wishfulthinking.

i wished i could tell you more.
i wished i could tell you that everyday.
i wished tonight can go on a while longer.
i wished i'm allowed more wishes.

masquerade.

i guess,
the only thing i can/should do now
is smile and clown around.
at least i look alright.

forsomanytimes.

it hurts so bad..
but i can't say it.
maybe coz i'm not saying it,
that's why it hurts so bad.

but then again,
who am i to want what i want?
when i want what i want,
its either illegitimate or farfetched.

desmond, wake up.
desmond, face up.
desmond, swallow them down.
desmond, back down.

multiracial.

as i was in the train to work today,
i heard dis ORD-ed guy talking another.
and he said dis sentence which amused me for a while.
"they confirm tekan them until hen jialat one sia."

in that short statement,
there're actually 3 languages and 1 dialect!
if singapore was working towards racial harmony,
PAP, you've scored an A!

english - they, confirm, them, until
mandarin - hen, de
malay - tekan, sia
hokkien - jialat

the beauty of singlish..

and another classic case of hybrid,
inspired by ms ruth foo!
but hers only has english and mandarin,
let's see.

"dad, ni de credit card is with me."
"dad, ni later yao bu yao chi lunch."

in her case, its not so much of deliberate harmony.
neither was she trying to be funny.
it JUST happened that her mandarin is err,
hmm..

sweets.

one good thing abt my HTC phone,
is that i can keep sweets in it.
i've got a box,
and it contains 44 of them.

the sweets can't really expire,
and its really sweet!
it has to be,
coz i handpicked them.

but i really thank God for the sweets that i've 'saved'.
so that in bitter times like now,
when i'm really in need of a touch of encouragement.
i've the sweets to keep me going..

it may not mean as much to the sweet-shop owner,
but i still thank God that the owner was generous.
recently, the owner had been unwell
and the shop was closed for a while.

i do hope,
that the owner will recover soon.
and she can give me more sweets!
or maybe that won't even happen..

but in any case,
i do have 44 of them.
and i know it can last me for as long as i need them.
as long as i don't rush into eating them!

i wonder how is the owner now,
but i'll continue to intercede for her.
pray that the Lord may heal her,
and that she'll be happy again.

even if i cannot be the one giving her 'HAHA's.
i know the Lord can.
and even if the Lord cannot physically give her those.
i know He'll send someone else to give her on behalf of Him.

how've you been?
i'm sure you'll be fine.
coz i prayed,
and i know the Lord answers prayers!

sweetdream.

i managed to slp 7hrs ytd.
and immediately,
i had a dream.
a very sweet dream.

i dreamt that i woke up from dis nightmare.
all along,
i've considered dis phase of my life,
as a nightmare.

and in the dream,
i dreamt that i woke up from it.
that dis phase of my life was just a dream.
a bad dream.

in my dream,
i rmb waking up to receiving smses.
and i was so happy,
and refreshed that i'm ready to kick start my life again.

but when my real alarm rang dis morning,
i saw my phone and realised it was just a dream.
no smses.
i woke up to my nightmare again.

grown up.

ytd i saw my band.
from the audience viewpoint..
looking at each of them,
my heart just filled wif dis strange warmth.

i couldn't sing wholeheartedly.
but i admired God's guidance in their lives.
the way they play,
they way they worship..

i think i really love them man.
we've spent a considerably long period of time together.
zoo, lunch, rehearsals, etc.
more than just a band to me.

do i really bear to leave them?

reminiscence.

how do you make christmas trees grow faster?
throw the whole tree into the sea.

out of 3 christmas trees,
i'm still at the 1st.
coz i don't know how long more it'll last.
and i don't want it to be gone that fast..

wordofencouragement.

i was talking to one of my friend
a pretty long lost one just now.
and he typed dis on msn,
which really struck me.

