l e s m o n g .

rest.

2010-09-10T02:19:00.002+08:00

it has been such a long time,
since i've sat down to reflect.
it has been such a long time,
since i've sat down to pray.

during this time,
i won't deny that i've strayed.
not just away from this blogger dashboard,
but from the very heart of worship.

ironically, it was the alleged ministries,
that i often find myself mangled in.
literally sapping out each and every ounce of my energy,
and my human limitation only caved in to such weakness.

during this period of time,
i won't say i've experienced hell without God.
He wasn't too far away from me,
like He'd promised that He'll nvr leave me.

but it was the parch dryness that was leaving me empty,
sucking up my passion and strength for the Lord
like a merciless sponge,
literally feeding on my aimless pursuit of busyness.

and now, in the wee hours of a public holiday,
can i finally take a breath of refreshing whiff.
seating in my all too familiar chair,
perusing 'The Shack' by WM. Paul Young.

knowing that i would not be distracted,
i took dis time to read, reflect and take stock of where i am.
and in front of my gaze,
was 2 cor 4:6-7 whispering to me.

some time back,
i wanted to blog about 'me-time'.
a time wherein most if not all of us yearn for
one too many times..

but again, the busyness, fatigue and lack of brain juice
just got the better of me.
but now, i've realised that in my head,
there's a whole new definition of 'me-time'.

its not abt spending time wif ourselves,
or the very-much cliched spending time wif God.
but its abt finding yourself in God,
in the very thick of our business.

that, in itself is so profound yet fundamental
so much so that, often we know what it is,
but nvr really gotten around to finding it.
and now, i'm in that place.

this peace that i'm enjoying right now,
is not gonna last.
like everything other good thing,
its gonna disappear the moment i wake up later.

but at least during now,
i can say a little prayer to God.
with absolutely nothing else on my mind,
akin to a friend smiling to another friend without speech.

the peace, the surreality, the joy.
its something i know i won't seek to pursue everyday,
but its something i know i'm blessed to have experienced.
it is, but a gift from our ever-faithful friend.

2010-07-20T10:19:00.002+08:00

estranged.

rest.

2010-07-07T22:14:00.001+08:00

if He carried the weight of the world
upon His shoulders,
i know that my Father will carry me through.

He said go unto Him,
all who're weary..
and He'll give us rest.

hmm.

2010-07-03T04:51:00.002+08:00

his exact words were:

"both your feet stood on the threshold of discovery.
you've alr discovered the knowledge and acquired the experiences.
the Lord is wif you,
you are taking the right path.

as you walk,
you'll find that the path grows wider
and broadens itself in abundance.

you've been blessed wif gifts
and you know how to use them.
you will be a blessing to pple around you,
BUT, use it wif humility."

somehow it feels strange within me,
i don't know if i'm happy, excited, or cautious.
maybe because dis is my first time,
whatever it is, Lord, i trust in You..

hard heart.

2010-06-14T22:53:00.000+08:00

it's strange,
i literally feel my heart hardening.

stuck.

2010-06-08T22:29:00.003+08:00

i'm pretty stuck wif dis qn posted by ps aaron!

"Whatever cannot be proven scientifically cannot be true... Christians believe in God only because they want to believe. Is this true?"

it is tricky because faith and proof
seem to be correlated, although not causal.
seem to be essential to each other,
yet argued to be independent of each other..

can we truly say we can believe without any proof?
can faith be satiated purely based on unproven beliefs?
i know i can't,
and i know the disciples in the Gospel can't too..

so if christians are that adamant to their beliefs
simply because they're brought up wif christian teachings,
or mysteriously convicted to a happenstance.
den why for ages, scholars have been trying to prove christianity's validity?

so if validity is needed to prove credible,
can christianity or evangelism be based and depended
solely on the receivers' want to believe?
i would argue not.

oh! i think i'm getting the ans..
my ans to the question abovementioned,
would be no.
christians and non-christians need proof for beliefs!

because, firstly..
science cannot be used as the universal tool for truth.
it has been proven time and again,
that science is competent, but only to a degree.

if that basis is established wif reasons,
science therefore, cannot be given the power for polarizing truths.
secondly, it is obvious that christians are not mindless creatures,
who believe what our parents believe..

because if christians are like that,
den how do we explain the endless debates on
the validity of christian doctrines and history,
ranging from Jesus' existence to layman holy grail.

okay, maybe i might not haf the ans yet.
coz there is the other side of the argument,
where people are fed wif all the facts and reasonings they need,
but still chooses to not believe.

maybe its out of defiance,
or their personal ego issues.
but i can dare say,
for pple who choose not to believe are not looking for ans.

they're just merely challenging,
not seeking to be convinced.
however, there are still some who sincerely challenges,
to be convinced and believe wholeheartedly, convicted..

so is it prudent to draw a distinction between
belief (or blind faith) and belief (convinced through proof)?
i would guess not,
coz God didn't make us wif binary configuration.

we're not either 1, or 0.
neither are we fully emotional and illogical..
we're both.
and i'd say, it takes more than proof to prove.

friendship?

2010-06-04T00:37:00.002+08:00

"What is the sign of a friend? Is it that when he tells you his secret sorrows? No. It is that he tells you his secret joys."

- Oswald Chambers.

how often do we go in prayer
to tell God how happy or thrilled we are?
sadly, as i reflect upon my own prayer life,
it is often heavy-laden and request-laden..

haf i also not treated God as a friend?
and what audacity do i haf,
to even lament that He doesn't answer,
or that i feel so far from Him.

often i allow the 'humane-plea' card to trump,
"i'm only human, i'm not ready, i don't know."
but haf i really seek God
and am truly interested in what He has to say?

i guess, maybe not.
simply because i was too caught up,
too messed up within that i'm almost impervious.
all these, just a maybe.

now that the Lord has made the first step,
it is only right, for me to reciprocate..
how easily and subtly haf i taken You for granted.
oh dear Lord, would You forgive me for i was foolish.

lost?

2010-06-03T19:40:00.002+08:00

i don't know,
i don't know.
i really don't know.
i just wanna know..

dis was what one of the great minds said,
being versed in many aspects,
only to find out how little we know,
only to find out how much at times we thirst for answers.

ever felt like you've gotten all your answers,
yet at the same time,
felt like you don't know
or don't understand anything?

i rmb there was once in pri sch,
wif the answer key in hand,
i thought i conquered the world of the assessment book,
only to find out in dismay that i've known nothing at the end.

are answers sometimes really that needed?
if it was all that important,
why didn't God give us in the first instance,
so that we might excel, or so we might think we will..

and after all these,
i could only humbly say,
it was the process that is treasured,
not the end result.

and now i finally understood,
why are more marks allocated for workings in a math qn,
than the answer itself.
coz answers nvr change, its how we discover it..

choice.

2010-06-03T11:50:00.005+08:00

many of us haf once in a while,
lamented that we've no choice
or that we're 'waiting' for God to make a way,
or waiting for God to give us second, or third confirmation..

and i was just wondering,
if God, like men, delay in His replies..
i would think not.
what is He up to then?

in the past,
i was taught that God's timing is perfect.
which is not wrong,
its just however, not the complete reasoning..

none of us here on the face of the earth
can say wif confidence
"i know exactly what God is thinking/planning"
so that itself proves that we know v little.

but think of it dis way,
if God's timing is perfect,
den would dis 'delay' be an action itself,
or is it just a passive 'wait'?

if you would,
give me a chance to let me explain my thoughts from here on.

each and every decision or answer we get,
is deliberated wif large intent and consideration..
and each decision we make upon listening,
requires IMMEDIATE obedience.

so if obedience were designed to be made immediately,
where does 'waiting' fit in?
isn't it an oxymoron to 'wait immediately',
or to ask for 2nd confirmation immediately?

a few pple once told me,
God often replies "yes, no, wait"
is the last option a mitigation plea from mankind?
just to buy us some time to digest the ans we don't wanna hear?

i agree that 'wait' might be a plausible option,
but that doesn't mean we hang on to it until it fulfills, does it?
if we hang on to it till it fulfills,
that technically leaves God wif 'yes' and 'wait'..

can God be framed in our options? no.
will God be framed in our options? no.
God is still sovereign and all-knowing,
whether we like the ans or not, obey immediately..

if you haf no peace to date dis girl, obey immediately.
if you haf no peace to pursue an education now, obey immediately.
once we obeyed, we move on and don't look back,
coz even if the ans was 'wait', the time will come.

so i guess it is prudent to say that for an ans like 'wait',
it is right to take it as a 'no', and move on..
until God says we're ready,
He'll once again put it back in our lives.

