conundrum.

there was a huge untidy pile of papers lying in front of me,
because of my tidy-complex,
i had no choice but to pack it up,
instead of turning a blind eye..

and being a lil too ambitious over myself,
i just picked the whole pile up,
and tried to tap them on the table,
to get the whole pile lined up.

but yeah, it was kinda impossible.
papers were having different bearings altogether!
so i heaved a subtle sigh
and submitted to the nature of physics..

but i was thinking,
isn't the way we sometimes handle our flaws, the same?
ever felt before,
that one fine day, you just decide to sit down and evaluate on life.

and inevitably conclude that you're sucha flawed being.
wif so many bad habits, complexes and even regrets.
yet, out of frustration and 'perfection mentality',
we try in futility, to sort of the dirty linen all at once.

when God showed us time and again,
even if its not in the bible or any literature.
the nature is a very evident hint of who God is..
He is definitely not abrupt.

i myself, am a fond and avid reader on geography.
and through and through, i've realised the beauty of
'letting nature take its course'
how volcanoes and continents are formed.

likewise, as much as a flower or even wildlife takes time to grow,
there is a season for everything.
and sorting out differences isn't as easy and convenient as
taking out a piece of paper and form a checklist to tick from!

it takes time for the knots to untangle,
it takes experience for the process of untanglement.
and we find that skipping a step of that due to impatience
will force us to bear the brunt thereafter..

like the famous story,
where a boy tried to pull the butterfly out of its cocoon
after seeing it struggle to come out and fly,
out of goodwill, he assisted or rather, disrupted the process.

wif a tug, the butterfly's out.
but it couldn't fly coz the wings are not strong enough!
so in the end,
the butterfly became a handicap for life.

because the 'struggling-to-come-out-of-cocoon' process
was intended to strengthen its wings to prepare for flight!
if we skip that 'painful ordeal' or learning process,
we find ourselves handicapped to the similar situation next time.

so i've been reminded again,
to be patient. and take the learning process in stride!
sometimes we need to sort a whole pile of papers bit by bit,
sometimes we've to endure the struggling process.

in order for us to be who God intend for us to be..

living in the moment?

as i was talking to one of my friends,
amidst all the questioning and talks.
in fact, its been a long long time that he's been out.
so off that he strayed from the faith!

anyways, there was one thing he said,
that sparked a thought in me..
friend: i live in the moment.
des: ?!

den suddenly, i had an impulse to reply
"you know animals live in the moment?"
it was albeit harsh,
i expounded on that rebuttal, and i started to make sense!

and i further asked him,
"what do you think a chimpanzee would do,
if you gave it a million dollars in cold hard cash?"
i guess it was getting a lil more intense here.

den i went on,
"it'll probably use it in luxury to wipe its ass.
coz it was shitting at that moment.."
isn't it true?

you can't blame animals for 'being ignorant"!
firstly, they don't haf the intellect that of a human being.
and they don't haf a purpose in life!
they learn stuff coz they're forced to, not coz they want to.

sure, we can put animals through training school.
but that's for OUR benefit, not theirs..
we keep them hygenic,
coz WE don't wanna be infected by their disease.

we get them toilet-trained,
coz WE don't wanna clean up after them,
not coz of their hygiene!
isn't it?

would they wanna seek higher 'training' to improve themselves?
i dare bet if they had a human brain,
they might very well lament that,
"i don't even haf a soul, nothing happens after i die!"

but as humans, we tend to be 'living in the moment.'..
why?
coz the reality of planning and experiencing
are just too harsh for us to gestate!

and more often than not,
we just wanna run away somewhere.
either to restart our lives, in hope of a clean slate
or to just live in denial, in a bid for a slightly happier lifestyle!

but believe it or not,
wherever we go, whatever mistakes we made.
it is not out there to get us down,
but to help us identify its hurts, so that we can be prepared!

and we often prepare ourselves,
coz we know we're not just accidental occurences,
but we're creations of purpose!
to be a creation, there must be a reason for it.

pple don't create a home just coz they feel like it.
they create it, so that it is somewhere they find comfort in.
even if they create it to look good or as a job,
it is still a reason to create!

