secret?

do you haf a secret?
well, i do..
secrets that i wish i could confess,
but i know i can't.

random pictures!

here are some photos
really random ones.
hope you'll be entertained.
hahhaha!

"dinner start alr still take photo!"

the band for the night!
(angel, ann, jun, zing, kok keng, jon, nic fam)

err, slacking outside toilet after the event?
(angel, tricia, ann)

aunty pet and geekmond.

BCG quan jia fu.

geekmond and.. them.

geekmond and.. them.

psalms quan jia fu wif 'friends of psalms.
(this pic is damn old school)

geekmond and 'mei chi ting'

sarah and jerm's 22nd!

us at sentosa for drinks..

us at hardrock cafe for dinner.

the boys.
(des, caleb, kun, furong)

prize presentation.
(caleb, sarah, jerms)

some dinner after work.
(joanna, des)

look at our heads.
strong wind~
(des, ruth)

the rest at cafe cartel and me!

and now, i'm by myself..

january29.

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Psalm 19:14

Lord, as i embark on a new journey
a new journey wif You from today.
teach me how to pray, Father.
teach me how to live, Father.

may my life be pleasing unto You.
may my life be edifying unto You.
may my life be honouring unto You.
may my life be a life for You.

prayer and petition.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

as i was praying in the cathedral today,
a heavily burdened heart.
as i walked out of the cathedral today,
a lighter yoke was strapped on..

even though nobody knows what i desire,
nobody knows what i'm exactly going through.
i'm reassured that God knows and God hears..
He didn't brush me aside and say "move on."

He told me to put my requests to Him,
in prayer and petition.
and in the meantime,
fix my eyes on Him, for His peace is wif me.

how assuring that statement can be!
the Lord nvr discounts our emotions,
like how human beings sometimes do on earth.
the Lord listens and understands..

when we think nobody understood what we're feeling,
nobody understood the degree of loneliness.
God is saying He understands,
simply because He'd been through it Himself.

carrying the cross literally,
on His battered physique.
walking down the road to the 'mount of skull',
had He nvr felt as lonely before!

He understands betrayal,
He understands loneliness
more than any of us human beings could.
He knows, better than we do.

Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:9

more often than not,
actions speak louder than words
i can say "i love you
but act otherwise..

but its often impossible
to display love,
and say "i hate you"
true isn't it?

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well-fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:11-13

like paul, i've been through dark eras.
i've been 'blinded' and seen..
but i wouldn't be as confident as him yet,
for i'm still learning.

being content, is what i've to learn.
being content, is what God wants to teach me.
He gave, and He took away.
leaving me to realise who i really love.

i've sinned.
i've fallen.
i've been struck down.
but now i'm standing up, stronger than before!

i will continue to submit my requests to God.
my heart's desires to Him who listens.
in prayer and petition,
i'll wait..

for i know the Lord wants the best for me,
it is whether i'm ready to receive it yet.
for now, no.
but i'm sure i will be, someday.

i still heard the same thing today,
"wait.."
but dis time,
it comes wif a direction.

as ironic as it might sound,
i shall wait and see that the Lord is good.
He will provide,
just like He had provided.

i'll continue to pray for us.
continue to fix my eyes on Him.
that one day,
we'll understand the full extent of love, and practice it.

brotherly love.

i can vividly recall,
the day i went back home after sunday service.
i went home,
i pulled my face the longest i ever had.

i went to my room and closed it.
closed my windows,
got my clothes and went to bathe.
came out and sat at my chair for 20mins.

sat in my chair,
doing absolutely nothing.
i almost couldn't hold my emotions back.
i was feeling v miserable.

my fever,
my test that didn't go too well,
my life,
and the reunion dinner which i dreaded.

after my hair dried,
i went to plop on my bed for the next 3hrs.
i couldn't slp.
i just laid there and hid myself under the blanket.

it was total darkness,
i felt secure, yet lonely.
i felt like crying,
but i really couldn't..

just then,
i heard the door open.
hearing the footsteps and a digimon,
it was my brother.

he peeped into the blanket,
and saw my eyes.
but he didn't say a thing
and went out.

whispered loud enough to my mum for me to hear,
"i don't know what korkor doing,
he like slping but not slping.
he like crying but not crying."

thank God my mum didn't come in.
coz i really dread it when she asks me,
"what happened to you?"
i wouldn't know how to ans.

just when i was slipping into my thoughts again,
the digimon sound creeped nearer.
dis time, my bro wasn't on a recce mission..
he was here to concern.

