naivity.

its been while over a year,
since i'm thrusted into the working sphere.
heard one too many complaints
about how the working world is shrewd..

i still rmb when i was in sch,
clad in school uniform.
used to be 5 1/2 day week for me.
teachers and parents quizzing me on what i wanna be.

the picture or impression i had of professions,
haf seemingly been tainted ever since i'm in the workforce.
or has it been that i was too naive,
when i was young.

had the teachers in sch been painting picture-perfects,
that when graduates go out to work,
they get a culture shock
and look upon a wishing star, hoping to go back to sch.

or had the working world been always dis 'dirty'?
always been waiting for the green horns to come in,
so that they can swallow them up,
to gain higher social standings..

i can't help but picture an imagery of hades.
where long time demons waiting at the gates of hell,
ready to pounce on the souls of the 'newly-dead',
so that they can suck in their souls to magnify their powers.

i was talking to one of my friends,
who really aspired to be a nurse.
she studied for it,
aiming to do well, so that she can serve the needy at her best.

its only been less than 6 mths,
that she's been into her 'ambition'
by now, the pure intention to help the needy
seem so muddy and foggy..

dragging her feet to work day after day,
barely had enough happiness to influence the patients.
the cause of dis dread is more than obvious,
what i'd term it as 'DEvouring MONSters'.

drained and sucked dry by her superiors,
and even colleagues of the same 'rank'.
backstabbing, malignation, gossips.
all these uncalled for blackholes..

it is funny how 'seasoned adults',
who'd been in the working world for a long time by now
survived dis ordeal.
maybe they'd learnt from the past, and now its their turn to pounce?

i rmb in the army,
when we just became sergeants,
the older batch of sergeants will throw everything to us,
we were like their offload-trolley in a long long time.

and my colleagues were telling me then,
"the next batch of sergeants come,
they're gonna get even more from me."
dis is like a vicious cycle, more vicious than each previous.

the worse part is,
unlike church setting, there is a mentor.
in dis case, you're nothing but their 'saviour'
who finally came and they can offload whatever they've on you!

and when you tell them of your 'grievances',
they'd capitalise on the opportunity to pile you wif more work,
and say, "so and so is not competent enough"
during any given board meeting.

so there you go,
off to pack your boxes and leave.
thinking to yourself,
what am i really here for..

schools should focus on work ethics,
as much as they focus on their specialisation, shouldn't it?
so what if you've great litigating skills, or operating skills,
when it comes to people management, its a different ball game!

its appalling and at the same time, sad.
to know that most of the time,
pple are tired of their jobs, not because of what they do,
but what others do to them!

ahh, disgusting.
i can't wait for my stint here to be over.
or maybe,
i might even be fired in no time! whatever.

hoax!

my dear friends who happily forwarded the sms,
that said S$49 worth of talktime will be offset
if you forward that sms to 10
IS A HOAX!

http://www.straitstimes.com/Breaking%2BNews/Singapore/Story/STIStory_409048.html

for those who haf free smses,
lucky you.
for those who don't haf free smses,
now you've gotta pray for 10 free smses!

departure.

how did the disciples feel
when Jesus was abt to leave.
and they virtually had no choice,
but to let His physical body depart?

Lord, teach me how to handle dis.
should there be any disagreements,
i pray you'll grant them wisdom to talk it out.
for it is You who are powerful and all-knowing..

somehow, dis feels so sour.
i can feel my gut seethe.
ahh, i'm gonna miss them!
its been my whole life i lived wif them..

tea.

as i was making tea dis morning,
probably the 370th time in the pantry.
i was reminded 'again', of stuffs..
the fundamentals of life in materials.

as i was stirring wif a plastic stirrer,
my left tugging the string of the lipton bag,
my right clipped the stirrer and swirl in style.
ripples and currents were formed effortlessly.

suddenly, the voice of pauline seeped into my mind.
"can you just let it settle? stir later."
dis was a flashback to a cafe, i forgot where.
she just couldn't stand the sight of me stirring.

at that instance, i figured.
many times in my life i stirred..
in an attempt to brew a perfect cuppa tea.
differed from medical brew, tea has to settle!

some times i think, the more i stir,
the more even the tea would be.
the more even the sugar will be diffused into.
again, that's what i think..

