blur vision.

each time i tell pple of my plans.
"oh, i'm thinking of applying to SMU Law"
their eyes widen,
almost all in disbelief.

honestly,
i can't help but feel disheartened.
what gave me the wildest idea
that i'm good enough for law sch.

though i'm all pumped up,
to finish my SAT study guide book!
and aiming high to at least get a 1480 for a score.
coz the minimum to get into SMU is 1400.

but each time i tell pple what i'm working as.
i feel ashamed.
i feel ashamed to tell them i'm working as a
Case Management Officer.

"woah! sounds big ar? how you get the job?"
they'd ask.
"oh, my friend's dad is the deputy chairman there."
"oh, no wonder.."

Lord, if i'm not good enough there.
why did you even put me there in the first place?
everything seem so nicely placed.
but each time i thought i could find some encouragements
in mere men.
but i get twice the discouragement.
Father, help me to look to You and not to men!
for it is really tiring to search and wait for answers.
i'm tired, Lord.
i'm tired of being led on,
only to realise that it was my own voice.
is law really for me?
if its not,
give me a clear sign, Lord.
haf mercy on me and give me a clear sign,
that even the blind can see,
the oblivious can tell.
Lord, i'm tired.
take my soul, Oh merciful God.
take my beaten soul with You.

am i me?

and its all back to the "am i me?" phase.
the kinship of dis blog.
the reason i first started dis blog.
the confusion when i first started dis blog.

today, is a day i went to work
WITHOUT mp3 plucked in.
dis morning is of such weird occurence.
wasn't what it usually seemed to be.

i woke up, stunned.
i wasn't sounding awake,
i forgot how being sleepy is supposed to sound like.
just so weird.

i woke up, with my bro's leg on my stomach.
his blanket over mine,
and my bolster wif him.
what happened last night?

my bro fell asleep on my bed apparently.
and he took up 3/4 of the bed!
wif his size,
you must be wondering how right?

he slept in a position
that writes the chinese word "da"
and he slept IN THE CENTER OF MY BED!
and i got smacked by him in my face thrice!

one even hit right on to my
recently-tightened braced mouth!
he hit the daylights out of me.
literally.

but being the super accomodating bro,
i curled up like a ball.
leaving him more space to turn and smack.
and the next thing i know,

he caught up wif me!
dis time when i turned around,
i saw his face up close and personal.
too close for comfort..

and i stood up,
at 6am..
thinking what should i do wif dis, dis..
tasmanian devil.

in the end,
i rolled him over to "his" side of the bed,
and try to catch an hour's slp!
but i couldn't.

the next thing i know,
its 7.
i didn't even haf the chance to be sleepy.
i was stoned.

now, the weird thing is dis.
why wasn't i frustrated wif my bro?
why was i so patient wif him.
don't ask me why. i've yet to figure..

on the train to work,
my eyelids put on weight!
as though they went for supper without me.
and my legs were wobbly!

i didn't eat breakfast,
i felt like vomitting.
my mind is moving so slowly now.
nothing seems to register.

the accountant told me some accounts shit,
and i stoned.
before i could ask or respond,
she was back at her desk.

so weird.
what haf become of me?
what am i pursuing in dis life of mine?
i haf not idea..

changes.

i've been reading alot lately.
reading so much that i can hardly leave books!
it has became such a huge part of my daily life.
i really don't know how much i can absorb.

read the Bible,
read the dictionary,
read the judgements,
read all these extensively!

so much that i can't get my mind of it!
even as i'm blogging now,
words like impervious, sporadic, vacillation
kept popping up in my head!

and as i form sentences now,
i haf dis urge to wanna use these words.
how to fit these words in,
and how to use it in sentences.

i really wonder if dis is how wm felt last time.
reading his blog full of bombastic words,
makes me wanna hang out wif him more man!
HAHHAHAH.

poignant, superfluous, hitherto,
subpoena, intransigence, eclectic,
clandestine, imperiled, reticent, sanguine
blah blah blah blah blah!