God will make a way
where there SEEMS to be no way.
He has alr made the way,
the onus is upon us to obey it..

painful, harsh, abrupt,
it is only right to obey.
not that a gf or an education is all important to God,
that He's making such a huge fuss abt it..

but it is our obedience that He's interested in.
it wasn't isaac that God was interested in,
it was abraham's faith and obedience
that God was interested in..

grand dads.

2010-05-23T22:55:00.002+08:00

i was sneaking a break in the afternoon,
and tuned in to the funeral of Dr Goh Keng Swee.
dis sort of broadcast naturally attracts my attention,
maybe coz i like to see how their 'nuggets' of life told.

apart from the detailed and solemn ceremonial rites,
i was looking forward to the eulogies given by the 5.
and among the 5, the speeches from his grandchildren
tugged a lil at my heartstrings.

i was envious of them,
not because of their distinguished birth.
but it was the kindred spirit and great adoration,
they had of their grandfather/granduncle.

and i thought to myself,
"if only i had a grandfather to confide in as well.."
i don't haf the privilege or luxury to haf advices,
or even nags from a grandparent anymore.

maybe that's why i tend to confide in pple,
who are much much older than me.
coz somehow, they seem to haf gotten out of the 'rat race',
and could assure and help me refocus on the big picture..

i wish i had somebody who could influence my thoughts,
advise me on tough decisions i'm laid wif,
telling me history that books couldn't cover,
keeping me in check..

ahh, in such subtle melancholy
i tread back to my books,
only again to find myself drained and alone.
sometimes even lost.

is it again a signal,
that i ought to find a mentor?
i don't know,
but i'll do what i do best. wait.

whirl.

2010-05-13T13:16:00.001+08:00

after all these that had happened,
all i know i gotta do now,
right at dis very instant
is to focus on my revision, and focus on God!

why, not what.

2010-05-05T18:06:00.002+08:00

ever wondered why Apple is more popular than the rest?
ever wondered why PAP is more popular than the rest?
simply because people buy why they believe,
not what they do.

pple buy what we believe, not what we do.
and if dis motion proposed by simon sinek is valid,
den i'd like to bring it a step further,
and talk abt evangelism..

with reference to the video on ted.com
and facebook notes of pastor aaron,
i'd like to add a few observations
and try to see if dis can change the way some of us think.

sinek talked abt consumerism as a belief identity.
when we (as producers or salesmen) act out what our beliefs are,
pple who believe in the same thing as us,
would naturally be attracted to what we believe and do..

apple, like many other computer organisations
make computers for a living.
but because apple pronounced their beliefs
and why they innovate certain things, hence, the sales.

if the abovementioned hasn't struck any familiar chord,
let me give you the flipside of it.
the other not so popular computer making organisations
advertise what they do, instead of why they do..

so what sinek was trying to put across here is that,
pple do not buy what you do, but why you do them.
viz-a-viz wif pastor aaron's notes on consumerism christianity.
how haf we been evangelizing so far?

just recently, i saw 2 of our youths on fb,
trying to persuade their friend to come for a church camp.
lo and behold, the tactics used were somewhat,
disappointing and i'd say, shallow.

though the intentions were pure and good-willed,
but how they did it, was sad..
are we christians commissioned as salesmen for Christ?
worst, we used worldly temptations to lure pple.

often, we find ourselves subconsciously trying to 'promote' Christ.
going through all the hassle and pains to 'sell' christianity.
sometimes even having to use 'illegitimate' means like,
"there are alot of fun, pretty girls, etc.."

before we're even convinced wif what the bible says,
are we attracted by those worldly attractions?
and if, God forbid, they come for church camp for the wrong reasons,
is it glorifying God?

is God really interested in numbers?
did Jesus use worldly attractions to attract believers?
i would think not.
Jesus basically enunciate WHY He loved us, not what He can do.

if sinek and pastor aaron's observations were proven valid,
den shouldn't we share Christ wif our whys and not whats?
and for that to happen,
we must first ask ourselves why do we believe in Christ.

if we cannot even figure out why we love Christ,
we can forget abt sharing abt Him to our peers..
and for that to happen,
again, it boils down to an authentic r/s wif Christ!

only when we're truly convinced and convicted
that Jesus is the ONLY Way, Truth and the Life,
then only can we be zealous and fervent to share our beliefs
wif others whom we love as well.

and when we share Christ wif them,
we don't tell them what can Christ do for them.
we tell them why Christ died and love them.
coz fundamentally, pple buy why we believe, not what we believe.

desire.

2010-04-26T22:39:00.001+08:00

a heart that follows hard after thee.

sinned.

2010-04-25T17:48:00.003+08:00

i was weak,
i was tempted.
above all that,
i gave in to temptation..

i used to think consequences were one-off atonement.
because of the influence of the world today,
even in the judiciary..
consequences are often construed as a sentence.

with my foolishness,
i used to think consequences are quenched by atonement.
with my ignorance,
i tried to use leniency to mitigate the price due..

like king david, who consequently wrote psalm 51
was going through dis exact same situation i find myself in.
he was tempted by beersheba..
lust led to guilt, which led to cover up and finally murder.

i find myself trying to cover up my sins,
by hoping and praying and devising my own leniency.
in a bid for self-righteousness and pride,
i covered up over and over.

james summarized the consequence of sin.
it reads in james 1:14,
"... but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire,
he is dragged away and enticed."

it goes on in verse 15,
"then, after desire has conceived,
it gives birth to sin; and sin when full grown,
gives birth to death."

so after all that david has done to cover up,
the consequence meted by nature was an illegitimate pregnancy.
and when david realises that he has no more options but to plead,
he pleaded that God would at least spare the child.

as we all know, prophet nathan heard from God and told david,
that the child will surely die.
so being so guilty and miserable, david continued to fast and petition.
but to no avail..

through these all,
in reference to psalm 51,
i've learnt from david as well,
that i've sinned against God and only to Him..

if only i had the clarity of mind,
and was disciplined and in tuned wif the Holy Spirit earlier.
these wouldn't haf happened.
but in any case, regret breeds no good ending..

and once king david received news that the child died once delivered,
he rose up from his fast and led his life once again.
dis time, he knows that God has forgiven him,
and death has alr taken place, time to move on.

and so the story goes,
david took beersheba as his concubine,
and the next son, which is solomon
was made king over israel after david.

so after all these, what needs to be learnt?
first and foremost, hear and obey.
do not be enticed and sin,
because sin causes death, inevitably..

Lord, save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me.
and my tongue will sing of Your righteousness.
haf mercy upon me..

Lord, thank You for teaching me,
that the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit.
and broken spirit and a contrite heart,
You will not despise..

jehovah jireh.

2010-04-23T00:05:00.003+08:00

dis is my testimony,
that i wanna burst out sharing wif you!
first and foremost,
God is amazing, steady and unchanging!

some of you might know that i'm not working now,
so since there's no input fiscally,
somehow someday, resources will deplete.
today, was a day of ups and downs..

i shall leave the nitty gritties to private conversations,
so if you wanna know,
you can come up to me or msn me k?
so here goes.

i was really broke, like really.
there isn't even enough to withdraw at all..
and i thought i had it all planned out,
i forgot my ezlink and hp bills are by giro.

so got deducted and i forgot to take into account!
both my wallet and bank are dry.
the last time i was dis broke,
was when i was in sec 4, 8 yrs ago..

so, i spent my last dollars buying my siblings lunch.
and came home, contemplating if i should ask from my parents.
you know after not asking allowance from them for so long,
somehow its just really hard to approach them for allowance again?

i hesitated, and asked God.
if it was my pride that He wants me to curb..
so i contemplated on,
and left the matter as it is.

somehow i could feel a tug within me,
"trust Me.."
and since 8 yrs ago,
i didn't hafta worry abt finances at all.

not that i'm some rich kid,
but money always come!
and so, i was thinking abt how am i gonna survive further.
and i prayed, "i will place my faith in You, Father."

so after sch, i was really famished.
i went to the 7-eleven and bought stuff
wif the remains in my bank.
and when i reach the counter, i was astonished.

the cashier told me,
"oh, dis sausage bun is on offer, buy 1 get 1 free."
i was so super happy, i almost teared!
so i paid and went to take another one.

and when i came home,
there lies 20 bucks on my table! mysteriously!
just when my mum popped into my room,
i asked if it was her who gave me 20 bucks.

she said she don't know any 20 bucks i'm talking abt!
and up till now, i cannot figure out who left the money.
i tried to do the math.
my dad doesn't give me money like that, only my aunty would.

but then again, my aunty usually gives 50, not 20!
so i concluded, it was God-sent!
though it might be a small amount,
but it is a huge amount to me..

and at dis point, it really doesn't matter how much anymore.
the point is, HE PROVIDES IN HIS OWN SWEET WAYS!
it really warms my heart,
and if i could, i'd cry too, really.

