bee.

don't we all give up at a certain point?
after pumping in so much effort,
so much time, so much tears and pain!
we find ourselves battered, don't we?

dis morning as i was plucked in,
i stood at my usual fav spot,
where i face the train door and haf an exclusive
panel to view the outside world while commuting.

and so, i stood there and usually i was alone.
but today, i had a friend!
it was a bee.
it must haf lost its way and flew into the train..

so being a MAN,
i decided to be calm and composed.
you can imagine,
me standing abt 2 feet away from the door wif the bee!

being an insect of its size,
the brain can't be all that creative..
anything that looks like the surroundings,
it would assume that to be an opening to its liberty.

but obviously not.
so to much of its surprise,
it is flapping so hard,
but yet finding itself only moving up and down and not forward!

it really tried v hard, and seemingly in a systematic manner.
it would flap so hard that moving upwards is inevitable.
and when it reaches my forehead's height,
it'd fall to my waist height again.

so it wasn't all that pleasant,
having a bee to be hovering around your frontal
in an enclosed pocket of space
early in the morning..

but nonetheless, i composed myself.
looking seemingly intrigued by it..
and so the train progresses from pasir ris to kembangan
and the bee vacillates from desmond's waist to head to waist again.

finally at kembangan,
it found itself exhausted.
barely clinging on to the latch of the window panel,
looking as though its enjoying the scenery of its last moments..

dis time, i was really tempted to take out a piece of tissue,
and squish it!
it was the best opportune time and chance,
to prevent any further distress.

but i didn't.
i thought maybe i should see how it survives in the tunnel!
MUAHAHHAHAA!
so i left it as it is, drained and discouraged.

but pple who takes train often and far enough
would know that the train door opening switches sides at raffles place.
so from pasir ris to tanjong pagar,
the opening door has always been behind me.

only until raffles place,
it'll open at my side.
but will soon revert to behind me starting from tanjong pagar again!
so i thought, dis might be a breakthrough for the bee..

we're finally in the tunnel.
but the bee found a new strength at bugis!
it started its vertical routine again,
dis time it seems pissed..

and the pisser it gets, the pisser i get!
and true enough, it flew right pass me at city hall!
rmb, i was plucked in.
i could almost hear "HOW DO YOU PPLE GET OUT?!" as it flew past.

it brushed across my ear and i had no choice,
but to shake my head profusely like i'm in a trance!
damn.
but even more sadly, the bee flew to the other side..

the door was gonna open on my side, rmb?
but dis time, its raffles place.
the bee's nvr gonna get out..
due to its impatience and frustration.

such a pity, i thought.
if only the bee knew it was dis close to liberation.
what a sad ending,
if only the bee knew that the tunnel was only 5 stations.

many times we're like that, aren't we?
we're so limited in our understanding and view.
pale in comparison wif God's infinite plan and wisdom..
we couldn't talk to the bee, but God can talk to us!

many times, when we're faced wif a difficulty.
a situation where it is unfathomable,
a crisis or a dark era where it seems totally unfair
and more often than not, too overwhelming for us to take.

if the bee would endure a lil longer,
trusting that there is definitely gonna be a way out.
the nature of the switch of sides for the doors,
would allow the patient bee to be free..

but it took matters into its hands,
and made its own situation a whole lot worse.
now, its more probable to die in the cabin,
then to ever harvest pollen on its hind legs again..

i often ask myself,
why does God enjoy seeing me in pain.
what joy does He really get,
and why would a merciful Father do dis to His beloved child.

but now i'm reminded by a whole new perspective.
if only we trust that He'll provide.
He WILL provide.
but do we trust Him enough?

or do we rather take things into our own hands,
when we face death?
"i'd rather die trying, than to die waiting."
are we like that?

Lord, i thank You for the bee reminder.
Father, i'm sorry for taking things into my own hands.
may You now, take me as You desire.
coz dis life i live, i live for You alone..

september22.

For we walk by faith, not by sight.

- 2 Corinthians 5:7

round and abt 5 yrs ago,
i rmb asking one of the church aunties,
des: does walking by faith means walking blindly?
i can't rmb her ans though..

maybe i was more interested in 'testing' her,
than to really seek an ans.
that could probably explain why
i couldn't rmb her ans more than the question i posed!

in any case,
my point is isn't to show how rebelliously inquisitve
a teen i was..
it was a genuine qn, that i sorta figured out by now.

is walking by faith simply walking blindly?
i would say not.
faith is something in which we believe in,
despite us not being able to see or explain it..

whereas walking blindly is more likely than not,
doing things on impulse, unmeditated.
"aiya, do alr den say."
that's walking blindly..

if we walk blindly,
we do not know where will our actions bring us.
but if we walk by faith,
we believe wif all confidence that we're gonna get there!