geeks of the world unite!

www.dictionary.com is officially
my homepage now!
seriously, new words had been flooding my mind.
trying my best to save it in my brains!

i really hope i can do well.
Lord, please see me through.
i really want dis!
i really do..

tagged.

hmm, as some of you might haf read wm's.
i've been tagged.
and i'm so gonna tag other pple!
so here it is,

#1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
I'll ask her what happened to our promises to each other in the past. and then i'll look for the guy and ask if he knew she was attached. if he knew, i'll kick his ass. if he didn't know, i'll just be damn disappointed wif the girl. bitch. hahhahaha!

#2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
i wanna hear God crystal clear.

#3. What will your dream wedding be like?
haf a church setting, and i'll sing while she walks down the aisle wif her dad. den proceed to the beach for a reception. and den a dinner at fullerton. and den, fly to our honeymoon destination, and den.........

#4. Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?
not really confused, but unclear?

#5. What’s your ideal lover like?
one who understands what i'm doing and loves me for who i am. and.. someone who can pray wif me? hahaha. that's abt it? and oh. of coz the usual "must be christian, pretty, motivated and caring"

#6. Which is more blessed? Loving someone or being loved by someone?
what kinda question is dis? pauline would say 'being loved by someone' is more blessed. and being her alter-ego. i beg to differ? hahaha!

#7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
until God says, its time.

#8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
wah sian, suck thumb and try to move on? and like what wm says, be her listening ear blah blah blah lah.. hahaha!

#9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
my very little pay which wouldn't seem to be sufficient for sch fees, braces and beers!

#10. Is being tagged fun?
alright lah. hahaha! i could choose not to be tagged, but since i'm responding.. yeah.

#11. How do you see yourself in 10 years time?
being in a court, arguing with people legally. and spending precious time wif my darling when i get back to our own crib! dis is too ideal.. hahaha! but it CAN happen!

#12. Who are currently the most important people to you?
not announcing it out here. but i know that person knows who that person is. shit, i sound damn childish. hahaha!

#13. What kind of person do you think the one who tagged you is?
the bored kind.

#14. Would you rather be rich and single or married but poor?
married but poor. i can live without money, but not without love and romance. hahaha! furthermore, how can anybody die a virgin?! that's why i always think pet dogs and cats are sad creatures. no wonder they hump!

#15. What’s the first thing you do every morning?
say a lil prayer while rolling on my bed procrastinating to get up!

#16. Would you give it all in a relationship?
i've always given my all, including friendships. if i can gif so much for friends, how much more would i give to my special one? =)

#17. If you fall in love with 2 people simultaneously, who would you pick?
wah sian, i'll pick none. coz i'm not ready for a r/s. i don't believe in buffets!

#18. What type of friends do you like?
i like friends who appreciates me. who cares how i feel, and bother to ask me out when i'm down or troubled. and who of coz, haf fun together!

#19. What type of friends do you dislike?
dis is a rhetorical question in reference to #18.

okay lah, in view of the limited audience of my blog.
i shan't tag anybody.
for your kind perusal! =)

wishingyouwell

i pray He'll keep you strong.
i pray you'll just hang on.
i wish you'll hear from Him someday.
i wish it isn't just this long..

temptation.

i wanna give up!
so many good food,
so many activities hovering around during lunchtimes.
i wanna give up..
but i won't. =)

convicted.

spending time wif God,
is just so refreshing..
as much as i'm physically hungry,
i need to be as spiritually hungry.
we'll make it through,
the Lord feeds me well,
and now i'm convinced.
that men shall nvr live by bread alone.
i believe now.
i know we will.

longwait.

its only barely been 2 full days.
time is passing so slowly.
i really wonder what will happen on 29th sept.
i cross my fingers.
please hang in there!

comewhatmay.

i asked myself,
why am i doing dis?
i asked myself,
must i really go through all these?

i told myself,
i sincerely wanna know Your answer.
i told myself,
i hope i can be yours forever.