joel: korkor, why you like so sad?
mummy say new yr cannot sad leh.
if you sad,
den the whole yr will be sad..

des: i'm just tired, joe.
you may not understand what i'm feeling now,
but soon you will.
and i don't think i'll be sad whole yr, coz i've Jesus..

joel: got Jesus den won't sad?
den where is Jesus now?
why you so sad now?
you don't like Him alr ar?

des: Jesus is still here in my heart.
i'm sad now coz He wants me to learn something,
and learning is usually v hard.
just like your spelling and ting xie..

joel: orh.. ya, that one v sad leh!
nvm la, you want to play digimon?
i caught 5 alr leh!
3 normal, 2 rare..

des: no, thank you joe.
i just wanna lie down for a while more.
don't feel like moving..
you go out first can?

and the digimon sounds fades off the background,
followed by a latch of my door.
once again,
i felt solace, yet loneliness..

i thought to myself,
why do kids concern not pressure pple
as compared to friends' concern,
where pple would feel less relieving in?

the ans that i concluded
seemed to be v simple.
innocence and sincerity..
easier said than done huh?

there's no expectation of bombast.
neither do you feel that you've to be accountable.
you just let things come out of your mouth,
and you know children won't judge you.

Lord, i pray that You'll use my emotions,
to strengthen me
to speak to me
and to mould me.

Lord, may i be a blessing to pple around me.
even in dis very very very trying time of mine,
may i shine for You
and fly Your flag up high!

may You haf Your way in me,
for i've nothing else left..
Lord Jesus, take me wif You.
take me wif You..

CNY.

dis yr, it was pretty smooth sailing.
i'd say, well-planned.
family activities, colleagues gathering,
friend's visitation didn't clash..

i'd say i'm recovering from the weekend.
some of you might not know,
i was down wif a fever since friday.
and i had to take a test on sat!

i just hope the Lord haf mercy on me.
i really tried my best..
to stay focused,
though it was really hard.

now, the heat has subsided.
leaving the ulcers behind..
2 on the gums, 1 on the lip!
all at the same area! argh~

more friends' visitation dis weekend,
and i hope i can be well again.
i feel so weak now,
not being able to exercise!

i rested okay!
and now i'm feeling so weak.
i wanna start working out again!
i needa run, real soon!

unseen.

i'm sure many times we tell God,
"can you pls don't love me?
i'm so unworthy."
right?

sometimes we ask Him,
"why are You still here for me,
when i've disappointed You so much?"
true?

well i guess,
sometimes we pretty much can't choose
to ask God to love us or don't right?
He just does..

because of His undying love for us,
even when we feel so unworthy,
He went the extra step to give us His most precious.
His Son..

certain things just cannot be explained huh?
He chose to love us,
and that's that.
no matter how far we stray.

no matter how much we disappointed Him,
no matter how far we go to hurt Him.
He'll be there, faithful.
so that when we turn back, He's there..

Lord, i know all these happened for a reason.
i know You've wired me dis way..
be my Guide, Father.
be my Inspiration of true love!

child of God.

Lord, teach me to worship You
with a pure heart.
with an innocence that is lost!

january21.

Jesus said, "I am the Bread of Life. The person who aligns with me hungers no more and thirsts no more, ever.. Whoever believes in me has real life, eternal life."

John 6:35, 47

these 2 verses are composed wif simple words,
yet encompasses profound truths.
truths that are so easy to say,
yet difficult to understand..

i used to think when i first heard abt Jesus,
the deal was simple.
i believe, i go heaven.
God bless me, period.

as i grow in faith and knowledge,
i began to feel burdened by the Word.
not because its hard to understand,
but its hard to obey.

and now,
i've transcended to achievable obedience,
but forgetting the basic principality behind
an authentic r/s wif God, my first love.

He says He is the Bread of Life,
and those who aligns wif Him shall not be in need.
what does alignment calls for here?
how do we actually align wif God?

and it brings us back to the basic,
being one wif Him.
how to be one wif Him?
and how to be assured that we're one wif God?

an imagery of a mother monkey wif its baby.
ever seen how a mother monkey swing around
with its baby clinged unto her?
almost like its just another pouch?

i would presume that the baby monkey
at that very phase of life,
felt 'aligned' or felt like they're one wif its mum.
ever so secured.

nvr worried abt what to eat for meals,
nvr worried abt safety issues,
nvr worried abt being neglected or discarded,
just simply trusting its care-giver.

how many of us,
in dis day and age.
still remembers how BEING a child feels like?
how being secured and cared for feels like?

instead of being a 'child' of God,
we prefer to be a childslave.
always 'working' for what we want,
always depending on our own strength..

how else could God remind us of His love for us.
how else could God remind us of His provision for us.
what else could God do to get us to trust Him,
when He alr gave us His only Son.

