discovery.

dis post is gonna be purely abt SELF-discovery.
no inspirations from God.
no divine revelation.
just a self reflection, and disgusting self-discovery..

it is strange how i got by the past week.
i believe nobody could've sensed it,
even pple around me.
even pple who'd been talking to me..

i've grown cold towards the Lord,
i've slackened in my own ways
and i'm facing the brunt of it.
not the price of sin, but the price of lonesomeness.

the past week,
my QT had been sporadic.
days and nights where i find myself too tired
to even wanna read and pray.

something which i enjoyed so much doing in the past,
i found it extremely irritable and troublesome now.
disappointment and anger and frustration got the better of me,
and i caved in last night.

i guess i kept so much within myself
eversince the rejection from SMU,
that now i don't seem to be able to express myself,
effectively.

i guess i was disappointed deep inside,
i guess i was misunderstood far too many times,
i guess i felt that there's no point talking anymore,
coz it just simply doesn't make sense in the first place.

always seeking for comfort from pple,
whenever i try to talk to them.
only knowing what they're gonna tell me,
and i'm starting from scratch again.

the emptied tank in me,
doesn't seem to be able to open up for filling anymore.
maybe some of you might haf had the slightest idea,
but i think i've died inside..

many times, i pictured and assumed that God
was like the other gods or other human beings.
you do something wrong, Big Daddy's gonna punish you.
until you feel the pain, you've not learnt the lesson..

anger and frustration built up so bad,
that ytd when my mum asked me
"so how? what course are you gonna take dis time."
it was her first time asking, and i flared up.

i felt so bad after that,
but an apology wasn't delivered..
i pissed some others along the way,
and i gave up.

i was so angry wif myself,
not the least bit repentant.
i was lost, confused, alone, sad, upset, frustrated.
i didn't know who to turn to.

but dis time,
i forced myself to do QT.
again, nothing changed.
but i knew something happened within.

and i was reminded of something,
that was shared during DINOS last time.
when you fall away, it wasn't because of your sins.
it was because you've turned your face away from God.

i knew exactly what went wrong here.
it all fell together like dominos.
started wif a weak r/s wif God,
along wif personal 'wish-list' that weren't answered.

disappointments that are not properly channeled,
builds up to more disappointments.
and finally anger and frustrations took over,
and got the better of me.

all these while,
it only started off wif a weak r/s wif God.
and all else couldn't build upon it..
coz the load won't stop coming, its how i withstand it.

the world won't stop revolving just for me to learn a lesson.
life goes on, and its how i learn to pick up again,
but of coz.
wif God's help and strength..

it shall nvr again,
be depended on my emotional tank.
it calls for discipline and faith.
and it, shall be construed as 'r/s wif God'.

Lord, please help me to walk wif You, again.