God-given?

and so for those who know,
i got the roles.
and i may be appearing more than once,
and i even haf lines!

after the audition today,
not sure if i'm just excited or nervous.
but i'm really uncertain of what is to come!
the work load and all..

but i shall stick to what i set out to do,
listen to what gary said,
"focus, focus. do only things that can add to your resume."
hahhahaha!

but i can understand where he's coming from,
i've been taking up too many things all of a sudden.
and am jumping at almost all the opened doors,
is dis what God intended?

amidst all these hype and scouring,
i shall be still and follow God's lead..
focus on what i've started on,
and finish it well!

these adhoc jobs can supplement my resume,
and free up some flexibility in my fiscal concerns.
other than that,
i shall not dwell so much on them!

peace?

so many times i've told my friends,

go ahead only if you've the peace God gives..

but more often than not,

how does that peace feel like?

ytd night as i was praying,

somehow i wasn't feeling right abt the audition.

so i prayed and asked God what was He trying to tell me.

as i wait and wait, nothing came.

so as it was getting late,

i went to sleep.

dis morning i woke up,

i was still feeling somewhat queasy and uneasy abt it..

there seemed to be a voice tugging at me,

"don't go. don't go.."

brushing it aside,

i thought i was just being nervous.

as the boisterous wind howled against my window,

i thought, "so damn inconvenient la!"

but being professional,

i braved the wind and rain..

and as i lugged my bags,

walked through 10 blocks, almost reaching the bus stop

my phone rang.

the person called and proposed to postpone the audition.

there and then,

after i hung up, i froze for abit..

so that was what the tugging feeling was all abt,

i was slightly intrigued by it.

so was that really what God has tried to protect me from?

inconvenience?

or was it something more than that?

dis, i'll only know when monday comes..

till then, i'll learn to obey the small meek voice.

though sometimes i might be confused by my own inner voice.

it is better to heed it and double confirm,

than to disobey and suffer the consequence.

pissed.

i'm sick and tired, really.

leadership?

O God, let my leadership
be approved by You alone, and not men.
let my way of life
be applauded by You alone, and not men.

walkagain.

upsize?

upsize?

upsize?

upsize?

some of us know who dis guy is,
he's one of my friend,
one of my ex cell-member,
and was one of HOF's bassist.

he was also one of my fellow committee member for youth camp,
he was one of my biking friends,
dis man, i know him as smart and reliable.
a friend whom i know would stand up for his friends at all cost.

he was a very bright guy,
pure science class in secondary school.
did well in aeronautical engineering in SP.
very very athletic.

some of you might know,
he met up wif an accident not too long ago.
in fact, he collided on my bday.
on his way home after getting my bday present..

it was so bad, that he almost lost his life.
but thank God, he survived.
although wif an amputated leg..
his left leg, knee down.

despite the disappointments and hurts,
sometimes didn't understand why him!
but i do know,
he's not a man who'd give up that easily.

and i was right,
today, he is walking again!
and i'm very sure that he is alive for a reason.
God doesn't make mistakes.



if you think your life is unfair,
think again.
will God practise favouritism?
not my God though..

though things may seem really unfair and incomprehensible,
but that doesn't mean God's a muddlehead.
He hurts while seeing you hurt,
but He will nvr give up on us!

so if some of us are facing some really difficult periods,
some circumstances we cannot accept.
know that God is wif you,
He is seeing you through, as long as you trust in Him.

inadequacy.

"Jesus told peter to mind his own business, when he tried to compare his life and trials with john's"

that was my pm on MSN,
in the morning.
and when den suddenly,
zing asked "did He?"

being trained in quoting wif contextual accuracy,
zing and i know that we ought to be backed up,
by the word of God.
it need not be the exact words, but at least the idea.

so confidently, i told him "yep. wait, i go find the verse."
coz i know confidently,
that that was something that kept me in check,
and encouraged me whenever life seems to be unfair.

my basic bible knowledge tells me
that could be found in the gospel.
so i did the biblegateway search..
to my disbelief, there was no such reference.

adamant abt it,
i decided to go through the verses one by one.
starting from matthew 10,
knowing that it happened somewhere during Jesus' ministries.