He's a God so big!
yet, He cares abt our nitty gritty details in our lives.
best of all,
He heard my prayer even though i'm sucha sinner..

sometimes i think we're too caught up in
'looking out' for God.
looking out for the BIG things we'd expect Him to do,
but it is in these small details that we find Him.

are you still sticking your neck out and lamenting,
"He hasn't spoken to me or blessed me.."
or haf you learnt to look at the nitty gritty details
in your daily activities?

and to top it all up,
today, or rather, ytd was my baptism bday.
i just turned 3!
happy bapday to me..

Lord, i'm so blessed to be able to call out to You.
i'm so blessed to even haf known You.
i'm so blessed to be able to call You abba Father.
i'm so blessed that the Father of all things loves me, a nothing.

too long.

2010-04-19T00:33:00.003+08:00

its been sucha long time,
not because i've nothing to say
but because i chose not to..
why? because it doesn't edify.

but through dis 17-day hiatus,
i've found for myself a new way to solace.
a way in which i should've taken a long time back,
that is a daily prayer and reliance on God.

each day, i wake up bothered by a million things,
but i thank God that each night,
i can go back to Him and thank Him
for all that He'd done for me.

i've made far too many mistakes in the past,
too many that if i don't ratify it now,
i'll probably haf a closet so full of bones.
too much going on, too little reason to say..

apart from all the regrets and bane in life,
i truly thank God for dis season in my life.
that i can focus fully on Him,
assured each night that i'm on the right track..

though there isn't surety,
but somehow the peace in me affirms my decisions.
i may not be in the best shape now,
but i know dis season, is inevitable.

may dis mandate not leave me till i've learnt.
so that i will nvr commit the same again..
i'm not sure where dis will lead me to,
but i'm sure i want to follow You!

dream.

2010-04-01T23:46:00.002+08:00

i dreamt a dream..
it really struck me hard, albeit a lil too short.

i was singing a new song in my QT,
"Jesus, Lover of my soul..
all i haf i give to You,
take dis, my heart in whole."

and the next scene was me on my knees,
lifting my conjoint palms in front of me.
and within it,
was my heart..

it wasn't the cartoon kinda heart,
but the real pumping heart wif arteries and stuff.
it has a lot of holes,
and i could tell, it was worn out.

but as i sing on,
i felt peace..
there wasn't a tinge of sadness,
but all surreal and joyful.

it was then,
it dawned upon me that the Lord delights
in a broken and contrite heart.
that He's here to heal and love the sick..

i was happy within me,
that i could surrender my heart to Him!
finally, i was able to give wif a gladness and trust.
and i know He's well-pleased wif me..

dear Lord, i give You my all.
and dis is all i haf,
my broken and contrite heart!
take it, and mould it..

accidents.

2010-03-25T12:27:00.002+08:00

it takes an accident
to help us regret our recklessness.
it takes a near-accident
to help us appreciate God's mercy.

was in a traffic frenzy ytd,
trying to ferry pple here and there.
rushing and weaving didn't use to pose any problems,
but ytd, i had a few near-death experience within hours.

but i thank God that i'm still alive now,
and i thank God for helping me cope wif complacency.
i might be careful and good at gauging distances,
but that doesn't mean others around me will be..

for the first time,
i meant my prayer.
"may the Lord grant us journey mercies,
as we depart from dis place."

greener?

2010-03-19T00:46:00.005+08:00

many a times, we tend to look across.
a quote uttered one too many times,
'the grass always look greener the other side'
somehow, i was reminded of dis in the shower.

thinking from a sheep's perspective,
do i really care if the other side's greener?
all i care is i've grass in front of me!
wherever i go, i know there'll be grass to graze..

on the other hand,
thinking from a shepherd's point of view.
i'm not caught up eating the grass,
neither am i made to eat grass!

but what i'm here to do,
is to make sure my flock has grass to eat.
so i should be the one looking on the other side!
in fact, i hope my sheep will not look there..

i'm not gonna be an anal opinionated persona here,
and apply direct personification on the characters.
in other words,
i'm not saying we're the sheep, Jesus is the shepherd..

all i'm saying is that,
we're made for different roles.
and that we'll no wonder be frustrated,
to try and fit into a bigger or non-fitting role!

imagine the sheep trying to stick out its neck,
looking out for greener pastures.
firstly, it'll be hungry most of the time,
secondly, it cannot look far coz it doesn't haf a neck!

and now, imagine the shepherd trying to eat grass.
trying to actually taste which kinda grass taste nicer,
in order for a better life for his flock..
other than the already-insane nebuchadnezzar, nobody does that!

but the strange thing is,
we tend to look at other pple for comparison.
i've a friend who compared himself wif his friend,
"at least you can talk to her openly, i can't!"

and another who said,
"why can't i just die now and go heaven?"
the problem here is dis,
we often compare and feel so bad abt it that we wanna escape.

but if that was even a solution,
i don't think we even need to spend life on earth.
God could've just made us angels,
void of human intricacies and conundrums!

but the fact that we're here,
shows that we've something to learn or take from here.
and i highly doubt that
God wants to teach how the escape route..

sometimes, life is just as simple as 'grazing' on
the pastures right in front of us.
be it bitter or sweet, sometimes bittersweet,
it's sometimes better to do what we're called to.

and leave the looking out and planning to the shepherd.
afterall, he doesn't hafta eat grass!
and we can only graze on the grass wherever we're led,
when we truly trust and obey the shepherd.

pple say sheep are stupid,
but i'd say, sheep are smart and humble.
at least it doesn't try to be what's its not made to be.
and that makes us, the intelligent kind, foolish..

trusting and obeying are mandatory, albeit difficult.
but if it was easy,
it no longer is a sacrifice or offering.
it'll just be a non-event..

Lord, i wanna truly trust and obey You.
for there's no other way to be happy in You,
but to trust and obey.
may You continue to strengthen me, and teach me..

zing!

2010-03-17T00:37:00.003+08:00

since you don't fancy a tagboard on your blog,
or allow comments on your posts.
i've a heartburning reply to say!
so i shall do it here..

zing! i know we've at least 1 ardent fan
who reads our blog quite regularly.
and as statistics proved,
i've not been blogging too!

been really swarmed lately as well!
i'll try to stay alive,
and you too ya?
till then, amigo!

Lord, this is me to You.

2010-03-12T20:35:00.001+08:00

Shepherd of my soul
i GIVE YOU FULL CONTROL
wHEREVER YOU MAY LEAD,
i WILL FOLLOW.

i have made the choice
to listen for Your voice
wherever You may lead,
i WILL GO.

grace.

2010-03-08T11:52:00.003+08:00

Lord, indeed Your grace still amazes me.

Your love, is still a mystery..

i know there's nothing i can offer you,

but my praises and life i give You!

greatest blessing.

2010-03-08T00:38:00.000+08:00

knowing You, Jesus
knowing You..
there is no greater thing!

hoo am i.

