discovery.

dis post is gonna be purely abt SELF-discovery.
no inspirations from God.
no divine revelation.
just a self reflection, and disgusting self-discovery..

it is strange how i got by the past week.
i believe nobody could've sensed it,
even pple around me.
even pple who'd been talking to me..

i've grown cold towards the Lord,
i've slackened in my own ways
and i'm facing the brunt of it.
not the price of sin, but the price of lonesomeness.

the past week,
my QT had been sporadic.
days and nights where i find myself too tired
to even wanna read and pray.

something which i enjoyed so much doing in the past,
i found it extremely irritable and troublesome now.
disappointment and anger and frustration got the better of me,
and i caved in last night.

i guess i kept so much within myself
eversince the rejection from SMU,
that now i don't seem to be able to express myself,
effectively.

i guess i was disappointed deep inside,
i guess i was misunderstood far too many times,
i guess i felt that there's no point talking anymore,
coz it just simply doesn't make sense in the first place.

always seeking for comfort from pple,
whenever i try to talk to them.
only knowing what they're gonna tell me,
and i'm starting from scratch again.

the emptied tank in me,
doesn't seem to be able to open up for filling anymore.
maybe some of you might haf had the slightest idea,
but i think i've died inside..

many times, i pictured and assumed that God
was like the other gods or other human beings.
you do something wrong, Big Daddy's gonna punish you.
until you feel the pain, you've not learnt the lesson..

anger and frustration built up so bad,
that ytd when my mum asked me
"so how? what course are you gonna take dis time."
it was her first time asking, and i flared up.

i felt so bad after that,
but an apology wasn't delivered..
i pissed some others along the way,
and i gave up.

i was so angry wif myself,
not the least bit repentant.
i was lost, confused, alone, sad, upset, frustrated.
i didn't know who to turn to.

but dis time,
i forced myself to do QT.
again, nothing changed.
but i knew something happened within.

and i was reminded of something,
that was shared during DINOS last time.
when you fall away, it wasn't because of your sins.
it was because you've turned your face away from God.

i knew exactly what went wrong here.
it all fell together like dominos.
started wif a weak r/s wif God,
along wif personal 'wish-list' that weren't answered.

disappointments that are not properly channeled,
builds up to more disappointments.
and finally anger and frustrations took over,
and got the better of me.

all these while,
it only started off wif a weak r/s wif God.
and all else couldn't build upon it..
coz the load won't stop coming, its how i withstand it.

the world won't stop revolving just for me to learn a lesson.
life goes on, and its how i learn to pick up again,
but of coz.
wif God's help and strength..

it shall nvr again,
be depended on my emotional tank.
it calls for discipline and faith.
and it, shall be construed as 'r/s wif God'.

Lord, please help me to walk wif You, again.

senses.

i can sense it coming..
again.

ohno.

oh no,
sleepiness is creeping in!
nono, i must endure the zZz monster!
like how i endured them through lectures in army!

aight, i shall prison break one episode.
and do QT and head out of my house!
let's just hope,
i don't sleep while driving..

=X

youngboy.

tonight, i'm gonna attempt something
that has nvr been attempted before.
or at least nvr attempted since
8yrs ago!

I'M GONNA WATCH THE CHAMP LEAGUE FINAL
AT 2.30AM AT CHANGI VILLAGE!!
and the best part is,
I'VE GOT WORK THE NEXT DAY!!

i'm not quite a barcelona fan,
i just wanna see how man u lose.
i'm a thierry henry fan,
and i wanna see how henry kick them back to arrogantshire..

its abt time i relive what i call,
the young punks' hangout.
"eh siao eh, wanna ton tonight anot?"
HAHAHA!

anw, on a separate note.
why are mrt control stations called control stations,
when it actually has a name that is,
'Passenger Service'?

and i just realised that reading blue and red
on a black background.
its quite tricky on the eyes huh!
o.O

ought.

there was a guy,
who was brought up in a home
where love and affection wasn't expressed verbally.
where sorrys and thank yous nvr existed..

it was a home the boy used to hate going back to,
coz it was a culture where
whoever speaks louder wins.
somehow, he didn't fit in.

along the years,
he struggled inside him.
knowing there was much more to humanity
than just getting by..

somehow, he wasn't nurtured to be hard-hearted.
but on the contrary, he'd grown a soft-heart in him.
along the years of maturing and growing,
he seen beyond vulgarities, fights and whatever sorts..

he didn't know Jesus then,
he just heard of Him..
but even during the times when he heard of the apparent Lord,
he was alr soft hearted to begin wif.

he showed kindness to pple around him,
he showed 'love' to anybody whom he encounters wif.
coz he didn't like the way his father exemplified tyranny,
he did the 'gandhi' approach.

along the years, it was a happy ending.
where he accepted Christ and started serving in church.
sometimes fervent, sometimes out of obligations..
but he nvr ceased his service.

he trudged on and on,
and still doing what he believed in.
he showed kindness to pple around him,
he showed love to pple around him.

but there seemed to be a paradigm-shift.
in the past, where he was soaked in the secular world..
pple noticed the glow in him,
that he is a kind hearted boy, a polite and respectful chap.

but in the place where he learned the christian 'morals' and 'ethics',
he was advised not to 'splurge' his 'love' around,
especially to girls..
he was confused.

so now, loving has conditions.
if its a girl, younger than him, single,
he's supposed to stay away from him,
because 'showing love' was somewhat natural to him.

he felt that it was a lil odd,
but he obliged, because it was not in him to challenge,
furthermore, an authority whom he duly respects..
but that did not stop him from searching the ans.

along the way,
he became 'careful' in the way he speaks to diff pple.
the mask had to be changed as and when it calls for.
he was tired, for not being able to be himself..

Jesus said too,
that it was in His native hometown village,
where He was rejected most.
it was unfathomable, but awfully true.

when pple or things get too familiar,
it becomes much more easier to take it for granted huh?
even if it is something that stems from a good intention.
somehow, it can turn out to be something as bad as they want it to be.

