worthy regrets.

have you ever taken your second chance for granted, third chance for granted, fourth chance for granted and yet not knowing that your fourth was your last.

- undisclosed source

so many times,
we're bogged down by our desires.
so many times,
we've no choice but to submit.

many times we'd think,
if only we knew dis was our last chance.
many times we'd hope,
if only i handled them better.

but i think for me,
the beauty of not knowing
is really to teach us a lesson
at full throttle.

we wouldn't learn as hard
if we knew and could adjust our gauge of effort.
we wouldn't learn anything
if we knew how it would exactly end.

dis morning as i pondered over a letter,
again from screwtape to wormwood.
as i was walking out of the mrt station,
there were a lot of thoughts that came..

one of which caught me thinking for quite a while,
and i dismissed it as a thought induced by the devil.
it is of such,
"the more i read, the more i know, the harder it gets."

sometimes i really wished i wasn't that inquisitive.
sometimes i really wished i'd just live life the way it is.
coz after reading so much, and consequently knowing more,
it makes it almost impossible to please God.

and just as i was on the verge of chucking that thought,
it suddenly dawned upon me.
"that is why i sent Jesus, my child.."
if i was at home, i'd kneel in repentance at once!

all these while,
i was actually trying to please God, to honour God
wif my own efforts!
reading and understanding in hope of improving.

all these knowledge are healthy,
but it backfires when we think we can do it on our own!
a child can enter the Kingdom of God
without having to behave like a priest on the outside!

if it took me so much reading and struggling
to know that at the end of the day,
wif my own human effort, its futile.
it is absolutely worth it!

God indeed speaks and teaches us
in ways that we're good yet weak at.
He is like a private driving instructor,
who knows my weakness and personalises the lessons accordingly!

church is like a class.
the teacher's attention is divided through 20+ students..
but the real learning is harnessed
when we revise on our own at home or wif a 1-on-1 tutor..

whereby likewise, our QT is like 1-on-1 tuition.
we read and practise what we learn in 'class' in our own lives.
and if given a chance,
we can 'present' our answers as testimonies and encouragements!

Lord, how amazing You are!
what a great full-time Teacher You are!
teaching us lessons that pierces through our depths,
and telling us of the truth..

i want to know You,
i want to know You more.
i want to touch You,
i want to touch You Lord

hell.

indeed the safest road to Hell is the gradual one - the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.

- C. S. Lewis
The Screwtape Letters

indeed, the road to Heaven is narrow
only few shall find and pass through it.
should my life be too smooth,
it just means i'm too far off..

appalling.

after a dozen of letters
from screwtape to wormwood.
i stand amazed,
at the same time enlightened..

screwtape is the uncle of wormwood,
and both of them are the devil's advocates.
a witty yet uncanny wordplay by C S Lewis,
described with wry humour in medieval english.

the letters btw the 2,
'reporting' on their assigned 'patient'
on their spiritual welfare and well-being.
and how should they keep human beings out of heaven.

we've been mis-perceiving what sin is,
what God displeases and pleases at.
we've been fogged out by the vague and overused terms,
faith, love.

often we think,
and we're able to recognise that
bad thoughts are from the evil,
good thoughts are from God.

what are good thoughts?
having a goal in life is good?
serving in a ministry is good?
being determined to excel in whatever we're placed in is good?

these idealogies are faux pas!
these ideologies are passe!
the vices of the devil haf gone way beyond
those seemingly 'obvious' tell-tale signs.

all the devil plans to do,
is no longer just putting bad images or thoughts
into that ever-wondering mind of ours.
no longer that easy to recognise..

the devil simply rides on to whatever we're occupied wif.
say for example, a career..
it is a good path to take!
all aspiring and motivated.

but be careful, dear friends.
the devil will not take those 'good motivations' away.
in fact, it rides on them and only focuses on
getting us so focused on our career that we neglect prayer.

so focused on our 'good thought'
that the devil just needs to keep our minds preoccupied.
coz once its preoccupied,
nothing else, including God, can come in..

we talk abt our daily business,
let's not even talk abt lust, pornography, malice, lies.
we talk abt things that are good in the eyes of the society.
studies, career, relationships, desire to excel.

all these good things will only remain good,
provided we keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.
the moment we fumble and falter,
falling short of the world's standard, we're easily dismayed.

we haf displeased the Lord.
coz it shows that our hearts are not placed on God
but on the results of whatever we're entangled in.
we've sinned.

as long as we keep our eyes or minds off Jesus,
we're in a very dangerous position..
'fixing our eyes on Jesus'
is often loosely used, seldom understood.

what it means to really fix your eyes on someone?
let us learn from a child.
i love to use dis analogy,
dis imagery of a daughter.

haf you ever seen a kid,
preferably under the age of 3.
those who just learnt to walk,
still wobbly, but able to cover some distance.

next time when you're out,
look out for such kids.
they usually run wif their hands up
and a chuckle in their faces.

on one end, you'll see the kid
and on the other, you'll see a parent.
the parent wasn't wif his child.
but puts out his hands to signal for his child to come here.

and the child will sprint wif all her might,
irregardless of how chunky her legs are,
undisturbed by the wobbles,
all she wants to do, is to reach her dad!

notice that even if she's holding on to her toy,
she holds it in one hand,
and she uses both arms for balance.
she is not really bothered by how she'll crush the toy!

all she wants to do,
is to reach her dad.
and to do that,
she knows she cannot distracted from her father!

if the father signals to his kid
and as she is halfway through,
he stands up and walks away,
the kid will fall..

she will not stop and stand in wonder of confusion.
she will fall because she's distracted by the thought
that her dad doesn't want her anymore.
that distraction is too great for her to remain focus anymore.

i've seen tonnes of baby sprints.
some falling, some glad..
but none distracted, none got blue blacks!
kids can fall and crawl, yet haf no blue blacks..

those kids who can look back or around
and run at the same time,
they're too old.
they've been confident after many times of running.