but today i'm reminded,
that sometimes, i really just gotta let it settle.
let nature take its course.
let the heat do the diffusing..

and i should only come in when it is 'too settled'.
i don't know if you guys had observed before.
that if you leave a cup of tea wif milk untouched,
a layer of 'dried skin' will be formed on the top..

likewise, if we let our circumstances 'settle' for too long,
and we refuse to 'stir' it,
it will seem perfect on the outside.
and when we start to stir again, it'll not be so smooth anymore.

though the skin 'cracks' and seemingly diffused into the torrents,
but we know the bits and pieces will nvr fit into place again.
that's what happens when we idle for too long,
when 'allowing' it to settle succumb to laziness!

are there any areas in my life where it seemed 'flawless'?
are there any areas in my life where it seemed untouched?
what is holding me back from stirring it?
am i afraid that the bits and pieces will resurface after stirring?

complacent?

my friend couldn't believe i failed.
he was in sucha disbelief,
that i almost hung up coz i'm tired of convincing him
that i really failed.

some of you know,
that i love to run.
i would run even if i don't haf ippt.
i just run as and when!

and when i failed,
i could almost hear a voice creeping in me.
"do you see it now?"
my complacency..

it reminds me of nothing else,
but my walk wif God.
and its a scary thought,
but i'm thankful its still not too late.

i won't be surprised if 'good and nice' pple
are denied entry to Heaven on Judgement Day.
it would be shocking,
but i won't be surprised.

i thought to myself,
i've ran so much.
even if i puke,
i could at least get a pass!

how many times, how many pple,
think by gaining entry to Heaven,
its abt hardwork and perseverance,
and even consistency?

but the Lord said so clearly,
we're justified by faith, not by works.
i'm not saying that we shouldn't run and train,
and just take 2.4 wif faith!

but because of dis epic failure,
it reminded me of my faith.
i won't deny,
there were so many times i chose to 'work' for salvation.

but think again,
would God tell me,
"i'm sorry, i don't know you.."
even after so much 'church work' i've done?

it drove home a point in my tired mind,
that its abt time i give up on works.
not that they're not good,
but it shouldn't take precedent in our lives!

i can be a good singer,
i can be a good actor,
i can devote so much so much time to church,
in the name of 'serving the Lord'.

but am i really serving the Lord?
or serving myself?
to get known in church,
to get recognized for my 'efforts' in church?

what my father said was right,
and it reminded me of 'real ministry'.
ministry doesn't start in 3rd world nations,
ministry doesn't start elsewhere but our homes.

and i'm almost proven a stumbling block!
like it or not, non-christians don't care what you do in church,
they care what you do outside church!
and i almost fell short.

because of dis failure,
i'm grateful that i can be woken up from my complacency.
both in running and in my walk wif my Father..
sometimes i really think i take Him for granted.

and its a good check within,
to re-align myself to Him.
it is very very easy to be complacent or lackadaisical,
but we've to remind each other of the cross!

are we too happy wif our lives?
are we too comfortable wif our lives?
are we too complacent in our walk?
are we taking His cross for granted?

oneHELLAVUsaturday.

today, i had many firsts.
today, i was judged by my actions at home.
today, i was in a dilemma.
today, i was awaken.

dis saturday, was supposed to be my busiest day.
i've nvr had back-to-back schedules on a saturday
for a long long time.
and today, i had it..

i figured that wif the amount of traveling,
i told my dad that i need the car,
so i'll be fetching him to and from work.
so my adventure starts at 750am..

driving to his workplace and back was a breeze.
bought breakfast for my family,
coz my mum was sick,
and i had to look after my siblings and my mum's welfare.

when i bought back for my family,
before even settling down to bathe and eat.
my mum said she needed to go to polyclinic
to get a referral letter to a hospital.

it was 9.45am, and i hafta be in church by 10,
for main service worship rehearsal.
so dilemma number 1.
should i task my cousin to send her, or i do it?

in the end, i did it.
coz i'm her son and i ought to be responsible.
so i fetched her there together wif my sister,
and i consequently reached church at 10.30.

note: our breakfast were untouched.

so off i left house,
and i hurried to church.
uncle ben's rehearsal was damn fast.
ended quite early.

so i thought i had some time to kill,
before fetching my dad back from work at 1.
and i rmbed, i had audition for
christmas outreach drama.

