facade.

the sergeant u see in camp,
is not what i am.
its what u've made me to be.

the worship leader in church,
is not what i am.
its what u've set for me.

the mentor in his life,
is not what i am.
its what u've challenged me to.

You'd put me in dis life,
in dis vocation,
in dis church,
in dis responsibility.

You'd to bring me out of it.
pleasing in Your sight,
according to Your will,
victorious.

i rest my soul in Yours.
in Your Son's name,
i reside.
Amen.

well.

guess i've come a long way now.

still remember how i struggled thru my training in army.
how i juggle wif my emotions and peers.
how andrew, karen and pastor aaron kept me sane.

how many times i've told pple to let go.
entrust to God.
haf faith in Him.

but now that its clear,
i'm guilty of that.
i realise i couldn't let go nor haf faith!

anyways, now i can let go.
only because i know somebody has taken over.
is that letting go?
hahahha. yes it is!

i was feeling cheated a few days ago.
but i guess its all for the better?
now i feel free!

i'm free to do whatever i want.
hang out wif whoever i want.
and not afraid of hurting another person.

hahhaha!
sorry, if i had been unfair to anybody.
i didn't haf the courage to stand up for my initial decision!
i know it had been tough.

aiyah, recently i don't know why.
these random feelings and entries.
cannot even piece my words and thoughts properly.

nvm.
yeah, i feel liberated!
thank God.

okay.

i can only do dis much.

hope?

recently i've been struggling.
struggling to be a friend who keeps his plans.
struggling to be of a good cheer.
struggling to be a wise mentor.
struggling to be a brother-in-Christ.

now that the week has past.
i look back,
i thank God.
for placing these struggles in my life.

for it is these struggles that will
make me a better person
to love and to give.
to counsel and to support.

afterall, i'm only human.
i do haf emotions.
emotions that seemed so strong.
but i do reminisce and regret.
i do miss and feel like shit.

feel so alone.
carrying all these alone.
not having anybody in person to talk to.
who understands and will not judge.
partly also i don't wanna burden other pple?

now pple that i finally reconciled wif,
pple that i'm really comfortable wif.
are going away.
some to another state (literally),
some to another environment (4 yrs of busyness),
some still remain where they are,
but no longer that close anymore.

hmm, problematic huh?
well, i really wanna be of a good cheer.
i really wanna be there for as many pple as possible.
i really wanna be a wise mentor,
who doesn't control in fear but trust the Lord in faith.

nvm, dis is a random entry.
not sure what i'm saying too.
maybe i'm really dis confused?
not wanting to stumble,
but really needed to let it out somewhere?

pls pardon me if i did stumble u.
and if u're worried abt me,
pls don't be.
coz i'll be fine after a while.

and how?
i've got a clown friend like ZING!
(who doesn't mind being the clown)
i've got an accountability partner like DON!
(who doesn't haf self-esteem problems)
and many more..

thank God for all these,
contradicting yet necessary
difficult yet possible
kinda situations in life.

coz only thru these,
i'll learn..