walking by faith is really not easy.
it is not a skill set to master,
nor is it an enlightenment to attain.
it is an advice, from the Teacher..

we can choose to heed it,
or we can choose to deny it.
in its context,
it was an encouragement, words of affirmation to the corinthians.

and even to us in today's context.
we ought to be prudent in our faith..
walk by faith, not blindly!
there is a thin line btw faith and gamble.

only when we're found to be truly rooted in His word,
that we can exude the confidence required by faith!
only when we're found related wif God,
that we can haf the confidence to rely on Him!

in corinthians, we're advised to walk while seeing
rather than walk after seeing.
we've to walk, before we can see the next scenery.
and not walk upon seeing the next scenery..

so let us continue to take meditated bold steps,
to see that the Lord is good and wif us!
and not be afraid and doubtful
that we only move when we see God's hand.

want one.

i want what i cannot want,
and i cannot want what i want!
why is one so hard to want
when all he wants is just that one.

september17.

Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto Myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.

John 14:1-3

as i diligently flipped my devotions calendar,
dis verses warm my heart as i commence the day.
i've heard too many sermons, or read too many verses
of Jesus coming back to judge, but not dis.

i could almost hear Jesus telling me that in person,
looking me in the eye
and gesturing wif his finger pointed Heavenward.
and wif utmost sincerity and love, He utters.

He did not tell me that He will come back like a thief,
He did not tell me that He is coming back to judge,
He did not tell me that He is going off,
at least not dis time..

He told me that He'll come back for me,
He told me that He's preparing a place specially for me,
He told me that He wants me to be where He is,
He told me that He's coming to fetch me Home..

i've a younger brother,
much younger than any conventional sibling-hood.
i could play the role of a brother and even of a father,
or i can play a role of a mentor and even a trusted friend.

and i know what it means when i tell him,
that i will come back for him.
and i would know whether he took me seriously,
and that he'd look forward to my return..

in retrospect, i figured..
that dis going and returning leaves me wif 2 options.
and it is entirely up to me,
to choose either scenario.

i know my Father leaves to prepare something for me,
dis gives me free time and space to do whatever i want.
in the first scenario,
i'd prefer to call it the good-boy scenario.

my dad leaves,
and i'm all alone.
i'd whip out my book and start reading,
making sure that i won't wander off.

and i will not make myself too comfortable wif the environment,
coz ultimately, i'm leaving.
and leaving won't be as hard compared to those of comfort.
so i stay focused and diligent to wait for my dad's return.

the other scenario is naturally,
the bad-boy scenario.
since i've the whole world to myself,
why not just see what i can do wif these 'toys'..

i climbed at the window to see what is it like out there,
not worried that i might fall off.
i get so comfortable wif the surroundings, thinking
"since i'm here, might as well be comfortable"

or even do something which dad has always warned me against.
since he's not here.
i'll just try and see what is so 'forbidden' abt it..
satisfy whatever cravings i haf which i cannot do wif parents around.

these 2 scenarios are real.
it is in fact happening in our lives..
where our Dad tells us that He'll prepare a place for us,
so that we can be comfortable when we get Home.

but now we're obviously living "in the meantime",
will we be a good boy, or a bad boy?
2 things that won't change in dis ever-changing world.
the world is temporary, and Dad's definitely coming back.

will our Dad come and find us waiting for Him in expectance,
or will He come and find that we're alr at "home".
we only haf dis lifetime to choose, or even shorter..
shall we try our best to be a good boy?

Father, i do not know when You're coming to bring me Home,
but i do know that You are coming back for sure.
Lord, help me to be diligent in my ways.
so that You may be pleased when You come and take me..

seasons?

i was procrastinating BIG TIME today,
to the extent of googling myself!
and i clicked on the friendster link,
my one and only social network..

yeah, and so i clicked it
and i chanced upon dis on my 'bulletin board',
or rather, facebookers would haf called it 'wall'.
such old posts!

Andrew.
Posted
02/27/2005 2:34 am
oo lah lah. i'm so grey i feel gay. andi'm love sick! oh fuck it. ha.

Andrew.
Posted
01/11/2005 10:58 am
crazy freaking fella! so damn mushy! read already can die of lovvvvveeeee man! haa, thanks for everything man. i won't tell anyone about last night. heh!!!

the accident happened so long,
and i pretty much forgot what andrew's lingo were.
these zits of vulgarities,
and his nonchalence that sometimes got him outta trouble!

it was 4 yrs ago,
and now i can easily count wif 2 hands,
the number of pple visiting him.
it is quite sad, isn't it?

as time passes,
pple forget, pple drift.
but as funny as it might seem,
memories somehow catches up wif us, don't they?

some might debate that it is seasonal,
others say time change pple change.
the only similarity is perhaps,
friends continue to be dropped along the way.

nothing to whine or complain abt, really.
just a tinge of sadness resonating within my nerves,
that good things or times
are bound to end, whether you like it or not.

as sad or pity it might seem,
i do know that these picking up and dropping off 'friendster'
are ordained by God..
and i guess you can put it as God's timing?

i don't know abt you,
but i really miss old times.
and one question remains unanswered in my head,
will i see you in Heaven?

right?

it takes alot to do the right things.
it takes alot of courage.
it takes alot of sacrifice.
it takes an awful lot of obedience..

dis time, i wanna do the right things.
and not just do things right.
i wanna obey Him,
not just okay Him.

