Tuesday, April 26, 2005

whoops.

i was pissed today! not only pissed by filled with resentment and hatred. not kidding, can even picture myself killing. imagine that. but that's not the deserver-to-be-shot part, it is actually blame other pple for ur own insecurities. and even called pple and shouted at them. was bad, felt really guilty and ashamed of myself. maybe that was the limit that i've exceeded? and i well forgotten that other pple haf limits too.

anyways, was kinda rude and selfish throughout the whole confrontation today. it was totally uncalled for. to think i actually shared abt finding true happiness in the beattitudes, Blessed are the peacemakers.. i've already defied, big time! yeah, but to pple who noe me well enuff, dis entry won't be convincing enuff to tell them that i've actually cooled down and forgiven, because i did dis so many times before and seldom it really happened as nicely as i've put it. i deserve it, period.

* i'm sorry to u, and to him *

Friday, April 22, 2005

almost here.

Almost Here
Did I hear you right?
Cause I thought you said
Let's think it over
You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you
Shadows bleeding through the light
Where the love once shined so bright
Came without a reason
Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you
But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears'
cause your only almost here
I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me
Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Oh please protect me
Bruise and battered by your words
Days are shattered, now it hurts
Oh, haven't I always loved you?
But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears'
cause your only almost here
Bruise and battered by your words
Days are shattered, now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you?
But when I need you
You're almost here
Well I never knew how far behind I'd left you
And when I hold youYou're almost here
Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted
And now I'm with you
I'm close to tears
Cause I know I'm almost here
Only almost here
*I meant every word here*

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

recharged.

hmm, yep. long time.. haha. anyway, today was indeed a Day of Screw-ups, Day of Revival as well as Day of Reconciliation. yeah, it was pretty bad as it started off. when to study wif wilson and then cheryl came to find me at subway. somehow, i was really frustrated and pissed lah when i saw her. like no interest anymore, just wanna pick a fight wif her. so yah, eventually i got my way, quarrelled and left wif a long face. maybe i was cooping too much within me for some time. was thinking to myself like "aiyah, forget it lah. i should just go MIA for 2 weeks lah. gif myself some time to think about stuff. yeah, so nontheless, i still went to work wif a long face and everything seems pretty fine. so i walked around the shop to pack the shop a lil and chanced upon dis book titled "Every Man's Marriage". so i thought, maybe i should just read dis. and so, i turned to the contents page and the first thing that i saw was "How Feelings Turn Cold?", i was like "woah, lidat also can ar?". so faithful, i read. and i got addicted to that book! was so occupied by it. and then SUDDENLY, cheryl came into life bookshop!! the least that i expected! she actually came to look for me wif initiative, furthermore it was after a quarrel. wanted to look up into the sky to see if pigs were really flying, but dammit. there was a ceiling. so, i was still in a shock, when she asked if i wanna eat dinner wif her. she'll eat in the shop wif me. so, we had long john. yah, and since she made the first move to "reconcile", so why do i still bear a grudge. furthermore, its a rare event. haha. yep. anyway, did some sweet stuff which i'm not gonna tell u all lah. haha. but yah, she was disappointed again when she left the shop. coz i planned having supper wif my friends [she's against late outings]. and she was disappointed lah. so i explained like, i organised it in the fit of anger. but to no avail lah, she didn't buy that. and ended the msg wif "aiyah, do whatever u want lah. i don't care already." and to me, it was like "shit! how can i screw dis up again!!" but nonetheless i continued to read my book. i really didn't know how to reply.

so yah, back to the book. the keypoint to dis entry is dis:
what's sin actually? in the book of Romans, Paul wrote that he wouldn't eat meat if it will cause his brother to stumble. meat isn't unclean! its not stated in the bible that meat's unclean. so why wouldn't he eat if its not a sin to eat meat? the reason he wrote was dis, it's not a sin to eat meat. but if u stumble a brother by eating meat, then it's a sin. so likewise, there is no wrong wif going out late!! but if it causes a stumbling block between dis r/s that God had planted, it is sin. this is the gist of it lah. not sure if i quote correctly, i'll justify it again once confirmed! yah, so what i'm trying to say here is that sin is so widely-ranged. though its not stated in the bible that its a SIN, but if it causes a brother to stumble, then its a sin. for me, i was convinced that its logical lah. so in our case [cheryl and i], i'll not go out late unless i haf a valid reason lah. if not, why should i strain dis r/s? no point right? i believe she's not that unreasonable that its a HARD & FUSS rule that i can't go out late. yep, so i shared wif her what i read. her eyes told me that she's thinking, "God, thank you sooo much for helping me speak to desmond." knowing that she has a problem wif sharing and expressing what she really feels, God speaks for her! its a testimony man! so i decided to share wif my fans out there! haha. yep, hopefully God's speaking thru me now. any disagreement, can just tag and shoot me lor! =)