"i'll rather lie on the bed for andrew,
so that he might lead his normal life."

it dawned upon me,
how much we love ourselves,
and how much we're willing
to give of ourselves.

many of you readers of dis blog,
are somewhat tired,
drained, lost and unmotivated.
including yours truly..

dis morning i had a letter of recommendation,
from one of the directors,
to aide me in my application to SMU.
and that was the only good thing that happened so far.

so wif that,
i felt so uplifted and encouraged.
that i feel compelled to uplift you guys,
my very respected friends.

so be blessed.

Chan Li Shern:
your life ain't meaningless and aimless man.
you've almost everything except a gf,
all you hafta do is really to love yourself more.

Daniel Zing:
you ain't alone in your sufferings and studies,
i'm here wif you, and i'm sure many others are too!
let's continue to press on and glorify Him!

Don Zhang:
i know you're tired with your studies and sports.
your commitments in church.
but bro, hang in there.
you haf me to support you in any ways you need yah?

Pauline Low:
you've been dis pillar of spiritual support in my life.
you've been there in almost every of my downturn,
and i appreciate you for that, p!

Jacinta Chua:
you've your whole life ahead of you..
be wise in your actions and learn to love yourself!
you've been a great great listening ear and friend.

Charmaine Lee:
your commitment in your responsibilties really showed me,
what professionalism and perseverance are abt.
you're always willing to avail yourself to help others!

Gabriel Wang:
hey bro, you're not alone struggling wif heart-issues.
if you need an outlet, even if its 4am.
my hp is always on and i'll be there to hear you out!

Wong Mayteng:
your perseverance and patience in a r/s,
really inspired me to wait for the one who's worth it.
your selfless love is commendable my friend!

Joanna Lam:
you've been working so hard!
and i know you're very capable.
if you ever feel alone, you can call me for dinner yah?

Jermaine Tan:
you've been a subtle joy in my sad life, jerm.
your humour and your light-hearted blog
really cheers me up! thank you for being a source of joy!

Ruth Foo:
pootsie, you've been slogging so so hard for your exams.
and i know you're able to do well.
you've been great too, ruth!

Angel Lee:
beyond studies, you've taught me so much abt character.
far beyond words and numerical measures.
thank you, Angel for being such a strong pillar of support to me.

Jessie Ng:
when it comes to emotions,
you're the first person i think of, Jessie!
your gentleness really encourages me a great deal.

Chua Weiming:
bro, i've seen you grow so much so much.
i see tremendous qualities in you and i pray that
the Army will define your character and you'll be edified!

Caleb Khoo:
you've done exceedingly well in your new chapter in life!
your enthusiasm and humour really encourages me so much!
you've been sucha blessing, caleb, and you know it..

Teo Furong:
your subtle silence and support for me had been awesome.
you're always quick to listen and slow to speak.
spur on in your studies and i know you can make it to uni for sure!


if i miss you out,
please don't be upset wif me.
i might not be able to rmb all off-hand.
but you do know that you matter to me.

really, if given a chance.
i'd exchange my position for andrew.
he'd such beaming prospect ahead of him!
he'd gf and career and everything else.

Andrew Tham:
you were my support and adviser.
you were my inspiration and best friend.
i miss you, i got so much to tell you..

hmm.

why do i feel like
i'm planning dis alone?
i'm not as busy as the rest?
oh well, as usual.

SAT.

i know what does SAT means alr!
Scholastic Ability Test!
wah, means ar..
if i do well, i'm a scholar!
hmm, not bad huh?

november13.

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers - most of which are never even seen - don't you think He'll attend to you, take pride in you, do His best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving."

Matthew 6:30-31

Lord, i've sinned against You.
Lord, i've sinned against You.
Lord, i've sinned against You.
Lord, i've sinned against You.

when i read the same thing over and over,
even i myself,
will get tired reading it.
but Lord, You still listen to me..

Father, how awesome You are.
how blind am i to not trust You.
Lord Jesus,
take me from dis day on!

november12.

