forthefirstime.

for the first time,
i'm lost..

when will you say,
yes to me.
tell me quando quando quando.

iadmit.

Lord, i need more wisdom.
hold my hand,
guide me through..
for only You alone knows what holds for me!

please help me to trust You more and more.
please help me to even trust You!
give me clean hands,
give me a pure heart.

i place my heart, my life, my soul into Your Hands now.
Lord, take me.
mould me, fill me!

temptation.

i'm so tempted to take half day off,
just go home and do SAT.
get away from people and just face papers.
but i know i won't be learning by running.

Lord, please help me to be wise.
i need to walk with You.
guard my tongue,
guard my heart, oh Lord!

anybody?

will there be anybody who's willing
to go to the beach wif me?
when i'm not willing to talk/share,
i just need somebody to be there..

no matter how much i wished you can be there,
but the truth is..
you can't. how i wish you could! really..
or rather, not now.

argh!

i'm tired of being pushed around!
i'm so tired of being the 'substitute'!

i vow,
i'll get my degree NO MATTER WHAT!
i'm sick and tired of dis bullshit!

happyJOBS?

i googled top 10 happiest jobs.
and here's what i found.
based on UK's market..
the top 14!

Hairdresser
Average happiness rating: 8.7

Beauty Therapist
Average happiness rating: 8

Early Years/Childcare
Average happiness rating: 7.8

Doctor/Dentist
Average happiness rating: 7.5

Plumber
Average happiness rating: 7.4

Electrician
Average happiness rating: 7.3

Construction
Average happiness rating: 7.2

Leisure/Tourism
Average happiness rating: 7.2

Media/Creative
Average happiness rating: 7.2

Accountant
Average happiness rating: 7

Law
Average happiness rating: 6.8

Marketing/PR/Advertising
Average happiness rating: 6.8

Nursing
Average happiness rating: 6.8

Teaching/Education
Average happiness rating: 6.7

Accountants are just one ABOVE law?!
those white accountants must be paid really high huh!
and nursing's BELOW law..
and teaching, oh my!

but i analysed from dis far-fetched stats,
that the top 2 gotta do wif looks!
about making pple prettier/handsomer..
oh well!

motivation?

where haf my motivation gone man?
my motivation to come to work.
motivation to dress nicely to work.
motivation to meet new pple at work.

where are they?
does dis show that my motivations were shallow?
but why ar?
i'm beginning to sense tension in the office!

and i'm beginning to sense tension in myself!
my main goal now is
to do well in my SAT,
and NOTHING else.

is that why coming to work is a drag?
coz i keep having dis feeling that i've not enough time?
looking at how much more i've to study,
i'm beginning to panic..

all i wanna do,
is to do well for dis 'milestone-setting' exam.
coz i don't wanna be a useless bum alr.
i wanna be a man who has achievements!

and of coz in the midst of all these,
i wanna stick close to God.
i wanna lean on God's strength,
coz dis seem physical impossible (for me at least)

Lord please grant me the strength,
please bless me with joy and peace.
Lord, please.. i know He'll see us through! =)

dreams.

sometimes you hope that dreams last,
or at least come to past.
other times you hope you can rmb dreams,
or at least dreamed.

and you,
you're a dream slowly unveiling.
you're a dream that's sweet enough.
you're a dream that nobody would wanna wake up from.

sometimes i just hope
time would speed up.
and yet sometimes i wish,
time would stand still.

these are some ironies in life,
where it actually make sense.
these are ironies in life,
which i don't mind making..