*God speaks! He speaks!!*

Thursday, April 14, 2005

11th april.

oh well, my highly anticipated day had just became history. a day that marks a yr to our stormy r/s. haha. many of my fans out there will noe. haha. oh well, we've been thru it. u name it, we've been in it. haha. okay, 11th April 2005, started with my driving practical and a helluva suey day. andrew can second me on that. we went running around for a present, coz the present i planned to buy, no more stock! yah, so we decided to like go cut hair as well, since i've decided on going Topshop after that. we took a bus to roxy square, and "fortunately" jeomil [hair saloon] was closed. dammit, and it was raining. we went around like dogs trying to find a cheap and decent saloon. can u imagine, supposed to meet her at 7.30pm in NUS, and i haven't got present, no hair cut, not changed and its raining at 4.30pm. so we decided to go parkway to check out saloons as well as a present, and we chanced upon dis sweater at Esprit. but i didn't think of getting it, coz of the budget. and furthermore she got so many sweaters and pullovers already. so we carried on walking [in vain]. andrew's such a pain man! bringing him out is so damn troublesome. hahaha. [no offence man, bro.] one minute, he's hungry, and urgent the other. and i'm rushing for time, too many things going thru my mind. haha. so in the end, i gave up the chase and got the sweater. but at the point that i bought it, i knew she'll like it. and it'll look good on her. somehow lah, got dis feeling. den she suddenly called and said "eh, i don't think i'm going for the last lecture, so can meet earlier." i was like "wah wah, siao liao!" haha. so i told her, "we'll meet at 7 at dhoby ghaut, coz i'm not ready yet." yah, she didn't sound quite happy lah, but no time for pursuing the matter. haha.

okay, so i went home to change and get ready without a haircut. yah, and i smsed her that i'll only be able to meet her at dhoby ghaut at 7.30 instead of 7. and i continued to rush and everntually i reached dhoby ghaut at 7. so i thought like, go check out he glass house and see if its crowded, coz reservations for tables after 7.30 wasn't allowed. yah, and it seemed pretty okay, need not wait. so i walked to GV at PS and bought tickets to "Spanglish". was in a dilemna for quite a while between "The Wedding Date" and "Spanglish". One's appropriate, the other anticipated by her for a long time already. so i thought if dis night's for her, who cares about being appropriate, so i bought "Spanglish"!!! haha. yep, done wif all these chores, i waited for her at the bus stop as planned. and when i saw her, in that green top. GORGEOUS! that's all in my mind. yep, so we went to the glass house and had our dinner there. we had to wait if we want tables inside for like 15 mins. so she decided to seat outside, and cut those waiting time. yep. she had Fish & Chips, i had Black Pepper Stingray. was fantabulous! and we exchanged presents there. tell u, the happiness thing that brightens up the whole night is not the programs lined up, but the smile that u know is genuine. it just warms my heart. okay, now for my present!! haha, she gave me her cjc tee, which i've been bugging her for a long time! haha. and the coolest part is that she sewed "love, cheryl" at the bottom seam. its like a big blue love letter to me. really liked it alot! the sweet part is that she took 4 painstaking hours to sew, though its just 9 letters, plus a comma 10. but its the heart of perfection man! really. coolest present ever!

yep, after dinner. we had an hr to bum around before the commencement of the movie. we went to snap lotsa shots outside some place lah. haha. not too sure what it exactly is. and yah, we only agreed that only 1 shot was nice out of the many many. haha. but nonetheless, we were elated. haha. den we slowly walk to PS for the show. "Spanglish" is really good. the dilemna of a foreigner, who's torn apart by the death of her husband. aiyah, go watch it urself lah! the movie's 2hrs+ btw. yah, and then, we made our way to Meritus Mandarin by foot. haha. and the whole way, she was asking me, where are we going. so after some time, i pointed to her "there, we're going there." den she was like "huh?! do what?" den i cheekly told, "siao, go hotel still can do what?" okay, the conversation goes like that :

