busy business.

busy-ness kills the heart.

few might know,
i'd been crazily busy for the past 2 weeks.
having too many parties to attend,
and a thanksgiving dinner to co-ordinate.

i barely had time for anything!
so much so that,
even appointments which were set aside to hang out wif friends,
became another slot by itself.

i became so forgetful, scatterbrained
that i couldn't find enough strength and time
to look for gift exchange presents, and cards.
all i did was merely receiving!

i felt so bad abt it,
that each night i come home.
wif my last ounce of strength,
i spent regretting my inactions..

not only haf i drawn further from friends,
who ironically, i'm busy wif.
i've drawn away from my family,
close friends and even God.

my time was spent on meeting timelines,
meeting expectations,
and just being physically present.
it was unthinkable..

i was reminded of how busy i was,
when i saw my devotions calendar,
which was previously on my desk in office.
it was dated 29 dec..

that means i haven't stopped and sat at my desk,
since 29 dec.
and it was flipped to 29 dec
only because that was the last time i flipped it in office.

my last day was 31st!
which also means,
my time in office was spent crazily,
striving to meet timelines..

on 1 jan 10,
at round and abt 615am.
i finally plopped my physically and mentally drained body
on my bed.

i told myself,
i really don't wanna start my yr without talking to God.
and when i closed my eyes to pray..
memories flooded back!

memories of how much i missed God.
how much i missed talking to Him..
i felt so distant from Him,
yet at the same time encouraged that He's still here.

and it got me thinking,
how foolish i was.
wasting my life away due to worldly expectations.
i was ignorant of my busy-ness..

all my sins and transgressions flashed back in my tired mind,
and i find myself stuck in a rut.
the lack of courage and fear of doing the things that pleases God,
disgust me to the core of my bones!

and it got me thinking,
who do i really fear?
God, or men?
or maybe dis isn't a clear enough analogy.

let me twist the scope and zoom in further.
who do i really fear?
God, or loved ones?
scary? but its true..

many times we find ourselves
not able to make god-centered decisions,
not because we don't know what is right,
but because we're scared of the consequences.

we know that something is wrong,
yet we continue to wallow in it,
not coz we don't love God,
but we love our loved ones more..

we're afraid that we might hurt that person too much.
translation: we don't trust that God is in control enough.
we're afraid that we might be ostracized.
translation: we don't regard God as highly as we regard friends.

it is downright disgusting,
but very real in our lives..
we know the answer to most conundrums,
but we lack the courage and trust to execute it.

i really want to live it right for God,
no matter what it takes.
and Lord,
i wanna trust that You're in control of ALL these..