Jesus is calling us
to cling to Him.
and let Him do the caring and protecting and loving.
and be assured of His love and tender care!

let us be like the baby monkey,
let us trust in our God.
let us cling unto Him so tight,
knowing that nothing can ever go wrong with Him around!

Lord, help me to cling to You in faith.
help me to trust in You
in Your timing,
in Your love.

Lord, You know our needs
more than how a mother knows their children.
Lord, have Your way in me.
i don't wanna hunger or thirst anymore..

in Jesus name
i sincerely ask and pray,
Amen!
amen..

withease.

as i was on my way to work,
once again on the train.
i was just thinking when do i praise God,
and when do i erase God?

it is so easy to say,
"to God be the glory"
or "God shall be the center of my life"
when it is in 'good times'.

isn't it?

i still rmb when i just got into my 1st r/s.
i praised God for His goodness,
and i tried to be 'wise' in everything i do.
tried to in my own way, 'put God in the center of the r/s'

but now that i look back,
my life as an individual wasn't even God-centered.
how dare me to say my r/s is God-centered!
it nvr was..

when things started going wayward,
my faith went wayward too.
once i even almost got into depression..
i thank God He sustained me!

dis clearly showed where my heart was.
wasn't in God, but in men..
how can i then say,
that my r/s was God-centered.

and now,
even when times are not too smooth for me.
i shall not waver,
because i put my trust in Him..

i haf faith that He is good to me,
and He will not only be a good God in good times,
but He'll be a bigger God in bad seasons of my life!
He is and He will be..

the cheapness of proclaiming love in peace times.
oh, what empty words do they form!
how often do we still praise God in times
where we don't get what we want at that time?

so was it really God-centered,
or good-centered?
our r/s and faith and love in God,
should never be on our emotional rollercoaster!

it should be the other way round.
whatever we do,
stems out from our authentic r/s wif God.
not from the worldly things we desire!

God should be the constant in our lives,
and any other things or people be the variable!
in God's timing we should trust.
in God's love we should dwell in..

look at your life right now,
are you happy coz things went your way?
or are you happy in Christ alone?
think abt it.

and also examine your life now,
are you upset coz things went the other way?
or you realised you placed your heart in the world?
instead of in the Word..

let us praise God in good times AND bad.
let us NOT use our emotions but our hearts to praise God,
heart calls for sincerity, whereas emotions are feelings.
feelings come and go, sincerity and commitment prevails..

sorry.

Lord, i'm coming home.
i'm sorry i've strayed too far..
Lord, i'm coming home.
please take me back into Your wondrous arms.

yes i will.

i'll run the race
if perseverance!
no matter how painful it is,
i will run the race!

loyalty v. faithfulness

as i was reading a newspaper article,
it scribes a dog being trapped in a car for 19 days!
without food, without water,
but a huge awful stench, and alive!

and then suddenly some thoughts sipped through.
dogs are often conferred as mankind's best friend..
coz they're loyal, cute,
blah blah blah.

a friend of mine used to say,
having a dog, is better than having a bf.
it listens and doesn't fight back..
won't feel obliged to spend extensive amt of time wif it.

and den i really start to wonder,
is that what pple normally want?
somebody who just listens and doesn't speak.
and simply be your beck and call?

aight, let's be nice and humane here.
let's not use the word loyalty, but faithful.
it pretty much means the same thing,
or doesn't it?

dogs are loyal because they don't haf extra-maritial affairs,
and because they stick by you through tough times.
God is faithful because He doesn't impose anything on you,
and He sticks by you through good times and bad.

a not-so-good boyfriend would be something like,
he imposes his standards on you.
doesn't give you your own space when you need it.
and he MAY cheat on you!

so how does a friend or a boyfriend be faithful?
of coz not like a canine,
but like God.
is there really a man like that out there?

i was talking to pauline once,
about my frustrations and disbelief..
and wondered how can any human being be so selfish,
or so heartless to certain things.

den she replied,
"sometimes we do that to God too,
don't you think?
we were selfish towards Him as well."