2010-03-05T16:39:00.004+08:00

my sister and some of my friends
will be revealed where they stand
in the eyes of dis world,
through the man-declared yardstick of excellence.

needless to say,
in general, some crushed, others elevated.
but at dis point in time,
how many christians actually say 'my treasure's in heaven'?

true that the bible doesn't give us assurance
in hope to quash natural disappointments and distress.
the bible serves to guide us,
not make us into emotionless robots for communal living..

i, for one am not particularly talented in consoling.
but i do know, that i'm a very resourceful person..
it is almost inscribed and soldered on my motherboard,
that i look for solutions rather than emotional-quenchers.

a huge flaw of desmond hoo is that,
i find it an uphill task to console
or to be consoled, for that matter.
i guess i've pissed a few pple off coz of dis!

but looking at my strength,
i've learnt to stay clear of emotional zones
and source for alternatives or solutions at the background.
so that when he/she is ready, i can be of help!

my sister, for instance,
have been struggling wif JC life and studies.
she took an arduous 3yrs to get a slightly-below-par cert.
being her bro, i need not be too conscious abt what i say.

in my family, i've been dubbed
the guy wif the least temper and emotions.
come to think of it,
they haven't seen me cry since the last time they caned me.

i'm always known to be the guy wif solutions,
or advice, so to speak.
my dad's the Hoo's handyman,
and i'm the Hoo's candyman.

and so wif my sister's case,
i was left wif the task to convey the results
to my parents, who're not that qualified academically.
assured that i know right words to use, my sis was relieved.

i've no idea where dis post is heading,
maybe coz there're alot in my head now.
but pls pardon my rant,
maybe i'll be able to conclude somewhere..

i guess sometimes, its abt knowing who you are?
one of my greatest regrets,
is that i look to the other pasture
one too many times.

always thinking,
"if only i was there.."
"if only i can.."
"if only i was given.."

but nvr looked at who and what i was really made to be.
i almost fell into that same booby-trap dis yr..
will nvr forget how i felt when i was given a chance
to pursue a degree wif my poly gpa.

i was elated, and felt as though finally someone believed in me.
but as soon as the term began,
i started looking at other scheduled universities around.
"if only i'd haf studied harder in poly.."

realising that i was distracted by airy-fairy if onlys,
i decided to put my foot down
and do the best wherever God placed me.
and trust that He knows what He is doing!

and praise the Lord,
i manage to do pretty well in my first half of the sem!
finally getting a sense of studying all over again.
i'm poised to be focused ahead..

but at the same time reminding myself,
that regardless of what results i might get,
my self-worth is not based on the yardstick that men planted!
and i'm here to honour God in the place He brought me..

so for those of you who're struggling wif your self-worth,
or some of you who do not exactly know what you want in life,
start from your current position.
and figure out why are you there..

if its coz of your parents, peers,
or coz of socio-pressures or coercion,
den ask yourself who are you living for.
if its for God, den seek His counsel, not man's!

He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

- Philippians 1:16

expectations.

2010-03-03T11:12:00.003+08:00

in the midst of mugging and prepping,
i was just thinking,
if i can ever meet up to them.
my own expectations, and other's expectations of me.

suddenly it dawned upon me,
the self-worth issue.
insofar as the bible puts it,
the our worth is in Christ alone.

but its interesting to note that, we're placed in dis world,
succumbed to powers and opinions OF dis world,
at the same time reminding ourselves
that our treasures are of somewhere else.

and even more interestingly,
even christians would sometimes base worth
on a set of transcripts and a spanking resume.
or a good life is not just in Christ alone, but job too.

apart from reminding ourselves when need be,
that out treasures and worth are not of dis world,
how else should we be reminded or encouraged.
what other heavenly benchmarks are there?

oh wait,
aren't we the ones who came up wif benchmarks or yardsticks?
let me try to put it together again, properly dis time.
what other milestones in our lives encourages us of our faith?

for paul, he was credible not because of his phD equivalent,
but because he was appointed to be the apostle of Christ.
dis is evident in all his letters in the new testament,
where his salutations flaunt apostleship, not scholarship.

for david, solomon and all other god-appointed kings of old testament,
their worth was easily identified wif their empire.
for david, he was accredited the title 'man after God's own heart'.
for solomon, he was allowed 1000 ladies married to him and his wisdom.

i'd like to talk abt david a lil more here.
he was given the abovementioned title,
simply because of his God-abiding lifestyle..
for a detailed analysis, refer to zing's blog.

but i guess it would be pretty safe to assume and conclude
that him being a king, a king of a nation in dis world,
is not so much of his own endeavor,
but because he obeyed God, and in turn was blessed richly.

the world may see him as a man of stature,
but we all know david has an intimate r/s wif God.
so what happens here is that,
its an inward out process, always has been.

david had a goal in mind,
to please God's heart and ultimately finishing the race.
but God honoured david by giving him authority on earth,
not coz he deserves it, but coz He knows david can handle it.

back to my fear of letting fatigue seep in,
i guess i shan't hold my expectations too tightly.
coz i know i commit them to God,
and i wanna honour Him for all that i do.

in terms of academics,
dis is what God gave me,
and where He placed me.
but i'm sure He'll use me in ways i cannot see.

and i shall not live to fulfill expectations,
but live to please His heart.
easier said than done,
but its easier knowing that i'm doing to honour Him!

Lord, i give You my life, my studies, my career.
these are temporal goals and aspirations,
Lord, i'm more interested in what You think of me.
Father, take me, use me.

somemore?

2010-02-20T19:32:00.002+08:00

ytd i had 2 dental appts.
wif a tinge of hope that i might be
relinquishing the dental chains,
i was left disappointed..

why i had 2 appts back to back was because,
i had to take out the wires of the braces
and do a lil filling for one of my tooth.
it appears to be too small..

and if i were to close the gap without the filling,
it'll be alot of closing to do,
my jaws won't match if that happens.
so i decided wif the filling.

i went there, and had a taste of freedom for a stint.
once the wires were cut,
allowing me to go to another dentist for filling
it was a weird feeling..

remembering how i hated the feeling of having braces,
i can't wait for them to come off!
but once it was off for a while,
i actually preferred it bounded.

it was loose and the whole row of teeth could move.
it feels like my teeth were gonna drop off!
while walking to the other room,
i was fiddling them wif my tongue.

thinking to myself,
"will i live wif these loose teeth for the rest of my life?"
and so after clarifying wif the dentist,
he cooly said, "oh, loose right? its normal."

many a times, we wanted to change our lives for the better,
coming up wif resolutions,
in a bid to rid ourselves of bad habits or sinful shackles.
but when we're finally free, we want the shackles back on.

sometimes, we hafta admit that we hold on
because we're just afraid of the 'new' beginning.
not wanting to go through another transition.
who likes changes anyway?

in one of the ep in heroes,
there was a scene filled wif literature.
"peter, why can't you forgive me?"
"coz when i forgive you, i'll lose nathan (peter's bro)."

is it really that hard to stop sinning?
or at least stop committing conscious sins.
which one deserves more beating?
an ignorant offender, or a blatant offender?

its weird, the kinda things humans want.
sometimes we say we don't understand God..
it is true, He's too big for us to fathom.
but why don't we try understanding ourselves first.

religiosity or religion?

2010-02-15T01:24:00.002+08:00

i just alighted from an interesting cab ride
wif mark and zing.
the cab driver, a senior,
was going on abt religion to army to politics.

he was going on abt religious harmony,
and of coz, talking abt pastor rony tan's "insensitivity".
i think its the 3rd day in a row,
that i've been involved in dis topic..

but in the cab ride,
it got me wondering..
alot of devotees, including christians
tend to be v protective over what pple say abt them.

and a thought just struck my mind,
what are we defensive abt, really?
defending God, or defending christianity,
or for some, defending our face or outlook?

come to think abt it,
is God that small that He needs us to 'fight' FOR Him?
i think He'd be really happy
if we even live our lives right for Him to begin wif.

but we're always hovering around dis topic,
"all religions teach good things. all are good.
there's no need to fight.
you respect me, i respect you.."

but i realise till today,
esp christians,
tend to be very very defensive when pple talk abt them.
and always trying to 'paint' a good outlook.

in fact, most of the time
80% of the reason why some anti-christians hate christianity,
is because of how we 'act',
pretty ironic, isn't it?

what are we defending, really?
our r/s wif God, or our label of religion?
there was once a bright man who said dis,
"i do respect Jesus, but not His people."

there are some discrepancies in that line,
but i don't wish to go there.
is it abt time we look inward?
and be humble and realistic wif our r/s wif God?