so i went up, and waited for my turn.
suddenly my dad called.
dad: where you?
des: in church.

dad: mummy hafta be warded, and you're in church?
now family got thing happened, you can still be in church.
you go and weigh the importance.
*hangs up*

note: i didn't know she had to be warded.

so dilemma number 2,
to stay for audition and task my cousin to fetch, or me?
again, i rescheduled my audition wif apologies.
and rushed off..

so i went back to the polyclinic,
got my family and hurried to the hosp.
on the way there, my mum asked if i could pick my dad first.
so i made a detour and i picked my dad.

once he got in the car,
he started nagging..
i felt so maligned inside,
but again, i kept quiet.

so we got to KK hospital,
and the nurse told us we should be at SGH instead.
so we made another detour,
and go to SGH.

after an argument wif the male nurse,
i got my mum a bed to lie down,
coz she couldn't sit for too long.
and by then it was 2pm, not eaten yet.

so at 2.15pm, i left the hosp to meet my friend.
we had our ippt scheduled at 4pm.
was contemplating to push it to another date,
or to just get it over and done wif.

i chose the latter.
and off i went on public transport to tamp.
decided to eat something light before the test.
so we had double fillet-o-fish meal.

den we went to bedok camp,
my friend was denied.
coz he booked the test for 18th july instead of 25th.
so i had to take the test alone.

my static stations were done in a jiffy.
and i was elated when i managed
to jump a 225 for SBJ.
i was abt to claim my 200bucks after the run!

so here comes the 2.4km run.
i ran and ran..
at the 4th round, i was feeling queasy.
and i puked on the field..

the medic was ready to run over to me,
but i signaled that i was fine.
so after puking for abt 20 secs,
i resumed my run, thinking i can still make it.

at the end of 6 rounds,
my timing was 12:22.
i was in a state of shock and uneasiness.
dis is the first time i failed my napfa/ippt in my life.

as i was cabbing home after the test,
it taught me 2 lessons,
which i will blog in another entry.
painful yet essential lessons.

and so i cabbed home and i had to change.
coz i was supposed to go Hillsong concert..
dilemma no.3,
hillsong concert, or go see my mum?

when i came back,
my cousins were abt to leave.
and they asked me if i'm going.
i told them i don't know yet, they all go first.

and my cousin said,
"wth, your mother in hosp. and you not going?"
den i stared at him and said,
when she was in need who was there? and where were you?

he kept quiet, knowing i wasn't in the best mood.
but dis time, i couldn't keep it in anymore..
too many things happened today,
and i'm not even sure if i'm dramatic or my circumstances are.

and so as i was waiting for my friend to come pick me up,
i decided to go see my mum.
coz i thought,
worship is lifestyle, not concert.

so i apologised to my friend who was 3mins away from my house,
and i went down to the hosp.
wheni got there,
i was glad i went. coz i know my family was pleased that i'm there.

and now, i'm back here posting a very matter-of-fact entry.
not much cool english.
just me, my disappointments, my fatigue.
i'm drained..

Lord, i know. i know..

run.

i feel like running.
i feel like i need to run.
i think i need to run.
i think i should run.
i should run.
i must run.
i will run.
aight, i shall run.

wif all these in mind,
its better to sweat it out.
coz by trying to make things better,
just proves the other way around.

desmond, just get out,
get lost, before you get lost.

sown.

2 days in a row,
what God seem to wanna tell me thru pple.
"die, before you can prosper."
so loud, so clearly..

i just spent the last 3 mins reflecting,
what is it that i hadn't died to myself.
within the first min,
the thing that hurts me most, is what i've held on.

its been so tiring,
so tiring to be me.
and i thank God for speaking to me,
that despite the tonnes of work, i heard.

and now, i should be done asking God for signs.
its abt time to decide and abide..
and for dis, i'm gonna try.
i'll let go, and let God.

its gonna be tough,
but i'll still grit my teeth and pry open my tight-gripped hands.
coz if i don't let go,
one day i know, it'll just consume me alive.