Cheryl: Really meh? siao! very ex leh.
Desmond: Aiyah, first yr leh.
Cheryl: Huh? Really ar?
Desmond: Aiyah, stop asking lah.

haha. so we went into the lobby. her face still stunned. haha. wanted to go 39 floor, but the lift only serve until 36. so we took another one, which serves 39. haha. den she said "siao! still book so high one ar? how much u spend sial.". den i said "penthouse suite. don't tell u the price. where got bf tell gf the price of what he spend on wan?" haha. so we went all the way up, and when the life door opens. we were in awe. the scenery was like "woah......" haha. den she "idiot!! bluff me again!! but the scenery really very nice leh." so i walked to the counter and the staff politely and happily said "Sorry, we're closed!". wah, i tell u ar, i really ultimate demoralised sial. the highlight of the night, ruined coz of that unpredicted length of "Spanglish". wah, sianz to the max sial. but she was really sweet, and kept saying "nvm abt the plan lah, what matters is the heart, at least we get to see the scenery mah." i was slightly moved lah, by her words. yep. so, we went down and stood outside the hotel, and deciding where to go. in the end, we decided on swensens instead of ally's bar. yep. and we ate there lor. had "waffle dream". haha. yep. that closed the historical night.

*the special "she" in the whole post is none other than Cheryl, my miracle*

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

facts.

3 Things about my close friends that will naturally put a smile on my face just by thinking abt it.
Furong
- when he tries to fit a cookie in his mouth.
- "don't talk cock lah.."
- when he laughs.
Danielle
- the fact that she talks to the wall.
- "pretty pretty?"
- "eh, talk leh."
Sarah
- "eh, f*** lah!!"
- "niao-ge-li-bu"
- "immediate failure, coz slope."
Andrew
- "eh, what if one day right.."
- his bloody short legs.
- "aiyah, can wan lah. if cannot ar.. aiyah, sure can wan lah!"
Charmaine
- her hand gestures when she's talking.
- when she um-chio.
- while she talks, she bobs.
Karen
- when she's singing secular songs.
- when she's high.
- when she laughs all so hysterically.
Mingjie
- when he simply talks cock [irrelevant cock]!
- "eh, so later... [um-chio]"
- when he tries to link the bible to his secular jokes.
Zing
- his laughter. [just damn retarded lah]
- when gillian xialans, he just looks elsewhere.
- when he just talks cock abt other pple.
Gillian
- her pout.
- her closed eye rainbow.
- when she's frightened.
Jinping
- her penguin walk.
- "eh, so how?"
- "how ar? sian."
For Cheryl, too many lah. just list 5.
- her smile.
- her damn big eyes.
- her craving for food.
- her conversation wif fella.
- when she talks to her brother!!! [winner of all]

Friday, April 08, 2005

test result.

wow wow wow. my exam results will be out tml man! kjs [kan jiong spider] to the max man! though i know i'm gonna fail a few, but somehow i haf dis feeling that they'll moderate and that i'll get a D? at least a pass u know? i really wanna do my SIP and FYP wif my friends of my batch. if i fail any subjects, i'll hafta do my final year project wif the retained students. shit man. let's hope for the best.

i know its a bit too late to post dis but, the pope's dead! and many many of my non-christian family members asked me if i'll haf a half-day off from sch, whether will i still be able to go heaven without him or will i still be forgiven from now until the next pope's elected. i really wanna laugh lah, but dis is a sad thing man! c'mon pple! don't laugh lah, God's word needs to be spread! at least the basics? hahahhahaha. [sorry, couldn't contain anymore] my laughter's innocent lah k? they're like so innocent or ignorant should i say? hmm, they're speculating if the next pope will be a black. coz there's dis cardinal from south africa or some black country i forgot, got elected to be one of the "candidates". yah, but who cares lah.