Jesus was performing miracles,
showing the pple what true love really was.
but the pharisees, sadducees, zealots and common men
were sceptical, and rejected him, and eventually put Him on the cross.

why is that so?
why does someone, who simply wants to do good,
be all the more judged, all the more rejected?
why of all places, the place where he grew up in?

so as the boy was searching and searching,
he came across dis book.
where we don't choose who to love,
we just love.

be it enemies,
be it unlovelies,
be it potential girlfriends or boyfriends,
be it parents.

we ought to love them all, the same.
no matter how pple judge you,
which will happen,
stay true to yourself and to the God who made you dis way.

as long as your conscience are clear,
as long as you're doing what the Lord tells you to do.
don't stop doing it,
even if men calls you 'a blaspheme'..

we all know in dis perversed lifetime,
we can't pleased everybody.
that is why it is put forth in the bible,
to please and live for God and God alone.

it is tiring,
but the bible didn't promise that it's not.
it is discouraging,
but the bible promised that He'll see you through.

to those who'd been maligned for doing good,
to those who'd been hated for 'being nice',
to those who'd been labelled as 'hypocrite',
rmb, for God, not forget.

press on, to be who you are.
for we stand judge before our Master,
who will one day return to ask us,
"what did you do to the talents i gave you?"

wish.

scenario: you've always had a heart for the needy. and one day you've volunteered yourself to a program, where you're attached to a home for kids who contracted terminal cancer. and in your head, you just wanna pamper the kids who're in their last months wif whatever they wish for.. you'd think kids will just probably wants toys, or some amusement at some park.

when you reached, and mingled wif the kids for quite abit. the prime time came where the kids are allowed one 'wish'. and you made your rounds and asked each kid what they want.. your eyes set upon dis lil 8yr old girl, who was diagnosed wif liver cancer, terminal stage. and your heart sank, when you asked yourself why such a cute innocent girl hafta go through dis.. but you mustered enough stability in your voice and popped the qn.

you: hey girl, what is your wish?
girl: i wanna grow up and be an adult..

what will you reply?

quan chin: quickly dress her up to be an adult la! still talk so much for what..

marisha: aww, you're already an adult.

zing: "dude.. look at me.. you don't wanna be an adult really.."

jacinta: oh. i dunno. im brain dead.

li shern: thank you, please try again!

brooks: no, seriously..

ruth: to be an adult, you'll have to obey more rules, homework nvr ends, fewer holidays and you'll receive less presents and hongbaos. are you ready for all tat?

canofWORMS.

as i was pulling out new bed sheets from my closet,
somehow the sheets weren't stacked neatly enough,
the top layers spilled over
and a desperate attempt to get it all in order again.

as i pulled out a pair of boxers before showering,
the top layers of my clothes tumbled over,
at dis instance, i paused.
why is it that things keep falling over?

whenever these things happen,
i like to use brute force against the delicate fabric,
squeeze it into where it belong
and quickly shut the closet door..

but will it happen again,
the next time i open the door?
definitely, without a doubt.
and dis time, its gonna spill out quicker.

many a times, we haf issues in our lives
where we just hate to talk abt..
each time we open that 'door', it spills out
and we just can't wait to close it once and for all.

ever wondered why some pple
could get all so emo while singing christian 'solace' songs.
for eg, 'God will make a way'
or even 'still'..

but yet, when monday comes
their life don't seem to be least troubled at all.
the imagery and thoughts of the sunday morning songs,
just seem to take a back seat dis time..

sure, "you cannot emo all the time ma.."
but does that authorise us to 'close the can of worms'?
alot of times we pour our hearts out to God,
when our emotions are stirred by external means.

but i don't think Him ministering to us,
simply means crying our hearts out and 'forget'..
in the bible, the words of Jesus pierces thru the depths of our hearts.
instead of shoving it aside, He calls for eradicating the root problem.

not by our own means and strength, of coz.
but always by the blood of Christ, the grace of God.
God didn't close one eye on our sins,
He paid the highest price to eradicate the root problem.

what about us?
when it all accumulates in our 'can of worms',
does it mean that its all 'permanently deleted'
or is it just 'stored' in the 'recycle bin'?

the only prudent approach i could think of now,
is to let God minister to you, beyond the tears.
as much as we naturally open up our 'tear well',
to open up that 'can', would require conscious effort.

and many a times, it so uncomfortable
that we'd rather not open it at all..
"i'm fine wif my life now. i'm fine wif the way it is.."
if dis is your conviction you're guided by..

but i can assure you,
each time the same thing or issue recur,
it'll be worse, more painful.
the higher the clothes are stacked, the faster it'll fall over..

it is a choice,
do we allow God to work in us, including the 'can'.
or do we allow God to 'carve' our exterior only,
where the inner substances are not tampered wif..

security.

as i spoke wif one of my friend,
it makes me wonder what are we working for.
what's pursuing goals and ideals
in dis rat race trap boils down to..

and i knew at that instance,
it boils down to security.
we work towards something,
to find security in it.

i mean, inter alia, security is one issue.
i'm not saying its the ONLY issue,
or even the fundamental or root issue.
but one of them, slightly bigger than the rest.

let's talk abt my 'goals' for example.
i've been working hard and dreaming hard,
to be an undergrad.
so that i can at least secure a degree at the end of it.

and when i secured a degree,
i can secure a high-paying job.
for personal glory and comfort.
and that's when i feel financially secured..

and only when i can secure a high flying job,
the status and the recognition i get will be awesome.
that's how i can find security in friendship,
that's how i make influential friends..

i earn enough,
to get a good set of wheels and clothings.
i can sit in a big office,
and when my family and friends come by, they can be proud.

dis is where my security lies,
and i'm guilty for it wasn't in God.
i find pleasure, i find security,
i find joy, i find comfort in material things..

that is what keeps pple working, don't it?
we can complain, but we're still at it.
most of the time, its not perseverance,
but pride and security.

ahh, the obscurity of security!