and our Creator went a step further than other creators.
He fearfully and wonderfully created us..
in other words, He put lotsa thought and contemplation to it!
He wants the best for us.

although among all the hurts and disappointments,
it is pretty hard to believe or to be convinced
that God created us to love us
and not to find joy in torturing us!

but hey, living in the moment is just not our thing.
we're not made to live in the moment!
snap back and face the truth,
WE ARE MEN PURPOSELY MADE WITH A PURPOSE!

dog-syndrome.

some of us have watched 'marley and me'.
i wonder if you can rmb dis part, nearing to the end.
where jennifer aniston tells of
how marley tend to move away knowing its time is coming.

i've not figured if that was a myth or a fact
that all dogs choose to die away from pple closest to it.
or is it just marley.
is that self-pity or is that consideration?

knowing how it'd hurt others,
it naturally chooses to be forgotten.
although its virtually impossible,
and somewhat naive.

but sometimes, going off to a faraway place
seems more conducive to rot away, isn't it?
or maybe it is just a cowardly act,
that it can't bear to see its close 'family members' hurt..

i think?

i think the more i think,
the more i become inferior.
did i not give myself ample reasons and time
to evaluate on who i really am?

it sure seems like the more i think of who i am,
the more i find myself low and disgusted.
so why am i like that?
are there anybody out there who enjoys being low-esteemed?

coz i don't find it fun discovering myself either..

what's left?

it has been a weekend of thoughts and intrigues.
first, it was the video we watched during cell,
by ravi zacharias.
the other, being the movie '2012'.

let me expound on the former further?
it was a long video,
but i brought home one thought wif me.
would i rather feel pain, or be unable to feel pain.

ravi zacharias, amongst other things, quoted a story.
where a girl who was diagnosed wif a rare disease
Congenital Insensitivity to Pain with Anhidrosis
called 'CIPA' in short..

if you want more info, here.
but in layman's terms,
it is basically a disease or rather, a disorder from birth,
the inability to feel pain.

some of us try so hard to 'mask' our fears,
some of us yearn so much for 'recovery'.
but dis girl, she was born without pain.
but to me, that was the most painful diagnosis.

because of CIPA,
she's gotta haf 4 teachers specially attached to her,
making sure that she doesn't suffer any cuts or bumps,
lest, she bleeds excessively unknowingly.

during her recess time,
she'd hafta put ice into her steamy hot food,
so that the food she place in her mouth,
doesn't scald her tongue or oesophagus..

day after day after day,
her mum aches in her heart.
uttering prayer after prayer at each sunset.
"all i ask for, is that she'd at least feel some pain"

at that instance, i thought to myself,
isn't pain, heartaches, disappointments such a blessing?
that girl didn't know what is dangerous,
she is literally in danger everywhere she goes.

for us, we feel pain, knowing that
certain things ought to be avoided.
we know we shouldn't go near a lighted stove,
or stand near an exhaust pipe of a motorbike.

even in heartaches and disappointments,
we know how to handle those upsets better in future.
we know what ought to be avoided,
and how to avoid in future.

so is pain really a curse, or a blessing?
is it God's way of averting us from a potential fatality?
if that is proven sound analysis,
den shouldn't our prayer of recovery be changed?

instead of asking God to take away our pain,
shouldn't we be thanking God for 'warning' us before its too late?
and at the same time,
pray and ask for discernment and wisdom to handle it?

think abt it..

on sunday, i finally got to watch 2012 wif 9 other friends!
although it was an expected plot,
where the world is coming to an end,
and how men would overcome it etc..

but from that movie,
i picked out one thing as i see the 'calamities'.
God is ALMIGHTY.
we're literally nothing, in every sense of the word.

i noticed how often we shake our heads in shock,
when we see buildings and man-made mega infrastructures collapse.
how pple were killed from natural disasters,
and how vast the disaster upon men was.

but we will hardly move a nerve,
when we see nature destroyed.
without the drama of crashes and fire and screams,
we wouldn't feel much 'pain' from that, would we?

