a walk to rmb.

after 9 yrs,
it was our first walk together.
just the 2 of us,
my hand on his planky shoulder line.

his tutor called and told me of his 'lackadaisical' attitude,
and the first thought that came to my mind,
"again.. what else is there to do?"
i was discouraged, disappointed.

nothing seem to work.
eversince i took over the burden
to be his academic monitor,
i tried ways and means to 'discipline' him.

being brought up in a traditional chinese family,
i figured that to haf any forms of virtue,
it first comes wif discipline.
and my dad truly exemplified that method in me.

and so, naturally,
after the first week of complaints,
i tried to play 'goodfather',
had a firm and assertive talk wif him, no cane.

after the talk, he seemed to be afraid,
and all set to buck up.
so that he won't hafta suffer the 'punishment'
that i've meted out to him.

"if you don't do your hw,
you'll know what you get."
"don't test my limits,
you know that when i say it, i'll do it."

these were my "know who's boss" lines,
telling him that if my parents weren't strict enough,
now i'm the new guard.
and the new guard means business..

honestly, i was hopeful in the changes.
just like how the americans were hopeful
under the new leadership.
but, to no avail.

i was furious and at the same time, discouraged.
so i had to mean my word,
and i delivered him the strokes he asked for.
after that, damage control was done.

just to make sure that his spirit is not broken.
i explained to him the reason for punishment,
and he seemed to understand it better dis time.
again, i gave him a stern warning.

thinking dis time, the strokes would strike home a point.
that if he doesn't wanna be at the mercy of the cane,
the most prudent decision,
would be to be good and finish up.

so again, i was hopeful and positive dis time.
but still, his tutor complained that he did finish,
but he anyhow did his work in hurry.
i was exasperated by now..

my dad's fav line literally came back to my mind,
"why don't you teach me how to teach you."
of coz in mandarin, and much harsher.
before i knew it, these thoughts became words..

i told my bro,
the exact thing my dad told me a decade ago.
but mine of coz, was in english,
and wif less anger, more exasperation.

nonetheless, i caned him again,
to fulfill my "promise" to him.
but dis time during my damage control,
i didn't tell him that i'll cane him if i hear complain again.

coz obviously cane didn't work,
i used my mum's tactic.
the art of guilt.
i told him, "if you don't wanna study, i'll take you out of sch"

he shook his head so vigorously,
that if i didn't ask another positive qn,
his head would drop.
so at least he shows that he knows an education is needed.

in my heart i was thinking,
"luckily still got hope. still teachable."
so again, i planned his timetable for him,
and got him to abide by it.

today, the tutor called me,
and you know how the story goes.
dis time, i was disheartened.
my heart literally broke and sank..

what else and how else can i put it across to him.
and my bro knows it too,
that he's gonna get it tonight.
even if not cane, at least an earful..

so after class i went to fetch my family,
and my bro was quiet throughout the ride home.
trying to be ready and anticipate his D-day H-hour.
but i turned to him in the car, and smiled.

i could see his face damn puzzled.
he didn't know what to make out of it,
but he reckoned that the safest thing to do,
is still not to be jovial but remorseful.

and so when we got home,
he tried his utmost to bribe me
wif his macdonalds milo upsize.
he said, "korkor, give you drink."

i was like,
"oh okay! you don't want? we share?"
den his slit-eyes suddenly opened,
even more puzzled than before.

so i told him,
"i know you're expecting me to scold or cane you,
but i won't. coz you big boy alr."
den he lit up..

after dinner, i told him
"joe, come, let's go for a walk."
he readily wore his sandals and waited outside for me.
i held his hand and we set out..

we had a 'heart to heart' talk,
and i managed to maintain a 2-way convo.
he didn't feel interrogated nor afraid,
but he sensed sincerity and maturity..

he knows that dis time,
its not all abt punishment.
but rather, identifying the problem and tackle it.
he felt more understood tonight..

and i thank God so much that i didn't lecture him tonight.
coz i was afraid that might kill his intention to even do better.
i prayed, and ask the Lord to reveal.
and i thank God i took dis route of gentleness..

we talked, laughed and asked if he likes tuition,
he said he preferred dis one than the previous,
coz firstly he likes one-to-one tuition,
secondly, the tutor is v nice..

it was an incredible bonding we had just now,
and i really thank God for opportunities like that.
but of coz,
i'll see what his tutor has to say dis coming tuition!

but its beautiful, isn't it?
and i can't help but link it to my personal walk wif God.
so many times we ourselves feel tired of living right,
of trying to please God in our finite ways..

and each time we sinned,
God too, will feel the disappointment.
but He nvr gives up on us.
He disciplines, but He nvr disappears.

it reminded me more so,
not to give up on myself.
so often, i don't even know what went wrong,
but i do know, that He'll reveal..

it is okay to feel sad and discouraged.
crying is divinely designed to help us relief.
but we must let the tears flow,
and not well up in our eyes.

coz if we continue to well it up,
and wallow in self-pity for a far too long time.
our visions will be blurred,
coz all we see is the distortion caused by the tears.

let it flow down,
and we move on.
once it flows down,
our vision will be made clearer by the tears.

likewise, we're bound to be hurt by disappointments.
but these disappointments are allowed,
only to build us up.
coz God loves us too much to leave us the way we are..

thank You, abba Father.