Lord, thank You for telling me what i've become.
Lord, thank You for revealing to me the ugly truth.

free?

today i feel lighter,
less sombre,
not so motivated (can make do wif that),
less downcasted.

maybe coz its dress down friday.
and my colleagues first thing saw me,
carol: wah, sch boy look?
des: haf you alr forgotten that i've always been only 23?

fantasies.

i met dennis (BMT friend)
for lunch today at suntec.
amidst the crowded foodcourt,
it was something different today..

there are a couple of exhibitions and conferences
over at suntec dis week.
and dennis was involved in one of them.
manning the booth for his semi-conductor company..

and as we were looking for seats,
tables without the tissue packets.
we saw a table for 4,
but only 2 packets of tissue were there!

so wif the very little time,
and the increasingly empty (oxymoron) stomachs,
we decided to take our chance
and pounce on the table like corporate savages..

so we set our sight and we moved in,
standing around, making sure no commotions were stirred.
we soon noticed a pair of foreign eyes looking at us,
they were japanese..

as i mentioned earlier,
there were conferences and exhibitions.
naturally, foreign investors and advocates will flock in.
dis time, we're in luck. japanese!

dis pair of opp gender nippon,
were queueing up for their food.
and i could sense that they felt threatened.
part of me knew they were the occupants on the seats.

den dennis wittingly said,
dennis: japanese also chope seats wif tissue one meh?
des: maybe they googled on s'pore culture before landing?
dennis: if its theirs, i'll be damn impressed.

and so being buddies in green uniform in the past,
we decided to be tactical and tactful abt it.
des: eh dennis, you go get food first.
i'll eat whatever you eat except seafood..

and den as dennis strafted away in the packed foodcourt,
i smiled at them and asked,
"are you all sitting here as well?"
the girl looked at me and bowed her head..

not in agreement but in shyness!
she looked to her male counterpart,
and my smile became narrower.
i thought they couldn't understand me well.

so i pointed to the tissue packets and signalled,
a 'peace' sign, and mouthed "two?"
that guy just nodded in ultimate shyness.
he was so intimidated by me!

so i felt really bad,
and i walked up to them real close.
"ermm excuse me,
can me? and my friend? can my friend and i sit there? two."

so he just gestured,
"go ahead", and bowing profusely saying,
"please please.. go go please."
so i smiled and bowed back profusely and sat down.

their queue were longer than ours,
and dennis came back wif our hunt.
we began eating and chatting and when i was abt to finish,
the japs came wif theirs.

i tell you,
the girl was so so so so courteous and pretty man!
typical jap girl you see on tv la!
and throughout the meal, the both of them didn't talk much.

so i cheekily looked at dennis and asked,
des: eh, you think the 2 homosapiens on our adjacent
know each other v well? or just colleagues?
den right.

dennis: *smiles cheekily* i think that guy wanted to know her,
but his plans got foiled coz of the 2 adjacent homosapiens of theirs.
so we broke out in laughter,
but we're assured that the nippons didn't understand us!

and that really reminded me of my 'never-coming-true' fantasies.
i'm not sure if i'd told any of you these before.
but eversince from young,
or when i could even start to think on my own..

i always wished i was a royalty.
and i used to admire the british monarchy,
the thai monarchy etc.
read abt them, research on them..

apart from 'knowing' that i'm a royal son of the most high King,
i really would like to feel how being a prince feels like.
my fantasy is not to wanna be the king,
i wanna be the prince! next in the line for the throne.

and i always dreamed that one day,
some letter of royal invitation would come to me,
informing me that i was their long lost heir.
asking me if i wanna go back to the palace..

and that my parents were appointed by the king (my real dad)
to give me a 'normal life',
learn the ways of humility and secular struggles
before getting subpoenaed by the royal palace.

but that letter nvr came,
i'm still a hoo..
and my roots were blurred,
i know i'm from some hainanese continent if i'm not mistaken.

yeah anyways,
that was one of my lofty fantasy that i'll haf once in a while.
even until today!
how unrealistic a man can be..

another one is that i'm a japanese samurai,
and i'm not the warlord kind.
rather, i'm the 'trainer' for samurais..
where i equip budding samurais wif war attributes!

and i work 9-6 working hours.
after training, i'd go home to be super pretty wife.
she in her cloks, taking super small steps.
dressed in a legitimately oversized kimono.

the best part is that,
her hair is so perfectly coiffed up.
and her asking me how was my day out in school,
in such a demure and polite manner.

and after dinner,
we'd break out of the chauvinistic medieval jap culture.
where my wife and i would take a walk
around the outskirt of the 'closed up' japan..

ahh, how romantic.
BUT! its nvr gonna happen!
firstly, jap girls these days don't dress in kimonos anymore.
and secondly, samurais don't exist no more! grr.

so yeah, these are 2 of my more prominent fantasies.
oh well, i just snapped back to reality as i regained 'consciouness',
wif files in front of me,
and my 'far-from-samurai-suit' that i'm donned in.

WAKE UP DESIMON.
SNAP BACK TO REALITY,
OH~ THERE GOES GRAVITY..

avoidance.

i'm trying to avoid a void.
a void that is like a black hole..
it sucks everything in,
and you don't know what exactly went wrong.

may20 (ii).

following up from my previous post,
i found out the root meaning of the word!
it means 'to cast upon', or
'to place upon'..

now, as i was peeing.
the word 'entrust' just came into my head.
and i thought maybe that's a more apt attitude,
as we 'cast' our desires upon the Lord..

'entrust' gives me a whole new different perspective.
it neither holds on to what we want,
nor do we just throw and forget abt it completely.
when we entrust, we trust the outcome to be of His!

it is no longer just an action,
but an action wif trust and sincerity.
i think i really am beginning to like the word,
entrust.

so gentle, yet firm.
so sincere, yet unbinding.
a perfect illustration of what true love is.
isn't it?

my parents entrust me wif the keys
of the house, car, letter box and safe box.
my girlfriend entrust me wif her heart,
her struggles, her joys, her pains.

my boss entrust me wif a project,
that he trust i would be able to deliver.
my God entrust me wif talents,
that He knows one day i'll return.

scenarios of unselfish love and trust.
that has no intention of desperate reciprocals,
nor selfish gains.
just pure trust and confidence.

amidst all the disappointments, anxieties, hurts,
we are called to entrust our cares and worries to God.
knowing and trusting that He will see us through,
knowing and trusting that He cares enough..

thank You, Rabbi.

may20.

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about what happens to you."

