gift?

when i came home,
my mum asked me candidly..
"hello, you're back?
eh, your bday coming leh. what you want?"

i just shrugged and said,
"don't know leh. no need anything la, really."
and then i went back to my room.
but it got me thinking until now..

what do i want?
what do i really want?
can i really haf what i want?
can it even be a gift?

and i sincerely asked myself what i want..
its funny how the first things that came to my mind,
weren't a honda integra and an eeepc.
those were among the last few more 'normal' wishlist items.

what i really want are these:

1. my sister to be able to get into a scheduled uni
2. my brother to get into a good sec sch
3. me to get into smu after unisim
4. for HOF to grow not only in numbers but in spirit
5. me to be understood, if not, at least not being maligned
6. me to express myself effectively and not stumble others
7. that being a christian be easier
8. friends who understand and not judge me
9. friends who give me space, but not leave me alone
   

can all these really be given?

writing.

When something can be read without effort, great effort has gone into its writing.

- Enrique Jardiel Poncela

lately, i'd been thinking of my next step.
which is probably studies..
and it is without a doubt,
that essay writing is gonna be a big part of my training.

and wif a setback recently,
i've decided to go back to the basics.
i went as far as to google,
"how to write a good essay"

and the quote above caught my attention
as i peruse through the articles written by pple.
i'm really quite excited abt studies..
although i'm constantly telling myself to slow down.

there had been enough examples and testimonies,
that effort and hardwork isn't directly proportionate to results.
but before signing up for dis course,
i told myself the purpose of studies. interest, not recognition.

so as long as i learn the beauty and technicalities of communications,
i think i've scored a 1st class.
whether or not i ultimately get a 1st class,
would be entirely God's decision..

as i embark on my next milestone next year,
i pray that i'll be diligent.
that i'll still be persevering despite the many setbacks
and criticisms that lie ahead..

kempatei, lesmong!
(is that how you spell it alvan?)

art of worship.

i'm sorry for the things i've made it,
when its all abt You.
its all abt You Jesus..
i wanna go back to the heart of worship.

dis conundrum i find myself entangled in,
mentally degenerating, mentally frustrating.
i wish i could share,
but i guess my best bet would be the air.

sometimes, maybe just sometimes,
i made some choices, which lands me wif no choice.
maybe now, but i beckon nvr,
that i find myself in spiritual stammer.

how often does such happen to me?
to me it seem to haf clocked perfect timing.
but to others, no doubt,
one time too many, too often.

as sad as death of a loved one,
most of us tend to shun away
or in a secular context, backstab the one particular
rather than going to him and ask if anything is bothering.

it is a painful experience to trudge through,
but his friends made it 10 times more painful.
often we find ourselves asking "what did i do?",
why not we try asking, "what haf i not done yet?"

then again, expectations were intended to spur.
once that intention is blurred,
it conveniently converts the spur to judgement.
almost too grey for one to discern..

ahh, Lord, i'm trying so hard
to go back to You.
coz my mind tells me its all abt You,
but my heart's too broken to reconcile such.

it is beyond my reach now, Lord.
it is beyond my reach now.
Father, would Your loving arms
reach out to me in tender mercy again..

i've waded too far into the unknown,
too dark for my comfort.
Lord Jesus, would You guide me out
of dis dark dark arena.

when.

you know your office is too cold when:

1. your snickers bar left on the table is a tad-too-hard for a braced grown man to bite on.
2. you type 'demons' instead of 'desmond' more than 5 times daily.
3. you shiver the 2nd second you take your hands out of your pocket.
4. you feel cold on your upper lip when you inhale, and still feel cold on your upper lid when you exhale.
5. you find it so difficult to move your fingers as you type.
6. your finger nails are turning purple.
7. the tap water feels like boiling water.
8. your tea gets cold under half an hour.
9. ants crawling across your table exceptionally slowly and evidently not as agile, as though screaming out to you "squash me if you want, i don't care anymore!".
10. you quiver as you see the trees outside your office swaying.

i'm literally working in a fridge!
its interior is white everywhere and its cold everywhere,
and i don't think its because the building is previously known
as the 'White House', seriously.

rarely rally.

i made an extra effort to watch the rally last night!
and i'd say i didn't regret a bit of it..
though many would reckon that rally's boring,
but i begged to differ.

maybe because i'm partially in dis sector,
i'm particularly intrigued at the way the PM coined his words,
and how he tactfully handled the epic touche topics,
religiosity and harmony..

he quipped, inter alia, a parable which i thought made some sense.
and it goes as such.

a woman has 4 children of different religion.
a christian, buddhist, jew and muslim..
which child would she love most?
it was an impossible qn.

but it has a sound answer to that.
if she had to choose which child to love more,
she'd choose the child who cares and respects his/her other siblings more.
that, i thought was prudent.

commandment no. 2 reminds us to love our neighbours.
love does not condone exclusiveness, does it?
love does not judge and think its self-righteous, does it?
for full definition, refer to 1 Cor 13..

although it is sad when PM mentioned that the government,
in order to be fair and working,
has to remain secular.
but i gave it some thought, and concurred.