Those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

Psalm 34:10

i've 2 doubts in mind.
may i share it wif you guys?
if you think you might be stumbled,
i suggest you stop reading from here?

those who seek the Lord..
i realised the Bible uses 'seek' alot.
so much so that i no longer know what seek truly mean.
does it still mean 'search' or 'approach'?

coz if it is search.
how else should i search for Him?
that He may be pleased,
and honours my effort.

and if it is approach,
i'm nothing but a thing on earth.
how do i even get the permission to see the King,
much less, approach Him.

somehow, i feel that i've lost hope.
i thought i was on the right track,
praying as i tread on.
not wanting to take any chances or advantages.

with respect, and honour.
dis day i fall,
with nothing but disappointments.
what else is there?

and my second doubt is dis.
what is a good thing to God?
good things are subjective,
aren't they?

i know that only when we look back,
do we know what was actually good for us.
and what are not.
in retrospect that is..

so while we're IN it,
how do we actually see the good in it?
especially when nothing seems to go right.
it is hard isn't it?

pauline sent us an email last night.
it records a brilliant conversation between him and his prof.
on the topic of God's existence..
and of coz einstein won on his 'by faith' campaign.

now, if faith is all i need.
den i can say faith is the thing i lack.
i very much lack..
so now it's my fault for lack of faith.

hmm,
it is really interesting how God speaks to you.
when you pen down your thoughts.
trying to put up an argument wif Him..

even though you know you will lose,
somehow you just wanna complain.
and at the end of the day,
there's really nothing much you can do.

but to submit to His will,
His authority,
His plans,
and His version of good things.

knowtoomuch.

i wished i didn't know so much.
know so much of a model answer that is.
how should one cope with emotional distraught.
how should one look towards God in ALL things..

as much as these tys answers are there,
they are somewhat difficult to apply.
and as far as i'm concern,
i can advise, but i can't adhere..

likewise in the statutes of law in the world.
there is what they call, the laws.
and there is also the 'public policies'
which reserves the human rights.

let's say you're grieving (attending a funeral),
and you got a parking ticket for inconsiderate parking.
you will still get the summon,
but a waiver might be allowed.

just because you're grieving,
there are a certain emotions tagged along.
authorities (who're also humans),
will bear in mind that emotions do play a part.

logic and emotions are eternal loggerheads.
we might KNOW what is right,
but we might not DO what is right.
and that is a fact!

we may be penalised for NOT doing what is right,
but we may be pardoned,
in view of the circumstance.
what abt God?

is God all logic or emotions?
i'm trying very hard to put the two together.
finding instances to prove it wrong,
that the loggerheads can actually agree with each other.

hmm,
sorry, i can't.
i can't find any examples.
let me know if you do find examples and prove me wrong.

i will not discount the fact that i'm not in my best state.
but i also will not fault God in anger and negligience.
firstly, i've no right to fault the King.
secondly, i've only myself to blame.

i pray that as i learn to cope wif my disorders,
i'll continue to look to God,
and be a blessing to pple around me.
bring joy to them..

november11.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

i thank You for this new day.
i pray that You will help me cope
with my old aches.
thank You, Lord.

november10.

He heals the heartbroken and bandages their wounds. He counts the stars and assigns each a name. Our Lord is great, with limitless strength; we'll never comprehend what he knows and does.

Psalm 147:3-5

i wish i can rip my heart out,
put it in a container and freeze it.
without dying.
its so painful.

and it just got worst.
when, Lord?
WHEN?!
when are You ever coming back!

stomptheyard.

stomp the yard's a nice movie.
it was more than just niggas,
it was more than just 'stepping',
it was more..

beyond the 'achievements',
a regular street thug could ever dreamed of.
DJ was lucky,
to haf an influential enough uncle.

who's willing to rope him into
one of the aristocratic colleges.
where he not only found encouragements and meaning,
he found what i'd call, 'grace'.

without that opportunity,
he wouldn't be able to shine like how he would.
without his loss (of his brother),
he wouldn't haf learned that dance is NOT abt himself.

but beyond all that,
i could identify wif DJ,
because when he was at his lowest,
his gf left him, he got kicked out of sch.

he was given another chance,
because pple around him stood up for him.
his gf came back and apologized.
for giving up on him like others did.

you know,
there're ALOT of times,
i wish i could make things right,
make things better than what it is now.

but given my position,
i'm powerless to do so.
as much as my willpower endorses my perseverance,
the reality smacks me on my forehead saying, "get down!"

i don't really know what is it abt anymore.
i used to know what i want.
but now,
what i want seems impervious.

and at the end of the day,
i know that it is God's will that has sovereignty.
so quite a few times,
i had to humble myself and submit.

argh, dis is unbearable.
waiting, is just not my forte.
my results, you..
when can i ever look in retrospect and smile?