being humble isn't keeping quiet,
being humble isn't agreeing wif the general crowd.
Jesus nvr needed to defend Himself or for His Father,
Jesus lived His life the way He preaches.

there's really no need for us
to upkeep a good image for christianity on the outside.
it is what happens inside that will overflow..
not paste posters of religiosity on our faces.

and if we fumble or sin,
let us be accountable to God alone.
we can't stop pple from criticizing,
but we can be humble and go before the Lord, repentant.

our kingdom is not of dis world,
we can barely keep our lives in check wif God's commission.
let us work on our lives first,
before we try to portray a whitewashed image.

oh, but i hafta agree wif the cab driver
that LKY's a really brilliant leader.
i don't hafta to be politically charged person,
to acknowledge and respect my leader for his brilliance.

but we really need to pray for him,
that the Lord will unveil his eyes
and reveal Himself to him.
may God's will be done in his life..

reunions/cny

2010-02-13T23:14:00.003+08:00

for most, they hate it.
for some, they love it.
for few, they don't have it.
for me, i don't understand it.

i guess the only time when i really enjoyed cny,
was when i was a kid.
chilling wif all my cousins and siblings,
running around and doing nonsense.

but when i hit sec 1,
i realise i don't really like cny gatherings.
i don't even like getting the ang baos!
its a lil too awkward for me man..

sometimes, when i really wanna go visit a friend
after a long long time.
and since cny has the longest holiday,
thought it'll be a good time to pop over.

somehow, the awkwardness of getting ang baos
really impedes me from visiting!
maybe i think too much, again,
but i guess i don't like it when pple think i go for ang baos?

and eversince my grandfolks passed on,
the number of relatives going to the 'headquarters' seems to deplete.
today, it was just my family and dickson's family wif another aunty.
the rest? didn't go, overseas, on bad terms..

was just telling my parents,
in about 10 yrs more,
reunions can happen either online
or just wif 2 families..

no longer having 6 siblings and above,
our family gatherings are bound to shrink in further years.
and by then, what cny atmosphere will we talk abt?
it is rather sad.

come to think of it,
i really kinda miss my grandma.
though i seldom talk abt her,
but her voice and look still remains deeply etched in my heart.

"eh? ah siang, ah li sen ga ah wei leh? hia buey lai ar?"

caught up.

2010-02-06T22:28:00.002+08:00

its been so long..

i've really been wanting to blog,

but couldn't find the time to.

its sad that studies become a distraction from God now..

today, when i was on my way home

in the hot humid sickening weather.

many thoughts hovered in my fatigued mind,

but i only want to grasp the key point.

"its nvr good enough.

studying is nvr enough.."

those were my rhetoric,

and i took a few more steps..

"its abt time i let God define 'enough'."

what am i chasing after?

am i like a prisoner taking his first whiff of freedom,

or yet another paper chaser?

sadly, i think i'm both.

today mj and i were sharing

how studies can sometimes take away our focus from God.

after so much reading the entire day,

we've to turn to yet another reading for QT.

and even when we pray,

we'll be constantly thinking abt our essays.

instead of focusing on God,

we focus on papers..

ahh, great awakening.

i wanna apologise to all my friends whom i've neglected.

i ask that you guys would give me some time to adjust,

been 3 yrs since i studied!

Lord, i ask that You'll forgive me as well.

for being like the world,

always in the chase of nothing.

Father, restore my 'dying land'..

God-given?

2010-01-26T01:18:00.005+08:00

and so for those who know,
i got the roles.
and i may be appearing more than once,
and i even haf lines!

after the audition today,
not sure if i'm just excited or nervous.
but i'm really uncertain of what is to come!
the work load and all..

but i shall stick to what i set out to do,
listen to what gary said,
"focus, focus. do only things that can add to your resume."
hahhahaha!

but i can understand where he's coming from,
i've been taking up too many things all of a sudden.
and am jumping at almost all the opened doors,
is dis what God intended?

amidst all these hype and scouring,
i shall be still and follow God's lead..
focus on what i've started on,
and finish it well!

these adhoc jobs can supplement my resume,
and free up some flexibility in my fiscal concerns.
other than that,
i shall not dwell so much on them!

peace?

2010-01-22T09:51:00.002+08:00

so many times i've told my friends,

go ahead only if you've the peace God gives..

but more often than not,

how does that peace feel like?

ytd night as i was praying,

somehow i wasn't feeling right abt the audition.

so i prayed and asked God what was He trying to tell me.

as i wait and wait, nothing came.

so as it was getting late,

i went to sleep.

dis morning i woke up,

i was still feeling somewhat queasy and uneasy abt it..

there seemed to be a voice tugging at me,

"don't go. don't go.."

brushing it aside,

i thought i was just being nervous.

as the boisterous wind howled against my window,

i thought, "so damn inconvenient la!"

but being professional,

i braved the wind and rain..

and as i lugged my bags,

walked through 10 blocks, almost reaching the bus stop

my phone rang.

the person called and proposed to postpone the audition.

there and then,

after i hung up, i froze for abit..

so that was what the tugging feeling was all abt,

i was slightly intrigued by it.

so was that really what God has tried to protect me from?

inconvenience?

or was it something more than that?

dis, i'll only know when monday comes..

till then, i'll learn to obey the small meek voice.

though sometimes i might be confused by my own inner voice.

it is better to heed it and double confirm,

than to disobey and suffer the consequence.

pissed.

2010-01-19T21:51:00.001+08:00

i'm sick and tired, really.

leadership?

2010-01-17T18:37:00.002+08:00

O God, let my leadership
be approved by You alone, and not men.
let my way of life
be applauded by You alone, and not men.

walkagain.

2010-01-12T19:03:00.005+08:00

upsize?

some of us know who dis guy is,
he's one of my friend,
one of my ex cell-member,
and was one of HOF's bassist.

he was also one of my fellow committee member for youth camp,
he was one of my biking friends,
dis man, i know him as smart and reliable.
a friend whom i know would stand up for his friends at all cost.

he was a very bright guy,
pure science class in secondary school.
did well in aeronautical engineering in SP.
very very athletic.

some of you might know,
he met up wif an accident not too long ago.
in fact, he collided on my bday.
on his way home after getting my bday present..

it was so bad, that he almost lost his life.
but thank God, he survived.
although wif an amputated leg..
his left leg, knee down.

despite the disappointments and hurts,
sometimes didn't understand why him!
but i do know,
he's not a man who'd give up that easily.

and i was right,
today, he is walking again!
and i'm very sure that he is alive for a reason.
God doesn't make mistakes.

if you think your life is unfair,
think again.
will God practise favouritism?
not my God though..

though things may seem really unfair and incomprehensible,
but that doesn't mean God's a muddlehead.
He hurts while seeing you hurt,
but He will nvr give up on us!

so if some of us are facing some really difficult periods,
some circumstances we cannot accept.
know that God is wif you,
He is seeing you through, as long as you trust in Him.

inadequacy.

2010-01-12T14:02:00.002+08:00

"Jesus told peter to mind his own business, when he tried to compare his life and trials with john's"

that was my pm on MSN,
in the morning.
and when den suddenly,
zing asked "did He?"

being trained in quoting wif contextual accuracy,
zing and i know that we ought to be backed up,
by the word of God.
it need not be the exact words, but at least the idea.

so confidently, i told him "yep. wait, i go find the verse."
coz i know confidently,
that that was something that kept me in check,
and encouraged me whenever life seems to be unfair.

my basic bible knowledge tells me
that could be found in the gospel.
so i did the biblegateway search..
to my disbelief, there was no such reference.

adamant abt it,
i decided to go through the verses one by one.
starting from matthew 10,
knowing that it happened somewhere during Jesus' ministries.

so i read intently, patiently, word by word.
i finished matthew, DON'T HAVE!
and so i began to quiver in my heart.
thinking to myself, "really don't haf meh?"

so i took heart,
and went on to look in the book of mark.
starting from mark 5,
intently, patiently, word by word. DON'T HAVE!

dis time i was really afraid and upset.
so i decided to take my pm out..
if really don't haf, the last thing i want to do
is to stumble other pple.

but i continued looking from luke.
at the same time,
i asked pauline,
if she has heard abt dis passage before.