this is only the first day,
and its not just for play play.
hungry, thirsty, i come to You.
Lord, i pray You'll see us through.

and now i surely will press on,
coz i've made dis, my sincere choice.
i'll bite the bullet and go on,
till i hear Your soft assuring voice.

i know, one day there'll be a conclusion.
and so i commit it to You,
i'll try to hold no expectations
coz You, are the Lord who holds it all.

for you, i persevere.
of You, i revere.

coldturkey.

i was sure by now,
God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.

but once again,
i said amen
and it's still raining

as the thunder rolls
i barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls
i raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

and I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am

and every tear i've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

yamaZOO!

aight, i just realised i didn't blog abt zoo!
so here goes!
enjoy.

distraught.

my maid's gone.
my dad sent her off prematurely.
she was not up to the household chores,
and complained twice.

after complaining twice,
her attitude became disgusting!
she took the initiative to slp a lil longer,
do housework super slowly..

knowing my communist dad,
he couldn't tolerate her any longer.
knowing my family,
they just had to comply to his decision that she MUST go.

and yeah,
so she went..
but apparently the housework didn't leave wif her.
damn.

and yes!
because of housework, full time jobs.
the house is basically empty until evening!
also good lah, save electricity.

when evening comes,
everybody's busy wif the chores,
hardly having any mood or energy left to talk.
just getting things done asap and bathe and slp.

ytd my uncle bought 4 bags of durians.
usually both the families will gather at my place,
sit around the newspaper ring
and start sucking till you see lil bald seeds come popping out.

but ytd, it was 2 bags here, 2 bags there.
i went over to take some clothes
and saw only my uncle opening the durians,
i came back to my house, only saw my dad opening.

nobody's eating it.
nobody's fascinated by it.
only after a while,
my mum joined him.

my sister went back to her room to catch up on her work,
my bro went back to his room to catch up on his work,
i went back to my room to get some rest.
what happened man?

i really think we need a maid!
let me explain before you start saying we're pampered.
but hey!
we ALL can do housework, just don't haf the strength to..

my mum told me as i was brushing my teeth,
"save more money, true lah.
but i don't know how long more i can stand."
literally.

my mum has problems wif her knee caps,
for standing long hours at work..
and she even has problems walking straight lah!
and you'll say still got my sis, my dad and me.

yah! that's what my sis and i are struggling to do!
doing housework after a damn long day,
got work to do.
and my dad usually shows a damn black face while doing housework.

and that seriously pressures the rest of us,
to work as hard as well!
on top of the work,
still must see his face..

so all of us were frustrated,
and trying our best not to invade into each other's job scope.
and today i broke something!
some crystal thing lah!

and i was in a very weird position standing on the chair,
and both hands full..
oh yah, if you're wondering.
i was taking down the curtains to wash.

den i was standing on the chair
and both hands on the heavy curtain holder,
i couldn't sweep up the mess.
and i was damn pissed when i broke the bloody thing lah!

and plus i had fever,
sore throat, and i'm allergic to dust!
and that curtain's quite dusty..
i took down all 5 rooms, my throat got worst lah!

nvm, so my mum came in and swept for me.
and she just very gently said,
"last time table bigger can put more things, den you won't hit the crystal hor?"
and i replied in frustration,
"aiyah, last time last time. if i know, last time i would've studied hard,
i'd haf made wiser choices, i won't be where i am today lah!"

wah, den she like damn poor thing lah.
she looked at me, stunned.
but we both know that we're frustrated lah.
sorry mum.

i need to run..

planned.

ever wondered why pple usually say,
or the Bible usually says,
"let these words of God rest upon your heart"

ever came across that?

and ever thought why must His words be upon
our hearts
and not His words be in
our hearts?

a learned rabbi replied,
"son, because your heart is closed up to His words when you're happy. and only when you're heartbroken, His words will then fall into your heart for you to meditate on and encourage you."

alright.

i'm learning to sleep things over.
or rather,
i've been trained to sleep things over.
last call.. is assurance really that difficult for you to articulate?

