bitterSWEET.

long story short,
dis wk's crap!

if u're really interested,
ask me personally.
dramatized version upon request.

key thing that
i wanna share wif u guys is this.

i've been awarded with 4 extra duties.
again, for something that i didn't do.
i was serving one of my extra duties then.
suddenly, a check was done.

and my guys were caught slping.
at first, they were given some punishments.
but apparently,
they're not happy and went to
higher authorities.

now, the commanders.
which are us!
gets punished too!
for what?
for not giving them instructions.

and guess what?
my guys are enjoying the thought
that their commanders are punished
just like how they are.

feeling guilty for their mistakes?
NO!
feeling sorry for their commanders?
NO!

WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DO?!?
anybody can hear me out there?

as i pondered, and sulked..
afterall, i just finish serving my punishment,
now come another one.
how to swallow it wif ease right?

as i was on the bus back home.
was wondering what's there
that God wants to tell me thru dis.

Jesus died for pple who hated Him,
pple who didn't believe in Him,
pple who love Him,
pple who denied Him.

must haf felt like shit,
DYING for pple u don't like.
for pple u think who're not worth it.
for pple who'll laugh at ur leadership,
or rather, ur stupidity.

Oh Lord,
i pray that You'll bless me
with double portions of grace.
enough to dissolve my pride,
and to live like how You would have.
without You,
i really cannot find motivation.
be my motivation, Oh Father.
i thank You for Your inspirations!
in Jesus, name i pray.
Amen!

amazing.

as i was cycling,
on dis road there stood a little girl.
clad in her pre-school uniform,
the familiar blue.

back facing me and walking ahead,
looking as though she's focusing
on something adults can't comprehend.

really amazing to see,
how much trust she gave pple around her.
who're cycling, running.
that she just cross the road,
without looking back
to check for the sector clear..

and when they're focused,
they seldom look back,
or even look elsewhere.
and just move towards it.

Jesus likes child-like prayers.
right?
is that what He's trying to tell me?
to not look back,
and haf trust and faith.
that one day i'll just reach the finishing line,
regardless of the many falls,
i'm abt to encounter.

amazing isn't it?
God speaks,
even thru 2 seconds situations,
like that?

what do i hafta complain abt?
and whine abt
God not speaking to me.
or was i not attentive enough?

thank God for dis
special and real encounter,
i had wif Him dis late morning!

funny, as i search dictionary.com
for the word, "thank you"
and in translations.
in italian, its grazie.
in spanish, its gracias.
in french, its merci.

somehow, "grace" and "mercy"
keeps yelling out to me!
hahaha!
so i guess,
there's really alot
to thank God for.
to start off with,
for His grace and mercy!

Yihiyeh Tov!

square1.

many times i lie on my back,
and pondered..
what is it abt u?
what is it that took my breath away?

often i couldn't ans myself,
often i got lost inside.
so what is it all abt?
what's dis sweet feeling all abt?

7 months ago,
i saw u,
for the first time my heart skipped.
butterflies unleashed,
fluttering in the hollows of my body.

7 months later,
today..
i see u,
i smiled and looked at u,
in admiration and awe!

what we've gone thru
for the past months,
God had indeed blesssed me.
wif a helper
so lovely, so gentle.

i guess some things,
are just unanswerable,
are just innate.

nothing had changed,
nothing's gonna change.
for both situations,
and my rugged insights,
that i thought i'll discard.

now i hold them,
as dearly as i can.
for as surely as God lives.

joy.

back of her head,
lies layers of worries.

deep in her heart,
lies an anchorage of anxiety.

lens of her eyes,
shows tears of joy.

lips of my queen,
stretches a tender loving smile.

my mum,
an all-time inspiration of love.
though not comparable to Jesus'
but to me,
that's enough to keep me going.

though right now,
her greatest worry is her scan results.
but i know that God
has a plan for her.
and thru her,
a plan for me as well?

Oh Lord,
i pray for an opportunity.
for me to reach out to my folks.
they're dear to me,
and dear to You as well.

i pray that You'll unveil their eyes,
and reveal Your awesome Self to them.
that they may see that You live!
in Jesus' name,
Amen!

hardest.

wondered when's the hardest time
to focus on God?
its the time of blessings,
that is the hardest time to focus on God.

as i sat and did my qt,
i was reminded..
despite my joy and blessings,
God shall still be my focus!

without Him,
what do i haf?
without Him,
what am i boasting abt?