ALMOSThere.

in a bumpy train ride,
crowded as it can be.
so many faces i see,
but none of them i know.

standing, sitting
all the same.
all i could see,
are just thought flashes the same.

after an almost everlasting train ride.
i finally see some rays of light,
prying through the window,
then skirts past the shadows of men.

almost like piercing through their opaque physique.
as though the rays are dying to reach me.
after long last.
long long last..

but now,
i can finally know how light looks like.
i know how the end of the tunnel will be.
somewhat like what i dreamt it to be.

simple english is all i can find,
in the saturated brain of mine.
but my intention was nvr to impress.
all i wanted, was to convey.

ahh, the great outdoors.
finally i can put my head out of the crowded windows.
just for a lil breather.
ahh, the great outdoors.

wish.

i don't even dare to wish to see you.
all i wish for,
is to hear your voice.
but i don't have a good enough reason.

here goes.

day 1:

kuching's airport is quite impressive huh?

view from my hotel room!

reminds me of church camp 07'

again the view from my room.

and dis is my room!

supposed to share dis queen size bed wif him!
but due to dis screw-up,
he shifted in wif another guy wif 2 queen size beds.
and i haf the room to myself!!

swimming pool which i didn't use.

day 2:

dis is Bako National Park

God is awesome and creative isn't it?

and He said, "it is perfect"

limestone rock.

and we did a lil trekking!

dis was my view from where i did QT..

we went to the city for dinner.
the building in the background is the parliament assembly.
the white building was a british prison turned british disco!

kuching high court.

and dis is their 'city'
thank God for singapore!


day 3:

on the bus on the way to Bidayuh Longhouse Settlement.

and dis is their settlement.
reminds me of pulau ubin man!

thank God for Sonata!
hahhhaa.
how to drive sia?!

their native rice wine,
quite nice actually..
very sweet!

these longhouses are built high above the ground.
sitting on stilts and bamboo floors!

those are sheets of rubber.

look at the flooring,
i don't even dare to jump man!
every step i took, was accompanied by a 'creak'!

their village mamashop.

the 'headhunter's house.
go wikipedia search 'headhunter' to get the full picture..

dis is what i call, 'communal living' man!
one common living room, the whole kampong share!

one common toilet!

a bidayuh weaving basket.

a bidayuh making musical instrument.
sounds damn nice lah!
seriously.

another bidayuh weaving a hat.
used for wedding purposes only..
they just sit there and do that ALL DAY man!

dis is what a bidayuh's house interior looks like.

i didn't take photo of meal times,
coz not very nice to whip out my phone while eating lah.
after the longhouse visit,
we went to the airport.

was supposed to be a 9pm flight,
but got delayed by 2hrs due to mechanical faults!
and only departed from kuching at 11.30pm.
reached home only at 2 man..

- the end -

procrastination.

hahaha,
i only reached office at 1pm today.
took half day leave..
was too damn tired man!

so nice to be able to laze in my own bed.
and its been a long time since i last slept in.
i only woke up at 11.30am man!
and it was coz of the alarm clock!

where is the smile?
where is the passion?
i can't help but wonder,
is dis what God really wants?

and if it is,
den why?
or rather,
what He wants from us through dis.

i'm battered.
so many things coming up dis wk.
and i've totally no motivation to lead worship!
but i guess i've to do it.

then again,
when am i ever ready to lead worship?
its been the longest time i actually AM happy.
but wif God, all things are possible.

i'll hold on to Him so tightly,
coz i can't afford to let Him go now.
i need Him so badly!
ever so badly..

back.

the trip was okay..
got to know some of my colleagues better.
and it wasn't really a retreat i would say.
more like a 'social event'.

but my colleagues were nice.
understanding that i'm fasting,
they'd just gently nod in approval when i retreat.
they'll ask me if i'm done meditating.

but overall,
it was quite okay..
wouldn't say i've ENJOYED myself tremendously.
but just okay.

pockets of idling time,
i can't help but think.
when i see a breath-taking scene,
i'd secretly wish you were there wif me.

but i guess,
if we honour God.
He'll bless us more abundantly in the future.
He's a consistent God, i've realised.

anyways, now its 2am.
tmr i'm still going to report at 8.30.
although some of them conspired to take half day.
but i think i got tonnes of work to finish up..