when we were young,
knowing that we're always in need of our parent.
that's when we're the most focused,
least distracted, least discouraged.

the older we get,
when we realise we can actually
look elsewhere while running,
that's when pride and distractions come in.

the older we get, the harder we fall.
the older we get, the more easily disappointed we get.
do we really still need the Lord?
since now, we can run without having the need to focus..

the older we get, the more ambitious we become.
we attempt to run to our father
wif 2 hands full.
full of delicate 'toys' in our lives..

and we realise that running wif full hands,
aren't exactly the most efficient way.
we also realise that we're more concerned abt
the condition of the 'toys' than on our destination.

what are our 'toys' these days?
are our hands too full,
that we find ourselves unable to run to God wif all our heart?
all our strength and all our mind?

if we're too busy everyday,
to even take a min to reflect.
we can forget abt taking 30 secs
to even think abt praying..

and 'i love You Jesus'
becomes an imminent despicable lie!
a statement in which the devil has no frets over.
a lie that pains the heart of the Father who sees beyond words..

C. S. HOO

screwtape letters by C S Lewis
is really screwing my brains up.
the language he use,
oh my..

conviction.

after abstaining from it for a while,
in lieu of prison-break-epidemic..
i caught another movie tonight,
its called 'unfaithful'.

dis movie, i rmbed i watched it
on my 16th bday..
wif 2 other guy friends!
3rd sept 2002.

i rmb it so vividly because i rmb telling my friend,
"dis is so not NC-16!
that guy was like humping the girl
like a quarter of the time la!"

today i watched it again,
wif a different perspective.
and not sure why,
it wasn't as explicit as i rmbed it to be!

what overcame me dis time,
was the feeling of guilt,
and consequently, the deep desire for freedom.
whatever it takes for a clean slate..

the explicit scenes didn't get my attention dis time,
more of the whole plot.
and how guilt builds up,
and ultimately tears down a person..

after the show,
as i was brushing my teeth.
all of a sudden,
i was reminded of the cross!

do i really appreciate what Christ did for me?
am i really convicted that i need the cross?
what will it take for me to be convicted?
and how can i be convinced that i need Jesus to die for me?

the answer is dis,
only when you realise how much a sinner you are.
how 'dirty' you are,
how helpless you are.

in the show,
richard gere killed somebody.
and the desperate attempts to wash the blood away,
the futile scrubs of the stains!

such a beautiful reminder..
there's nothing we can do,
to be as clean as what Jesus did for us.
absolutely nothing.

we can scrub the wall stained wif blood,
but it'll only turn pink, den brown.
we can only chop off our hands,
to be cleaned from the blood odour and stain..

God knew all these,
coz He made it the way it is.
and He knows the consequences of sin,
as cold as a murder, death.

richard gere was filled wif so much guilt,
that he wanted to turn himself in.
could you imagine if the police told him,
"since you're so honest, the president gave you a pardon."

what would his life be like after that?
would he continue to commit crimes?
i don't think he'll even park without coupons!
much less, rob, or even murder.

i've heard so many times,
including myself.
every time i confess and repent,
it comes back again.

that was simply because
we weren't convinced that we're sinners.
we're too complacent wif the way things are now.
we take 2nd chances too lightly these days..

only when you know you committed something so wrong!
that you'll understand and appreciate
the beauty and need for forgiveness and grace!
we need that cross so badly, my friends..

Lord, thank You for the cross
the mighty cross.
that God Himself should die for
such as us..

truth.

i extol You,
Lord i extol You..

journey.

many of us are badgered by
painful decisions, unknown / unlikely signs.
heard from the Lord,
but yet going abt doing it is awkward.

through abraham,
many lessons on obedience can be harnessed.
many of us are impressed or even inspired
by his act of obedience.

but i wanna explore what went through his mind
when he and isaac were walking up the hill,
to the place of 'offering'.
what went through his mind?

was he excited?
that he heard God's voice and just choose to do
whatever the Lord wants him to do?
even if it means to offer 'isaac', the son whom He promised?

a prudent guess would be the contrary.
i wouldn't say that doubts clouded his single mind.
maybe more of pain, the reluctance to part..
but his obedience got the better of him and that pleased God!

let's look at noah.
he started building the ark when it was sunny.
nobody in his sane mind,
would think building an ark would be a worthwhile investment.

but noah heard God's seemingly absurd call.
to build an ark of a magnificent dimension..
and even told him that it would save his life,
and his family's..

if God were to ask me to build an igloo in s'pore,
and He tells me that it will save my life and my family's.
honestly, i won't know if its from God,
or is it just another of my warped thoughts..

but noah obeyed and went accordingly.
another exemplary account of obedience..
he knew it was weird, it seems ridiculous,
it was a tough call to follow.

but again, i wanna explore what he went through
WHILE building the ark.
or even when he was contemplating
if he heard correctly from God.

he must haf factored in the laugh-ats he's gonna get.
he must haf had sleepless nights trying to reconcile wif it.
but obeying God's call was his primary goal
and God honoured and saved him and his family..

i just wanna encourage you guys,
whoever of you who heard God and struggled within.
i wanna urge you to be focused!
His ways are higher than ours.

we may not be able to see the rationale now,
but we haf nothing to lose in the first place.
everything on earth is temporary,
but His will and plans will prevail..

emotional attachments, logic, peer pressure.
these may very well be the factors of disobedience.
i wanna pray alongside you,
that we may muster enough courage to go forth!

to do what pleases the Lord,
and not yourself.
to do what the Lord ask you to do,
and not yourself.

the journey is what pleases the Lord,
the 'execution' will then be the deliverance.
the journey is painful but worthwhile.
the 'execution' will be a testimony for our Lord Saviour!

press on, brothers and sisters in Christ.
for His kingdom and will
are greater than our finite wants.
His love endures forever!

o.O

appreciation, encouragements.
these are such essentials
that are so hard to come by..

then again,
we can always thank God,
for He is ever-consistent, ever encouraging!