Lord, here i am.
here are my clenched fist.
i'm willing to open and let go,
will You help me, please?

relativity.

ytd, inter alia, we watched a video sermon
titled 'indescribable', at kent's.
we were rushing and i was clearly preoccupied..
but its amazing how my mind retained the info and recap!

after our 'pilgrimage' to the sports hall,
as we were walking to central for dinner.
flashbacks of the sermon just flooded my mind..
and its amazing, how completely it pieced together!

the sermon wasn't typically abt love,
though the whole 'speech' encompasses God's love for us.
but the thought that i held tight to my heart,
was 'how small was i really am.'

now, don't misunderstand that i'm thinking negative again!
i'm not talking abt how useless i am or how pathetic i am,
but how small mankind, earth is in the vast galazy God made..
that gave me an awful lot of comfort.

many a times, we tend to heap responsibilities on ourselves.
when we screw up, our 'world' seem to crumble,
when we are disappointed, we think God doesn't care.
but is it really?

one of the part where the preacher said dis,
looking at planet earth from 'outside',
we can barely see africa and the sahara desert.
can we see poverty? can we see pain? can we see skyscrapers?

in the vast universe, the earth suspends in nowhere.
who are we? if we're so small,
why did God even pay attention to our small petty screams?
why did God feel so much hurt when these underlings disobey Him?

that proved a point to me.
from then, i'm done proving myself to others.
all these 'achievements' or 'accolades' or 'appointments',
are nothing, but simply titles to help us stay motivated.

what really mattered so much,
that God created us, though small yet impt?
is our r/s wif Him.
coz wif that r/s, we're able to spend the rest of our time wif Him.

dis small lil blue capsule in the outer space,
is just a holding area, or training facility for us.
to prepare us for something that is more real,
something that is of more value and truth..

dis morning i woke up,
feeling rather dejected and disappointed.
but i kept dis thought in my head,
that all these pains and hurts are temporal.

for what is to come will come,
and it will come really soon.
i just hafta hang on tight to Him,
and i'll be fine.

knowing how small i really am,
and knowing that,
despite my size, God still loves me.
that comforts me so much so much..

so what if i don't haf what i want?
so what if i don't do as well as others?
so what if i don't sing as well as others?
so what!

i know that God looks beyond all these,
and i am convinced for the first time,
that God looks beyond our earth.
He looks at our r/s wif Him..

coz our achievements can be measured.
our disappointments and joys can be measured.
but our r/s cannot be measured..
and that is what God intended it to be, immeasurable.

Dear God, i thank You for loving me.
i thank You for paying attention to me
despite me being so small in relative to all of Your creation.
Lord, i wanna live my life for You! i really want to!

desert.

dis song was introduced to me last week.
the words didn't quite speak to me,
until today.
when i sat still before the Lord in a long long time.

the lady in the video was a testimony
a testimony of disappointment, anger, pain, lost.
emotions that i've been struggling with
for the longest time..

and not many of you know,
that pple in leadership,
really struggles doubly hard upon leadership.
it is not the 'show' that was hard, it was the lifestyle.

so many times dis yr,
i wanted to give up.
so many times dis yr,
i felt so maligned, so disappointed, so hurt.

so many times dis yr,
i just wished i could step away from leadership.
so many times dis yr,
i just wished i could go Home.

but so many times dis yr,
i've seen God's Hand holding mine.
so many times dis yr,
i've seen God's footprints, not mine.

so many times dis yr,
He encouraged me in times i didn't believe.
so many times dis yr,
He showed me who He really is.

all of my life, in every season
You are still God,
i haf a reason to sing,
i haf a reason to worship.

offering.

dis alabaster jar,
and all of me that's left.
i break it at Your feet, Lord.
though it's much less than You deserve.

give me a pair of clean hands,
and a heart of virtuous desires.
i long to serve You,
wif all of me..

for i know You deserve more than dis,
Lord, i want to give You my ALL.
may my humble offering to You,
be a pleasing sacrifice, my Lord..

diminutive.

after a day of run-downs,
by 5.30pm, i was alr torn in my heart.
battered in my spirit,
and downcast in my soul..

nothing seemed to be able to cheer me up,
as i gestate in my depressed mind,
i uttered a simple prayer.
"Lord, let Your will be done."

things my colleagues said just weighed me down,
more and more as i converse wif them.
out of which, one bit me in the bone!
i'd say, its no less that 'humiliation'..