1 Peter 5:7

it was wif pain,
at the same time, joy.
that wif such a weird combustion of feelings in my heart,
God spoke to me once again, so ever clearly..

it is easy to say we should cast our worries unto Him,
for He will see us through His perfect plan.
but haf i really casted my worries to Him?
or did i just merely constantly pray abt it to remind myself i should?

the patterns of our prayer each night,
tells us so clearly our heart-condition.
we don't even hafta pray it aloud,
we just know what stirs within our hearts, don't we?

are we supposed to just give it to Him,
and nvr to think abt it again?
or are we supposed to cast our cares to Him
and be tenacious in our prayer petitions?

if it was the former,
den what then does it mean
when Peter says to GIVE all our worries to Him?
why give?

when we give something to someone,
do we still hold on to it?
when we give a present to someone,
do we keep some parts of it?

those are tangible things that we hold on to,
some might refute.
let's talk abt matters pertaining to feelings and emotions,
do we hold on to it?

let's say we used to say
"i wanna give you happiness"
how many times we keep the happiness
in hope that its reciprocal?

when we give,
shouldn't it be giving wif no intentions of 'investment'?
was dis why Jesus loved us unconditionally?
coz He simply GAVE?

if its the latter from the abovementioned,
are we supposed to cast our cares to Him
and be tenacious in our prayer petitions?
wouldn't that be an act of lacklustre faith?

when we use the term,
"CAST our burdens to Him",
more often than not,
i'll haf the imagery of a fisherman formed in my head.

when they cast their nets,
do they not hold on to the tail end of it?
so that at the end of it all,
they can reel in to see what haf they got..

whereas when you throw your nets,
it is just basically throwing away something.
throwing without any strings attached..
like throwing a stone.

once its thrown,
its gone!
so which of the above is applicable
in our prayer life?

to GIVE, as used in the 'NLT' version,
or to CAST, as used in the 'NIV' version?
anybody who knows greek or hebrew,
can help me out here?

Lord, may You clarify my thoughts.
most imptly, may i love You for who You are.
my desires and worries ain't impt anymore,
coz i've come to realise they're not eternal, but You are..

tries.

don't be fooled by the length of the vid.
its only 4mins max, and the rest are credits!
a very inspiring video,
at least for me at dis juncture..

many times we are so focused on getting to where aimed,
and getting so disheartened after each futile attempt.
either we fret, or we regret.
but in our finite mind, we nvr noticed the bigger picture.

we often turn to another fellow being for help, advice.
and there is a certain degree of comfort in confiding,
that is for sure.
but like the big squirrel, it can manage but not help..

we often talk to pple who'd been there done that.
we often seek inspiration from the achievers..
and our minds and hearts are so determined to reach it,
just unable to, wif our given ability at dis given time.

external help may be useful,
if only we see it.
coz it may not be easy to comprehend,
as it is from a wiser and bigger Being..

even if sometimes, we manage to spot the external help
given our nature, we might just run away out of fear.
but as long as we come back to it,
we will overcome it.

and that overcoming is not assisted by the bigger squirrel,
but firstly, by the providence of a 'divine' help,
and secondly, by our courage to try it out.
it may not 'seem' like a viable option

but its always worth a try..

not ready.

aight, let me post something here
before i get down to busi-ness..
had been really busy in the recent days,
but its all gonna be over after dis wk!

ytd, i had it all planned.
after dinner, get home and get started.
set out what i intended to finish,
and do QT and sleep..

i thought i was making good time,
when i reached home at 8.
as i walked into the house,
just when i kept my shoes in the closet.

my mum said in fatigue,
"ah joe's results v bad.."
and true enough,
as i walked past him, i could sense uneasiness.

i was really set in my mind not to be distracted,
but i couldn't help but 'investigate'..
i called his name,
and he literally ran out to the living room.

and he knew exactly what i was gonna ask,
his lips turned dark..
my siblings haf dis trademark,
that when we're really scared, we just stone!

and that's what he became,
a stone.
and so i asked him,
"what were your results?"

he rubbed his eyes,
and rolled his wet eyeballs in those tiny sockets
and uttered wif tremble,
"i forgot.."

des: you forgot your results?!
why didn't you write it down?
were you too confident,
or too scared to let us know your results?

*joel stones*

just then, my sister almost like a hero in my view,
and a villain in my brother's view,
walked into the hall wif a stack of exam papers!
you can almost see that stone becoming a rock man..

and she muttered,
"his exam papers.."
den my mum screamed across,
"i thought you said cannot bring home?!"

den almost instantaneously i said,
"go and take the cane here.."
stone: don't want..
he said wif a quiver and heavy throat.

i passed to him the papers
and asked him to wait for me at the dining table.
while i went to get the cane..
and i couldn't find one!!

so i went opposite to see if my aunt still canes my cousins,
obviously not either!
just then,
my hero, my bro's betrayer, my mum, walked in wif the cane.

and my mum said these in hokkien while she handed over,
"be careful, his lips will turn blue. but do what you need.."
and so wif that 'staff',
i wanted to part my bro's red sea in a fit of anger.

but of coz, i didn't.
i kept my cool and let my bro calm down first.
can you imagine the trauma a 9yr old would face,
after being betrayed by the 2 most impt women in his life?

and the imminent judgement
that is set to befall upon his tiny self..
i knew exactly how that feels like,
and so i decided to talk to him nicely abt his results first.

english just pass,
maths fail,
science did well,
chinese today getting back.

i don't rmb failing until when i was pri 4!
my first failure, i'll nvr forget.
46/100 for maths paper..
i rmbed i cried as my maths teacher, ms angeline lee handed me.

and i rmbed that i tried to conjure some delay tactics,
in order to postpone the judgement as long as possible.
but my mum was much vigilant then,
she'd check my bag and 'eureka'!

i rmbed that day,
i cried as though my 'water bag' burst!
my mum caned me,
dad hit me, sister laughed at me!

worse day of my primary sch life.
but that was also the day that my mum
applied 'zambuk' on my sorry ass
when i was feigning sleep..

that was the day i knew my mum loved me,
more than my results.
that was also when i realised,
that i should buck up in maths!

so i decided to do what my mum did.
i was objective,
and i didn't let my emotions nor angre affect me.

i told my brother as i put the cane on the table,
"i'm not caning you coz of your results,
i'm caning you tonight,
coz of your lies.."

and after going through his results wif him,
he was alr crying then by the way.
as prophesied in the bible,
that when moses hits the rock, water shall flow out from it.