human beings would normally be unhappy and question,
they need answers and explanations to certain actions.
but God just sat there and waited patiently,
still loving us..

when we rant,
God listens but seldom react.
when we cry,
He gently rubs your tears away..

i guess if we use our carnal knowledge to love,
we'll either be tired or pissed off, or even both!
but if we love others wif God's overflowing love,
wouldn't that be much easier and unconditional?

learning from dogs, and God.
i realised that what makes a stressful friendship,
or even make a stressful relationship
is snappy reactions!

meaning, if we want something
we must haf it now!
patience and rationale are never in the picture,
neither are love and wisdom.

so i wanna urge you guys,
to always always seat back.
chill first, pray, meditate.
den see what exactly was the root problem..

i know its an irony,
that me, a hot-head,
is typing all these.
but hey! pple learn along the way man..

so yep!
a moment of thought,
keeps the temper less hot!
we try okay? try.

january16.

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! His faithful love endures forever.

1 Chronicles 16:34

indeed the Lord is good.
what is faith without love?
and without faith,
how do you love?

Lord Father,
teach me how to love like You.
though Your love will always be shortchanged by me,
but You still chose to love me.

teach me what unconditional means Lord.
teach me not just to say,
but to apply it..
for that is what please You, Father.

GODspeaks.

For You, O God, tested us; You refined us like silver.

Psalm 66:10

the Lord spoke to me yet again.
when i was a miry clay,
unsure of where i was.
unsure of who i am..

He lifted my head and said gently,
i'm monitoring the process,
you're not alone, son.
you're not alone.

when i was feeling despair,
i flipped my QT material.
and there,
i found assurance and love.

these words will stay wif me,
through dis very very trying period.
and i'm confident and assured,
that i am not alone.

and He said,

"as silver is refined by fire,
the heart is often refined
in the furnace of sadness.
painful, but won't destroy us.

the Refiner seats by the furnace,
tempering with the flame.
He will not allow us to be tried beyond our endurance,
but it is for our own good.

we may not understand why
we hafta endure all these misery day after day.
the ordeal seems endless and pointless.
but God is doing what matters - we're being refined.

He is placing us into a crucible,
in which we acquire PATIENCE,
meekness, humility and compassion
that our soul naturally lacks.

so don't be afraid, and don't fret.
your present trial,
as painful as it may be,
has been screened thru God's wisdom and love.

the Refiner sits beside the crucible,
tempering the flames,
monitoring the process,
waiting patiently until His face is mirrored in the surface."

thank You, Lord.
thank You.

january15.

The Lord bless you, and keep you: the Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious unto you: the Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace.

Numbers 6:24-26

Lord Jesus, hear my cry.
please..

january14.

He said to His disciples, "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neith sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!"

Luke 12:22-24

its amazing, how God speaks to us.
today i flipped the next page of my daily QT,
and dis verse popped up.
i thought i'll blog it, but later.

so i didn't blog it in the morning
which i usually do before i even start work!
but i didn't today,
coz i thought i'll just save it for later.

and den dis morning,
the overseas education consultant contacted me.
he was very helpful and laid out all my options,
wif my limitations of crappy 'O's and retarded diploma!

and so he laid all out,
and all sounded attractive and good UNTIL
we spoke on fees and accomodation and living expenses.
it comes up to 50k/year.

like what?!
i'm no boo, but only a mere hoo man!
where in the blue world can i dig out these finances?
and how?!

and as i was talking to kenny online,
i realised that as the possibility of me going down under
gets higher and more probable.
there're more things that i really can't let go.

I say:
now i've only got 3 worries that are pulling me back from overseas studies.

I say:
finances, family and ...

I say:
HAI..

Kenny Lai says:
why family?

I say:
homesick ma.

I say:
and my mum's not exactly in her pink of health.

I say:
sigh.

Kenny Lai says:
i see..

Kenny Lai says:
hmm..

Kenny Lai says:
well discuss with them first lo?

I say:
ya, i will. i haf to!

I say:
hahha

I say:
its big sums of money man!

I say:
HAI....

I say:
i'm so vexed i'm so vexed..

