pressures.

some of you may know,
i'd been in a fix lately.
let me try to describe how it feels like,
can't be completely accurate, but i'll try.

entangled arteries with the veins,
around the pumping organ the size of a fist.
out of it comes blood,
and out of it comes life too.

couldn't really figure the difference.
the purple or the green one.
one's dirty and going back in,
one's been regenerated and coming back out.

so ironic how flowery it should feel
when your heart's tickled.
but this time, it feels different.
it feels messy and unclean.

this isn't what i am last time,
i wasn't this unsure.
i wasn't this jumpy.
and i wasn't this shaky.

ahh, if only you could make sense out of this.
tell me abt it, over tea and kueh lapis.
i'll gladly read into your 'thesis'
or it'll soon become a disease.

in my QT tonight,
i've learnt in John 16:23.
"In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name."

i've been asking God ever since it started.
the 'it' that is still so close,
yet i can't disclose.
oh, the pains of the troubled.

and oswald chambers answered my prevailing queries.
he said it simply,
"until the resurrection life of Jesus is fully exhibited in you, you have questions about many things."

and when you come to a point of total reliance
on the resurrection life of Jesus,
which brings you into complete oneness with the Lord.
you'll find that you've no more questions to ask.

when will that day come?
when can i ever fully rely on God.
i'd say its a tall order for me,
coz i'm not a very trusting person.

but i'll con't to pray,
pray til something happens.
i know something will happen one day,
i'm learning to trust that God will give me only the best.

today at work,
i was super busy.
after a few hrs, i decided to seat back.
and take a pause and make sense out of things.

suddenly an image of my parents came to mind,
and subtitled "not much time left."
i felt the sense of remorse,
and regret and urgency..

i really felt very sad and scared.
wondering how to evangelise to my folks.
i've always envied christian children with christian parents.
at least they're saved.

but mine aren't.
they're always telling me they don't mind going church,
but got work, cannot make it.
argh!

and the 'desmond' i am at home,
is not good enough for them to see the change!
or rather, not consistent enough.
to convince them i've changed.

and i've got no christian aunties/uncles,
or they don't haf any christian friends to hear from.
the pressure is mounting up on my shoulders.
i'm at loss and panic.

it feels like i've been casted in "Saw V"
where life is at stake,
and time is running out!
yes, that's what i'm feeling now.

so for the few of you who're reading dis.
do keep me and my family in prayer.
time is running out.
time is really running out.

when will that day come?