and again, like the usual me,
i kept quiet..
continued wif my tasks and smiled along the way.
but deep down, i feel my gut seethe.

nonetheless, i went home
do my usuals and sat in front of my window.
wif the song set in mind,
i tried to put them together, but it was futile..

not long after,
my bro came back.
in his normal days, he would come up to me and exclaim,
"kor kor!"

but dis time round, he just popped his head into my corner,
and said in the most doleful mood,
"kor.."
the both of us knew that we've had a bad day.

after dinner, i just plopped onto my bed.
part ceiling-pondering, part watching tv..
and i heard the door creak,
my bro wade into the room and lied down beside me.

both of us were quiet for abt 30 secs,
and me, being the older one, initiated.
des: so.. why you so sad today?
joel: *pouts* nothing.

des: huh? den why you so emo?
joel: what is emo? not the red colour one right?
des: *laughs* no la! why you so sad, you can tell me..
joel: mummy say i cannot invite my friends for my bday tmr!

joel: only 2, mummy also say cannot.
des: maybe coz it will be quite late den your friends how to go home?
joel: but you can drive them home ma.
des: *looks at him*

joel: i can go wif you..
des: that's not the point!
both of us laughed, and that was it.
i was half-expecting him to ask him why i emo, but he didn't.

and den it dawned upon me,
how trivial my 'bad day' was to God
as how my bro's disappointment to me.
but i know i care, and likewise, God cares too..

and it also prod me out of my wallow,
that many times, amid our disappointments,
we fail to reconcile wif the fact that,
ALTHOUGH it may SEEM like God doesn't care, but He does.

dis lil conversation wif my never-seem-to-be-growing-up brother
reminded me of God's majesty in such regard.
afterall, these He knows are temporal..
and for that, i'll traipse on!

wishlist.

aight, let me straft away from deep posts for a while.
as i plan my next step in life,
i guess its prudent for me to list out things i need,
to set me off my journey!

as i'm planning to study communications at unisim
in the january 2010 intake,
there're a couple of things you guys might be able to help!
more help, more opportunities..

1. Nokia 6510 (my htc phone's a lil cranky now)
2. a part time job! (i've given my number to mediacorp casting.)
3. good stationery for excessive penning of essays and notes.
4. a good airfare deal for a short trip in dec before commencement of sch.
5. a template for a resignation letter..
6. favourite places conducive for mugging. (i'm a silence day person)

that's pretty much what i can think of now?

so if any of you haf any brilliant suggestions and sources,
please let me know!!
i'm so excited to go back to sch,
at the same time, worried for my expenses!

difference.

i didn't know the difference until i started working here!
the difference between 'advise' and 'advice'..

can you pls advise me on dis?

oh, thank you for your advice!

heh! i'm such a genius.
i figured dis on my own man!
hahhaha.
thank God for my job, in this regard..

i've yet to figure the difference btw,
presume and assume!
when i find out, i'll blog here k!
hickery dickery dock!

july10.

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done."

Philippians 4:6

i've always excited wif paul's writing style.
the short lines, simple words,
but tossed in a profound truth,
that only can be construed correctly in context.

in our times, i've heard so many times,
pple say, "don't worry la, just pray."
and so many times that the phrase found itself
in the 'top 10 most cliche things christians say'.

but why is it that when paul says dis,
we won't find it cliche.
for me, it is cliche when pple scrape the general
wif insufficient substance and depth to delve into.

let's take the above as an example.
it is cliche when you share stuff wif your friend,
and he says, "don't worry la. pray lor.."
almost immediately, i'd know its pointless sharing wif him.

coz he knows the ten-year series answers,
but lacks the communication and sincerity to encourage.
its amazing how similar words can mean different things
when the body language speaks otherwise..

when the person said "don't worry la, pray lor.."
more likely than not,
he doesn't even know what to pray for if he were you,
but he knows that prayer's a must.

there's no way he could tell you specifically what to pray for,
and how to go abt praying..
out of convenience, he shoves the tys ans to you,
in hope to move on and talk abt other light-hearted stuffs.

but what is different abt paul's 'advice'?
he was specific.
he knew what the philippians were struggling against,
even though he was away from them, he could discern.

he brilliantly used 2 words of opposite poles to sum it up.
don't worry abt anything,
but pray abt everything.
even if you don't know specifically, just pray abt everything.