HAHHAHAHA! OKAY, I'M JUST KIDDING!

but anyways,
after all that 'grilling' and directives set for the coming months.
oh btw, i banned him from computer usage until his SA2 ends.
and only can watch tv and play psp on sunday after 7pm to 10pm.

i feel like i'm the most powerful brother on earth man.
after my sister's parent-teacher meeting,
i gave her a curfew at 8pm until her 'A's,
and i grounded her during the weekends..

why didn't my parents do that to me!
now, i'm suffering the brunt of freedom.
and regretting now serves no purpose,
other than demoralising me.

and so the most awaited caning was here.
i asked my brother,
"how many times did i ask you abt your english paper?"
he rubbed his eyes and sniffed abit and said, "3.."

des: put your hand out.
*joel struts out his right hand*
des: you're right handed right?
how are you gonna write if its swollen? i want the left..

*and i laid him the smackdown thrice*

and the story goes for all 3 other subjects.
total, i gave him 12 strokes..
and 2 more in addition
for bad conduct at the student care centre.

after all these,
i told him very sternly,
to me, lies are the worse things he can give me.
and i want no more of it from last night on..

so after that,
we just left the table and i went to bathe.
i saw the clock, it was 9.18pm.
i was psyching myself the need for midnight oil..

as i was in the shower,
i thought to myself through dis past month.
in a short span of 30days,
i disciplined both my siblings very sternly..

it feels almost like i'm single parent.
i was so tired inside..
upbringing a child is really not easy.
and i had to upbring 2 of totally different level!

i thought to myself,
why do i hafta go through all these?
why pauline doesn't have to!
why jessie and jeremiah don't have to!

i figured that there're no answers to those rhetorics.
i left it as that, and i took it as a customised lesson for me..
no point brooding over it,
just overcome it and see God's fullness of grace for me!

but ytd, i really thanked God that He sustained me.
and i even had enough energy to do QT after that..
such a privilege to serve and be blessed!
i'd trade anything for some quality time wif my best Friend.

just on a side note,
as i pulled out my readers' digest dis morning on the train,
i read the full articles of 'How to be an A+ parent'
and 'Words to inspire'..

i think i'm gonna be a father unexpectedly soon!
let's just hope dis is NOT gonna be true.
for the first time,
i'm actually not wanting marriage as yet!

self-pity.

Does it really matter that our circumstances are difficult? Why shouldn't they be! If we give way to self-pity and indulge in the luxury of misery, we remove God's riches from our lives and hinder others from entering into His provision. No sin is worse than the sin of self-pity, because it removes God from the throne of our lives, replacing Him with our own self-interest. It causes us to open our mouths only to complain, and we simply become spiritual sponges - always absorbing, never giving, and never being satisfied. And there is nothing lovely or generous about our lives.

- Oswald Chambers

model ans.

CLS says:
so what do we do now?

CLS says:
drop everything, take whatever we have, travel around and preach?

CLS says:
im not sarcastic

CLS says:
i dunno

desHOO. say:
that is in fact the most courageous decision.

desHOO. say:
esp when you feel so much for the aborigines.

desHOO. say:
that is also in fact what Jesus told His disciples to do.

CLS says:
then why do u wanna seek further knowledge in law, which is irrelavent in life as to spread the word of god, when u already know these?

for a background knowledge,
dis guy here is my friend from pri 3.
he's from a staunch buddhist family,
and he is far from a typical 'easy-to-evangelise' kinda guy.

always cynnical, always critical.
and he's one helluva vulguy!
but when it comes to brotherhood,
he's the one i know i can turn to!

but the point of me pasting the convo is dis,
it reminded me of how 'willing' i am,
to obey the great commision of Christ..
what is holding me back, to carry the cross?

desHOO. say:
that is one challenge i've been struggling in my life.

desHOO. say:
my worry to earn a 'luxurious' living.

desHOO. say:
i'm not perfect, i'm not Jesus.

desHOO. say:
i admit my greed.

desHOO. say:
we all know the model ans don't we?

desHOO. say:
but when it comes down to doing it, we just fall short.

one beauty of an authentic f/s
comes wif humility and honesty.
i know full well that what i say may stumble him,
but i'd rather admit my mistake than to go all 'holy' abt it.

come to think of it,
we don't haf much of an excuse, do we?
we strive for the best.
we work so hard to be the best..

but when it comes to bringing pple to Christ,
we say, "err, next time when i retire?"
"err, i don't think i can live a kampung lifestyle."
"den how to get married and stay in condo?"

the Lord has blessed us wif so much comfort,
so much intellect and luxuries.
is it backfiring towards Him?
is there a supposed piety in His blessings for us?

in any case,
we really hafta ask ourselves dis qn.
how much do we love God.
and how much do we love our neighbours.

i'm struggling so hard to put down all i haf,
to follow Him.
really not easy,
really not easy..

that is why we need You, Lord Jesus!
thank You for empowering us wif these 'talents'
teach us to be courageous in faith.
teach us to be obedient in truth.

ready?

we can say we're christians,
we can claim to be well-versed in the Word,
we can evangelise and teach,
but are we ready if the Lord comes back today?

knowing is one thing,
experience is another.
we can be ready to quote bible verses,
but are our hearts ready for the return of our Master?

adaptibility is one thing,
readiness is another.
we can easily adapt to changes,
but do we adapt only after frustration, or ready obedience?

we can do what is required.
many times we can rise up to the occasion..
but what i think is crucial,
is more of the initial response.

do we yield to anger
as quickly as we adapt to the change?
many times i find myself trapped in anger,
den only changes follow consequently out of reluctance.

are we ready today?
if God were to come back for us,
and He looks into our hearts,
are we ready to be called His children?

for a candid effect,
ORD stands for Operational Readiness Date.
and it also means that we ought to be ready if a war arises.
based on the 2yrs experience we had..

i've all the head knowledge,
i've all the experiences,
i've all the commands,
but am i ready for war?

readiness often test the innermost..
are we ready for the test?
or will our glamourous and holy exterior
crumble upon the test of God?

are we rooted in the Word deep enough,
that if a squall comes,
we'll still be standing strong.
or will we blown away in an instance?

