pokemon.

hmm, since she seldom read dis blog nowadays, i think i can say dis here. actually dis few days had been quite fine. handling wif stuff as friends etc. yah, but well, u know what i'm like. got things must say wan, what i feel MUST come out as words. haha, but damn shit. coz now we're friends and friends don't say "i miss u." right? yah! but i'm feeling tt and i wanna express it to her, but its gonna be so weird. grr, but nonetheless, learnt stuff from dis period of break-up lah. beginning to appreciate and notice the stuff she does for me and learning on how to control my temper and my freaking speech. yep, so far its cool man. but i always haf dis urge when we go to tt playground to just hug and embrace her in my arms. just really wanna tell her how much i miss her, but on the other hand, i don't think i'm ready for it yet. and i don't wanna put her in shit like i used to. hmm, desmond.. ren!! if u really love her, bring her happiness not sorrow!! don't get into a r/s coz u're lonely and u want her back. things don't work dis way, its too selfish. sort ur freaking thoughts out and then ask urself if u're ready again.

* don't gif up on me, i'll meet u when my chores are through. *

disappointed.

am i still fit to be her bf? her [no-respect] bf? is she still worth my trust? dis is not the 1st time it's happening. how am i gonna trust her again? what if she's drinking a group of guy friends? how can i be there 24hrs to watch over her? why doesn't she know her limits? i'm baffled. suddenly, i'm really very scared tt one day she misght get into trouble, and i'm afraid i can't be there for her. dis kinda things, need not be repeated too many times to know her lesson. just once, just hafta go over her limits ONCE, it's gone. if its not for danielle, anything happens to her. how am i gonna answer to her parents. by tt time, who's to blame? me [for not being there for her] or herself [not knowing her limits]. i talked to her, did she heed it? Lord, help me. Help me guide dis girl tt i dearly love. she sees everything so easily. thinking tt she can handle everything. when i saw her home just now. i know dis is a harsh word, but i was really disgusted. disgusted at how she looked, how she behaved. sometimes i really question myself, what does she see in me. she don't listen to my advises. she does her things her way, thinking tt she can handle everything. i'm really hurt. wanted to meet her online just now to pray and confess our sins, and start our r/s afresh. coz i felt really uncomfortable. but now, seems like she doesn't even care. still thinking tt she can handle everything. the 1st qn i asked danielle was "was she depressed or upset when she's sharing?" danielle said "no, everything seemed fine." but was she really fine? i don't know. i really don't know anything. now tt i feel so uncomfortable, i can't share wif anybody. i'm so upset, yet i hafta control my temper and understand why she drank so much. ANYBODY OUT THERE WHO UNDERSTANDS HOW I F**KING FEEL? DAMMIT!ARGH!

shit.

sometimes i really wonder should i even tell her how i really feel? honesty and communication, but i feel tt i really haf no say in dis r/s. she's always right and i'm always wrong. i don't know i'm facing her problems now. last time she also used to think tt i don't love her anymore, and now i'm feeling dis way. to her, its just like pay back time, but to me, its genuine. nowadays, she don't even bother to give in even a lil. to her, its still a hard and fuss rule tt a guy should gif in. how can i ever get my feelings across to her? i don't wanna gif dis r/s up, coz i really wanna commit my life to dis beautifully created lady. but how long is dis feeling in me gonna prolong? i was really hoping tt she'd call me and sort things out wif me after i switched off my com. i stayed awake and pray, i stayed awake and wait for her call, but nothing. is it my fault again dis time? maybe to her, she's angry over the small thing tt she thought i got pissed. and i think she's thinking tt "why should i apologize? he's so petty, small small thing also wanna make a big fuss out of it." well, i don't know. maybe i'm really too petty? but dis is really not affecting me. what's affecting me is the feeling i haf. why do i haf the feeling? is there something specific tt she'd done? how can we get on track again? is bliss a form of denial? coz i feel tt whenever i tell her my point of view, we'll quarrel, and whenever i agree wif her even if sometimes i don't, we're both happy. haiz, i really don't know. i really hope dis time she'll understand why i'm coming from. even if she don't, i really really hope she'll put down her idealogy [guys must give in] and gif me a call to at least ask what's wrong.

*Lord i wanna commit dis r/s into ur hands once again. Bless us, guide us. Amen.*