God didn't put christians in just one country.
He didn't only make Christians, He made humans..
He made us all equal,
and there definitely isn't one supreme race cited by hitler.

and we're placed in a community.
we're not made to live in solitude in a faraway mountain..
we're placed where we are,
so that we who are called, can be his light!

we need not be radical and rebellious.
neither do we need to be exclusive, nor judgemental.
there is a difference btw being called to be different,
and being difficult and stiff-necked.

as much as we promote ethical religious values,
we must always love the sinner, hate the sin.
and by hating the sin,
we need not provoke and judge the sinner in the midst of it.

i guess as christians,
being tactful requires the spirit of discernment.
it is not easy,
but it is not impossible, in fact, it is essential to be effective!

we're called to be different, not indifferent.
so let us not form judgements in our heads,
when we see a behaviour or an act we detest.
but let us intercede in our heads, each time we see a difference.

modern day commandments?

Here’s what the 10 commandments might look like:

1. no1 b4 me. srsly.
2. dnt wrshp pix/idols
3. no omg’s
4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)
5. pos ok – ur m&d r cool
6. dnt kill ppl
7. :-X only w/ m8
8. dnt steal
9. dnt lie re: bf
10. dnt ogle ur bf’s m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.

M, pls rite on tabs & giv 2 ppl.

ttyl, JHWH.

ps. wwjd?

in moderation.

i'm sure all of us haf seen movements of water.
be it a trickle,
or a splash.
it is no stranger to us, is it?

as i was bathing,
a train of thought came trudging into my head.
at first, it was pertaining to evangelism..
and den i realised it could be applied in mentorship as well.

"information overload"
we've heard or seen dis phrase
a tad too many times.
it kinda makes sense, but we somehow insist our ways.

a drop of water travel a further way,
in comparison wif a splash.
we wouldn't wanna just clock as many pple we talked to,
than going in depth in r/s wif one new believer.

sometimes, we being impatient beings
tend to just pour out our years of bible knowledge
and christian experiences to new or non believers.
and den move on to the next person..

simply because its easier to splash than to trickle!
wif a splash, we cover a big surface area.
but nvr going far.
and it dries up quick enough..

but it takes an awful lot of patience and love
to slowly and consistently channel water onto the same track.
where water is 'dripped' at the same spot,
letting water find its way through a disciplined line.

and once the 'path' is paved,
water will find that its much easier to travel through,
and wif that, it can travel even further,
not having to worry that the path it left behind will dry up.

likewise, when we're patient enough to 'walk through' wif them
we won't need to be afraid that they'll haf shallow faith, would we?
so let us press on to serve them,
in patience and humility and wisdom.

in tandem.

the first week into august,
was really quite a-gust!
been busy wif office shifting,
and a few other stuffs.

each morning i wake up at 7 wif body aches,
and i can't remember if i even exercised!
quite obviously, my english has deproved.
maybe coz i haven't been reading or talking much.

but i was privileged to catch the NDP
at the balcony of the muncipal building at city hall!
the famous balcony where presidents and ministers stand
to do their signature waves and rallies at elections and chingays.

i saw the marchpast and the fireworks,
not having to crowd wif smelly pple
nor a certain rowdy race in the midst.
it was splendid..

as the contingents marched through,
i suddenly had some thoughts striking in my head.
the contingents were lined up,
seemingly in accordance wif their discipline level..

the colour-party was the undisputed contingent
wif the most synchronised and pride marching.
followed by the best unit in SAF,
the red-berets and so on.

and as i was enjoying the marchpast,
and reminiscing the times when i was marching,
i had a bittersweet feeling within me.
there's just something abt drills and uniformity i guess?

some of you would've known,
that i've been in a uniformed group even before my voice broke!
and drills had nvr been more natural in my gait.
i just loved to see drills and do drills..

and as the contingents parade past,
suddenly, i was reminded of how God might view us.
amidst all the discipline and rigidity,
there was always the big picture to salvage our dirty linen.

as much as the contingents were intended to be in line, in step,
there're bound to be some pple wif faster steps,
slower steps, lower armswing, sloppy armswings, etc..
but it still looked beautiful, isn't it?

a saw the contingent as a body.
like our body-in-Christ.
each of us had a part to play..
and each of us are of a uniform responsibility.

there are different soldiers of different ranks,
and different appointments.
but they're in a contingent,
from the same unit, or the same discipline, they're the same!

unless one or two jokers try to out-perform others,
the contingent will be seen as one.
isn't it like our church?
a church, seen as a body?

we all haf different 'ranks' in our expertise,
or different appointments in our service in different ministries,
we're still ONE.
and God doesn't see how we excel individually, but as one.

like how i don't particularly notice a certain man's armswing,
i'd view the contingent as one in tandem!
so our role in church is nvr to out-do or compete wif one another,
but to do our part, so that the CHURCH can be in tandem.

likewise, we're not better than one another,
neither are we worse than one another.
we're made the same,
albeit wif different gifts and personalities..