You are my Comforter.

grief.

grief is often or in fact always classified as
a bad emotion.
an emotion that nobody likes to endure,
or even encounter.

but grief, at the same time
is one of the most telling emotions.
an emotion that signifies the 'love' you haf
for that something or someone.

tell a soccer player that his leg has to be amputated,
he cannot play soccer ever again.
he is griefed.
because he loves soccer so much..

tell a dancer that her spine can nvr be bent as much anymore,
coz of the screws at the vertebrae.
she is griefed.
because she loves dancing so much..

tell a mother that her child collided with a bus,
and was declared dead at the scene.
she is griefed.
because she loves her child so much..

grief is the most real, most obvious emotion
that tells of your love.
even in a r/s,
when your bf/gf hurts you, you're griefed.

on the contrary,
laughter, fun are the most misleading emotions!
you can laugh and haf fun
wif people whom you are barely acquainted.

but you can nvr cry at the wake
of an acquaintance.
if you can cry even while watching lilo & stitch,
you're an exception!

there can nvr be enough grief
for you to stop loving something or someone.
because the more you love,
the more you're open to grief..

think abt it,
it isn't that bad an emotion to be in.
at least, its a gauge
to see how much you care..

then again,
maybe its just another of my warped theories.

thanksgiving.

many of us will not be able
to identify wif hunger around the world.
it isn't within our sight,
doesn't mean it does not exist.

the point that tucked my heartstrings,
was my selfish envy, my endless wants.
i've so many things in life,
yet i want more.

some of you might haf alr known,
my SMU application got screwed up.
they didn't process the supporting documents
which i submitted by hand.

they claimed that they didn't receive,
and i pleaded wif them asking,
"what else can be done to be given just a chance?"
she said, "i'm sorry, there're bound to be human errors."

as i was on the way home,
i couldn't come to terms wif it.
yet at the same time,
i was reminded that i've committed it to God.

gazettes of thoughts whizzed through.
"is dis God's way of closing doors?"
"is He testing me to see how much i want dis?"
"how can i honour Him from dis disappointment?"

as i was going home,
i saw kids in sch uniform smoking.
i hear uni students bitching abt studies,
and wanting to just go out to work..

there was such immense emotion in me,
the urge to just go up to them and say,
"do you know how blessed you are
to be eligible for a spot in education!"

but i know deep down,
i was frustrated at how things unfold in my life.
at the same time,
God's telling me the exact same thing!

"do you know how blessed you are to haf a job?"
"do you know how blessed you are to be able to drive?"
i was torn apart.
frustrations, envy, goals, plans, reassurance, blessings.

we're placed where we are,
for a reason, my friends.
do not envy, do not worry..
God knows just the right kinda life you're made for!

in times of difficulty,
be reminded that He is putting you through it
coz He thinks you're up to it.
He loves you enough to discipline you..

in times of envy, jealousy,
be reassured that you alr haf all you need.
anything that comes along the way,
they're blessings, not requirements..

in times of hurt,
be reminded that You're not alone in it.
for He understands and He'll comfort you.
go to Him, if not, He'll come to you..

Lord, forgive me for being blinded
by worldly desires.
i know i cannot serve 2 masters,
and i've chosen to serve You and You alone.

may You take dis cup away from me,
if it is in accordance with Your will.
may i honour You in all my ways,
because You're deserving of my all.

Dear God, i thank You
for blessing me thus far!
may Your kingdom come,
may Your will be done in me.

In Your dear Son's name, Jesus.
Amen.

Lord, i thank You for Your reminder.
that until You say its over,
it is not.
for nothing, absolutely NOTHING is impossible for YOU!

hmm.

Father, is dis what you felt
when my ways disappoint You?

setbacks.

if my God is for me, who can be against me?

wiredDIFFERENTLY.

zing and i were saying,
guys are made to wear 'fix-it' caps.
girls are made to wear blindfolds.

when it comes to problems,
guys race to solve it.
girls fog to haze it.

but i guess we're all wired differently,
and its how we compliment each other.
how we understand each other.

there's no point trying to say how escapist they are,
or how irritating we are right?
coz the problem is still there, just worse.

i guess sometimes,
knowing how your partner is wired
is more effective than knowing ourselves.

even if we don't get to solve it,
at least we didn't start another one.
how beautiful God made us to be!

relationships are so complicated,
at the same time simple.
it is us, who likes to 'simplicate' things!

ah, men..
(in general terms inclusive of women)

HAHHAAH!
i suddenly thought of dis.
why do we say amen, and not awomen?

and dis..
if 'wired' is typed and came out wrongly,
it will be just 'weird'.

dis just proves that
things are supposed to be the way it is crafted,
any other ways or errors just sends the wrong message!

FEVER IS BURNING MY BRAINS!

worth?

"And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."
James 5:15-16

if a problem isn't worth praying abt,
its not worth worrying abt.

amazing.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that SUFFERING PRODUCES PERSEVERANCE; PERSERVERANCE, CHARACTER; AND CHARACTER, HOPE. AND HOPE DOES NOT DISAPPOINT US, BECAUSE GOD HAS POURED OUT HIS LOVE INTO OUR HEARTS BY THE HOLY SPIRIT WHOM HE HAS GIVEN US."

Romans 5:1-5

ytd as i was on the way home,
there was a surge of joy
that just burst through my heart!
an indescribable joy..

i wonder if any of you had felt it before,
but at that instance,
i knew through my mind, heart and soul.
it was the joy of the Lord~!

it was so uncontainable,
i nodded my head in beat and grinned in the mrt.
i sang ALOUD while plugged into my mp3
while walking from the mrt station back home.

there was dis immense joy in me,
so powerful.
it was as though i had enough energy to run 20km!
from my home to city hall!