OBAMA.

i know it sounds weird and irrelevant.
but somehow or rather,
i'm excited for the change that is to take place.
in america, and around the world!

obama's damn charismatic.
seriously..
unconsciously i'm rooting for him.
but now that he won, i confirm my support!

YAYY! OBAMA OBAMA!!

by-product.

if the results were good,
will we be in this state?
if it isn't so,
den wouldn't that make me a mere by-product?

i am nothing but at the mercy of your scripts.
because they didn't prove themselves,
i had to suffer for it.
hmm..

didn't God give us supreme authority over things?
if so,
den why do we seem like 'slaves' to things?
its emotions, my friend.

its how we wanna rule our lives.
if we bank our achievements on results of the world,
it is, nothing else but the consequential ruins on us.
we WILL be feeling inadequate ALL THE TIME.

and to you, i'm not saying you're taking it out on me.
but in dis v realistic world,
it is easily concluded that,
good times, lucky me. bad times, unlucky me.

but i'm still saying dis one thing.
i won't give up on us.
i won't let my emotions rule my head dis time.
we'll bite the bullet and forge ahead together!

Be exalted, Oh God.
Be magnified in our lives,
minimise our worldly desires,
and maximise our desire for You.

help us to focus on nothing else but You,
coz only You can satisfy,
and only You will last.
hear our cry, abba Father!

fairness?

recently, i've noticed
an unusual spree of unfairness lurking around.
or rather,
i've JUST noticed them.

take felipe massa for example,
though i'm a fan of hamilton more than massa,
but i can't help but feel unjustified
for the ferrari team that lost the F1 championship.

the team had worked so hard,
or at least,
the drivers had worked so hard.
and even had a perfect grand prix at brazil.

but fate had it,
it's simply not enough.
what is ever enough?
or what is ever GOOD enough?

take another of my very close friend for example.
she studied so hard,
but the crunch of the meritocratic system
had the last say.

so will effort ever be directly proportionate
wif the results yielded?
"you reap what you sow"
is it really the case?

i can't help but think,
why is the world like that?
since when had this system been culminated?
even during adam's time?

good enough,
or not good enough.
ironically,
the latter is used more to spur one on!

i'm disappointed wif the system,
will we ever be judged or rewarded based on effort?
the 'results' of the education system,
apparently is the litmus for the above system.

like for me,
i've studied so damn hard for SAT.
but i'm actually prepared to be told by SMU,
that you're not good enough.

so what in the blue world is ever good enough?
we bloody insatiable human race,
always thirsting for more and more.
nothing seems to be quenching it!

i'm sick and tired of being in the system.
how can i ever get out of it?
go farming in philippines?
or go live up in the mountains wif the goats?

november5.

Concentrate on doing your best for God, work you won't be ashamed of, laying out the truth plain and simple.

2 Timothy 2:15

for those who're workaholics,
for those who feels like they're serving
only if they're working.
for me.

results.

my results will be out on
20th November 2008, thursday.

i just re-read the minimum requirement
for the school..
i don't have A-Maths at 'O' levels.
Engineering Maths can?

and when i saw 1400
for the English component,
my heart skipped a beat.
suddenly, its like 'impossible'.

why do i feel so stupid?
hmm..

familyties.

recently,
there'd been a turn for the better for my family.
my folks are talking again,
and there are results to be happy over.

my sister..
i'm not sure if i'd blogged abt it before,
but i'm sure i told some of you.
my aunt and i had to appeal for my sister.