so trying tirelessly,
explaining to pauline what the context was.
she told me,
"oh have! that is one of my fav passages. wait, i go find!"

wah, i tell you..
when pauline pasted to me the passage,
it was found in JOHN 21:15-23!!
the last book of the gospel in biblical chronology..

but dis small exercise showed me something.
how weak i was in my bible knowledge..
how faithless i was,
easily toppled during testings.

like as pauline agrees wif me,
the bible is only a story book,
if we read it for bedtime stories.
nothing else.

the bible is the word and breath of God,
if we read it, and practise it in our lives.
and in times of doubts,
memory verses really reinstates our faith.

what is quiet time to you?
is it a 'peaceful' time in the day or night,
where we read the devotionals and verses allocated?
or a time of reflection?

most of us would think that quiet time is for
a time of request, or a time of confide.
but i suppose i would think not..
it is a time of communication.

where i wait upon the Lord,
sometimes i may start off by telling Him abt my day.
but i'm reminded that i ought to talk to God!
communication is 2-way for a reason..

and i've seen the importance of memory verses after today,
if i'm tested by the world or the devil,
how will i stand!
i own a bible, but am i equipped wif it?

sheer determination and self-control
would not supercede
the insights and understandings of God's word!
nvr shall it be..

conviction cannot be achieved by someone else's experience.
conviction can only be worked through the Holy Spirit!
and if we don't communicate wif the Holy Spirit,
we can forget abt being convicted just by reading bedtime stories.

disappointed,

2010-01-10T14:12:00.001+08:00

maybe i was wrong,
maybe i shouldn't haf been so worried for you.

God at work.

2010-01-08T09:34:00.002+08:00

Lord, i thank You for dis opportunity
to be able to read the devotion thru ray stedman.
in which, i've gained a lil more insight
of what Your character entails..

ray stedman beautifully puts together,
what it means to wait upon the Lord.
and apparently,
it isn't a choice, but a rule of life!

and he ensues further in his writing,
naming a couple of examples.
out of which,
i shall expound further on one of them.

it is of a farmer and his farming practice,
wherein, every farmer would know that
there are certain things he can control and work at,
certain things haf to be taken charge by nature.

at the start, the farmer would plant the seed,
although its hard work,
but that's precisely what he needs to do,
and den subsequently go back to rest, while the seed grows.

a farmer doesn't force the seed to grow,
and he doesn't worry or insist that the seed to grow instantly!
it is a process in which he submits to,
wait and trust that God is at work as the seed grows.

many of us in dis modern era,
wants things fast and immediately.
look at the technology these days,
does it even allow pockets of delay?

even in men,
pple wants change almost instantaneously.
obama for instance.
month after month, pple are re-evaluating his performance.

the world doesn't allow time for the change to be effective,
they want instant results.
they expect the fiscal conundrum to untangle quickly,
but that's just not gonna happen!

in micro-analysis on our own life,
aren't we sometimes as impatient as well?
when we commit our lives to God,
we expect an aura or hallow to be above us immediately.

and when pple sin,
we say, "how come christian can like that one meh?"
without even taking into account the gradual change
he's had from his starting point.

and in our love lives,
we often want something fast.
we like somebody and we tend to pounce on the opportunity,
defending that we might 'lose the chance'.

unfortunately, being strong advocates for the idiom,
'strike when the iron is hot'.
no, i personally don't think that's the way to go!
esp when it comes to the matters of the heart.

we've to grow wif the Lord,
and slowly, He'll reveal to us His plan.
slowly but surely, He'll provide.
we might not see it, but that doesn't mean He doesn't.

like the seed,
the farmer could be nail-biting over the night
after he planted the seed BENEATH the ground (unseen),
worrying whether the seed will grow eventually.

the seed continues to grow
even if he sleeps or wakes.
and even if the farmer oversleeps,
the seed still grows!

uncle boo once told me,
"waiting isn't passive. it is constantly proactive."
if the farmer waits and waits passively,
his laziness would coz the seed to rot away.

but if he trust and is conscientiously doing his job,
he stands to reap his toil.
that is a confirmed and proven fact..
God doesn't change His mind like we fickles do.

He is the same ytd, today and forever more.
He provided for abram, moses, david,
that same God He is,
will provide for us, only if we trust and wait upon Him.

pple say, patience is a virtue.
after today,
i'd say, patience is a command.
its the way of life..

Father, teach me how to be patient.
Lord, teach me how to wait upon You as You'd be pleased.
O God, guide my everyday for the rest of it.
Lord, take charge of my life..

pick & choose?

2010-01-06T13:58:00.002+08:00

des: you going prayer meeting tonight?
mj: ya, haf to leh. young adult ministry, and they say all cell leaders must go.
des: oh okay.

mj: but i like not feeling well now man, headache and stuff.
des: so you not going?
mj: don't know. i think if i can finish my work, and feeling better, i'll go.

des: oh, okay..
mj: wah, later got badminton in the afternoon. excited man!
des: i thought you sick?!
mj: ya, but need to exercise man..

des: ... so now i assume God is 3rd place in your life la.
mj: no, God is first. prayer's 3rd.
des & mj: HAHAHHAHA!

that was candid,
although both of us know it was a joke.
but it kinda got me reflecting,
aren't we sometimes like that in other aspects of life?

we tend to pick and choose our situations,
and make conclusive decisions based on our likes.
when there's something we don't like,
we'll naturally decide against it.

for example,
we say we're christians,
we love God and all that yada yada.
and our lives outside church reflect otherwise.

so do we love God,
or do we love the feeling of loving God?
the cross seem a lil too heavy and harsh to carry,
we'll just sign up for membership that's all.

we're christians when we reach out to poor unsaved pple,
go on mission trips and get all fired up for Christ.
but when our close friends get wasted and gamble,
we tell ourselves, "nah! just for the fun of it."

we choose what kinda christians we wanna be, don't we?
do we hide in the shadow of
"i'm only human, God will forgive."
or do we take a conscious effort to exemplify our love for Him?

maybe in our spiritual walk,
some of us might find it a bore or pain to live right.
but what abt relationships?
friendships and relationships..

i rmb when pastor aaron ask me
if i accept my friend for who she is.
i said yes.
den he asked me again if i can accept her flaws.

den i thought abt it and say,
"but some things really cannot compromise ma.."
and he said something which i nvr thought of before.
"when you said accept, what did you accept? good things only?"

and i could tell where he was coming from.
acceptance is not something we can pick and choose.
when we accept, we accept wholesale!
we can't say i accept dis and dis, and i reject that.

its like a terms and conditions contract.
when you sign up for something online,
often we'll hafta click accept before we can click "next",
is there an option that says "edit terms"?

no, that's the package.
take it or leave it..
you don't like certain aspects of it,
you deal wif it yourself, before coming to terms wif it again.

pple and friends are not robots,
we don't program them or tweak them..
we accept them for who they are,
if we can't, den we gotta deal wif ourselves, not them.

i think it takes alot of self-discipline and humility,
to be accepting.
once we find ourselves being more accepting,
loving would come naturally thereafter..

disclaimer: mj and i are fully aware that God AND prayer are important! that it is integral, and not to be differentiated.

be strong!

2010-01-05T17:00:00.002+08:00

i need to run.
aight, i'll go for a run..
somehow, i don't wish to stop.
i wish i could run and run!

coz when i stop,
i'll be back to reality.
the harsh
and painful reality..

Lord, strengthen me!

tough surrender.

2010-01-05T00:06:00.001+08:00

Lord, You know i've given up everything.
You know i've given all that mattered to me,
so that i can follow You.
Father, don't forsake me now..

sunshine?