"the joy of the Lord is my strength."
the true meaning was experienced last night.
so powerful, so powerful..
thank You Lord!!

although it was just a feeling,
just an emotion or expression.
i thank God for it for i know that the Lord is wif me!
even when i'm in the rut of my life now..

the joy that i felt last night just didnt make sense.
not as if SMU called me for an interview,
not as if i've a girlfriend..
the joy i felt last night was way better than that!

it was much more real than any other emotions on earth.
it was more than a passing emotion to me.
it was a revelation, a benchmark.
it was an answer to my carnal 'sufferings'.

it was as though the Holy Spirit within me,
is yelling dis
"dis is what joy is! dis is what God wants to give you!"
it was like a sample or a tester or a taste of God's goodness.

and now, because i know what joy feels like,
i'd say i'm more confident to know what
the peace of the Lord feels like.
and with these, i know more accurately when God approves.

i rmb i asked mingjie some years ago,
"how you know God is approving of you and adeline?"
he smirked and i could sense his nonsense underway,
i said, "no nonsense, i'm serious."

so he wiped that smirk away and thought for a while,
it was as though amidst the noises of our surrounding
his words pierced through my drums as he uttered,
"you'll feel dis sense of peace and joy, not just you but both of you."

from then, i used that as a benchmark
as to whether God is approving or not.
but i've to admit,
i followed my heart, more than i followed Him.

and i've no complaints for my brunt now.
but in fact, i rejoice in jubilee and thanksgiving
that He put me through all these!
coz now i know what His 'signs' look like.

so now after all the 'sufferings' and heartaches,
i've a clearer picture of what it is all abt.
and even if i don't haf a gf,
the joy of the Lord will be enough to sustain me!

i chanced upon the verse above,
and i thought, "wow, how amazing."
it was only through sufferings,
that character and ultimately, hope can be fostered.

my friends who are struggling in your own areas,
take heart and rejoice!
for it is a sign, that God is bringing you
nearer to character, and consequently, HOPE!

and my friends,
even when things seem so impossible.
even when things doesn't seem to make any sense!
when holding on seems to be the most sane way out.

i encourage you,
to let go, let Him.
for He is good, He's above all things.
nothing is impossible for Him!

absolutely NOTHING!
c'mon, for goodness sake
He made the entire universe,
why won't He allow you your heart's desires!

it is only if it is fitting to Him,
that's where faith and trust come in.
He knows the perfect distance btw earth and sun,
so that we can get nice tans and not barbequed.

why doubt Him for knowing what is best for you,
why doubt Him for knowing when is best for you?
He is above all things,
honour Him, and He will honour you.

His ways are higher than ours,
only if we can be more obedient and trusting.
He'd shown me a fraction of His goodness,
i'm sure He'll show you if you allow Him to!

qwerkyCHAT.

desHOO. say:
the more you seek to know, the more you find yourself in love.

desHOO. say:
love fades the moment you're complacent.

desHOO. say:
just take carnal r/s btw guys and girls.

desHOO. say:
pple can say, "i don't think i've anymore feelings for you."

desHOO. say:
coz they're either bored wif their partner, or their r/s was only based on emotions.

desHOO. say:
r/s wif all emotions and no committments, is like a wheel without tyre.

desHOO. say:
the car can stll travel on rims.

desHOO. say:
but sooner or later, it'll get bumpy, and sparks will fly.

desHOO. say:
and no choice, hafta pull over and take bus.

desHOO. say:
HAHHAAH

Dion says:
hahahahahahah

desHOO. say:
wah, i think i'm a genius.

desHOO. say:
ahahahha

Dion says:
ya

desHOO. say:
dis kinda analogy also can thinhk.

desHOO. say:
ahahahah

Dion says:
where u get all the imagery from

Dion says:
hahahahah

desHOO. say:
nothing?

desHOO. say:
as i type, it just comes lor.

desHOO. say:
hahhaha

Dion says:
i see

Dion says:
haha

desHOO. say:
i tried to google, but i realise the westerners are damn cliche.

desHOO. say:
hahhaha

Dion says:
yep i know that

Dion says:
hahaha

Dion says:
wa

Dion says:
i gotta save this chat log

desHOO. say:
haaha

desHOO. say:
why?

Dion says:
and go and like think about it

btw, the context for the above is r/s wif God.
trying to tell him that a r/s wif God
cannot be just based on emotions,
feel high, God is good. feel low, God is fluke.

and i brought him the analogy of a carnal r/s,
which i thought made some sense too!
so i hope you'll be edified,
and not feel blue coz God is good ALL THE TIME!

myALL.

all to Jesus i surrender,
all to Him i freely give.
from today on,
i only wanna seek Your face.

i'll not go anywhere unless You tell me to,
i don't wanna fall down again.
i'll not pin any hopes anymore,
i don't wanna be distracted from You.

whatever happens,
let it be according to Your will.
whatever happens,
let it be pleasing unto You.

Lord, here i am.

ownhandsorHis?

how often do we take things into our own hands?
and yet at the same time say "trust and obey"

a lil boy once had dis toy bear,
which he loved dearly.
he spent alot of time wif it
and let almost no one come close to it.

randy would play wif his 'pooch'
indoors and outdoors.
he'd share his tiny secrets wif pooch,
knowing that it would be safe.

he slept wif pooch,
played wif pooch,
confided wif pooch,
and pooped wif pooch.

they had great times together!

due to the humidity
and the theorem of wear and tear,
pooch got smelly and needed a wash.
but randy refused and clung on even tighter!

his mum knew that randy had sensitive skin,
and felt the need to give pooch a good wash.
knowing that his mum was trying to take pooch away,
randy was really upset and refused to give it up.

mum: randy, it is for your own good.
randy: but i want pooch by my side!
mum: do you trust me?
randy: yes, i do. but..

i've to admit i was or still am like randy.
always looking at the 'now'..
always thinking that i know what's best for me.
at least for now.

i believe many of us haf our 'pooches' in life.
things or even people that we just can't let go..
somtimes even though we know its for our good,
we just can't bear to.

and yet, we often say we trust God.
how do we prove our trust?
some would say, i trust Him in every other thing!
some would even say, why can't God trust me!

because of our tenacity,
and as i am typing dis.
the word 'pride' just pops up so clearly!
we think we're good enough.