readiness can only be achieved,
when we're constantly in contact wif God.
when we're constantly guarding our hearts from temptations.
when we haf an authentic r/s wif God..

no other way to be ready.
any other ways will just be a facade.
whom you can deceive pple around you,
or even yourself. but not God..

renewmylife.

in my life and thoughts
there are so many things.
that need the change that
only Your love can bring.

and i need to be transformed,
into Your likeness Oh God.
change dis heart inside of me..
change dis heart inside of me, Abba..

joke.

thank God for a good bunch of colleagues,
who can joke subtlely..
dis is fresh,
i'm still smiling even while typing dis!

marisha: did you cry over the wkend?
your eyes look puffy..
des: i wish i did, but i couldn't.
i couldn't even rmb the last time i wailed.

brooks (an american) walks past,
des: brooks, when was the last time you cried?
brooks: what kind of a question is that?
it was last night, when i realised i had to go to work tmr.

renewal.

what is the healthy or hygenic period,
for a toothbrush to be changed?
in any case,
i FINALLY changed my toothbrush after a yr and a half!

same model, different colour!
my very funny friend bought me 3 toothbrushes.
and those toothbrushes traveled abroad one hor!
got green and PINK!

now that i'm using the pink one,
i hope my sister will not mistake it for hers!
i hope that amidst her grogginess,
she'll still manage to see the groove in MY toothbrush!

but anyways,
ytd night was the opening ceremony for my pinkbrush.
boy, it was one helluva brush man!
SUPER PAIN LA!

and as i was brushing my teeth,
and maybe groaning..
a thought came into my muddled head again!
yeah, just lidat.

changes are necessary,
but its not necessarily for more comfort.
in fact, on the contrary,
it usually hurts even more!

although i got so used to and comfortable wif my oldbrush,
it couldn't serve its purpose anymore.
brushing teeth wasn't meant for massaging my gums and teeth
in the first place!

it was intended for cleaning and excavating.
nvr for a therapeutic experience.
more of a cleansing one..
and most of the time, cleansing hurts!

after discovering that my teeth were still stained
even straight after brushing them.
i thought, maybe the oldbrush is obsolete.
time for a new slate, a new guard.

and so i contemplated for a while,
thinking how can my 3 christmas trees see me thru
my whole ordeal of braced teeth!
i thought oldbrush had already served a good time.

so without further ado,
i went to change my toothbrush.
and when night comes, before i went to bed,
i was all excited for the refreshed change.

but being the muddled me,
i really forgot how new toothbrushes would feel like!
and seriously, pinkbrush gave me one good wake up call!
and ironically, i couldn't slp after that..

changes are meant to be for the better,
changes require lots of courage
to wean ourselves from the comfortable past.
changes require an initiative to retreat and re-evaluate.

many times in our lives,
we just get so used to our happy-go-lucky lives.
sometimes things in our lives start nagging,
we chuck it aside coz we're afraid of the 'pain' that changes bring.

of coz after brushing my teeth,
after spitting out toothpaste wif strains of blood.
i was excited to gargle and see the effects that newbrush brought!
my teeth were awesome!

it looked cleaner, fresher!
but there was a price to pay for these shine.
and we thank God for His mercies upon us..
for these trials are often shorter than what is to come!

i struggled while brushing,
it hurt pretty badly..
but the shine i know,
would last at least through the night.

a 3mins pain for a 3 times 3 hours of glory,
how great is that!
likewise in our lives,
we struggle thru trials, but the finish is sweet.

some of us would prefer to see dis life in entirety.
dis whole life is one big 80yrs of chalked up struggles..
but still, it'll come to an end.
wouldn't it?

and if we endure thru wif the grace of God,
the prize of these 'short-term' stuggles are eternal.
it has no expiry date,
it doesn't need another brush anymore!

Lord, i thank You for reminding us of Your love for us.
Your grace and mercies upon us!
knowing that we're finite, limited beings,
You did all You can, to save us from eternal death.

You saw the big picture in our lives,
and You rescued us from the
clutches of these dark portraits we drew ourselves.
we thank You Lord..

Father, help us to continue to trust in You.
for You've placed these trials in our lives meticulously.
enough to wake us up,
not enough to give us up, Lord!

since we cannot fathom what You can,
but Lord, help us to see things through Your spectacle.
that every small step we take,
or small decisions we make.

let it amount to Your honour and glory!
for all these belongs to You rightfully.
we want to live our lives in accordance wif Your will.
we want to live our lives in accordance wif Your will, Lord.

profanity.

how sad it is in dis day and age,
where we've got more vocab than faith.

blessings.

sometimes, when we feel so misunderstood.
when we feel so alone,
when we feel that nobody else understands,
when we feel that its better to keep mum..

God puts friends around you,
friends who understand the situation,
simply coz they'd been through the situation before!
its not easy to find friends like dis, but possible.

daniel z` says:
hahaha
maybe it's God putting us together to learn ba..
not easy to be on this alone

C. S. HOO says:
you bet

and for those whom i've spoken to today.
esp you, and you.
the first you, i totally understand what you're going thru.
the second you, i'm truly grateful for you.

our gracious Lord loves us so much,
that He wouldn't leave us.
and He too,
wouldn't leave us the way we are..

let us take a step back,
and see how much God has blessed us wif.
let us not look at what we don't haf for once,
let us look and be thankful for what we haf..

a glimpse.

just one glimpse of Your glory..
just one touch of Your Hand.
and i'll nvr be the same again..

just one glimpse of Your hope..
just one glimpse of Your love.
and i'll nvr be the same again..

sometimes the hope He blessed us wif,
are just right in front of us.
but many a times we're too blinded by what we want,
we fail to see His glory, Hand, hope and love.

axe-ations.

it was one of the toughest thing we had to do.
talk abt learning and maturing,
we sure know what the difficulties we face.
esp when it comes to human relations..

its okay.
we learn, we move on.

appalling.

the less you talk, the more pple will listen.

candid.

i think dis picture is quite candid.
and honestly, i kinda miss my old hairstyle..
but oh well,
thou shall not live by hair alone!

request.

a heart that hides Your word,
so that sin will not come in.
a heart that beats compassion,
that pleases You, my Lord.

and i pray that
a sweet aroma of worship,
will rise to Your throne.
may You be pleased, my King.