in fact, we feel at ease or relieved when we see the calamity
strike a piece of no-man's land.
away from civilisation,
no calamity is too big to be considered one.

but looking at how an entire city slides into the engalfing waters,
just reminds me of how 'temporal' our 'state-of-the-art achievements'.
what remains, really?
what remains?

as i see how men run, hide and preserve living-kind,
just shows how ignorant and highly we think ourselves to be.
in actual fact, the world will come to an end,
but not as easy to be predicted.

we're so snobbish to a certain extent
that we think we could outsmart God.
using man-made technology to predict the end of time.
and to prepare ourselves for it.

the truth is, we can't.
even Jesus do not know the time of rapture.
so can we really prepare?
did the bible tell us to prepare storage for treasures?

no. the bible only tells us to be ready for the time to come.
ready not in terms of material-preservations.
but ready in our hearts, the one and only thing
that we can and ought to preserve!

are we ready for the time to come?
or are we just 'waiting' for the time to come?
will we only say the sinner's prayer at the last moment
in efforts to 'book a spot' in Heaven?

thank God, that He is a just God, and not just a God.
a Judge who needs no statements of case and defence.
He is the all-knowing God, who knows beyond the exterior.
He sees within..

so will last minute prayers work?
i don't know.
but it is really a matter of grace and discipline.
do rmb, God is gracious, at the same time, righteous!

dear Lord, i thank You for giving us a natural warning system.
an emotion that could detect pain, and avert from the worse.
and many warnings that You've gently given us..
we want to cling onto You!

thank You for choosing us.
thank You for assuring us that all would fade away,
but Your word will still remain.
dis day, carve your words in our hearts, Lord God Almighty!

in Your Son's gracious name we ask,
amen.

ireallywant.

haf you ever wished that you've the ans to everything?
in dis scenario, i wish i had..

but i know in some scenarios,
i'd rather not haf the ans..

nay, O fickle being!

what is yours?

and so again, i was on the west-bound train to work.
clutching a book in my hands,
wif wondering eyes and thoughts,
i looked out of the window and pondered upon a particular thought.

some of you might know,
that come 1jan10,
i'll be jobless.
naturally, fiscal concerns arose.

"the Lord will provide in times of need,
in His perfect will and timing."
and as i was trying to be assured by that thought
something else interjected.

it seemingly sounded like a loud disclaimer:
"in His eyes, not yours."
wow. that struck me!
and then i began to follow the trail of my thoughts.

what if God provides,
and gave me a sucky job wif sucky management and pay?
will i be thankful?
will i even acknowledge that its a gift from Him?

and that disclaimer clarified who i really was within.
a term said a tad too many times since ytd,
"self-interest of selflessness".
in this regard, i could reckon it was my self-interest.

i rmb quite a long time ago,
i was conversing wif one of my non-christian friend.
and she said,
"what makes you think heaven is a nice place?"

"what makes you think that whatever God likes, i'll like?"
"what makes you think that whatever you think is nice,
i'd think its nice?"
so is heaven really a nice place? or are christians in denial?

den suddenly, a rainbow came to mind.
and i asked her in return,
"are there any things on dis earth that you'd find, nice?"
"are rainbows nice?"

she pondered for a while and said,
"who wouldn't think rainbows are nice?
it seems like each time a rainbow appears,
a miracle has just taken place."

"there you haf it." i replied in glee.
anything you can conceive that is nice on dis earth,
was preconceived by the same God who made the heavens.
sometimes, its just our rebellious nature to deny beauty."

likewise, i constantly questioned
"what if God's perfect plan isn't perfect for me?"
is it still perfect?
i'd say that is our problem, not His.

the question shouldn't be asked as the abovementioned,
instead it should read,
"why do i think of myself higher than God who IS perfect?"
do i love and trust Him enough?

after reading 2 more pages,
i got distracted by yet another thought..
a recollection of what a friend told me in the past,
"my parents rich, doesn't mean i'm rich what."

many times we often look at what we don't haf,
instead of what we already haf, right?
like in this case for example,
my friend's family is quite well to do.