and he knows full well,
that when we're worried or troubled.
we won't need to be prompted in what to pray for,
it naturally surfaces to the frontal of our brain!

that is also one reason why we struggle so hard,
to give thanks first in our prayers when we're worried.
coz the most pressing item is not thanksgiving,
but our immediate worry..

and then paul further reiterates on the practicality of prayer.
he goes on to saying how or what we should pray in worry.
tell God what you need,
and thank Him for all He has done.

see? such great understanding he encompasses.
he nvr discounts the fact that a worried man has needs,
but he reminded us,
to give thanks at the end of it too!

so i wanna urge you, friends.
should anybody shares their struggles wif you.
time to shelf the tys ans.
understand where they're coming from!

even if you don't know what to say,
or nothing substantive to 'support'.
the last thing you can/should do,
is to tell them the general heartless advices..

BENCHEDmark.

is dis another reminder,
that i'm just not that calibre?
maybe i won't even make that much
in dis lifetime of mine..

i'll live the life,
that's given to me.
someday, only maybe,
i'll meet the mark..

more than likely than not,
it'll nvr come to past.
oh well,
i guess i should snap back to reality.

separate.

when you feel lonely,
know that you're not alone.
that's the reason why your heart and brain
are separated.

it is to edify each other,
and not contradict.
but if it contradicts,
the heart should give in to the brain..

that is why the brain is placed in the head,
and the heart is locked in the ribs.
if the body was a hierachy,
the head would supercede the body.

but for the sake of freewill and unity,
the brain shall not be in supreme power.
for a brain is useless without the heart..
and the heart can still pump even if the brain's dead.

Lord, help me to be objective.

prepared?

just a pretext,
the NSF who died in seletar camp last fri,
was dickson's close friend.
it was his batch mate..

it was the first time i seen him so sad.
i couldn't think of any other words,
but the simple old school, sad..
i kinda feel for him.

dis morning, when i went over to take clothes,
he suddenly sat up on the sofa.
den i realised, he spent the night at the sofa
wif his handphone clutched in his palm.

des: is nicholas your friend?
dson: ya.
des: batch mate?
dson: ya.

des: you all v close ar?
dson: mmm.
des: when's the wake?
dson: tues.

des: so what happened man?
dson: don't know.
des: they nvr update you all meh?
dson: nvr.

that was it.
he spoke barely 10 words..
and of coz, i didn't probe further.
he went to bathe, i went back home too.

when i went over to take clothes again,
i heard him sobbing.
it was painful to hear him sob man.
he'd nvr cried in front of me before, ever since we left sec sch.

dis was understandable,
coz it was a sudden death.
but it just got me thinking,
will we ever be prepared for someone's passing?

my uncle who had final stage cancer,
was left dying in a terminal ward sometime back.
all of us were expecting him to pass away.
he shrivelled to a child's size by the time he left.

my aunty told us that she's prepared too.
she knew the end will come soon..
but when he died,
my aunty couldn't believe it was that soon.

when she thought she was all prepared,
when the time come,
we knew she just wouldn't be prepared enough.
and true enough, she wasn't.

michael jackson too was advised by his aides and friends.
eversince he was dating his first girlfriend in stardom,
they were telling him that he's gotta stop his lifestyle.
it'll just consume him till he dies!

and true enough, he died from it.
dying at the weight of 50.8kg,
wif an empty stomach filled wif only pills and water.
did his friends expect dis sooner or later?

i guess they knew it was inevitable,
but not dis soon.
still, legions of fans wept.
he was easily the world's most famous celebrity!

even my brother knew who was he.
but nobody could believe dis 'shocking' piece of news,
even though the world knew his eccentric lifestyle,
and his obsession for perfection.

so will we ever be prepared for death?
somehow, i think we'd be more prepared to die,
than to receive news of death.
isn't it?

intuition.

i can smell the rain.
something's not brewing right..

aspirations.

its an inevitable thing to haf dreams and aspirations.
when we were young,
our parents and teachers seemed to be in cahoots
on urging kids to dream big, aim far..

when we were young,
just barely tapping into our faculty of knowledge
and faculty of memory-retention.
our dean of brain seems to be reporting for work early..