our flight got delayed though.
was supposed to be a 9pm flight from kuching.
and reach back in s'pore at 11.
but..

the plane flew from s'pore at 7pm,
scheduled to reach kuching at 830pm.
u-turned back to s'poreat abt 9.15pm,
due to mechanical faults.

so our flight got delayed 2hrs!
and reach back s'pore only at 1am.
was damn sleepy alr.
thank God, joy came to fetch the boos and gave me a lift!

there're quite a few pictures i took wif my hp.
will upload it tmr..
now, i just wanna go and slp.
lest i start thinking again.. it was so hard!

byebye.

and so.. you'll always be my baby!
i'm leaving!
take care now..
i'll be back in a while!

i hope.

its gonna be less than 24hrs now,
that i'll be leaving on a jetplane.
though its just for 3 days,
but its gonna be the longest 3 days man!
you're so gonna be running in my mind throughout!
suddenly, time stood still.
nothing seems to be moving..
suddenly, my mind's spinning again.
almost out of control!

hmm.

today, i haf a bad hair day.
tried something new,
and ended up like a mop!
crap. if its for me, text me the pw.. =)

drift.

so distance really stirs crap huh?
out of sight, out of mind?

but there's dis part of me that says,
"she's not that kinda girl."
and i'm more sure abt dis side of me,
than the former feeling mentioned above.

oh well,
i really don't dare to hope for anything.

i just wanna say,
you've been running through my mind..
day in, day out.
i wonder when can i ever hear your voice again.

cooloff.

i need to breathe.
so, so, so tired..
i've no time.
c'mon, i can do it!!
the reminisce just gets stronger each day!

enough.

didn't get to practice SAT for 2 nights alr.
hospital visit and don's 21st respectively..
a certain discipline must be inculcated,
when it comes to getting results in an insane world.

tonight, i'll make it a point to go straight home.
i'll spend at least 3hrs catching up.
and if my brain's still active,
i'll practice some more.

saw a lil bit of the Olympics Opening Ceremony ytd.
can't help but felt a weird tinge in my heart..
its a feeling i get when i am envious,
inspired, regret and even jealous.

michael phelps as you've seen a time too many.
by now, he's alr an 'Elite Olympian'.
at a sleek age of 23,
merely a yr my senior.

look at where he is now,
and where i am.
look at tao li, 18.
where is she and where i am..

so i asked pauline, mayteng and mark casually.
"what is one thing in your life which you're proud
to haf achieved right up til dis day?"
hahhaha.

pauline cheekily ans:
quitting my job at age of 30 to take a yr's break.

mayteng pondered and replied:
doing well in my 'O' levels, while studying in ITE.

mark said:
completing my diploma lor..

so at any one point in anybody's life,
regardless of language, race and religion.
you'll haf achieved something in life..
and what's mine?

i honestly thought back,
and found no clue to my hall of fame.
what haf i achieved in my life,
that i'm really proud of?

mark told me dis thereafter.
"you must always look on the brighter side of life.
be thankful that you've a desk-bound job now.
God could've only offered you
a cleaner's job or an odd-job"

that got me thinking.

mayteng adds on saying,
"we'll always want more.
once we haf something that we once wished for,
we'll want further more.
we'll always be in want."

i kept quiet.

i wanna get into law school.
i wanna do well and be a lawyer,
and then finally a member of the parliament.
and then?

but all these i kept in my mind,
reflecting on what mark and mayteng said.
i realised i'm blessed.
God had been kind to me.

i don't need achievements,
what i need is encouragement.
i don't need worldly encouragements,
what i need is to know my self-worth in God.

but actually,
deep down, i really wanna excel in something.
so that my parents can be proud of me,
so that i can be proud of myself.

i really wanna haf something to be proud of.
i really wanna BE somebody.
and i really want you..
these 3 things, i've been struggling wif SO HARD!!

cold.

