holiday.

the first 2 weeks of october,
had been a really whirl of a time.
leading worship in both services,
and finalising 'thanksgiving' stuff, although not much..

but the part where the preparation for the song segment
is concerned.
it was quite a trying period where i confess,
i did put in 'extra' effort to live my life as Christ-like as possible.

being a human, there were definitely shortcomings from my end,
but well, i thought at least i put in the effort to try.
so as i thought,
self-righteousness is directly proportionate to annointing for worship leading.

apparently, as things go.
i couldn't really be a Jesus as i led worship..
but did that make my worship leading less 'holy' or displeasing?
i doubt so..

just to clear up any potential misunderstanding,
God loves His people.
and i'm leading not coz i think i'm good enough,
but because i wanna love His people as He does!

the crux of what i wanna say here is dis,
that i've just treaded on dangerous murky waters.
where i'm nothing more than a commitment-christian, am i?
only strive to be Christ-like for the sake of annointed-service..

i was greatly and largely affected when the speaker on sunday,
pierced right into the heart of my soul.
i was wrong.
i allowed naivety and self-work to take charge..

as much as i wanted to give my best to God,
i've compartmentalised my personal living into assignment-based.
a week before i lead that sunday,
i'll consecrate my life and be fully and wholly devoted to hearing Him.

what abt weeks i don't lead?
i rmb i was v tired, and suffocated by the monday after i led in main.
i had to plan the song set for youth and i barely had a 'breather'.
now, what dis breather meant?

am i really consecrated for Him in entirety? no.
after the sundays i lead worship,
i'd be having a 2 weeks 'holiday' of carnal life,
before i had to prepare for another 'holy week'.

such disgrace and disgust!
through dis 'yearning for breather',
it reveals that the core of my heart hasn't changed much
from the 15yr-old me, has it?

apart from external behaviour and thought processes,
deep down i just wished i could live like any non-christian.
'carefree' and 'no-holds-bar' kinda lifestyles..
such envy was sinful to its core!

i realised that the 'carefree' lifestyle that i yearned for,
only proved itself to be a shackle around my teenage folly.
baptism and sanctification that i've 'accumulated' through the yrs,
didn't really break the bond and foothold in my carnal life!

haf i not been a hypocrite all these while?
haf i not been more disgraceful than a sunday-christian?
am i really rooted in the spirit?
do i really love Jesus wif all of my life?

the ans, i regrettably confess. no.
i've sinned, beyond any reasonable mitigation..
what would Jesus do if He was a worship leader?
and so happen to lead worship only twice a month.

shouldn't a God-fearing, God-loving worship leader
be a 24/7 worship leader?
ready to sing praises to Him at any given point in time,
and not be feeling stifled coz of the lack of 'freedom' to live 'carefreely'?

Lord, i've sinned.
thank You for helping me realise
how deceitful my heart was.
Father, i wanna live for You alone, and mean my words!