alright, later's the dinner. kinda looking forward for the meet-up, but on the other side of my scrony brain is holding me back, dreading. not sure how it'll turn out and stuff. not sure if its gonna turn out weird. anyway, will update u guys man. i mean, update on my exam results. not so much of my private stuff lah. -quote danielle- let ur heart itchy itchy! -unquote danielle-

* eagerly dreading *

Thursday, April 07, 2005

test date.

hee hoo hee hoo! my test date's on 4th Aug man!! can't wait. today was like damn funny, i drove to upper pierce reservoir. the instructor told me "ah boy ar, if u see one snake along the way, dis lesson hup-ply [half-price] ar, if u see two snakes, dis lesson flee [free] okay? haha. den i was like damn excited lah, looking out for snakes and so on. and we saw monkeys man! the instructor bought 2 packets of peanuts just to feed the monkeys. haha. damn funny. but there were no snakes sighted man. shit! so i had to pay full price for dis lesson. dammit! but was quite cool lah, completed a perfect 3-point-turn on first try. even though its not tested. haha. that's all for driving today.

oh, today time passed damn fast at work. had some stocks to do. finished all 5 boxes in 2 hrs sial. slowly take my time to do but still finish so fast. so i had another 2 hrs, i read "finding Mr. Right" and "finding the right woman for you". was kinda interesting though. the author quoted verses from the Book of Ruth in the bible, and elaborated on it. honestly, it set me thinking a lil. like why am i in a r/s and how should i make a r/s work and last. i used to be so ignorant and arrogant, thinking that i know everything abt love. but today, i proved to myself that all that i know was just the basics. so little that i know how a girl actually feels and what she actually wants. but oh well, timing is always against me i guess. its always too late, no matter how fast i try to rush things. maybe i shouldn't rush anymore. was just thinking of giving up everything and try to start afresh. i told myself earlier that "if somebody's not gonna meet us, i'll gif up everything. but he said he'll still to meet us no matter what." so i'll see what happens tml lor. yep.

*don't care? OR can't care?*

Sunday, April 03, 2005

wth.

sometimes i just think i make wrong decisions more than the right ones. like u hafta compromise to make another [party/parties] happy. but the kind thing is that it doesn't always happen lah. well, when it happens, it's not fun. and u know dis kinda things, nobody ever tries to be honest and truthful abt it? like u won't wanna hurt the person in the dilemna and stuff. but somehow at the back of ur head, u know that they actually mind? and they're actually unhappy and maybe label u as "pangseh" or anything lidat? u know, and the cost of it all is that whenever they haf any outings or gatherings, u just won't be involved anymore. coz probably they feel that u won't wanna join them anymore. u know? it sucks. really do. sometimes, when we try to prioritise, pple do get upset. how can i ever juggle both sides? both are of equal importance to me, i can't afford to lose either of them.

that aside. pple asked me before, is it worth calling those pple who labels u, a "friend"? it is of coz logical and legitimate that true friends don't call u that. but i told my friend, "if i don't try so hard to try to please both sides, at the end of the day, who can i really call friend? and maybe the most impt point here is that, i don't haf much friends. friends that i'm so comfortable wif, if i lose them, who can i turn to if i really needed someone?" ain't it true? ur friends tried to ask u out, and u've turned them down, like quite a few times. will they still ask u? or will u still ask them if they've turned u down a few times? well, i don't blame anybody here. maybe it's simply because, i'm not too good at organizing my time and managing my priorities? hmm. i don't know. just feeling really lousy now. definitely if any of my friends who knows what i'm refering to, they'll say, don't bother abt us lah, we understand.

* do they? *

Friday, April 01, 2005

buffled.

funny, funny feelin.
not sure what i've done wrong but dealin.
dealin wif emotions tat i hafta cope.

so wanted to ask if everything's okay.
but so afraid i would be an irritant.
so wanted to ask if i've done anything wrong dis time.
but i guess it would be in vain.

how i wish i could put a smile on her face.
even in dis time of uncertainty.
expressed what i really felt in chinese,
my tone was pretty lovely though.
but to no avail.

well, i guess i should gif her some time.
gif myself some time as well.
hopefully dis would be a breeze,
and everythin will be at ease.

i stil love her so dearly,
but if i say i love her, all dis is in the package.
acceptance and time is what i need.
i hope i can cope wif dis.