living in a landed property wif a couple of cars,
fully-furnished crib,
a healthy family outlook
filled with joy and love and harmony.

but yet, lamenting the fact that his/her allowance are meager.
the inability to buy certain things due to his/her limited spending power.
how the traveling was nearby,
as opposed to his/her peers who travels to europe etc..

seemingly forgetting in totality,
the fact that he/she could come home to a beautiful environment,
the security and love splurged on him/her.
is he/she rich?

in my friend's eyes, maybe not.
but where he/she lives and wears,
are provided by the family
and not by his/her own ability.

like God assures us in His word,
that we might share in His glorious splendour.
whatever is His, is ours.
but to what extent do we believe that?

must we haf our nametag on every item,
in order for us to claim ownership over it?
to what extent would we go,
to pursue something that we could rightly say its ours?

are there things in our lives that belong to us,
even though we did not work for it?
it just belongs to us, coz of our birthright?
well at least for one, we've salvation given to us coz He called us..

only You know.

my heart, my desire
is to see my peers worship
my cry, my prayer
is to see Your children worship You.

choice?

it seems clear now,
i wish you all the best from here.
take care now,
i know the Lord will watch over you..

another amazing acapella!

conference photos!

some of you might know,
last monday and tuesday i'd been busy at sentosa!
for a conference co-organised by my company.
it was beautiful man!

dis hotel we were at was 5+ star (since there's no 6 star)
it is called 'Capella'.
the rooms, i tell you..
damn nice la! likewise, the cost is damn nice too!

dis is the front of the hotel.

sheila, jun and me

uncle boo shaking the senior minister's hand,

wif my bosses looking on.

and that's the senior minister,

Mr Ho Peng Kee

dis was at the dinner.

the sapphire pavilion..

(which is also the venue for zouk out)

the string quartet during dinner

charlene (philippines) & marisha (indonesia)

lawyers whom i'm closer wif.

the dining venue

sapphire pavilion (indoors)

that's me, sazali and the girls!

from left standing: beets, rena, sazali

from left stting: carol, tini, flora

me and one of my ex colleague

from left sitting: henny (wif lovells law firm now) & beets

dis was at the end of the conference!

celebrating my CEO, minn's bday.

toasting to higher case loads bla bla bla..

that french guy beside me?

he's the same age as me.

the difference btw asians and europeans? vast.

and dis is the whole secretariat

wif uncle boo joining us for the celebration as ex-CEO.

we all looked happy huh?

or rather, i looked happy in those pics huh?

hmm..

i wish to think and be so too.

oh well.

right season.

not too long ago,
at the ccr's 20th anniversary.
our archbishop, dr john chew has amongst other things,
reminded or rather, reaffirmed us of a keypoint.

there is a season for everything..
should ccr be given this current church building 20 yrs ago,
we would not have been able to handle it.
all things unfold in the perfect timing of God's, isn't it?

and today,
i've come to realise how 'unready' i am.
in a few areas in my life,
i've groaned about the things or position i didn't haf.

but i think the Lord has been always so faithful,
taught me in the gentlest way possible,
that i wasn't ready for any of what i haf today
if it wasn't bestowed on me a yr back..

be it a position in my office,
or a want for a girlfriend.
be it a slot for speaking at a seminary in church,
or a worship leading opportunity.

i admit that there were pockets of moments
whre pride got the better of me.
but God knew that it wouldn't be too pretty
to see me get lost in a bigger-sized shoe.

now that i've come to the last lap of my corporate self,
a stint which i'd confess, a tad too early..
taking a following break of 3 yrs to do some studying,
and prepare myself for the next season of 'slaying-the-dragon'.

an imminent barrier unfolded itself recently,
when the fiscal worry smacked right into the back of my head.
how am i gonna survive without a job for the next 3 yrs?
do i really hafta work and study simultaneously?

through dis 2 yrs out here,
the Lord has showed me wondrous ways that He can provide.
and dis time round, wif those experiences in mind,
my heart tells me its gonna be tough, but my head tells me to fret not.

i've been keeping my options open,
and will continue to do so..
in the mean time,
i'm, i've been and i will be blessed by my Father!