2010-01-05T00:02:00.004+08:00

well sometimes the sun shines on
other people's houses and not mine.
some days the clouds paint the sky all gray
and it takes away my summertime.
somehow the sun keeps shining upon you,
while I struggle to get mine.
if there's a light in everybody,
send out your ray of sunshine.

i want to walk the same roads as everybody else,
through the trees and past the gates.
getting high on heavenly breezes,
making new friends along the way.
i won't ask much of nobody,
i'm just here to sing along.
and make my mistakes looks gracious,
and learn some lessons from my wrongs.

well sometimes the sun shines on
other people's houses and not mine.
some days the clouds paint the sky all gray
and it takes away my summertime.
somehow the sun keeps shining upon you,
while I struggle to get mine.
a little light never hurt nobody,
send out your ray of sunshine.

oh, if this little light of mine
combined with yours today,
how many watts could we luminate?
how many villages could we save?
and my umbrella's tired of the weather,
wearing me down.
well, look at me now.

you should look as good as your outlook,
would you mind if I took some time,
to soak up your light, your beautiful light?
you've got a paradise inside.
i get hungry for love and thirsty for life,
and much too full on the pain,
when I look to the sky to help me
and sometimes it looks like rain.

as the sun shines on other people's houses
and not mine,
and the sky paints those clouds in a way
that it takes away the summertime,
somehow the sun keeps shining upon you,
while I kindly stand by.
if theres a light in everybody,
send out your ray of sunshine

you're undeniably warm, you're cerulean,
you're perfect in desire.
won't you hang around
so the sun, it can shine on me,
and the clouds they can roll away,
and the sky can become a possibility?
if there's a light in everybody,
send out your ray of sunshine.

busy business.

2010-01-01T22:45:00.002+08:00

busy-ness kills the heart.

few might know,
i'd been crazily busy for the past 2 weeks.
having too many parties to attend,
and a thanksgiving dinner to co-ordinate.

i barely had time for anything!
so much so that,
even appointments which were set aside to hang out wif friends,
became another slot by itself.

i became so forgetful, scatterbrained
that i couldn't find enough strength and time
to look for gift exchange presents, and cards.
all i did was merely receiving!

i felt so bad abt it,
that each night i come home.
wif my last ounce of strength,
i spent regretting my inactions..

not only haf i drawn further from friends,
who ironically, i'm busy wif.
i've drawn away from my family,
close friends and even God.

my time was spent on meeting timelines,
meeting expectations,
and just being physically present.
it was unthinkable..

i was reminded of how busy i was,
when i saw my devotions calendar,
which was previously on my desk in office.
it was dated 29 dec..

that means i haven't stopped and sat at my desk,
since 29 dec.
and it was flipped to 29 dec
only because that was the last time i flipped it in office.

my last day was 31st!
which also means,
my time in office was spent crazily,
striving to meet timelines..

on 1 jan 10,
at round and abt 615am.
i finally plopped my physically and mentally drained body
on my bed.

i told myself,
i really don't wanna start my yr without talking to God.
and when i closed my eyes to pray..
memories flooded back!

memories of how much i missed God.
how much i missed talking to Him..
i felt so distant from Him,
yet at the same time encouraged that He's still here.

and it got me thinking,
how foolish i was.
wasting my life away due to worldly expectations.
i was ignorant of my busy-ness..

all my sins and transgressions flashed back in my tired mind,
and i find myself stuck in a rut.
the lack of courage and fear of doing the things that pleases God,
disgust me to the core of my bones!

and it got me thinking,
who do i really fear?
God, or men?
or maybe dis isn't a clear enough analogy.

let me twist the scope and zoom in further.
who do i really fear?
God, or loved ones?
scary? but its true..

many times we find ourselves
not able to make god-centered decisions,
not because we don't know what is right,
but because we're scared of the consequences.

we know that something is wrong,
yet we continue to wallow in it,
not coz we don't love God,
but we love our loved ones more..

we're afraid that we might hurt that person too much.
translation: we don't trust that God is in control enough.
we're afraid that we might be ostracized.
translation: we don't regard God as highly as we regard friends.

it is downright disgusting,
but very real in our lives..
we know the answer to most conundrums,
but we lack the courage and trust to execute it.

i really want to live it right for God,
no matter what it takes.
and Lord,
i wanna trust that You're in control of ALL these..

avatar.

2009-12-29T00:24:00.002+08:00

caught avatar wif marisha today.
got me thinking for a lil while..
though nothing substantive,
but overall, i think the graphics are awesome!

it got me thinking,
what is truly real?
is it the life we're in now,
or the life in heaven..

for we all know or at least, believe that
when we pass on, we'll go to somewhere else from earth.
be it hell or heaven,
its definitely not on earth.

so which is more real?
a life or body that we can feel pain and joy in,
or a life that we've yet to see.
which is real?

it sounds like the afterlife is more real,
coz technically speaking,
we'll spend a longer time in that form than in dis.
so that must be more real right?

and being a sound debater,
one should not base truth purely on science or sight..
sometimes logic need not be scientific,
it just needs a lil sense in that situation.

and like jake in 'avatar',
sometimes we tend to be too comfortable in our temporal life.
that we end up wondering,
which is the real deal.

watching avatar got me refocused,
that my life on earth is temporal.
even if its a life of mistakes and regrets,
it'll just be that arduous 80yrs max.

what's more impt is to focus on what's real.
our pains are real, so is God's faithfulness.
our joy are real, so is God's love.
our faith is real, so is the Creator of reality.

seasonal reason.

2009-12-26T00:51:00.002+08:00

i truly believe,
that there is a reason for everything.
be it good or bad,
whether you like it or not.

there is always a reason.
now its up to us,
whether do we take charge of our own lives,
or let God take charge of ours.

and should we disobey the course of nature,
not only will we be unready.
we'll hafta bear the consequence of disobedience.
and above all, that would hurt the most..

Lord, i want to be like Job and Abraham.
i want to trust in You,
even when things in my life seem so haywired,
Father, take charge of my life, emotions and thoughts.

drawn.

2009-12-24T09:35:00.002+08:00

i've succumbed to the dark side,
the dark matter of network sites.
fazebook!
no thanks to my colleague who created for me..

if you want, can add me.
coz i'll need some time to navigate through hell.
in the meanetime,
i'll just approve requests modestly!

adios, cleanface.

king or president?

2009-12-16T17:44:00.003+08:00

as i was washing my hands before i left for the day,
suddenly i was just pondering
the difference between a king and a president.
and which would i prefer to be, if i had a choice?

my preference would be that of a king.
coz i'm one not coz of my credentials,
not coz of what i've done or not done,
but simply coz of my birthright.

a president has to be elected,
den subsequently, constituted.
and there is a requirement criteria to adhere to.
qualifications, credentials, qualities and etc..

and the beauty of being a king or a royalty,
is that they're chosen for who they are, not what they are!
regardless of how nonsensical or young a crown prince can be,
he will still be ascended to the throne once its vacant!

and they are chosen by their birthright,
nothing in dis world can alter that.
likewise our r/s wif God.
we're chosen, not coz of what we are but who we are!

and as the song reminds,
nothing you can do, to make Him love you more
nothing that you've done, can make Him close the door.
purely because of His great love!

so the best way to be a God-fearing/loving christian,
is to be a 'child of God'.
coz a child won't seek to impress,
a child seeks for innocent intimacy!

i'm a royalty!
not of dis world, though..

immense hatred.

2009-12-15T11:05:00.002+08:00

i've nvr said dis before,
or rather, i've nvr meant dis so much before.
I HATE YOU, OLD LADY!
I REALLY DO!

if i could curse you to death,
i would.
if nothing else, there's one thing i learnt from you.
you're one stuck-up lady that deserves no respect at all!

2009-12-08T12:43:00.002+08:00

its interesting to see how we tend to make things look easy.
how truths are often coupled wif ugly, hurt..
once in a while,
it is used to set you free.

i think as much as we yearn for love ot be simple,
we're often disappointed.
coz its not an equation,
although it has variables.

it cannot be summed up in a thesis,
although we've so much to talk abt it.
it cannot be generalized as a feeling,
coz it simply entails more than that!

is that why love is so hard?
we sometimes even change 'love' to 'heart'.
i heart so and so..
and the prevailing qn remains, "what is love?'

though christians know that God is love,
why then do christians not grasp the full extent of it?
is it sacrificial, encouraging, supportive, painful and many more?
the truth is, it is all of the above.

that is why sometimes it frustrates to the core.
certain frustrations can be coped better
when we know the root problem.
but more often than not, love conundrums are frustrating!

oh well, live and let live.
if there is a problem called love.
i'm sure there is a solution called love as well.
its up to us to practise it..

grace.

