vindicated.

just read her blog. totally mis-understood. seems like she still doesn't know how i treat my gf. she compared the topics and the way i talk to jp and amanda wif her. wth. how can we just compare like that? i'm stressed? the reason why i'm stressed is just coz i do not know what i can talk to her abt and we share so many things together, i don't even know when to say certain things. but to amanda and jp, the reason why i can talk so freely and "happily" is simply coz i can say anything i want, without having tp bear the thought whetehr i might hurt her anot. i mean, if i say something wrongly, i just hafta say "okay lah, don't angry lah." and we haf no right to bear grudges. but for her!! i must bear in mind what to say and what not to say, which added on another thing in mind is to be tactful! and i'm happy to be mindful always when i talk to her, because i care abt her feelings and i enjoy being mindful lah! but now she thinks that i enjoy talking to jp and amanda more than her. its so not true lah! dis few days, had been struggling wif my thoughts, like since we've broken up, why are we still so close? won't it be harder for both of us to forget? and whenever i meet up wif her or when i'm wif her, i just feel a sense of "home" lah. so comfortable and nice to be wif her. so many so many times when i'm wif her, i just wanna hold her hand and say "i still love u." but i can't!! i cannot bear to hurt her again! i don't mind being hurt, but i can't hurt her. i just can't bring myself to do it lah. but now, totally vindicated. damn sian, nobody understands me that well afterall. nvm, i'm used to it. just feeling kinda sad now, really sad.

*vindicated, i'm selfish, i'm wrong.*

Enlightenment!

hehe. even when i'm typing dis entry, i'm literally smiling. (trust me). u know what? i'm not even a lil insecured now. used to think that insecurity is an in-built thing in my "nature" for 18 years. bullshit. INSECURITY IS A SYMPTOM OF DRYNESS DEEEEEEEP WITHIN. yes! it can be resolved. don't hafta always brainwash and feed urself wif facts that are not true. like "aiyah, she won't haf an affair wan lah. she only likes me. (when u're so so skeptical abt stuff.)" yah! and now, i know that she loves me and its true! not because she'd been extra nice to me or just because she gives me another chance, but because she's been loving me all along, its just the DRY me that haf been so skeptical abt her. talking abt trust, do i hafta drag and slam my trust on her just because of i haf to? i'm telling u that i'm a free man now, giving her trust like nvr before, simply because i'm assured by GOD and plus her sweetness to me. woah, i tell u. happiest man on earth. love doesn't mean alot alot alot of time wif each other, it just means that u can be assured that u haf somebody there that will be supporting u! yep. and cheryl, i didn't flare up yesterday coz i know u need it, i don't own u, i love u. last time i would flare up coz i will always be thinking that u wanna spend time doing things wif other guys! that's how insecured i was last time. but no more. hehe! and i don't blame u for having reservations and being skeptical at dis point of time. which human won't haf a scar after an injury? furthermore, u've had many many injuries, i understand. but nonetheless, u can be assured that "though we fight alot, i still love u. *smiles*"

* thank you Lord! *

why?

don't know why somehow i'll always feel what she used to feel. she felt tt sometimes she shouldn't try so hard, coz the harder or more she put in, the more disappointments u'll get. and i'm feeling teh exact same way now. don't know, i thought everything was okay, until i read her blog. damn! so hard for me to swallow the fact tt she likes to be alone!! aiyah, i'm really giving up on myself. i think i'm really possessive. like yesterday night when she went chilling wif her friends. i asked myself, what does it mean for a group of 19 yr olds females going one fullerton and clarke quay at abt 10.30pm. i've tried to flood myself wif stuff tt are healthy doing there. but somehow, nothing else came to me except, wine, drunk, alcohol and perverts. quite a few pple are telling me to trust her, to know tt she can take care of herself. maybe they're right. but its easier said than done. i don't know. i'm really at lost. think blogging really hurts. think dis will be my last entry. anyway, i know i still haf friends, not really close friends, but at least i know they cafre and meant well for me. but as for her, i don't know, i seriously need to sit down and think through, how should i go abt getting over dis possessiveness shit and the trust thing. dis is so tough. really.