so i read intently, patiently, word by word.
i finished matthew, DON'T HAVE!
and so i began to quiver in my heart.
thinking to myself, "really don't haf meh?"

so i took heart,
and went on to look in the book of mark.
starting from mark 5,
intently, patiently, word by word. DON'T HAVE!

dis time i was really afraid and upset.
so i decided to take my pm out..
if really don't haf, the last thing i want to do
is to stumble other pple.

but i continued looking from luke.
at the same time,
i asked pauline,
if she has heard abt dis passage before.

so trying tirelessly,
explaining to pauline what the context was.
she told me,
"oh have! that is one of my fav passages. wait, i go find!"

wah, i tell you..
when pauline pasted to me the passage,
it was found in JOHN 21:15-23!!
the last book of the gospel in biblical chronology..

but dis small exercise showed me something.
how weak i was in my bible knowledge..
how faithless i was,
easily toppled during testings.

like as pauline agrees wif me,
the bible is only a story book,
if we read it for bedtime stories.
nothing else.

the bible is the word and breath of God,
if we read it, and practise it in our lives.
and in times of doubts,
memory verses really reinstates our faith.

what is quiet time to you?
is it a 'peaceful' time in the day or night,
where we read the devotionals and verses allocated?
or a time of reflection?

most of us would think that quiet time is for
a time of request, or a time of confide.
but i suppose i would think not..
it is a time of communication.

where i wait upon the Lord,
sometimes i may start off by telling Him abt my day.
but i'm reminded that i ought to talk to God!
communication is 2-way for a reason..

and i've seen the importance of memory verses after today,
if i'm tested by the world or the devil,
how will i stand!
i own a bible, but am i equipped wif it?

sheer determination and self-control
would not supercede
the insights and understandings of God's word!
nvr shall it be..

conviction cannot be achieved by someone else's experience.
conviction can only be worked through the Holy Spirit!
and if we don't communicate wif the Holy Spirit,
we can forget abt being convicted just by reading bedtime stories.

disappointed,

maybe i was wrong,
maybe i shouldn't haf been so worried for you.

God at work.

Lord, i thank You for dis opportunity
to be able to read the devotion thru ray stedman.
in which, i've gained a lil more insight
of what Your character entails..

ray stedman beautifully puts together,
what it means to wait upon the Lord.
and apparently,
it isn't a choice, but a rule of life!

and he ensues further in his writing,
naming a couple of examples.
out of which,
i shall expound further on one of them.

it is of a farmer and his farming practice,
wherein, every farmer would know that
there are certain things he can control and work at,
certain things haf to be taken charge by nature.

at the start, the farmer would plant the seed,
although its hard work,
but that's precisely what he needs to do,
and den subsequently go back to rest, while the seed grows.

a farmer doesn't force the seed to grow,
and he doesn't worry or insist that the seed to grow instantly!
it is a process in which he submits to,
wait and trust that God is at work as the seed grows.

many of us in dis modern era,
wants things fast and immediately.
look at the technology these days,
does it even allow pockets of delay?

even in men,
pple wants change almost instantaneously.
obama for instance.
month after month, pple are re-evaluating his performance.

the world doesn't allow time for the change to be effective,
they want instant results.
they expect the fiscal conundrum to untangle quickly,
but that's just not gonna happen!

in micro-analysis on our own life,
aren't we sometimes as impatient as well?
when we commit our lives to God,
we expect an aura or hallow to be above us immediately.

and when pple sin,
we say, "how come christian can like that one meh?"
without even taking into account the gradual change
he's had from his starting point.

and in our love lives,
we often want something fast.
we like somebody and we tend to pounce on the opportunity,
defending that we might 'lose the chance'.

unfortunately, being strong advocates for the idiom,
'strike when the iron is hot'.
no, i personally don't think that's the way to go!
esp when it comes to the matters of the heart.

we've to grow wif the Lord,
and slowly, He'll reveal to us His plan.
slowly but surely, He'll provide.
we might not see it, but that doesn't mean He doesn't.

like the seed,
the farmer could be nail-biting over the night
after he planted the seed BENEATH the ground (unseen),
worrying whether the seed will grow eventually.

the seed continues to grow
even if he sleeps or wakes.
and even if the farmer oversleeps,
the seed still grows!

uncle boo once told me,
"waiting isn't passive. it is constantly proactive."
if the farmer waits and waits passively,
his laziness would coz the seed to rot away.

but if he trust and is conscientiously doing his job,
he stands to reap his toil.
that is a confirmed and proven fact..
God doesn't change His mind like we fickles do.