I say:
i think even before i start studying, my hair turn grey alr lor!

den as i leaned back on my chair,
thinking abt the future and what holds for me.
just when i was pulling myself up to work again,

SUDDENLY.. (okay, dis part must read wif more exaggeration)

a gust of boisterous wind menaced in my office cubicle,
toying around with my coiffed up hairdo,
unending ripples seen on the water in my glistening silverware,
a sense of chill trickled down my spine..

the page of my "365 Bible promises for men" fluttered profusely,
and it flapped to the date of january 14!
the very date of today,
and there..

laid those golden words,
glistening below my flourescent lamp
right before my peering eyes recovering from a whirlwind.
was that God's divine intervention?

(okay, can read normally already.)

though i wouldn't say i'm entirely encouraged,
nor would i say i've zero worries now.
but i'm utterly encouraged by the fact that God,
showed to be still be wif me!

He reminded me of dis verse,
and i know He holds my tomorrow..
and if dis is His plan for me,
its gotta be perfect, if not, the best!

one of my very close friend sent me dis.

"Hmm...don't worry ba, if this is the way God plans for you to take, no matter how impossible things seem, He'll make a way:) don't forget you still have people supporting you...your family, uncle boo, sheila...i'm sure therell be a way somehow:)"

joy.

MY SISTER GOT PROMOTED!

for those of you who knows what's going on,
my sister got promoted and she's on to J2..
taking her 'A's dis yr,
and i think its a good sign!

but the highlight of dis entry,
is not so much of my sister's promotion.
but one of another joy,
my mum's tears..

i don't know if my mum was crying when she called me,
earlier dis morning.
i was half expecting my mum to tell me
something had happened to my dad.

but no! phew.
she told me in exact words,
"siang ar, ah girl shen qu J2 liao leh!"
she was damn happy.

but her voice was rather shaky as she tells me more,
and i guess she must be really happy and relieved.
the joy of a mum's heart,
when her daughter gets promoted.

somehow reminded me of the illustrated imagery,
when one soul is saved,
all of Heavens rejoiced.
i used to think, "ya right.."

but now, it makes sense.
if God treats us like a child of His,
won't it make perfect sense
to see His child coming back to Him?

all my mum needed to hear was,
"mummy, i got promoted to J2!"
from my sister.
and that was enough to well up my mum's eyes.

what more a salvation to eternity?
what more a Father hearing
His long lost child saying,
"Dad, i'm coming back to You.."

january12.

I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant.

John 15:5

ever wondered why is the analogy of tree being used?
not plastic bag and fruits,
nor box and chocolates,
nor sea and fishes?

one of the few conclusions i'd derived at
after think for a while,
why vines and branches?
hmm..

because the branches didn't haf a choice
to choose to be stemed out of THAT vine, or the other.
branches stems out of the vine NATURALLY..
and in FULL PROVISION the vine can give to the branch!

likewise, God chose us to be His branches.
He said He will provide,
He WILL provide!
believe in that..

what the branch was in charge of is bearing fruits.
they don't even need to 'work' for the bearing.
all they need to 'do',
is to 'allow' the water and sunlight to be bestowed on them!

can you believe that?
just being ONE with God was all we need,
to be able to bear fruits.
good fruits call for good relationship wif God!

DESpair.

while i was reading the news today,
i came across this piece.
http://www.straitstimes.com/Breaking%2BNews/Singapore/Story/STIStory_323450.html

i put myself in sallehan's shoe for a moment,
and i could understand what that felt like.
the first person he looked out for,
was his wife..

can you imagine,
being locked up for 2 days.
mind's in a whirl
and your heart's flustered for what's to come.

all you HOPED for,
was to see someone whom you love deeply.
but the greatest despair,
for sallehan in that first minute in court.

was to find out that his wife,
his source of support and love
is actually absent.
how that pain might have felt like..

i believe at that point in time,
he'd not think much of the sentence.
he'd think more abt his wife,
why hadn't she turned up.

i think sometimes,
in times of need like that.
even though the other party cannot do anything
to mitigate or alleviate the sentence.

all sallehan needed was just to 'look' at his wife,
to know that she's there with him.
but he found nothing but strangers
and fear and pain that gripped his heart.

sometimes, just being there.
or just being contactable is all that's needed.
but those times,
are when loneliness creep in and grip you.

january8.

And the Lord said, "I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the Lord, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion."

Exodus 33:19

dis again served as a reminder that
there's nothing You can do,
to make God love you more..
He chose to love you.

and nothing you have done,
can make Him close the door.
He chose to have mercy on you,
simply because He loves you..

in life, we often work under authorities.
some will rever in respect,
some will go a lil further to suck up
in hope to gain recognition and promotion.

but not wif our God.
He doesn't need you to 'show' Him what you haf.
He doesn't need you to 'tell' Him who are you.
He knows..

sometimes, we try so hard to please Him.
we try so hard to impress Him.
but we forgot,
its always abt the being and not the doing..