ORDday.

ytd, 6 of May 2009
marks the first year anniversary of my ORD!
marks one year of freedom,
marks one year of civilian life..

but the way i spent ytd,
surely didn't feel like a full-fledged civilian!
it was such a humid day,
that i felt like i ran for the whole day.

dis is a brief account of my adventure ytd.
the morning till lunch time was fine.
everything was normal,
apart from the tonnes of work to be done..

so then comes, lunch time!
i went to hong lim complex for curry chicken noodles.
the walk there was..
HOT AND SWEATY!

and oh, something quite funny happened.
there was dis lady in front of me ordered,
"curry mian bao."
so the stall owner just nodded and went on.

and when she packet the noodles,
the customer in front of me said in mandarin,
"i wanna eat here. not take away.."
dis time, the grumpy stall owner was furious!

she then shouted in mandarin,
"you said you wanna packet,
then now i cook alr, you say you wanna eat here!"
upon saying that, she threw away the packet of noodles..

so she went to prepare a bowl of the same order,
and den when she made it.
the customer said in mandarin,
"nono, i want bread. not noodles."

get it?
mian bao - bread
mian bao - noodles take away.
can you imagine the faces of the both of them?

yeah, so in the end.
the stall owner just sighed and said they don't haf bread.
and the customer walked away coz she didn't want noodles.
den she threw away the bowl of noodles too!!

so anyways,
i ordered mine and began eating.
all was well UNTIL..
complacency set in!

always very confident wif the way i handle my chopsticks.
after ytd, not anymore..
i giap the potato and before i could eat it,
the potato slipped and splat right into the bowl!

yeah, you can guess what happened to my shirt.
the stains of the curry on my striped shirt were big!
not the ordinary noodle splatter.
it were sizes of raindrops, full-blown!

i thought alright, maybe can just ignore.
den as i ate, i rmb i haf a meeting later in the day.
and i've a class after work wif pauline!
how am i gonna go for class and meeting in dis mess?!

den i became damn sian.
went to the toilet and inspected the debris.
to my disgust,
i thought to myself, "wah, really cannot la.."

so yeah, i rushed to raffles city to get a new shirt
and then after that!
guess what i did.
i went to robinsons and sprayed the tester cologne on myself!

HAHHAHAAHA!
oh, sucha vainpot.
but i felt so much better after that,
although that bowl of noodles cost me more than a couple of dollars!

and den as i was walking back,
i began perspiring again.
and before i could cool down back in the office,
i had to rush off for lesson.

den i perspired again.
and in class, i was cooled down.
i think i asked a very difficult yet controversial qn,
the teacher conveniently said dis..

"that's a good qn,
if you're really interested,
we've a couple of research books in the library.
you can look it up there.."

pauline and i knew exactly what was that all abt,
we just nodded and look back down at our slides.
knowing deep down,
that we should be gracious and not probe further..

after that, almost immediately,
there were murmurs throughout the class.
but pauline and i remained quiet,
and just looking at our papers.

den after class,
i was really quite tired and hungry.
had some dinner at kembangan and walked her home.
while on the way back to the mrt, i perspired again!

when i reached home,
i was drenched.
even after i showered, in the air con room,
i was still perspiring!

ahh, i think i'm not cool enough.

novelty.

as human beings,
we nvr fail to yearn for more.
we nvr fail to desire for something new.
we nvr fail to wish for another wish..

there is always a need for change,
to keep us motivated and excited for each day.
fatigue and bore set in,
when the constant suddenly look mundane..

was it the constant that changed,
or us that changed?
if it was the former,
the whole line would be an oxymoron, isn't it?

so that scales down to us,
being the 'constant' variable..
did we choose to be inconsistent,
or are we wired to keep changing?

i believe God knew we were 'near-sighted',
God knew our attention span can nvr exceed a day.
and being the loving Father He is,
He made novelty, a pleasure.

just like how He knew eating was a need to us,
He made eating enjoyable.
just like how He knew sex was an intimate form of one-ness,
He made sex a pleasure too.

but being greedy human beings,
our ways have since perversed the pure intention of God!
how audacious we are,
to claim that "God made us desire novelty anyways."!

for food was a pleasure,
gluttony wasn't intended by God!
can we indulge in binging and at the same time say "God allows."?
what temerity!

for sex was a sacred union between MARRIED couples,
pornography and masturbation wasn't intended by God!
can we indulge in those perversion
and defend our folly by saying it was God who made me dis way?

the world we're living in today,
haf strayed so far away from God.
so much so that wif our intellect and affluence,
we try to oust God and protest FOR His cruxificion again!

back to the point of novelty,
and God's intention for it.
i wouldn't know for sure what was God's idea
for the good He saw in novelty.

but as i've mentioned above,
i do know what is obviously NOT from God.
we don't need a priest or a reverend to tell us,
that perversion itself is a disgrace to God..

but i thank God for 'hints' He dropped
in the very nature of this world.
these seemingly untouched creations,
that men had not or could not distort.

an example of the balance of novelty and consistency.
a rhythm..
how beautiful isn't it?
such great wisdom envisaged.

a rhythm we all know,
is the essence of any forms of music!
sounds without rhythms,
are just noises.

the consistency of rhythm is incontrovertible.
and the change that we human beings desire,
and the change that God graciously pardoned,
is the tempo that varies btw the verses and choruses.

a rhythm keeps the beat in check throughout,
at the same time allows variations to 'enhance' the music.
such profanity,
such beauty in music!

another congruent example would be,
our heartbeat.
it beats fast and slow,
but it is ever constant at the same time.

it doesn't beat 2 beats in a sec,
and 3 beats in the next sec.
even if there were changes,
it is and will be gradual..

these are changes which hinted that God
being a reasonable and just God,
allowed such novelty in our lives.
to maybe make things more enjoyable in life.

but we as human beings,
tend to twist His intentions around,
and turn the tables to our favour.
dis isn't the way to say 'thank You..'