randy could bear wif the smell,
or at least more than he could bear to part wif pooch.
but his mum knows,
that if it goes on, randy would be harmed.

randy probably faced fear,
like many of us when we're told to give up.
afterall, his mum would return randy his pooch right?
but of coz randy wouldn't be so sure of that!

i guess that's where trust and faith comes in.
if our pooch gets returned to us after being taken away,
good for us.
but if it doesn't, we've to know its only for the better.

randy has to trust in his mum,
that things will be better btw him and pooch.
wif better smell,
and less irritation on his skin.

but if it doesn't gets returned to him,
he has to know that maybe his time wif pooch is up.
time to wean off the past
and trust that there're better things awaiting!

i don't know why,
but i feel so much pain typing all these.
all i know is that,
dis is something out of my comfort zone.

and i definitely cannot do without divine help.
now, its up to me to exemplify trust..
do i trust Him enough?
do i know Him enough to trust Him?

joanna once told me,
sometimes, the only way to love
is to let her go.
i've to admit, its true..

april20.

"The Lord rewards every man for his righteousness and faithfulness."

1 Samuel 26:23

in dis time of uncertainty,
Lord help me to be assured in You.
in dis time of doubt,
Lord help me to be assured in You.

i will be strong,
even though i now know i'm weak.
i will be faithful,
even though the future seems bleak.

help me to discern from lies,
for i wanna hear from the Voice of Truth.
Lord, i thank You for reminding me
of Your presence in me..

- strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord -

choirBEST!

i'm super impressed by dis!

farfetched.

i wish i knew i wasn't that strong.

wayback?

hmm..

onceagain.

Trust in the Lord with ALL YOUR HEART, and lean not on your own understanding.

Proverbs 3:5

dis verse, is so vivid in my memory.
dis verse, meant so much to me.
dis verse pulled me up when i was down.
dis verse encouraged me throughout 09.

submission.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:9

Lord, have Your way in me.
for i am near-sighted..
Lord, have Your way in me.
for my ways are futile..

take me, use me
for Your Kingdom's cause.
mold me, refine me
for i want to be made pleasing unto You.

approved?

apart from all these
love entries.
apart from all my carnal desires
there is still dis.

all these are not controlled by me,
but by my Father.
who has full jurisdiction over me.
and in Him i trust..

all these desires won't go away,
neither will He take away.
but i'm gonna seek His face even more,
and thank Him for all that He'd taught me thus far.

as much as i want a companion,
i must and will be very clear of my want.
and if it impedes me from getting closer to God,
or even restricts my view from Him..

den it is only right for me
to go to Him first, however hard it might seem.
and i don't believe in 'the one'..
neither do i believe in fate.

what i believe is dis.
that whatever i do,
be it dating whoever the girl i'm fond of,
it MUST be honouring unto God.

and dis is the criteria of my r/s.
a r/s which i know is God-approved,
is one which will allow my partner and i to be edified
by one another, and by God.

notwithstanding circumstances around,
because circumstances will change.
but deep down in our hearts,
we should know we can confide and support one another in Christ.

dis i think,
is a sane enough benchmark,
to know if God is approving of a r/s.
if its wrong, pls pls correct me..

i'm blogging dis,
in response to a friend's dilemma.
and i hope it speaks to any of you,
who were or are in a dilemma as well.

gangstaLOVE.

today i'm in sucha mood to blog.

i chanced upon dis article in the papers,
abt dis man, Al Capones.
he was allegedly the most notorious gangster
in the 20's to 30's.

he was also alleged as
the man behind the 1929 Valentine's Day Massacre.
in which his henchmen pulled out machine guns
from their violin cases.

Capones always had a knick in music.
as it was stated in the papers,
"Capone could read music and liked to play a banjo and
a mandola, which is like a mandolin, only bigger."

but the song that he wrote,
'Madonna Mia', the hit single after 70 years.
was written behind the bars
for his wife who stuck by him, Mae.

for a deeper read, here:
http://www.straitstimes.com/Breaking+News/Lifestyle/Story/STIStory_364785.html

i've always admired ladies of dis tenacity.
against all odds,
she'd stay by his side
and hold on tight to the r/s.

how rare is it nowadays.
i can almost imagine pple telling me,
"pls la des, wake up.."
you know who you are!

another one that came to my mind was
a scene in prison break.
when a friend of scofield asked him,
"what kinda girl do you fancy?"

and he peered into his eyes,
thought abit and replied wif such sincerity
and i'd say a whole load of honesty amidst the running.
if i recall correctly, he said.

"a girl who can look you in the eyes
and see the good behind all the bad."

how many people are willing
or even patient enough to look beyond these days?
something he/she does that turns him/her off,
time to move on.

what actually stays?
is it all abt what suits US the best now?
hmm.
where art thou, juliet?

blues.

today is friday right?
why am i feeling monday blues?

april17.

Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will reveive whatever you ask for in prayer."

Matthew 21:21-22 NIV

"If you embrace this kingdom life and don't doubt God, you'll not only do minor feats like I did to the fig tree, but also triumph over huge obstacles. This mountain, for instance, you'll tell, 'Go jump in the lake,' and it will jump. Absolutely everything, ranging from small to large, as you make it a part of your believing prayer, gets included as you lay hold of God."