Lord, please help me to rmb that!
help me to be who You made me to be,
and not be someone i hope to be.
Lord, thank you for choosing me..

Lord, you and me.

look at my heart again,
look at the mess i've got it in.
i'm learning to trust in You
to know that You'll see me.

through my pride,
through my shame.
into Your love,
into Your grace.

i'm not looking back
till i see Your face.
i'm running straight to You..

all i really want to do is to
fall into the emptiness that is
the space in between us,
to break this division.

all i really want to do is to
fall into the emptiness that is
the space in between us,
erase it and bring us together again.

my life's an open book,
nothing is hidden when You look.
You break through my boundaries
revealing my insecurities..

but through my pride,
and through my shame.
You show me love,
You show me grace.

i'm not looking back
till I see Your face.
i'm running straight to You..

because all i really want to do is to
fall into the emptiness that is
te space in between us,
to break this division.

all i really want to do is to fall
into the emptiness that is
the space in between us,
erase it and bring us together again.

together again here i am saying,
i need You.
i know i need You.
here i am..

i'm coming to meet You!
cause i want to see You..

appalling.

some of us like to take things at surface value.
coz it doesn't require much analysis,
it doesn't require much thought into it
that might very well be conceived as another problem.

even in the bible,
there are certain parables or accounts
where we just read it as a bedtime story,
or a story that merely encourages.

when i was in surabaya,
pastor inban often says that going to church services
are like going for 'holy cuddles',
they just make you feel warm and good..

at first, i was quite taken aback by it.
like "what you mean holy cuddle!"
but i kept quiet most of the time,
trying to make sense out of that very statement.

and then, it dawned upon me
that he was a warrior out in the field.
a warrior who truly relied on God's word and strength,
who put his faith into practical actions..

there's a parable that i read from a friend's blog.
a life account in fact,
that was heard one too many times..
that we often get 'encouraged' by.

it is one that accounted the resurrection of lazarus.
many of us know that Jesus 'allowed' Lazarus to die,
so that God can be glorified to a larger extent
when He resurrected the dead friend of Jesus.

some who studied even more intently abt that account,
who also realised that if Jesus knew abt all these,
den why did He weep?
why weep and not confident?

it wouldn't make sense if Jesus knew what was going on,
and yet still weep at the temporary 'loss' of his friend.
would it?
would He?

or was it because it is only natural to weep
over a friend's death?
or even cry when you're struggling
during the 'darkest periods' in your life?

but dis friend of mine read in his commentary,
on this very account
and discovered a different viewpoint of Jesus' tears.
somewhat unheard of..

Jesus did not weep because He was sad that lazarus died,
He did not weep because He couldn't reach there in time
to heal lazarus so that he wouldn't have to taste death.
He already knew lazarus was dead and 'allowed' it..

Jesus wept not because He found a dead friend.
He wept because He found dead faith.
He found dead faith in many..
this is the very reason why He wept.

and taking that wif you,
how many times haf Jesus wept
when we weren't faithful to Him?
and what do we do abt it, now that we know?

i thank God for revealing dis truth to me,
that i may review my life and start anew wif Him.
and the timing was apt because its the new yr,
and it usually calls for a new beginning..

it sort of changed my whole 'resolution' for 2009.
or rather, it summed it up
and directed me pretty clearly.
be humble, be faithful to the One and Only..

january7.

But all who humble themselves before the Lord shall be given every blessing, and shall have wonderful peace.

Psalm 37:11

such an astounding truth,

such a faithful promise..

but how many of us actually believed in it?

how many of us knew what it really meant?

by humbling ourselves,

a vague picture of a slave

bowing down at his master's feet.

in humility.

when a person kneels before another person,

it calls for an extensive amount of humility.

even kneeling down a person wif authority,

it demands a great deal of 'putting self aside'..

let me further mince the words.

putting ourselves aside,

means putting others before us,

even at our loss..

how many of us can actually do that these days?

being in my working environment,

i see tonnes of different letters

setting out to challenge a certain authority..

are we too smart to be humble now?

are we too smart to be a servant these days?

the more educated we are,

the more foolish we get.

the oxymoron was intended.

to prove how far the society has degenerated,

through the advancement of 'standards'

how contradicting!