Lord, i thank You for dis sounding reminder.
Father, purify our hearts, minds and souls.
may our ways be pleasing unto You!
may our ways be in tandem wif Yours!

toobig?

sometimes when our problem seems too big,
sometimes we just feel all alone,
sometimes we just feel like we can't go on anymore,
but ever thought that that was just our perspective?

i think i'd prefer to see it in dis perspective.
who was there to take dis photo?
its gotta be someone bigger,
its gotta be somebody stronger.

so that simply means,
we're nvr alone.
no matter how silent times may get,
always know that He is watching over us.

thank You.

haircut.

as most of you might haf realised,
that i chopped almost half the length of my hair.
and the retarded response i get from pple,
it was quite worth it!

but i've also subtlely realised,
that something in me has changed..
i think i've grown to be more patient,
to be more of a 'wait-er'.

inter alia, some of the response were such.
jessie: errreerrrrr.. (wif that trademark face of hers)
des: yeah, i know. i'm just giving pple chance to outshine me!
jessie: eeerrrrrr..... (wif that trademark face of hers)

huimin: your last time hair nicer!
des: i know i know, give it some time..
zing: eh sialah, what happened sia?
des: hahaha, give it 3 wks.

qinghui: (laughs from afar)
*qinghui drags angel and tricia along to laugh wif her*
jacinta: looks at me from afar wif her mouth agape.
des: *turns away shyly*

weiming: eh wah! trying to copy me?
des: hahaha, maybe?
wilbert: wah! err.. nice hair.
des: thanks!

i realised something,
for those who know me for a longer time,
would know that i'm a perfectionist.
and a person who puts hairstyles in high regard.

given the des-old-mond,
he'd haf gone to cut botak straightaway.
instead of being not here nor there..
he'll rather restart his hairstyle!

but now, des-new-mond,
he endured the laughs and jeers from pple!
and found out that his security no longer binds wif looks,
but more of confidence in the Lord.

he took it in good fun and stride,
as he sees pple.
he knows deep down,
that dis hairstyle is not gonna be permanent..

seeking perfection even in the present,
will somehow pose as a barrier
to allow God to work in us.
we sometimes take too much ownership in our lives..

we think we own the 24hrs a day,
we think we own our job, our studies,
we think we own our family,
we think we own our lives.

but when we think we own something,
nobody else is allowed to touch or change it.
that explains why
the more we think we own, the more we get disappointed.

coz things just didn't go our way.
coz what we want didn't materialise.
a sense of ownership and responsibility
draws a thin line wif pride and hardened hearts..

as a worship leader,
if i were to be so consumed wif the fact that
the band is in my command,
there won't be any space for God at all.

and that will make my worship
to God, be to me..
that is outright heresy!
a detestable sight in the heavens and the hades.

i took too much ownership on my future,
that i get so disappointed wif it.
sometimes i pray that i commit my life to God
out of protocol and obligation..

the only way, or rather, the better way,
to be able to commit our lives to God.
is not by saying it aloud, or blogging it,
but to lose 'dictatorship' of our lives.

dis 24hrs is entrusted to us,
its not an entitlement.
dis career or sch is entrusted to us,
its not an entitlement.

as i was reading the bible last night,
it talked abt the reknown parable of the talents.
i thought its just so apt
to share it here in context wif the above.

the master entrusted 5, 2 and 1 talents
to each of his servant in view of their individual capabilities.
some day, the master will come back,
and we're to return the talents to Him!

so these many many 24hrs our Master entrusted us,
these careers, spouses, families, money, friends,
are entrusted to us.
so that one fine day, we'll return our Master what belongs to Him!

sometimes we think "i worked hard for these.. its mine"
maybe we might wanna try thinking of it as,
"Lord, these i worked hard for You! may You be pleased.."
we may find that life will be more meaningful, happier.

hee bang.

woa wu dang xi ba lu hee bang
woon lao pei bo ah nee pai seng deh.
mai bo dai bo ji luan leong,
wu xi mi mee gia, ho ho gong.

woon lao bu jin jia sian liao,
bo lat lai ah nee kuan sio meh.
ji zhun wan geh,
woon hia di ji bei long zhong bo xim tak chek..

woa bei an zua ho leh?
ji zhun tio bey gor neng eh suey eh,
tio bey suey sah,
tio bey zoh guard duty.

woa jin eh bo ai hee bang xi mi,
ba lu ai woa eh gei teng ho ho.
qian buan buey sai sua.
ya sor, zhu li bo bee woa eh gei teng..

woa giu li,
bai tok li.

run.

i'm gonna run the run.
and i'm going for a run.
i kinda like dis pun,
coz its kinda fun!

random.

i thought these were some nice pictures.

there're more snooping around in facebook i'd presume.

oh, and a further note,

i'm calling all facebook-backsliders for an outing!

confessions.

too often,
we identify 'confession' wif asking for forgiveness.
more often than not,
we thought confession was repentance.

or rather,
we think that repentance follow after confession.
such a warped conundrum we'd been entangled in!
it is by no means a consequential effect!

when we confess,
it should rather, harbour the intention of humility.
it is not so much of asking for forgiveness,
but rather admitting our misdeeds or sins..

and repentance will be in effect while we confess.
as we stop and reflect everynight,
the Lord graciously reveals to us things that haf pleased Him
as well as the contrary..

and it is then,
we quieten down our hearts and confess.
admitting of our wrongdoings and be grateful
that God had forgiven us by evidence of the cross..

i just thought of dis analogy.
the famous tree that washington chopped off..
it is not that washington senior couldn't afford another tree,
or patient enough to wait for it to grow!

all he desires,
was for washington, his son,
to be bold and humble at the same time,
to confess and admit his wrongdoing!

the problem wif apologizing in contrast wif confessing,
is that the former usually tags wif a tinge of expectation.
when we say sorry,
we expect forgiveness.

if we're not forgiven and the person says,
"glad you wake up your idea"
it becomes another sin that we harbour in our hearts.
'it took me so much courage to apologize and you're telling me dis?'

pride sets in and that defeats
the whole purpose of apologizing isn't it?
whereas insofar, confession doesn't allow a response.
or at least, an expectation of a nice cuddly forgiveness..

we first, humble ourselves and identify
the crux of the misdeed, or commonly known as sin.
we understand and realise what and why it was committed,
and consequently, the grave price to pay.

then only, a 'sorry' will come right
out of humility and regret.
needless to say,
that's what a sincere apology would entail.