somemore?

ytd i had 2 dental appts.
wif a tinge of hope that i might be
relinquishing the dental chains,
i was left disappointed..

why i had 2 appts back to back was because,
i had to take out the wires of the braces
and do a lil filling for one of my tooth.
it appears to be too small..

and if i were to close the gap without the filling,
it'll be alot of closing to do,
my jaws won't match if that happens.
so i decided wif the filling.

i went there, and had a taste of freedom for a stint.
once the wires were cut,
allowing me to go to another dentist for filling
it was a weird feeling..

remembering how i hated the feeling of having braces,
i can't wait for them to come off!
but once it was off for a while,
i actually preferred it bounded.

it was loose and the whole row of teeth could move.
it feels like my teeth were gonna drop off!
while walking to the other room,
i was fiddling them wif my tongue.

thinking to myself,
"will i live wif these loose teeth for the rest of my life?"
and so after clarifying wif the dentist,
he cooly said, "oh, loose right? its normal."

many a times, we wanted to change our lives for the better,
coming up wif resolutions,
in a bid to rid ourselves of bad habits or sinful shackles.
but when we're finally free, we want the shackles back on.

sometimes, we hafta admit that we hold on
because we're just afraid of the 'new' beginning.
not wanting to go through another transition.
who likes changes anyway?

in one of the ep in heroes,
there was a scene filled wif literature.
"peter, why can't you forgive me?"
"coz when i forgive you, i'll lose nathan (peter's bro)."

is it really that hard to stop sinning?
or at least stop committing conscious sins.
which one deserves more beating?
an ignorant offender, or a blatant offender?

its weird, the kinda things humans want.
sometimes we say we don't understand God..
it is true, He's too big for us to fathom.
but why don't we try understanding ourselves first.

religiosity or religion?

i just alighted from an interesting cab ride
wif mark and zing.
the cab driver, a senior,
was going on abt religion to army to politics.

he was going on abt religious harmony,
and of coz, talking abt pastor rony tan's "insensitivity".
i think its the 3rd day in a row,
that i've been involved in dis topic..

but in the cab ride,
it got me wondering..
alot of devotees, including christians
tend to be v protective over what pple say abt them.

and a thought just struck my mind,
what are we defensive abt, really?
defending God, or defending christianity,
or for some, defending our face or outlook?

come to think abt it,
is God that small that He needs us to 'fight' FOR Him?
i think He'd be really happy
if we even live our lives right for Him to begin wif.

but we're always hovering around dis topic,
"all religions teach good things. all are good.
there's no need to fight.
you respect me, i respect you.."

but i realise till today,
esp christians,
tend to be very very defensive when pple talk abt them.
and always trying to 'paint' a good outlook.

in fact, most of the time
80% of the reason why some anti-christians hate christianity,
is because of how we 'act',
pretty ironic, isn't it?

what are we defending, really?
our r/s wif God, or our label of religion?
there was once a bright man who said dis,
"i do respect Jesus, but not His people."

there are some discrepancies in that line,
but i don't wish to go there.
is it abt time we look inward?
and be humble and realistic wif our r/s wif God?

being humble isn't keeping quiet,
being humble isn't agreeing wif the general crowd.
Jesus nvr needed to defend Himself or for His Father,
Jesus lived His life the way He preaches.

there's really no need for us
to upkeep a good image for christianity on the outside.
it is what happens inside that will overflow..
not paste posters of religiosity on our faces.

and if we fumble or sin,
let us be accountable to God alone.
we can't stop pple from criticizing,
but we can be humble and go before the Lord, repentant.

our kingdom is not of dis world,
we can barely keep our lives in check wif God's commission.
let us work on our lives first,
before we try to portray a whitewashed image.

oh, but i hafta agree wif the cab driver
that LKY's a really brilliant leader.
i don't hafta to be politically charged person,
to acknowledge and respect my leader for his brilliance.

but we really need to pray for him,
that the Lord will unveil his eyes
and reveal Himself to him.
may God's will be done in his life..

reunions/cny

for most, they hate it.
for some, they love it.
for few, they don't have it.
for me, i don't understand it.

i guess the only time when i really enjoyed cny,
was when i was a kid.
chilling wif all my cousins and siblings,
running around and doing nonsense.

but when i hit sec 1,
i realise i don't really like cny gatherings.
i don't even like getting the ang baos!
its a lil too awkward for me man..

sometimes, when i really wanna go visit a friend
after a long long time.
and since cny has the longest holiday,
thought it'll be a good time to pop over.

somehow, the awkwardness of getting ang baos
really impedes me from visiting!
maybe i think too much, again,
but i guess i don't like it when pple think i go for ang baos?

and eversince my grandfolks passed on,
the number of relatives going to the 'headquarters' seems to deplete.
today, it was just my family and dickson's family wif another aunty.
the rest? didn't go, overseas, on bad terms..

was just telling my parents,
in about 10 yrs more,
reunions can happen either online
or just wif 2 families..

no longer having 6 siblings and above,
our family gatherings are bound to shrink in further years.
and by then, what cny atmosphere will we talk abt?
it is rather sad.

come to think of it,
i really kinda miss my grandma.
though i seldom talk abt her,
but her voice and look still remains deeply etched in my heart.

"eh? ah siang, ah li sen ga ah wei leh? hia buey lai ar?"

caught up.

its been so long..

i've really been wanting to blog,

but couldn't find the time to.

its sad that studies become a distraction from God now..

today, when i was on my way home

in the hot humid sickening weather.

many thoughts hovered in my fatigued mind,

but i only want to grasp the key point.

"its nvr good enough.

studying is nvr enough.."

those were my rhetoric,

and i took a few more steps..

"its abt time i let God define 'enough'."

what am i chasing after?

am i like a prisoner taking his first whiff of freedom,

or yet another paper chaser?

sadly, i think i'm both.

today mj and i were sharing

how studies can sometimes take away our focus from God.

after so much reading the entire day,

we've to turn to yet another reading for QT.

and even when we pray,

we'll be constantly thinking abt our essays.

instead of focusing on God,

we focus on papers..

ahh, great awakening.

i wanna apologise to all my friends whom i've neglected.

i ask that you guys would give me some time to adjust,

been 3 yrs since i studied!

Lord, i ask that You'll forgive me as well.

for being like the world,

always in the chase of nothing.

Father, restore my 'dying land'..