He is the same ytd, today and forever more.
He provided for abram, moses, david,
that same God He is,
will provide for us, only if we trust and wait upon Him.

pple say, patience is a virtue.
after today,
i'd say, patience is a command.
its the way of life..

Father, teach me how to be patient.
Lord, teach me how to wait upon You as You'd be pleased.
O God, guide my everyday for the rest of it.
Lord, take charge of my life..

pick & choose?

des: you going prayer meeting tonight?
mj: ya, haf to leh. young adult ministry, and they say all cell leaders must go.
des: oh okay.

mj: but i like not feeling well now man, headache and stuff.
des: so you not going?
mj: don't know. i think if i can finish my work, and feeling better, i'll go.

des: oh, okay..
mj: wah, later got badminton in the afternoon. excited man!
des: i thought you sick?!
mj: ya, but need to exercise man..

des: ... so now i assume God is 3rd place in your life la.
mj: no, God is first. prayer's 3rd.
des & mj: HAHAHHAHA!

that was candid,
although both of us know it was a joke.
but it kinda got me reflecting,
aren't we sometimes like that in other aspects of life?

we tend to pick and choose our situations,
and make conclusive decisions based on our likes.
when there's something we don't like,
we'll naturally decide against it.

for example,
we say we're christians,
we love God and all that yada yada.
and our lives outside church reflect otherwise.

so do we love God,
or do we love the feeling of loving God?
the cross seem a lil too heavy and harsh to carry,
we'll just sign up for membership that's all.

we're christians when we reach out to poor unsaved pple,
go on mission trips and get all fired up for Christ.
but when our close friends get wasted and gamble,
we tell ourselves, "nah! just for the fun of it."

we choose what kinda christians we wanna be, don't we?
do we hide in the shadow of
"i'm only human, God will forgive."
or do we take a conscious effort to exemplify our love for Him?

maybe in our spiritual walk,
some of us might find it a bore or pain to live right.
but what abt relationships?
friendships and relationships..

i rmb when pastor aaron ask me
if i accept my friend for who she is.
i said yes.
den he asked me again if i can accept her flaws.

den i thought abt it and say,
"but some things really cannot compromise ma.."
and he said something which i nvr thought of before.
"when you said accept, what did you accept? good things only?"

and i could tell where he was coming from.
acceptance is not something we can pick and choose.
when we accept, we accept wholesale!
we can't say i accept dis and dis, and i reject that.

its like a terms and conditions contract.
when you sign up for something online,
often we'll hafta click accept before we can click "next",
is there an option that says "edit terms"?

no, that's the package.
take it or leave it..
you don't like certain aspects of it,
you deal wif it yourself, before coming to terms wif it again.

pple and friends are not robots,
we don't program them or tweak them..
we accept them for who they are,
if we can't, den we gotta deal wif ourselves, not them.

i think it takes alot of self-discipline and humility,
to be accepting.
once we find ourselves being more accepting,
loving would come naturally thereafter..

disclaimer: mj and i are fully aware that God AND prayer are important! that it is integral, and not to be differentiated.

be strong!

i need to run.
aight, i'll go for a run..
somehow, i don't wish to stop.
i wish i could run and run!

coz when i stop,
i'll be back to reality.
the harsh
and painful reality..

Lord, strengthen me!

tough surrender.