Matthew 21:21-22 MSG

a friend asked me ytd,
"why do you still hold on to something,
that causes you so much hurt?"
dis familiar question, i've considered before..

i guess in life,
there're just some things that makes perfect sense to you,
but not to your friends.
coz of the word, 'reality'.

in the abovementioned,
i noted that it is the same situation as well.
who in the right mind in dis day and age,
would ask the mountain to move, and wait in expectancy?

these pple would normally be classified,
'siaokia', 'sor-zai', 'gila', 'stubborn mule'.
now what is the problem here,
science, fact, reality supercedes belief, hope.

maybe because of our affluence these days,
moving mountains ain't exactly the most convincing example.
what abt something more 'realistic'.
i'm sure we've heard of many success stories..

how miracles happened from the biblical age to present day.
how the 'mountain' was moved,
in dis case of a blind man receiving sight,
is it not apt to consider the blindness as his 'mountain'?

how broken families are restored.
lack of harmony and understanding
was their mountain.
and again, with hope and belief, they overcame.

so are there really anything impossible?
the cliche answer of all time would be,
'if you believe, nothing is too big for God.'
but do ourselves really believe it in the first place?

and so back to my friend's qn,
that kept me up all night.
i was debating within myself,
weighing the reality and somewhat hopeless belief.

i was so objective dis time that i even pondered,
'am i trying to prove anything to myself?'
dis is one time where i laid down
emotions, logics, objectives, subjectives.

after thinking for a long long time,
if i was wearing sticky suit
and lying on a bed of cash,
i'd be a millionaire by then..

i found out and concluded my 'reason'
for my stubborness.
it boils down to love.
and what love is to me..

i've long ago given up on the fact that,
love needs to be reciprocated.
i've also been thru and learnt that
love is not self-seeking.

one of the hardest lesson,
at the same time,
one of the most important lesson
of unconditional love.

and i've also concluded that,
the moment you put yourself in the picture,
that love cannot be unconditional.
because that thought itself is already self-seeking.

and i thought i could stick wif my immediate response
to the question posed to me.
for the record, i replied
'i didn't hold on for benefits of love, eg. happiness'

Jesus was chosen to die for us.
and i'm sure Jesus wasn't exactly happy in human sense!
in fact, He did pray for the cup to be taken from Him,
but out of love and obedience, submitted to His calling..

and God, being a gracious God
allowed 'happiness' and 'goodness' from the 'ordeal',
which is eternal salvation
for whoever buys the cross.

likewise, i know and i will continue to believe
that God put me in dis 'ordeal',
He'll see me through it.
and the 'happiness' and 'goodness' will follow eventually.

to God be the glory.

thetruth.

Jesus did not just say
He loved us.
Jesus did not try to convince His love for us
He died for us.

many times we talk too much.
so much that it no longer means as much.
even though it still means the same,
it just seem superficial coz of the frequency.

love.
easy to spell, easy to say.
to what extent would your actions go?
as far as your words?

promise.

i promised that i will, i will.

notgoodenough.

how many more eggs can i take in my face?

self-jacked.

those who know me long enough,
or well enough, would know.
that desmond is a guy who needs consistency.
that desmond is always looking to 'sustain'..

you got me.
i am a tenacious spider
when it comes to perseverance.
i think its in me..

and whenever it comes to friendships,
whenever it comes to relationships.
i'll do whatever it takes
to keep it 'alive'.

more often than not,
the harder i hold on to it,
the more i lose.
i'll not go into that further.

so anyways,
as i was lying down on my bed last night.
the last few moments were spent praying,
and i found it so hard to focus!

haf you ever felt 'status-quo'?
where you're just tired of friendships?
where you're tired of talking or texting?
where you just wanna.. stay away?

i had that feeling last night.
and it makes me sad..
being the self-proclaimed ambassador of tenacity,
i lost it.

almost immediately, i psyched myself up
knowing that dis r/s wif God is not of dis world.
it should and shall not be bound by emotions,
nor controlled or determined by it..

and for the record,
i just finished 6 episodes of prison break.
whenever i closed my eyes,
images of the characters just dramatized.

i was very very disturbed by it,
its almost like porn.
you know what i'm saying?
its so.. tainted.

maybe because i know what a r/s wif God felt like,
and last night was nowhere like it.
i got so disgusted wif myself,
i slept, in regret.

for that, i hereby confirm,
that desmond hoo, shall abstain from prison break
with immediate effect.
and it shall be final and binding.

i've to say,
it is a discipline to maintain something so pure.
and if anything should block your sight of God,
be it movies, tv, computer, distracting friends.

remove it.

wif wisdom, the Holy Spirit discerns.
there will always be tuggings in your heart,
should it be guilty conscience or emotional distraught.
its up to you, to heed it.

pauline told me not too long ago,
God will not remove your heart's desire.
it is not God's fault to allow that desire,
it is your jurisdiction to honour God wif it.

we're human beings.
our favourite statement of case is
"but we're humans, its natural.."
think again.

do we honour God wif the choices we make?
i think the question shouldn't be
"why allow desires when we're not allowed it?"
but "how do i honour You wif these desires?"

everything happens for a reason,
but not everything happens our way.
is it only right,
for our reason to be honouring God?

for we always sing,
He deserves all praise and glory.
now its time,
to practice what we preach or sing..

iknow.

and because You live,
i can face tmr.
because You live,
all my fears are gone.

and because i know,
i know You hold my future.
dis life is worth living,
just because You live.

You know i have my heart's desire.
i know those are carnal.
i know i will surrender to You,
but You've gotta teach me how..

i know You won't take these desires away,
because there's something You wanna say.
wif or without the desires,
i will, and i mean i will, honour You in my ways.

exoneration.

i completed season 2 of prison break!
2 weeks, 2 seasons.
aight, i know i may seem a lil addicted.
but i'm still sane alright?

anyways, after watching 2 seasons of it,
i did learn something la.
and it only dawned upon me
at the last episode of season 2!

those 8 fellas who escaped from prison,
had different reasons and 'needs' for the escape.
some for money, some revenge,
some for family and some for innocence.

let me delve into the notorious pair,
michael scofield and lincoln burrows.
they're brothers and they escaped
for their innocence..

for 2 whole seasons,
they were just running and running.
to a point where nearing the midpoint of season 2,
i got a lil frustrated and tired of seeing them run!

not that it was boring,
but i tried to put myself in their shoes.
aren't they ever tired of running?
living in constant fear and making narrow escapes each time.

until the last episode of season 2,
lincoln burrows, the brother who was on death roll
was exonerated of his sentence
and is a free man in the eyes of law.

i literally felt relieved for him man.
the feeling of being free..
i can identify wif him,
maybe coz i've been in that situation before.

anyways, aside from that.
it just made me realise how important
or liberating, being free is..
really.

and so many times,
almost uncountable even.
that we took our salvation for granted.
we took the bloodied cross so lightly..

some didn't even believe in the cross.
some believed but unconvinced.
some were convinced but weren't convicted.
and some were deeply grateful..