only when we learn to eat the humble pie,

we'll nvr be given every blessing.

only when we put ourselves aside,

we'll nvr get to taste His wonderful peace.

to you who're feeling lost and empty inside,

continue to bow at the King's feet

and to read His word,

for His word is a light unto your path..

to you who're feeling discouraged and fearful,

continue to humble yourself.

and pray and keep praying for discernment,

and guard your hearts from the lies of the evil one.

to you who're stressed and burdened,

continue to fix your eyes on Jesus,

for He is your prize,

He is your finishing line..

be blessed, my dear friends.

for i am blessed,

so should you!

don't give up!!

strange.

i've no motivation to study,
and i don't haf any stress abt the test!
dis is damn weird.
i NEED to study!!

hmm.

having something for a while, its always easy.

having something worthwhile, its never easy.

-desHOO.

january5.

Not one is missing, not one forgotten. God the Father has His eye on each of you, and has determined by the work of the Spirit to keep you obedient through the the sacrifice of Jesus. May everything good from God be yours!

1 Peter 1:1-2

i thank God for speaking to me once again.
at the time of my darkest,
He held me up with His right hand and said,
"I'll walk you through, my son."

friends.

once, my friend said to me.
"friends are seasonal."
i didn't agree..
but now i think i have to.

ytd, my friend told me.
"must take that dangerous thought out."
i didn't know how to..
but i guess i have to.

today, my friend told me.
"i hope you know you matter to me."
i didn't know why i would..
but i really hope its true.

many times,
my non-christian friends will ask me.
"eh, you all keep calling each other bro,
you don't feel that its abit fake meh?"

i replied,
"its personal preference,
just like how i like to call you 'eh'"
we laughed.

on 2 jan,
one of my friends
who liked to call pple 'bro',
wished me a 'happy new yr' in dis fashion.

"bro, 25 bucks for jap dinner"
for a moment i stop short.
thinking, "what?!"
but of coz i replied, "yep, sure. btw, happy new yr!"

so i guess sometimes,
when we do something for our friends.
the effort we put in,
we'd inevitably hope that something will reciprocate.

but guess what?
most of the time we'll be disappointed.
what's more..
we've to deal wif our expectations ourselves.

but can anybody really not expect?
expecting somebody not to expect is alr an expectation.
i don't know what the bible said abt expectation.
but i know the bible said to wait wif an expectant heart.

i'm sure many of you feel lonely at times,
feel unloved, feel invisible.
but i'd like to encourage you..
you still haf me.

i meant what i said.
you really can call me anytime of the day.
and i'll make time to listen to you!
only if you wanna share wif me..

but up till now,
till dis day.
i've read so many blogs..
i found none that says the same.

so when i'm in trouble,
who can i call?
when i need somebody to listen,
who is willing to listen?

recently, i had a brush wif a good friend of mine.
i don't know if its mutual,
but that friend was somebody
i would call out for random lunches and dinners.

but we disagreed,
and my friend said 3 points of flaws abt me.
which happened to be quite personal..
i wouldn't deny that i was hurt.

maybe what my friend said was true.
that i'm unapproachable,
hot-headed and not trusting pple enough.
maybe i just can't meet up to my friend's expectations.

but i really wanna urge pple who reads dis blog,
if you ever feel lonely.
please don't be.
coz you still have me!

anybody who wants supper or calls,
who needs a lift, or a ride home.
i'll be there at my best capacity!
those who really know me, knows i can deliver.

in the meantime,
if you feel you cannot talk to anyone.
or feel that you're handling dis alone,
don't worry, you're not.

coz God is there to carry you through.
whether you like it or not,
whether you want it or not.
our God will not leave you in the lurch..

someday, somehow..
i'll learn how to be a friend.
a friend who is all-seasons.
a friend who doesn't expect..

for those whom i've lost contact,
or 'quarrelled' wif.
i'm sorry, and i hope you give me some time.
i'm figuring it out..

if you happen to see me at the kopitiam,
eating alone.
and you're not ashamed of me,
do sit and lunch wif me ya?

if you happen to not see me in church,
for a few weeks.
and you think i'm worthy to be in the same church as you,
do ring me and show that you care ya?

coz if that happens to any of you.
i'll sit wif you.
i'll ring you up.
and i'll call you out..

i hope there'll be pple at my wake.
coz they miss me,
and not coz their friends are there,
or out of obligation..

accountability.

i was talking to a very learned friend of mine.
as we were talking,
we inevitably touched on the topic of the abovementioned.
and many thoughts struck me..