Lord, You know i've given up everything.
You know i've given all that mattered to me,
so that i can follow You.
Father, don't forsake me now..

sunshine?

well sometimes the sun shines on
other people's houses and not mine.
some days the clouds paint the sky all gray
and it takes away my summertime.
somehow the sun keeps shining upon you,
while I struggle to get mine.
if there's a light in everybody,
send out your ray of sunshine.

i want to walk the same roads as everybody else,
through the trees and past the gates.
getting high on heavenly breezes,
making new friends along the way.
i won't ask much of nobody,
i'm just here to sing along.
and make my mistakes looks gracious,
and learn some lessons from my wrongs.

well sometimes the sun shines on
other people's houses and not mine.
some days the clouds paint the sky all gray
and it takes away my summertime.
somehow the sun keeps shining upon you,
while I struggle to get mine.
a little light never hurt nobody,
send out your ray of sunshine.

oh, if this little light of mine
combined with yours today,
how many watts could we luminate?
how many villages could we save?
and my umbrella's tired of the weather,
wearing me down.
well, look at me now.

you should look as good as your outlook,
would you mind if I took some time,
to soak up your light, your beautiful light?
you've got a paradise inside.
i get hungry for love and thirsty for life,
and much too full on the pain,
when I look to the sky to help me
and sometimes it looks like rain.

as the sun shines on other people's houses
and not mine,
and the sky paints those clouds in a way
that it takes away the summertime,
somehow the sun keeps shining upon you,
while I kindly stand by.
if theres a light in everybody,
send out your ray of sunshine

you're undeniably warm, you're cerulean,
you're perfect in desire.
won't you hang around
so the sun, it can shine on me,
and the clouds they can roll away,
and the sky can become a possibility?
if there's a light in everybody,
send out your ray of sunshine.

busy business.

busy-ness kills the heart.

few might know,
i'd been crazily busy for the past 2 weeks.
having too many parties to attend,
and a thanksgiving dinner to co-ordinate.

i barely had time for anything!
so much so that,
even appointments which were set aside to hang out wif friends,
became another slot by itself.

i became so forgetful, scatterbrained
that i couldn't find enough strength and time
to look for gift exchange presents, and cards.
all i did was merely receiving!

i felt so bad abt it,
that each night i come home.
wif my last ounce of strength,
i spent regretting my inactions..

not only haf i drawn further from friends,
who ironically, i'm busy wif.
i've drawn away from my family,
close friends and even God.

my time was spent on meeting timelines,
meeting expectations,
and just being physically present.
it was unthinkable..

i was reminded of how busy i was,
when i saw my devotions calendar,
which was previously on my desk in office.
it was dated 29 dec..

that means i haven't stopped and sat at my desk,
since 29 dec.
and it was flipped to 29 dec
only because that was the last time i flipped it in office.

my last day was 31st!
which also means,
my time in office was spent crazily,
striving to meet timelines..

on 1 jan 10,
at round and abt 615am.
i finally plopped my physically and mentally drained body
on my bed.

i told myself,
i really don't wanna start my yr without talking to God.
and when i closed my eyes to pray..
memories flooded back!

memories of how much i missed God.
how much i missed talking to Him..
i felt so distant from Him,
yet at the same time encouraged that He's still here.

and it got me thinking,
how foolish i was.
wasting my life away due to worldly expectations.
i was ignorant of my busy-ness..

all my sins and transgressions flashed back in my tired mind,
and i find myself stuck in a rut.
the lack of courage and fear of doing the things that pleases God,
disgust me to the core of my bones!

and it got me thinking,
who do i really fear?
God, or men?
or maybe dis isn't a clear enough analogy.

let me twist the scope and zoom in further.
who do i really fear?
God, or loved ones?
scary? but its true..

many times we find ourselves
not able to make god-centered decisions,
not because we don't know what is right,
but because we're scared of the consequences.

we know that something is wrong,
yet we continue to wallow in it,
not coz we don't love God,
but we love our loved ones more..

we're afraid that we might hurt that person too much.
translation: we don't trust that God is in control enough.
we're afraid that we might be ostracized.
translation: we don't regard God as highly as we regard friends.

it is downright disgusting,
but very real in our lives..
we know the answer to most conundrums,
but we lack the courage and trust to execute it.

i really want to live it right for God,
no matter what it takes.
and Lord,
i wanna trust that You're in control of ALL these..