God didn't hafta set us free.
He can always restart the whole earth,
and create a new world of His own.
not having the need to be heartbroken by us ingrates.

when i was a young christian,
i've to admit i was unfazed by Jesus' death.
to me, my mentality was
"God can always create another Jesus."

and den subsequently,
i just had the idea that it wasn't all true.
i tried to think of myself as a dad,
wif an only child.

i too can 'make' as many kids as i want to.
anybody can make as many kids as they want to.
but why the sob-affair when their kid pass on?
even if it was of a young age.

feelings, emotional attachments.
these are the heart-strings that are formed
at the minute of the birth.
it need not take a few yrs for you to love your child..

likewise, Jesus was God's ONLY begotten Son.
He too loved Jesus alot.
but He gave Him up,
for us, the self-righteous ingrates.

to be able to set free,
first we must believe that God loves us.
and love is really something that cannot be explained,
but only proved.

and the best part is,
we need not be living in constant fear
of when is death gonna come?
we need not fear when we're gonna be caught by the Hades.

coz God has exonerated us.
that is the beauty of being set free..
we're free men now,
because our Father, the King has given us royal pardon.

going back to prison break.
at the end of season 2,
i thought "finally, can live their own lives alr."
den SUDDENLY, i realised.

there're seasons 3 and 4!
den JUST THEN!
they're persecuted by the 'undergrounds'.
who wants them dead.

so now they're running not for their innocence,
but their lives.
and speaking abt that,
i'm going watch season 3 now!!

answers.

i was praying,
so hard.
i was seeking,
so hard.

in dis 2 paragraphs,
He lifted my head.
in dis 2 paragraphs,
He tells me, "I'm still with you."

There is a wonderful picture in the Old Testament book of Malachi. Malachi says that God sits as a refiner and purifier of silver (Malachi 3:2b-3). He puts the silver in the firing pot and builds a hot fire under it. As the silver melts, the dross begins to float to the surface. The silversmith sits and skims it off, throwing away the dross as it arises. From time to time he bends over and looks into the pot. What is he looking for? The reflection of his own image. When he can see his likeness in the silver, he knows that it is pure.

Does that not explain something about life to us? This is what God is doing with us. Why do we go through these crushing disappointments, these wrenching heartaches, these hard trials, these pressures, these tribulations, these temptations, these times of failure as well as times of joy, blessing, glory, and ecstasy in the Lord? What is He doing to us? He is refining the silver until He can see His likeness again.

petition.

Lord, today i humbly ask for these 3.

1. purify my heart.
2. renew my mind.
3. strengthen my soul.

with these i ask,
with these i commit,
with these i praise thee,
with these i love and honour thee.

GENUINEfaith.

"These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

- 1 Peter 1:7

how do we tell a pure gold
from an impure?
i guess it is pretty simple,
pure gold can nvr be a solid..

recently, i'd been thinking
how do i become pure?
what it means to be pure,
and to remain pure..

it is often a challenge,
as emotional beings.
we get a lil something of what we want,
we get distracted.

and when we don't get what we want,
we blame the Person who got us here.
reminds me of the israelites whom God brought out of Egypt.
how do we really remain pure?

before we jump right into 'purity',
do we really know who our Refiner is?
or do we think we're being refined,
just because it is painful to bear?

Peter told us in the abovementioned verse,
that until our faith is proved genuine,
we will not be able to give Him praise,
glory and honour, and He won't be revealed in our lives!

the verse just before 1 Peter 1:7 said,
"in this you greatly rejoice,
though now for a little while you may have had
to suffer grief in all kinds of trials"

trials are allowed in our lives,
to bring us to a new level of trust and experience
wif God.
each and every one of them is planned by Him!

a relationship wif God will be accompanied
wif experiences of our own, not others.
if we don't even haf the experiences to recount on,
our relationship is not one of communication, but knowledge.

do i rejoice only because things seem brighter now?
do i keep my peace when things are bleak?
Peter reiterated dis time and again,
rejoice in ALL kinds of trials..

if we fix our eyes on the true Refiner,
we will trust in Him at all cost.
coz our lives are all in His hands.
who is your refiner? God, or your heart and emotions?

discipline.

as i chauffeured my bro
to tuition.
under the merciless rain
in the eastern part of singapore.

the familiar joy on his chiseled face,
turned unfamiliar to me today.
the downward sloping eyes,
further carried his downcast spirit southwards.

as his elder brother,
i know when my baby brother is up to something.
and i too do know,
when he's really sad and dreadful from within..

he dreads tuition so much.
on a beautiful saturday afternoon,
took a turn for its worse when it started pouring.
that didn't help alleviate his blues in any sense..

slipping his cold feet into his tiny pair of sandals,
the black and grey textile of his footwear
personifies his mood
to a certain degree or extent that his older brother might see.

to keep him dry,
bearing in mind that i could still bathe when i return.
i sheltered him in the puny red brolly,
hoping that might make things a lil better for him.

as i drove down the street,
took a right into the shelter and dropped him off.
meticulously told him the directions,
off he went.

maybe as a pre-diagnosed paranoia schizophrenic,
i thought it might be more relieving
if i pop by the 'torture chamber'
to see if my lil bro is there in a piece..

scaling that flight of stairs,
thinking.
"if his sandals are there,
there won't be a need for me to go in."

to my horror,
as i stood at the doorstep.
there were at least 5 pairs of the same kind
my brother owned!

it must be some kind of a fashion statement
for the millennium babies.
i took no chances and popped in personally,
peeped through the window.

