desire.

a heart that follows hard after thee.

sinned.

i was weak,
i was tempted.
above all that,
i gave in to temptation..

i used to think consequences were one-off atonement.
because of the influence of the world today,
even in the judiciary..
consequences are often construed as a sentence.

with my foolishness,
i used to think consequences are quenched by atonement.
with my ignorance,
i tried to use leniency to mitigate the price due..

like king david, who consequently wrote psalm 51
was going through dis exact same situation i find myself in.
he was tempted by beersheba..
lust led to guilt, which led to cover up and finally murder.

i find myself trying to cover up my sins,
by hoping and praying and devising my own leniency.
in a bid for self-righteousness and pride,
i covered up over and over.

james summarized the consequence of sin.
it reads in james 1:14,
"... but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire,
he is dragged away and enticed."

it goes on in verse 15,
"then, after desire has conceived,
it gives birth to sin; and sin when full grown,
gives birth to death."

so after all that david has done to cover up,
the consequence meted by nature was an illegitimate pregnancy.
and when david realises that he has no more options but to plead,
he pleaded that God would at least spare the child.

as we all know, prophet nathan heard from God and told david,
that the child will surely die.
so being so guilty and miserable, david continued to fast and petition.
but to no avail..

through these all,
in reference to psalm 51,
i've learnt from david as well,
that i've sinned against God and only to Him..

if only i had the clarity of mind,
and was disciplined and in tuned wif the Holy Spirit earlier.
these wouldn't haf happened.
but in any case, regret breeds no good ending..

and once king david received news that the child died once delivered,
he rose up from his fast and led his life once again.
dis time, he knows that God has forgiven him,
and death has alr taken place, time to move on.

and so the story goes,
david took beersheba as his concubine,
and the next son, which is solomon
was made king over israel after david.

so after all these, what needs to be learnt?
first and foremost, hear and obey.
do not be enticed and sin,
because sin causes death, inevitably..

Lord, save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me.
and my tongue will sing of Your righteousness.
haf mercy upon me..

Lord, thank You for teaching me,
that the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit.
and broken spirit and a contrite heart,
You will not despise..

jehovah jireh.

dis is my testimony,
that i wanna burst out sharing wif you!
first and foremost,
God is amazing, steady and unchanging!

some of you might know that i'm not working now,
so since there's no input fiscally,
somehow someday, resources will deplete.
today, was a day of ups and downs..

i shall leave the nitty gritties to private conversations,
so if you wanna know,
you can come up to me or msn me k?
so here goes.

i was really broke, like really.
there isn't even enough to withdraw at all..
and i thought i had it all planned out,
i forgot my ezlink and hp bills are by giro.

so got deducted and i forgot to take into account!
both my wallet and bank are dry.
the last time i was dis broke,
was when i was in sec 4, 8 yrs ago..

so, i spent my last dollars buying my siblings lunch.
and came home, contemplating if i should ask from my parents.
you know after not asking allowance from them for so long,
somehow its just really hard to approach them for allowance again?

i hesitated, and asked God.
if it was my pride that He wants me to curb..
so i contemplated on,
and left the matter as it is.

somehow i could feel a tug within me,
"trust Me.."
and since 8 yrs ago,
i didn't hafta worry abt finances at all.

not that i'm some rich kid,
but money always come!
and so, i was thinking abt how am i gonna survive further.
and i prayed, "i will place my faith in You, Father."

so after sch, i was really famished.
i went to the 7-eleven and bought stuff
wif the remains in my bank.
and when i reach the counter, i was astonished.

the cashier told me,
"oh, dis sausage bun is on offer, buy 1 get 1 free."
i was so super happy, i almost teared!
so i paid and went to take another one.

and when i came home,
there lies 20 bucks on my table! mysteriously!
just when my mum popped into my room,
i asked if it was her who gave me 20 bucks.

she said she don't know any 20 bucks i'm talking abt!
and up till now, i cannot figure out who left the money.
i tried to do the math.
my dad doesn't give me money like that, only my aunty would.

but then again, my aunty usually gives 50, not 20!
so i concluded, it was God-sent!
though it might be a small amount,
but it is a huge amount to me..

and at dis point, it really doesn't matter how much anymore.
the point is, HE PROVIDES IN HIS OWN SWEET WAYS!
it really warms my heart,
and if i could, i'd cry too, really.

He's a God so big!
yet, He cares abt our nitty gritty details in our lives.
best of all,
He heard my prayer even though i'm sucha sinner..

sometimes i think we're too caught up in
'looking out' for God.
looking out for the BIG things we'd expect Him to do,
but it is in these small details that we find Him.

are you still sticking your neck out and lamenting,
"He hasn't spoken to me or blessed me.."
or haf you learnt to look at the nitty gritty details
in your daily activities?

and to top it all up,
today, or rather, ytd was my baptism bday.
i just turned 3!
happy bapday to me..

Lord, i'm so blessed to be able to call out to You.
i'm so blessed to even haf known You.
i'm so blessed to be able to call You abba Father.
i'm so blessed that the Father of all things loves me, a nothing.

too long.

its been sucha long time,
not because i've nothing to say
but because i chose not to..
why? because it doesn't edify.

but through dis 17-day hiatus,
i've found for myself a new way to solace.
a way in which i should've taken a long time back,
that is a daily prayer and reliance on God.

each day, i wake up bothered by a million things,
but i thank God that each night,
i can go back to Him and thank Him
for all that He'd done for me.

i've made far too many mistakes in the past,
too many that if i don't ratify it now,
i'll probably haf a closet so full of bones.
too much going on, too little reason to say..

apart from all the regrets and bane in life,
i truly thank God for dis season in my life.
that i can focus fully on Him,
assured each night that i'm on the right track..

though there isn't surety,
but somehow the peace in me affirms my decisions.
i may not be in the best shape now,
but i know dis season, is inevitable.

may dis mandate not leave me till i've learnt.
so that i will nvr commit the same again..
i'm not sure where dis will lead me to,
but i'm sure i want to follow You!

dream.

i dreamt a dream..
it really struck me hard, albeit a lil too short.

i was singing a new song in my QT,
"Jesus, Lover of my soul..
all i haf i give to You,
take dis, my heart in whole."

and the next scene was me on my knees,
lifting my conjoint palms in front of me.
and within it,
was my heart..

it wasn't the cartoon kinda heart,
but the real pumping heart wif arteries and stuff.
it has a lot of holes,
and i could tell, it was worn out.

but as i sing on,
i felt peace..
there wasn't a tinge of sadness,
but all surreal and joyful.

it was then,
it dawned upon me that the Lord delights
in a broken and contrite heart.
that He's here to heal and love the sick..

i was happy within me,
that i could surrender my heart to Him!
finally, i was able to give wif a gladness and trust.
and i know He's well-pleased wif me..

dear Lord, i give You my all.
and dis is all i haf,
my broken and contrite heart!
take it, and mould it..