we were happy pple,
thinking we can rule the world wif our aspirations!
that is why we can't wait to grow up,
to be 'eligible' to live out our dreams and conquer dragons.

but as time goes by, and it usually starts around age 10.
when in the past, banding the kids to different streams.
inadvertently etching an invisible yet real label on their backs,
seemingly telling them that they're only dis good.

and that's when our dreams get further away.
sometimes the dreams are there to motivate us,
most of the time, its just there to haunt us.
at least the latter's for me..

just to share, i had a couple of childhood ambitions.
namely a lawyer, and an actor.
but the former was long abandoned,
coz i was in EM2, apparently not that bright..

so i thought to myself,
there goes my chance of being a lawyer.
it is ONLY a dream that i can see
off the television shows or newspapers..

and den suddenly, ever since i joined my current firm.
the dream jumped back alive in my dead heart..
suddenly, being a lawyer isn't that big a deal.
i decided to pounce on that dream and forge ahead.

and den, you guys know the story.
little desmond fell back on the floor,
thinking, "told you that you're not bright enough?"
its back to square one.

so i guess, my next dream to be shattered
would be to become an actor i guess?
i won't be surprised that i'll find myself in a media firm,
getting all in the "you're not qualified.." saga over again.

but don't worry guys, i'm not discouraged.
although there're frequent bouts of
"what on earth am i here for.."
and i'll be scooped up from my self-pity.

its becoming a cycle that i wouldn't call it vicious.
i think it just prepares me to be less hopeful in worldly dreams,
and be more hopeful in the eternal reality.
honestly, i really can't wait to get Home..

i do haf a success story though.
i rmb when i was 19,
while everybody should be diligent in their studies,
i chose to 'excel' in my driving lessons and tests!

i passed all my theories on the first attempt,
and i thought that was a pretty good start.
at least i'm good at something huh.
but not for long..

when i had my first few driving lessons on the road,
the thought that came to my mind was
"i don't think driving's for me.."
i just get railed at time and again during lessons!

there were a few occasions where i really dreaded lessons,
but only because i wanted to get over and done wif.
the test experiences weren't at all rosy.
i only passed on 2nd try..

and look at me,
no major accidents for 4 yrs now.
other than a few bumps on the bumpers.
bumpers are meant to be bumped right?

no scratches, no deaths, no injuries.
i'm quite proud to say that i'm a trusted driver!
to haf pple sleeping in my car rides
speaks alot, don't they?

so my friends who're discouraged,
thinking that your dreams had been smashed
because you're not good enough in the eyes of the world,
take heart and press on!

the learning and rejections are nvr meant to be easy,
coz if they're easy,
more likely than not,
its not a lesson, but a recess time.

so struggles are good,
difficulties and discouragements are good.
but nvr let them get the better of you,
you should in turn be in control of them!

i'll keep you in prayer, folks.
coz aloud or not,
we all know we all struggle wif these discouragements alot.
and i know what i'm saying when i said 'alot'.

neh you go!

ytd, as i was wif a close friend of mine,
the both of us were talking and suddenly,
it just struck me of a phenomenon,
that is specially tailored only in this cute homeland, singapore.

the word 'neh', is used even more often than
any other word or slang you can conceive..
and only in dis multi-racial community,
we've used 'neh' so much in a vast variant!

these are just some examples i came across..

a: eh, where's the thing ar?
b: neh.. (a slang for lazy-tongued 'there')

a: sian, i failed my paper..
b: neh mind la, try again lor. (a slang for 'nevermind')

a: now like lesser mamashops around ar?
b: yeah, the ah nehs are venturing into other businesses alr.
(a term used for a certain race)

the word 'neh' is also used throughout the generations.
when we were young,
we play catch, or when we wanna taunt somebody.
"neh ni neh ni poo poo!"

we also used the words 'neh neh' as a pet name
for the mammary glands of homosapiens.
and we even haf a term to be more precise!
just add 'pok' at the end of it..

sometimes, we use it to 'scold' somebody in affection.
you neh neh!
i even came across it in a name that pple coined for her.
'hanneh' (for the name, hannah)

i thought english was really amazing.
now, look at singlish..
i think we really ownage.
seriously!

okay, the last 2 lines in the above paragraph
wouldn't make any sense at all to westerner.
though they're english words,
but they don't exactly mean anything in its context!