"alas."
he was sitting there.
fiddling his 'bakugen' pencil case restlessly,
with a glum on his 9 yr-old facial contours.

it hurts me quite a bit,
having to see him go through dis 'ordeal'.
i know how it feels,
only because i've been through that before..

suddenly it spoke to me so soundly.
the hurts, the pains, the dreads.
my Father feels them all,
only because He'd been through that, only worse.

all these bad emotions we feel,
the rejection, the dejection, the procrastination.
it is painful for us,
but somehow i feel its more painful to watch your loved one.

as i peered through the window,
i saw the dread of the 9 yr-old.
my baby brother in there,
seemingly suffering.

i felt like i would almost go tuition in his place.
to let him be 'free' while i 'suffer' for him..
coz i think that might be easier
than to see him go through that all alone.

all these hurts i'm feeling,
i'm comforted that my Father feels.
all these pain that i thought i went through,
are mandatory and beneficial for His kingdom's cause.

for the longest time now,
even in times of darkness like dis.
i will hang in there in my Father's presence,
coz it's my only place of solace.

a dying man need not wealth nor delicacies.
what he needs to stay alive,
is mainly and purely hope.
once that is gone, the life support's gone too.

my hope in men is gone.
my hope in hope is gone.
now my only hope,
is the hope i haf in Jesus..

limits.

preparation can only take you dis far,
after that, you've to take a few leaps of faith.
experiences can only prepare you thus far,
after that, its all God's plan for you.

title.

quite a bit happened these 2 days.
made a couple of mental notes,
'i wanna blog abt dis.'
'i shall blog abt that.'

**WARNING**
long entry ahead.
bored readers, brace yourself!
picture readers, haf a nice day.

caught 'gran torino' last night..
it was an artistic film,
most pple wouldn't be able to appreciate it.
but i did..

the wry humour of an old man,
almost got nothing to lose wif his life anymore.
didn't know anything else
but anger, hatred, revenge and alcohol..

an old man seemingly waiting for his time to be up,
knew nothing abt life after death.
but ironically,
exemplifies what life means even breathing his last.

i'll not spoil the story here,
for those who're thinking of catching it.
if you're looking for gang fights and gore and graphics,
try 'shinjuku incident' instead of 'gran torino'.

that old man, walter.
asked the priest what he knows abt life and death..
challenging the priest if he knows anything else,
other than what's been taught in theological college.

that hit me a bit though..
always seem to know something,
yet i know deep down,
i know nothing.

in the movie,
it talks abt life and death and after death.
in my life,
love seems to be my forte.

but look at it dis way,
i blabber what i read elsewhere.
if i really knew what love is,
things would've been so different right now..

i don't know it all,
in fact, i'm the last person who can advise on love.
i'm learning,
and these, are just my experiences to share.

walter lived a life of bloodshed and hatred,
but he died, a man at peace he'd nvr felt before.
i talked too much abt love,
now, its time to practice what i preach.

wif that,
i assure changes.
and all these i say,
i say wif ache..

oh well.
anyways!
today, i saw a picture-perfect.
it was a beautiful sight..

a pair of jc couple,
walking into the rays of the glorious sunset.
the girl pushing her bicycle,
while the guy walked wif her at a polite distance..

somewhat i feel that was different,
different from what i see in our societies these days.
esp dudes his age,
wouldn't know what gentlemanliness is!

but i saw purity,
i saw respect.
and as i lip-read them,
they shared not just happenings at sch.

the stereotyped guy his age,
would usually carry his gf's bag.
pushing her bicycle on her behalf,
and the girl just rattle on abt her petty trangressions.

but in dis couple,
somehow i feel.
they will go a long way.
wif such admirable respect they haf for one another..

once, my friend told me
"i'm really quite amazed
at how much respect you give your friends"
but i guess that was in the past..

i'm into prison break these days!
gab failed to convince me to watch
hanamiki, or hanimaki, eh?
HANAKAMI!!

i really did try,
and my sister walked past my room saying,
"you got watch chinese shows one meh?
you surely cannot last more than one ep!"

hahhaha, err.
i watched for 10 mins!
really cannot la,
sorry gab..

then i went on to watch prison break.
yeah, i'm damn lag.
but better late than nvr right?
damn smart man, the show!

tmr prison break whole day!
crap, i realised i'm damn no life.
oh well,
at least my brain's still functioning?

what is a good company, and what is bad?
"time change, people change."
one of my friend reiterated dis quote to me over and over.
"pple change, but not much." by another common friend.

shinjuku incident really gave a brief but precise example.
wif ambition, pride, greed, revenge and power,
really changes so much.
so much that it may change our goals in life.

i don't know,
but i'm really getting a lil tired.
tired of friendship-liquidity,
tired of being sick and tired..

are there really nothing or no one constant?
am i just naive or stubborn?
or am i just a lil boy stranded on a bombay train platform,
wif the world spinning, and having no choice but to move along.

just dis entry alone,
there're changes in emotions.
changes in tone,
vacillating ideas and ideals..

did i just contradict myself?
i don't know.
all i know is dis,
there are tonnes on my mind now.

and each time i try to pick myself up,
each time i try to cheer up,
something pulls me like an anchor.
is dis how life is supposed to be?

but i really really thank God,
so much.
that there is dis 2000+ years old legacy,
that stood the test of time.

the Scripture that supercedes temporal f/s,
the Scripture that supercedes carnal love.
all i want is something constant in my life,
and i've found You, Jesus..

thank You Lord,
for loving me.
hide me now,
under Your wings..

wth.

who needs a girlfriend anymore!

isabel! now you can stand

AND sleep on the train already!!

gab, when i saw dis 'device'

i seriously thought of you!

i haf no idea what to comment on dis!

jessie? any plans?

april 1.

"I will send down showers in season; there will be showers of blessing."

ezekiel 34:26

how sweet this sounds.
when your life is in a mess,
thinking how any sense could be fathomed.
He comes by and say "come with Me.."

He promises showers of blessings,
He also said 'in season',
there is a time for everything,
and the time of blessing will come..

'there will be..'
He assures us.
if we could hang on long enough,
hanging on to our faith and nothing else!