Lord, help me get through dis.
Lord, help us get through dis.
it's not gonna be easy,
it has nvr been..

awakening.

again, i've slipped into my comfort zone
a tad too comfortable dis time..
just embarking on daily routines,
and pissing myself off at the slightest bit.

its funny how i always had dis lil tingly feeling in me
all these while.
that kinda whispers,
"do qt, pray, read the bible."

but i so conveniently chucked them aside,
shouting out in my head.
"ha! i know you can't do anything to me, thing!"
and carry on doing what i am doing..

but as the days go by,
i can literally feel my brain getting wasted.
my mind has turned into a more criticising matter
than a productive one!

for the past few weeks,
i'd been struggling so hard within my skin,
to control my temper,
to not get so easily irked up.

and i got so frustrated and pissed at myself for being like that.
hence, that explains the lack of posts and inspiration..
those who'd been hanging out wif me often enough,
would realise that i seem to haf changed.

and so ytd, i decided to put all else aside at abt 10.30pm.
i just lied on my bed,
facing the ceiling and my limbs forming a 'da'.
i got so sick and tired of myself..

and so for the first time in weeks,
i uttered aloud,
"Lord Father, please take me back?"
that's all..

and suddenly i felt a surge of peace and joy in me again!
suddenly, all of my commitments and burdens
seem to be lifted away.
most imptly of all, i feel refreshed again!

how awesome is our God, isn't He?
when you feel so lousy and tired abt ourselves,
He nvr sleeps, He nvr slumbers,
when we are weak, He becomes stronger!

it is really true.
nvr ignore the Holy Spirit!
nvr think so highly of yourself,
that you do not need God in your life, coz you do!

and how apt is it to quote,
a hungry soul is an angry soul.
i'd been so comfortable wif not reading the bible,
so comfortable wif not praying aloud.

and see what happens?
my soul was dry, my spirit was weak.
and naturally, the flesh reflects the parchness of my heart.
ahh, how sweet is the healing water..

for those who are find yourself drifting away,
i'm sure there are echoes in your heart and mind
reminding you to spend some time wif God,
spend some time nourishing your spirit..

my advice to you from experience,
heed it, not hide it.
as real as your flesh is,
your spirit is too!

come, Holy Spirit, fall on me now..

castles.

i wish i could wish.

anapology.

Lord, i'm sorry for what i've done.
may i plead for Your boundless grace.

Lord, i'm sorry for what i've done.
may You take dis guilt of shame away.

Lord, i'm sorry for what i've done.
may You bless me wif a pure heart once more.

Lord, i'm sorry for what i've done.
may i be filled with Your love again.

DEStruction.

what consumes you the most, is not the painful reality, but the unfounded lies you conjure in your mind.

- Desmond Hoo

uncertainty.

haf you ever felt weird inside you,
that somehow you just couldn't comprehend.
haf you ever felt angry inside you,
that somehow you just couldn't understand.

recently, in fact for quite a while now.
there's dis strange thing in me,
that pulls the frustration plug on my behalf,
almost so discreetly that its dangerous..

there has been a constant war waging from within.
an ambitious mind, in a bid to take control of the whole entity of desmond.
and a humble yet increasingly weaken brain and physical flesh,
trying to build a wall to protect its fort.

my flesh and intellect knows and reports to me constantly,
that it is pleasing to the Lord,
if i was slow to anger and slow to speak.
as much as my brain can tell, my body finds itself incapacitated.

i could at the very least prevent my tongue from spewing,
but my heart was pounding faster at each second i suppress.
and more often than not,
i'm forced to walk away from the prospective crime scene..

what haf i become?
i don't know..
what had i done?
i don't know..

all i know, is that i should seek help.
and help can only come from the Engineer who wired me.
He should be able to do some fault-finding and rectify it..
and to do that, it is only by praying.

it is albeit tiring, i'm thankful for dis lesson.
for i know dis is a glitch in me that seeks urgent attention,
before i start hurting anyone else unintentionally anymore..
and to prevent that, i shall seek help from a higher Authority.

Lord, be my guide.
may You be my Healer.
Father, i wanna serve You as i am.
give me clean hands, bless me wif a pure heart, abba Father..