somanysomany!

i've got so much to blog abt!
its funny how i sound so alive in my blog.
but when you meet me in person,
or sms me.

i won't haf the energy to entertain for long.
i won't be able to sms for long.
i won't be able to initiate smses like before,
i won't haf enough strength to do anything!

its like i've been sucked into a life of depression.
not that i'm sad,
don't get me wrong.
but just not happening i guess?

oh yah, so anw!
although i don't know if law is for me,
but at least i know
accountancy's NOT for me!

with all due respect to you, jac.
seriously!
how the hell you survive studying these irritating modules,
for the past 1 year?!

today everything was good,
was smooth and
i thought i was damn good
a case management officer!

until about 4.45pm!
i realised i had to calculate the costs and stuff,
and i had to churn out invoices all that
which i seriously hate and suck at!

so okay,
i told myself i gotta master it soon!
since i'm alr a full-timer,
i can't afford to keep asking pple to help me!

and i started calculating the balances,
the tabulation of costs all that.
and at 5.30pm,
i'm still CALCULATING!!

i still had to churn out the invoices,
and draft a letter to go along wif those.
and i hate to leave things to a later date,
i HAVE TO get it done before i leave no matter what!

so at 5.35pm, i FINALLY got the tabulations.
and i was alr super frustrated!
coz the figures just kept changing coz of the
DAMN IRRITATING GST AND TAXES!!

argh!
so i churned out the invoices,
after probably 10 tries?
before i got the 'perfect' invoice printed.

coz by then, the accountant went home alr.
and i had to trial and error myself.
think she's gonna be damn impressed,
seeing the invoice on her table.

well, she BETTER BE!
and so, by then it was 6.10pm!
i left the office quite grumpy.
nvm, its over. i'll try again soon.

don't know today what happened sia!
think the accounting world had a campaign or something.
"Piss Desmond Off Whenever and However You Can Day!"
seriously lah!

jac, did you get that campaign's bulletin?
hahaha.
wah lau eh!
i tell you all.

early in the morning,
at abt say, 10am?
i had to ask this other law firm if the funds are correct,
and if they'd received our cheque.

and that bloody accountant just had to say,
"are you new? i'm very busy you know?
next time if not impt don't call and ask me can?"
WTH!

like as if i wanna call you lah!
if not for your "Immediate Attention" stamp,
i wouldn't even call you lah!
wah *toot toot toot tooot toooooooooottt lah!!!*

first i encounter rude secretary,
and now pms accountant.
who's next?
i'm just doing my job lah!

okay, nvm.
work aside, it's over anw!
hahhaha.
and i've to love the unlovables.

yah, so after a long day.
i was on the train home..
stoned in the train again,
don't really care if pple breathe down my neck anymore.

so as i was on the train,
plugged in.
was just going thru in my head,
visualising how dis sat will roughly be like.

den i got distracted,
not by the programs or pple around me in the train.
but i got distracted and slightly discouraged.
by the older pple in the band.

i won't mention who,
but i was just thinking.
shouldn't it be the older ones trying to support me
in gelling the band together?

since they're supposed to be more matured,
more experienced.
but in my case, no!
weird huh?

it's like i'm trying to integrate the oldies
with the younger ones in the band!
and i know they're not keen on the zoo thing at all.
but you know at least be courteous man!

if don't wanna go,
at least reply my email!
that's the least they could do right?
not asking them to draft me a letter or something.

until i call and ask,
den you tell me got dis and that!
yah, like "thanks lah!"
where's your sense of responsibility?

pauline, you should understand how irritating it is right!
to take effort and send out emails,
only to receive NO replies.
and when you try to be nice and call, you get rejected.

yah, i'm getting abit sick of all these,
accommodating and giving in thing lah.
and whatever rubbish like,
"aiyah, he/she is lidat lah!"

that has nvr been a reason to me,
not even close to being an excuse lah!
honestly,
if you've a prob wif me. tell me!