she, being a retainee,
could not get promoted again dis yr!
so she was abt to get kicked out of sch,
but the principal called my parents.

so my parents authorised me and my aunt,
to go meet the principal
to hear what she has to say,
and ask for a chance to take the 'leveling up' paper.

and so i took half day and we went..
at first the principal shoved us the JAE2009 book,
and my sister's face changed.
so did my aunt's.

and as she was explaining abt other options,
blah blah blah,
my aunt asked,
"why don't you gif her a chance to take the paper next yr?"

and the principal went on,
saying "she's alr a retainee,
and there's no such cases of being J1 for 3 yrs.
etc etc etc.."

and upon ending her valedictory speech,
she turned to me and said,
"so does the brother have anything to say?"
wah..

once she said that,
i sat up straight and took my sister's transcript,
and started my SAT verbal test..
and i went,

"aight mrs lee, let's try to look at it dis way.
we cannot look at dis in totality,
concluding that my sister's not good enough for JC,
just because she's incompetent in science stream.."

and i went on and on,
and the look of the principal's face damn classic.
how come dis guy's english so chim,
and my aunt's head turned too!

but of coz,
she left off saying that she hafta discuss internally,
and will revert next wk.
and true enough, they did..

my sister's form teacher told her that,
SHE'S ALLOWED TO TAKE THE LEVELING PAPER!
and she was so super happy that she called me on the spot.
and told me how thrilled she is!

and i too, was v happy for her.
though in my mind,
i credited my convincing skills,
for helping her seal the deal.

and i think she agrees too,
so she bought stationery for my SAT test!
so sweet right?
for the first time, she bought something for me!

next, i'll move on to my brother.
he's one classic joker lah.
and the best part is, its unintentional!
it runs in the family lah..

he was damn happy wif his results.
and he got back home one day wif them,
and he came right up to me when i was using the com,
and said, "i got 74/100 for maths leh, kor kor!"

he whipped out his paper
from his tortoise bag and i perused.
and as i read,
i decided to be cheeky but bearing in mind, must praise.

so i said,
"woah, very good.. den other subjects?"
den i could sense that he said it softer.
not very proud anymore.

joel: english got 35/55, chinese 41/80.
des: go take the cane here.
joel: huh? can don't want?
des: why you nvr get full marks for maths?

his face changed!
if he could, he'd turn blue..
den i told him,
just kidding lah! not bad joe, well done!

joel: wah, you scare me leh.
joel: i thought how come last time you nvr get 100,
joel: mummy nvr cane you.
joel: now i get 74, you want to cane me.

what the..
how in the blue world did he know my results!

the darjeeling limited.

its a simple show.
wif a simple plot,
but immense reality,
and alot of unsaid truths.

so many times we're actually close to 'friends',
but not always can we say
"i know who you really are."
right?

its not abt the itinerary you plan for,
outings, dinners, travels,
but its when you're faced wif challenges,
when you've overcome it nonetheless..

no matter how we try to control the situations,
we can never control how things would turn out.
its only when we trust each other enough,
that one day, we might 'know' each other..

madagascar.

i borrowed 3 movies today!
decided to camp at home and haf a movie marathon,
since everybody else is at the wedding.
no plans anw.
sometimes,
and i had to sign up for a new video ezy card!
anw, thank you for lending me.
couldn't use it in the end..
the fella say only can borrow in rivervale.
i wish you'd tell me
so i registered mine at pasir ris,
and got 3 dvds!
madagascar, the darjeeling limited, four brothers..
all diff genres!
what are your thoughts and feelings right now..
just finished madagascar,
anybody wanna watch madagascar 2?
i'm ready for the show!
ask me out pple, for i'm FREEEEE~~

done?

yeah, and so the SAT test is over.
i seriously don't even know what it stands for!
anw, thanks to you guys for your encouragements!
i'm just waiting for my results.

but i'm not exactly over though.
coz i'm facing another test..
dis time, its worst.
coz i can't practice for it!

its a test of faith,
test of perseverance,
and test of true love.
i'm doing dis, for the good of us..