i think service to God is not all that individualistic, is it?
serving as one, is a service too!
our parts to play are important.
in fact, it is crucial.

i've heard too many pple say dis to me,
"today's games damn sian. don't feel like going."
yet, when the same person plans the next event,
"wah, i hope pple would turn up.."

see how selfish we can be?
support is also a form of service and edification to the body!
how we support and encourage others who planned,
sometimes, just being there is alr a blessing to the organiser..

so let us be ONE,
doing our own small part.
let our service, big or small,
be a worship to God, be a service to church, shall we?

breakingpoint.

how many more times, God?
just, how many more?

r/s.

is God,
the One whom i praise and edify,
my pen pal,
or my Father?

there's a difference, isn't there?
we do love our pen pals too,
if we even haf one, that is..
we love our pen pals too, but only to a certain extent.

an extent where we've free reign of our 'writing efforts'.
when we feel like it, we write.
when we don't, we don't.
he's so far away anyways..

or is He my Father,
whom i claim Him to be.
that He is close to me,
mentally and metaphorically.

who accepts me for who i am,
even though sometimes we disagree.
who still IS my Father,
even though sometimes we get angry at each other.

do i share the same surname as jesus?
do i only love Him when i feel like it?
is there really an identity in Him?
who am i, really..

bon appetit.

as i skillfully balance the mcdonald's tray in my right,
my eyes were on a lookout for a nice spot, al-fresco.
it wasn't difficult thought,
and i got to my seat early..

i know i'm one of the few in my social circle,
to still haf the luxury of having a saturday morning breakfast
in the CBD area.
and i was abt to enjoy what i'd call 'once-in-a-bluemoon-breakfast'.

as i looked at my watch,
and sauntered out of the quiet gantry at city hall.
i figured i had enough time for a relaxing breakfast,
and to embark on my favourite hobby, people-watch.

there were roughly a handful of commuters at macs dis morning,
the one which is usually packed on a weekday morning at city hall.
as i plunged my teeth into the soft and savoury sausage mcmuffin,
my eyes remained flickering, and watching.

there were a few characters that caught my morning gaze though.
and my mind started to 'blog'.
words and structures of 4 lines began to form,
and trust me. my brain isn't functioning well anymore!

dis version that you're reading now,
is the rough and crude version.
i'm sorry,
that is another reason why i should invest in a laptop!

so anyways, i classified these 'breakfast-rangers' into 2.
one, i'd call them 'seasoned-brangers'.
where you can tell that they've been eating alone
almost half their lives!

esp for the white-skinned,
they're seriously the most cool kinda seasoned brangers man!
c'mon, picture dis imagery wif me.
you'll find it so heartwarming.

a bald white man,
propped wif his oakleys.
wearing a tight-fitted renoma tee,
and a board shorts, wif his few-grand bicycle parked behind him.

flipping through the pages of a magazine or even a book,
and sipping his hot beverage intermittently.
looking up once in a while,
to make sure he still has his location in check..

how cool is that!
seemingly not bothered wif what's around,
enjoying the nature's greet of 'good morning!',
how awesome is that!

and so wif that imagery in mind,
i tried to emulate it.
after putting down my tray,
i pulled out my reader's digest and started flipping through.

but i realised that i'm still a typical desmond,
looking up more often than i should be looking down, reading.
not because i was constantly paranoid abt my geography,
but i was too drawn to people-watch in such a lovely setting!

so i decided to stop trying,
and flicked that imagery outta my wandering mind.
if there were other critical people-watchers like me,
they'd see me and think, "ha, loser! wanna act atas but cannot focus."

now the 2nd type of lone-brangers
is what i'd call 'shit-what-if-my-friend-sees-me-eating-alone-brangers'.
they're ALWAYS on a look out!
and you'll usually catch them munching before even sitting down.

gulping their orange juice even before their mouth is half-empty.
looking at their watches at each mouthful they take.
more likely than not,
you'll see them hunching in a corner.

these are the kinds who don't usually eat alone,
and would rather not eat at all if they had no partners for lunch.
if they're really hungry, the most risk they'd take
is to go out and da-ba something and scurry back to the pantry.

hmm, i've a friend who is seemingly ultra confident in herself.
each time i talk to her,
she exudes such self-confidence and persona.
but she doesn't eat alone! hor, p?

so i wouldn't say the latter type is low in self-confidence,
neither would i say the latter type is just shy.
maybe they just don't like to eat alone?
or maybe they just don't like to be caught eating alone?

but it was sucha great morning, isn't it?
as the land and sea changes its shift to provide wind.
and as the gentle sun rays bounce off your lathered skin,
ahh, what a great outdoor.

maybe one day, you should try it.
just get a book,
go to somewhere which is well-known for its weekday-busyness.
go on a saturday, its really a great blessing to just chill..

Lord, i thank You for sucha great day You've allowed me to enjoy.
Father, even though i don't deserve it,
You've blessed me wif it.
Lord, i thank You dis wonderful morning. amen!