my phone,
that has a habit of being charged daily.
my phone,
now hasn't been charged since monday night.
the inactivity consumed too little battery..
dis is so dreadful! how long more??

choices.

many times including myself,
can't help but wonder if
we've made a wrong choice,
if we've made a right choice.

but i was just thinking abt it today,
not that i was too free.
but when i was doing lunch duty,
my mind wandered on its own.

there's NO such thing as a right or wrong choice.
only good or bad choices.
nobody's gonna penalize you for making a certain decision.
you just suffer its consequences of bad decision after that!

look at it from the christian point-of-view,
is dis choice Godly, or gawdly?
but to me,
i make a choice considering a few factors.

whether will God be honoured if i make dis choice,
whether will i haf time wif God,
whether will i bless others in the course of it,
note: dis is from a christian point-of-view on 'choices'.

there're no right or wrong,
only edifying or pissifying.
there're no easy choices,
coz if its easy, you don't even hafta boggle over a decision!

so if you've recently been bothered and worried,
if you've made the right choice or not..
be encouraged!
coz God will be with you and see you through!

okay, i just realised dis entry is a lil redundant.
hahhaha.
but yah, just thought i could air my thoughts.
oh well. i miss you so bad!!

loveGod?

first half of chpt 7,
gives me a steady progression,
of what it takes or means
to love God..

and i read something which is quite true.
you may serve God, worship God,
go to church faithfully every sunday.
but can you say it aloud to me,
"i love God with all my heart."

it challenges us to proclaim to others,
with sincerity and honesty.
something of which we'd been preaching and singing,
"love God with all your heart.."

but when we're actually challenged to say it,
can you say and mean it?
try telling your parents,
"dad, i love God wif ALL my heart."

some of us fear that once saying it others,
we've uphold a certain 'standard'
a certain 'image' in front of them.
and we're afraid we cannot do it.

some of us might think,
"i can serve God, i can worship God,
i can go church everyday if i need to.
but don't ask me if i love God enough."
some of us are just doing beings..

and me, i don't think i'll be able to say it.
coz i know deep down in me,
i still don't trust God enough,
i may not even know if i love God.

somebody once told me,
"i don't think i know how to love somebody."
i didn't believe,
or rather, i couldn't believe it.

but now i know what it means.
coz sometimes the way we do things,
we might think its out of love,
but others may perceive it as "works"

for me, i like driving pple around.
i like serving in church whenever i can.
i like listening to pple when they're down.
i like sharing wif pple my 2-cents worth.

but are all these love for pple around me?
are all these love that God wants me to give?
i seriously don't know,
and i really don't know how to know.

coz when it comes to the 'tougher love',
when it challenges you to love your enemies.
oh, that i cannot man!
its really really hard lah!

so keeping in view the 2 examples mentioned,
will God still say i loved Him wif all my heart?
are these considered works?
or demonstration of love?

i can only come to one conclusion.
if you love the Lord,
let your love that flows
reflect God's glory and love in your life to others.

like if i somebody on earth,
i would go all out to please the girl.
i'd go out of my convenience to serve the girl.
i'd say "i love you with all my heart"

that's the kind of love God wants.
a relationship kinda love.
not a servant master kinda love.
not a teacher student kinda love.

our God is a jealous God.
therefore, He'll not give us something/someone
whom He knows will distract us from Him,
until we love Him wif ALL our hearts!

debilitated.

i'm beginning to wonder,
if you were a distraction,
or an encouragement.
i don't seem to find the motivation to strive anymore.

i know you shouldn't be my source,
God should.
but why can't it be,
God who placed you in my life?

i don't know,
but one thing i do know is for us to tide through dis.
as soon as possible.
coz i'm really struggling.

although i'm not devasted,
but i'm not happy.
although i'm not sure,
but i'm satisfied enough.

if dis is the only way you can get to know my life,
i'll blog and blog and blog..
blog ten entries if i need to.
or even twenty.