to what extent should authorities be accountable?
what is considered possessive,
and what then is considered lackadaisical?
where is the grey line?

in my lifetime,
i was honoured to be given opportunities to lead.
i was appointed section commander in army,
band leader in the youth ministry and many more.

even being a ridiculously old older brother.
it talks abt accountability..
how much is too much?
and how much is too little?

i was told quite a while back,
a wise man told me dis,
"leadership is not abt being impt,
its how your legacy prosper without you"

he didn't exactly use the word legacy or prosper,
but i think he meant that.
and if you think abt it,
it is not just abt prospering or abt legacies.

its abt humility,
making yourself the background,
instead of the subject.
it talks abt 'letting them..'

so back to accountability,
we may very well cross the line and be possessive
if we're 'too serious' abt our work.
meaning, we must be included in every area of their lives.

i rmb once,
when i brought my bro out.
it was one of my first few times,
i was over-protective.

everywhere he went,
i must hold his hand.
everything he eats,
i must know that its healthy and not too hot.

and when i brought him home safely,
i thought i did a brilliant job!
and so i asked him the 'fatal question',
"joe, did you enjoy yourself today?"

i was damn confident,
or even cocky and asked wif a smirk!
and he said,
"i don't want you to bring me out next time, i want mummy."

i was disappointed at the ans,
and to a point, appalled.
and i asked why,
he said, "this one cannot, that one cannot"

so i ruffled his hair,
and went back to my room and thought.
why did he say that?
didn't he know it was for his own good?

i asked my dad,
was i lidat last time.
he said, "ya. that's how i learnt to let go."
in mandarin..

and i thought to myself again.
maybe if i let him run and fall,
he'll learn the lesson better than
being warned but nvr experienced..

i guess sometimes,
we all know its for our own good.
and in dis instance,
i knew its for his own good.

but he doesn't know,
and we've no right to deprive them of learning.
we can keep a close watch,
but should nvr stare at them..

i guess for me,
accountability is something i've gotta learn.
letting go and trust God to protect them,
is what i ought to be learning.

and not what kinda reprimanding methods work best.
whether is it kneeling on bottle caps or durian shells,
thin canes or thicker ones.
but in faith and love, we trust in God..

it is tough,
and i thank God for giving me opportunities to learn.
hard way or easy way,
i'm still learning anyways..

january2.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight.

Ephesians 1:3-4

one too many times,
we feel unworthy and perplexed.
why on earth would a King love a commoner like me,
who'd committed crimes.

i guess many of us can identify wif that intrigue.
but there're certain things that mere men cannot explain.
like why would i love dis girl,
and not others?

sometimes, reasons just don't exist.
science is often used to prove things.
for the supernatural,
science is often used to prove it wrong!

and for love,
experiences and man-made failures are used.
mavericks would use it to prove to the faithful,
see! there's no such thing as love and commitment anymore.

but because of Jesus' death and resurrection,
it not only drives home the point of love,
but also the point of victory!
for He came at the very extent of unconditional love.

we sinned,
but God chose to forgive us.
gave us Jesus,
so that we're holy and blameless in His sight..

we didn't choose to be holy and blameless,
coz even if we did, we can't!
but from now,
give praise to the Merciful One!

for He gave us a new source of life,
a life which do not seek redemption way-outs.
a life which do not seek favour-returns.
but a life to be set apart for Him!

we owe our lives to Him.
we owe our very lives to Him,
who saved and loved us.
who disciplines and cared for us!

new yr?

new yr, new resolutions?
what's gonna happen to mid yr,
when its normally the driest of the seasons.
any bailout plan?

so to me,
a new yr's resolution is nothing
but just a man-made kick start to the new work yr.
keeping to it is another issue!

i guess for me,
what i 'wish' for in 2009,
would be what i've been praying for.
wisdom and discernment..

wisdom to make the right decisions that honour You.
not for my own personal good..
discernment to tell the right from wrong,
not the good from bad.

Lord, there countless things i've done wrong in 2008.
help me not to look back and regret.
but to look back in thanksgiving,
that You've brought me through to 2009 nonetheless..

Lord, i pray that You'll walk closer wif me in 2009.
You'll hold my hand,
You'll carry me through like how You v graciously did in 2008.
Lord, i know i'll need You more in 2009..

Lord Jesus, please don't leave me.
coz i won't know what to do without You.
i need You, Lord.
i need You..