You are the greatest thing
that happened in my life.
Your love turned my life around,
without You, i'm nothing at all.

keep my divine eyes on You,
always.
and nvr let me stray from u,
again.

as i con't to wade my way thru,
i pray that You'll hold my hand,
and nvr let me go..

in You, i abide.
in You, i rest.
thru You, Jesus i pray.
Amen!

ilubictu.

horizon stays beautiful,
scenes of love kept passing through.
fuel in me is running low,
but the end of road don't seem to glow..

cruising down the countryroad,
wif only u and u alone.
how badly i want your tiny hand,
still can't help but foil my plan.

this i locked it in my heart,
something which i'll soon discard.
holding on to You my Dear,
losing u is my only fear.

now i commit my life to You,
just as how i've promised You.
in You, encased my only trust,
Lord, i pray that soon it'll pass.

timetothink.

i love long runs.
gives u ample time to think,
trains ur body and mind.
fixing ur eyes on the finishing line,
persevering in ur head.

and when u think abt it,
its actually v much similar in life.
isn't it?

we're faced wif many mental barriers,
in our compulsory race
that God had set for us,
to complete!

are we gonna just give up?
or persevere till the end?
to enjoy the fruit/prize
that the Lord set for us..

despite the aches in my calfs,
and my thighs.
i'm satisfied, and hungry!
both in spirit and body!!
if u know what i mean..

personalities?

an indian colleague looked at me,
sipped his beer and sniggered.
as he utters,
"desmond, u got the damn holy face sia."
HAHAHHA!

like what kind of a face,
is a holy face?
den a thought flashed in my mind.
Weiming once said,
"desmond, u walk like a gangster sia!"
HAHAHHA!

okay, so now what makes me?
a holy gangster?
or rather, a holy-faced gangster?

just damn funny how pple comment.
and that would bring me back
to my username of dis blog.
"Am I me?"

when i was struggling wif my identity,
as a growing adolescent,
to a maturing christian,
where i struggle wif my identity,
dis time in Christ.

so come to think of it,
we struggle wif identity
somehow or rather.
no matter how old,
how mature, how rich
or how successful.

there'll be dis nostalgic pit-stop
which labelled,
"Who Am I?"
really.

reminded.

the first angel,
that was thrown out of heaven.
was a worship leader.
the prince of music.

why?
simply because of pride.

God, i thank You
for Your gentle reminder.
without You,
i'm just dust..
Amen!

mixedup.

some of u might know,
i had a rough 2 weeks.
don't hafta go thru the gritties here.
if u're really interested,
ask me!=)

but what haf i learnt from these?
i asked myself,
who's there, when i was alone?
who's there to ask me "how's my wk?"
who's there to say "c'mon des! endure!"

when head deep,
i know the ans,
"yeah, God's there."

but deep down in my heart,
do i really buy that thought?
do i really believe in Him?
i doubt it.

i guess spending my 1st 2 working wks in camp
serving my extra duties,
was painful, but worth it.

revealed my shallow faith,
and it showed what really drives me.
the motivation within me,
overpowering the "calling"
that God called me to be.

the selfish desires,
drowning what's to be of utmost importance.
i've sinned.

but i thank God truly,
for letting me haf the priviledge to book out dis wk.
that i can avail myself to serve
as a worship leader as planned.

and how shameful,
to be sensitive only when i'm on duty.
only when i'm forced to "be sensitive" to Him.

i guess dis 2 wks,
was God-planned.
specially for me,
to wake up to my senses..

it must be.
it must be..

Oh gracious Lord,
i thank You once again.
You've honoured your servant,
and pulled him back to the path.
without Your divine intervention,
i'll still be in my tattered dreams.
Father, i thank You.
You're all i need,
indeed..
in Jesus name'
i praise,
Amen!

youthful?

as i was pondering..
suddenly a flash of vision came to mind.

a group of my youths,
in a gathering..
some smoking, some drinking, some chatting.

i was sad deep within.
i felt so helpless,
felt so angry.

yet, there's dis part of me saying,
"u're not superman."

youths are youths.
some will dabble wif fire,
some will not.

some will wanna try everything,
knowing that they'll get burned.
some will advise and fall into the same trap.
and now, it becomes a trend.

yeah, i know dis post is a lil mixed-up.
prolly a scatterbrain is what i am now?

but as i was thinking,
there's dis encouragement,
from somewhere within.

"your arms are only dis long,
your strength is only dis much.
Cast your cares upon the Lord and be liberated.
before u run dry,
drink from the stream of life.
and nvr run dry.."