don't go around telling pple abt my shortcomings,
and frown whenever you see me.
c'mon man!
even if i got no brains, i've got feelings!

whatever lah,
i'm just gonna be that Mr Nice Clown that day.
and enjoy the fellowship wif pple who made the effort
to enjoy and make dis outing happen!

on a side note,
i really am very encouraged by the younger ones.
they were the only ones who replied!
and with their individual unique sense of humour.

and i'm really looking forward to spend time wif them!
to laugh wif them!
and to snap pictures with musically inclined 'monkeys'!
hahahhaa!

and derek has very kindly volunteered
to be the cameraman!
should i make him wear a blazer too?
HAHAHHA!

Lord, i commit this band into Your hands.
You know our struggles and upsets,
but God, i'm trying fixing my eyes on You.
help me to exercise more patience and love!

Help me to love them,
like how You loved me when i was difficult.
Help me to embrace them,
like how You embraced me when i was down and out!

Father, i pray for good weather
on that day itself!
that the animals will be hyperactive on that day,
and we can really enjoy each other's company!

Lord, in Your Son's name, Jesus
i ask.
Amen!

respect.

as i was dining wif char goh, nic tan and shu en.
the sight of the couple was strangely sweet.
i kept silent,
and observed the presence of respect.

they'd been together for 3 1/2 years now.
and usually by dis time,
most couples would've been rudely familiar wif each other.
and much respect and space compromised for familiarity.

nic tan would be deeply engrossed,
with what he has to say as usual.
char and i would be smiling as we respond,
not knowing when he's gonna stop blabbering.

at the corner of my eye,
i observed shu en's eyes glued to nich's
and a smile plastered to her face,
acknowledging and supporting his statements.

though sometimes nich may be talking rubbish,
shu en would look at him in the eye
and laugh along wif him,
and not roll her eyes at him coz he's at it again!

its just so amusing,
how they can maintain the space,
and respect for each other.
despite knowing each other for so long.

shu en and nich talked,
as though they're still getting to know each other.
trying to sense if he likes me,
or she likes me anot!

but the actual fact,
they're together for 3 1/2 years alr!
and they'd been overseas together,
and i suppose are damn familiar wif each other alr.

yet, what's appalling and sweet.
is the respect they haf for one another.
supporting each other,
savouring each other for what they first loved him/her for!

i'll make it a point,
to remember what i respect my gf for in the first place.
and bear that in mind!
coz i don't want familiarity to rob that away from us!

boyagain.

just came back from my meet-up wif my guys!
my army guys.
they're still the same!
haven't heard their vulgarities in the longest time man!

but they're still the same,
more mischievous now.
hear them say how they treat the new sergeants,
i'm so glad i ord-ed!

and i came home,
feeling the adrenalin from the supper.
i bathed and i tried to sit down and do qt,
spend time wif Him.

but i had the weirdest feeling.
felt no connection,
no peace,
no blessings!

i struggled to read through the lines,
but my conscience brought my eyes back to the previous line.
before i could complete the paragraph,
i had to rethink what i just read.

it was so 'dark',
and unknowing..
it was so 'lonely'
and burdening.

i closed my books,
as well as my eyes.
i pleaded wif the Lord to be back wif me.
i sensed nothing.

i prayed again,
and tried reading my material.
i knew nothing was going in,
and i left the books unclosed dis time.

wondering what's going on.
search my heart, oh Lord!
unveil my divine eyes,
and reveal my wrongs to me..

i wanna be where you are,
it was too dark in there.
i couldn't see anything.
where is Your Word that lights up my path?

Father, i pray that You'll align me with You again.
i wanna love You and not the doctrines.
i wanna spend time wif You
and not trying to be perfect in the laws.

Jesus, i wanna go back to You.
Jesus, i know i've strayed away unknowingly.
Jesus, thank You for showing me my 'empty r/s' wif You.
Jesus, i wanna be filled with the Holy Spirit once again!

in Jesus name i sincerely ask,
Amen.