if dis is the only way i can get to know your life,
i'll refresh on your page.
refresh ten times if i need to.
or even twenty.

if i take a step whenever i think of you,
i'd haf reached home from city hall by now.
if i were to write whatever i wanna text you,
i'd haf compiled a book of a hundred pages.

cliche as it might seem,
i can't find anymore words or ways to describe.
fairytale as it might be,
you've always been my angel all these while.

silence.

as silent as it can be.
anymore quieter than dis,
is almost unbearable.
but i'll hold fast to what was promised.
Lord, we need Your strength to restrain!

hopeFUL

i doubt i can find anyone better than you,
or even like you.
you've been dis strange force in me.
a force that keeps me going.

i'll hold on to dis hope of the future.
i'll hold on to it so tightly,
unless my Father tells me clearly,
"NO, she's not the one for you!"

day 21, day 22..

day 21,
He spoke to you through your mum.
He spoke to me through you.
a day of hurt.

day 22,
He spoke to me through 'experiencing God'
He's blessed with joy from within,
and peace i've nvr felt before.

Father God,
i thank You for helping me see You in dis.
i thank You for reassuring me that i'm in your sight.
i thank You for speaking to us.

Lord, i pray for her.
that You'll bless her with joy and focus.
with peace and understanding that she needs right now.
Lord, we know You're with us.

You're the Jehovah Jireh,
You'll provide only the best for us.
and thank You for moulding me to be the best for her.
Lord, see us through forever more.

NOtyet?

Lord, we thank You for speaking to us.
we thank You for blessing us thus far.
we thank You for giving us only the best.
we thank You for You.

Father, we don't really know what's Your ans.
but at least now we know its not a 'yes'
Lord, i pray that You'll help us to learn from dis.
help us not just to see the now but also the future.

Jesus, we need You.
though i will not deny that its painful.
but Lord, i know You won't let us suffer for nothing.
help us to see the good in dis.

vindicate us, Lord Jesus.

John 11:41

So they took away the stone.
Then Jesus looked up and said,
"Father, i thank You that You've heard me."

fuss fast.

the bible says,
Men shall not live by bread alone.

my dear friends,
it is true!
don't ever live by bread alone.
or else..

you'll end up wif,
dehydration, ulcer on the rear gum
swell in the throat,
fever and gastric..

so if anybody who's thinking of fasting,
don't act so fast.
think what is the optimum fast for you,
and what is your reason for fasting.

if you really need to fast,
do it in a way that will force you to grow closer to God,
and not be too sick to even pray.
it defeats the purpose.

it is true that a fast requires you to give up
a certain privilege,
or a certain right..
but its definitely not asking you to commit suicide.

do it wisely,
do it so that it forces you for focus on God.
and not do it to lose focus on God.
that'll be a hocus!

chapter2

God's way, is the best way.
don't believe?
neither did i,
but i'm convinced now..

say, you're on a land full of landmines.
and you're new to the terrain.
your loved ones are on the other side,
so you hafta get there no matter what.

a soldier came by after a long while,
and he knows the location of the landmines well..
will you let him take you across?
will you believe what he claims?

think abt it..

are you too proud to say,
"i don't need your help!"
"i don't want you to tell me what to do."
"i don't want you to impose your ways on me."

or would you stick as closely to him as possible?
humbly, though desperate.
and be thankful that he even offered to help.
and listen to what he has to say.

i guess sometimes,
we grumble that we can't hear Him.
but think again,
are we too proud to hear from Him?

chapter1

knowing about desmond
is different from
knowing desmond personally.

likewise,

knowing ABOUT God,
is different from
knowing God personally.

think about it..

be near

You are all
big and small
beautifuland wonderful
to trust in grace through faith
but i'm asking to taste..

but Lord, i need to hear from You
be near, oh God

Your fullness is mine
revelation divine
but, o, to taste
to know much more than a page
to feel Your embrace..

be near, oh God of us

caged-up

i feel like i don't haf time for myself.
everyday is like getting things done,
getting more things done,
and getting things done well.

morning wake up,
go get squeezy in the tuna-canned train.
listen to mp3 and read
"experiencing God"

den get off the train and walk to office
and start work.
calculating accounts,
reading tons and tons of papers.

den lunch time,
go cathedral to spend some well-deserved quiet time
wif God.
and read my proverbs.

den after that super short 1hr,
go back office and start round 2.
dis time wif more frustration,
coz of empty stomach.

den knock off alr.
board the tuna-canned train,
dis time even more crowded,
got no reading space.

if no plans,
eat dinner alone at whitesands,
den go home practice SAT,
and do QT den slp.

if got plans,
go out eat dinner,
go home later and practice SAT,
and do QT den slp later.

everyday is lidat man.
apart from my 1pm-2pm slot,
i'm pretty much spaced out lah!
so tired to read so much and think so long!

SAT is just 3 alphabets,
but it really takes up alot of brain juice and time man.
so much that i don't haf time to watch tv,
or to watch online movies!

suddenly i feel that i've no energy to socialize.
everyday knock off alr,
feel like just going home and practice my SAT
and den haf an earlier night.

but by the time i end up on my bed at 12.30,
i'm alr gone.
i don't even dream anymore!
and before i know it,
i've to go work again!

even if i'm not feeling well,
i've to drag myself out of bed,
coz things are piling up and i'm on probation.
don't wanna let MCs affect my work performance at year end.

am i pushing myself too hard?
or is dis supposed to be the way,
but i've been slacking my life away
for the past few academic years?

nvm, i'll push myself harder.
i really don't wanna screw my exam up in nov!
i've made enough mistakes
and slacked enough by now.

time to be a useful being,
and achieve something for myself.
other than talking abt dreamy love,
time to hit the books and snap back to reality man!

argh, dis is so hard!
coming online has became a temptation for me.
but dis is my only time i relax and socialize.
other than dis, nothing else man!

its only been 3 mths,
but i feel like i've been retaining for 3 yrs.
i wanna be a useful person,
i wanna get into law school..

awwstruck.

when i came back,
i signed in my messenger and had 7 emails.
6 of which are from pauline,
the other from friendster..

all of them mattered to me,
and all of them spoke/ministered to me.
of coz at diff levels of aww-someness.
but i'll only blog abt one today.

there was a survey in america,
where they asked kids ranging from 4-10?
asking them,
what is "love" to them?

there was a whole list of answers,
but i'll share wif you 3!
that i'm really wow-ed at..
hahhaha.

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

and the prize goes to dis boy aged 4!
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"

it may seem cliche,
or cheesy to a certain extent.
but if you think abt it,
can you bring yourself to do it?

i can't.
maybe i can bring myself to do that wif pple i'm comfortable.
but not wif my neighbour.
Love your neighbour as yourself?

what does love means to me?
oh, you bet i've a thousand definitions and expectations.
swimming in my head now,
and grinning smugly..

Love to me is dis,
when i look at her in her eyes,
it just makes me wanna go up to her and hug her!
so tight and thankful for her being in my life!

so what is love to you?
it'll be nice if you'd text me your thoughts,
and we can both laugh abt it together!
to help us get through the dreadful week.. =)

relieved.

what came out of me last night,
was clearly not from God.
if it wasn't from God,
it must be from either me or the devil.

God made me worthy,
i made me worldly.
God made whole,
the devil sucked me into a hole.

Lord, i pray that You'll guard my heart.
more and more each day!
Father, i rebuke all these evil thoughts
in Your Son's name, Jesus Christ!
take control of my body, mind and soul.
for You are my Provider.
You are my all in all.
Lord Jesus, fill my heart with Your love this day.
i thank You Lord..
i thank You!

maybe.

i just need one achievement in life.
Lord, just one academic achievement.
just one..