2009-12-07T22:43:00.002+08:00

pertaining to zing's tag,
"that He chooses to forgive and not forget..
just all the more show the beauty of His love n grace.."
coincidentally reminded me of my convo wif 2 colleagues today.

flora: will you still be friends wif your ex bf?
marisha: ya, in fact, i'm still friends wif all of them!
flora: desmond, den you leh?
des: yep, still friends wif my ex gf, but not her new bf.

marisha: ya, i think its okay. my bf cheated on me before,
and i'm still friends wif him!
flora: :O you all are such loving pple.
des: forgive man, forgive.

flora: i can forgive, but cannot forget one lor!
des: but you say you cannot be friends wif your ex,
how is that forgiving?
des: the one who truly forgives, is marisha..

flora: true true.. marisha, you're crazy lor!
marisha: yeah, its okay. just forget abt it. no point harping..
des: you're too nice alr la!
flora: ya lor! i first time hear pple can still befriend her ex lor.

what zing said was totally true,
though it might not make sense at the first instance.
but God is indeed so magnanimous, beyond our understanding!
why then, are we still begrudging small transgressions?

God's grace is indeed sufficient for us,
just that so many times
we opt to wanna haf the winning say.
that's not the most loving thing to do..

consequences.

2009-12-07T10:31:00.002+08:00

mingjie, zing and i had a rather intriguing discussion
at cell last sat.
it was something hard to swallow,
at least for me..

we were talking abt something else,
and we drifted to the grace of God and consequences.
something which we've often misunderstood,
or taken advantage of.

since i don't know what others think,
i thought it'll be prudent to blog only on my views.
i used to think Jesus died on the cross for our sins,
which means we're 'clean' once we repent.

firstly, repentance is usually a once-off affair,
where we repent and try our utmost best to NOT do it again.
whereas, confession happens almost everyday,
where we profess our guilt and sorry to God.

kent chipped in after a while,
quoting an analogy he heard/read from somewhere.
"we're like a piece of white cloth.
each time we sin, blots of stains will be on us.

and each time we ask for forgiveness and repent,
the blots are washed clean.
and as human beings,
inevitably, dis process repeats itself for many many times.

someday, you'll find the cloth getting thinner and thinner,
or turning yellower and yellower.
it might even tear after many washes.
that is the nature of events.."

likewise, the more we sin after repentance,
the more washdown we will get.
and after each wash,
we can nvr be the first-state. NEVER EVER!

that brings us to the consequence part.
mingjie reminded us wif his personal belief and conviction,
that even though God forgives,
consequences will still be playing on.

it is the nature of life,
the very nature that God created.
its like global warming..
we've done a great deal of harm.

and now, the effects of our reckless 'sins'
are merely playing out.
regardless of how guilty we feel,
or how urgently we wanna make a difference.

the bare fact is dis,
that the glaciers will not be 'refrozen' like how it was again.
the temperature will nvr be as cold as before.
the MOST we can do, is to PREVENT the temp from further drop.

zing interjects and contributed,
"is there anywhere in the bible that says explicitly
-God forgives AND FORGETS-?"
we all shook our heads in a brief disbelief.

a phrase or term we use so so often!
so much so that we've the impression that
God forgets our transgressions.
we're sure He forgives, but does He forget?

looking at the nature He made,
the course that nature prevails.
it somehow spells out that
"what is done cannot be undone."

but looking ahead, are we going to keep doing it.
in dis case, keep sinning.
mingjie made another good point,
"there is no such thing as secret sins."

which i think makes alot of sense.
off my head, i can easily quote a few examples!
adultery - the saga around tiger woods.
the seemingly seamless affairs he's had!

they're all revealed.
by way that none of us could anticipate!
a carcrash.
what a way to be exposed, but it happened!

pornography - studies haf shown and was reflected
in the papers last week.
that ALL men watch porn and they watch it alone.
and only a handful watch porn in a group.

is it really a secret sin?
how can pornography and masturbation haf any tangible consequences?
the truth is,
sin manifests in many ways, but nothing can stop its manifestation..

being hooked on porn, will be reflected in our daily lives,
the way we look at females,
the things we fantasized abt
and many other things!

these are the consequences that we've to bear!
we can feel and be however sorry,
but the truth is that we'll still bear the brunt of consequences.
it is sad, but inevitable.

so then, if our repentance changes nothing,
why should we even repent?
dis is the good news of the sad brunt.
each time we repent, He restores Himself to us.

as much as the consequences continue to play out in our lives,
we can be assured that the Lord is back in us.
and His grace and mercy will see us through..
He restores our r/s and communication wif Him.

i've been struggling wif dis many times,
that when i've commited a mediatated sin
the immense guilt serves as an inherent barrier to speaking wif God.
only when i repent, i feel so free to speak to Him again!

so brothers and sisters,
let us not take the cross of Christ for granted.
thinking that we've unlimited 'tokens' to sin and repent.
let us keep our walk focused and disciplined!

leadership.

2009-12-03T17:08:00.001+08:00

perhaps, it is for my own good.
perhaps, it is for the ministry's good.
regardless of which perhaps it belongs to,
i will trust the leadership God placed me under.

conundrum.

2009-11-23T15:19:00.002+08:00

there was a huge untidy pile of papers lying in front of me,
because of my tidy-complex,
i had no choice but to pack it up,
instead of turning a blind eye..

and being a lil too ambitious over myself,
i just picked the whole pile up,
and tried to tap them on the table,
to get the whole pile lined up.

but yeah, it was kinda impossible.
papers were having different bearings altogether!
so i heaved a subtle sigh
and submitted to the nature of physics..

but i was thinking,
isn't the way we sometimes handle our flaws, the same?
ever felt before,
that one fine day, you just decide to sit down and evaluate on life.

and inevitably conclude that you're sucha flawed being.
wif so many bad habits, complexes and even regrets.
yet, out of frustration and 'perfection mentality',
we try in futility, to sort of the dirty linen all at once.

when God showed us time and again,
even if its not in the bible or any literature.
the nature is a very evident hint of who God is..
He is definitely not abrupt.

i myself, am a fond and avid reader on geography.
and through and through, i've realised the beauty of
'letting nature take its course'
how volcanoes and continents are formed.

likewise, as much as a flower or even wildlife takes time to grow,
there is a season for everything.
and sorting out differences isn't as easy and convenient as
taking out a piece of paper and form a checklist to tick from!

it takes time for the knots to untangle,
it takes experience for the process of untanglement.
and we find that skipping a step of that due to impatience
will force us to bear the brunt thereafter..

like the famous story,
where a boy tried to pull the butterfly out of its cocoon
after seeing it struggle to come out and fly,
out of goodwill, he assisted or rather, disrupted the process.

wif a tug, the butterfly's out.
but it couldn't fly coz the wings are not strong enough!
so in the end,
the butterfly became a handicap for life.

because the 'struggling-to-come-out-of-cocoon' process
was intended to strengthen its wings to prepare for flight!
if we skip that 'painful ordeal' or learning process,
we find ourselves handicapped to the similar situation next time.

so i've been reminded again,
to be patient. and take the learning process in stride!
sometimes we need to sort a whole pile of papers bit by bit,
sometimes we've to endure the struggling process.

in order for us to be who God intend for us to be..

living in the moment?

2009-11-20T11:43:00.003+08:00

as i was talking to one of my friends,
amidst all the questioning and talks.
in fact, its been a long long time that he's been out.
so off that he strayed from the faith!

anyways, there was one thing he said,
that sparked a thought in me..
friend: i live in the moment.
des: ?!

den suddenly, i had an impulse to reply
"you know animals live in the moment?"
it was albeit harsh,
i expounded on that rebuttal, and i started to make sense!

and i further asked him,
"what do you think a chimpanzee would do,
if you gave it a million dollars in cold hard cash?"
i guess it was getting a lil more intense here.

den i went on,
"it'll probably use it in luxury to wipe its ass.
coz it was shitting at that moment.."
isn't it true?

you can't blame animals for 'being ignorant"!
firstly, they don't haf the intellect that of a human being.
and they don't haf a purpose in life!
they learn stuff coz they're forced to, not coz they want to.

sure, we can put animals through training school.
but that's for OUR benefit, not theirs..
we keep them hygenic,
coz WE don't wanna be infected by their disease.

we get them toilet-trained,
coz WE don't wanna clean up after them,
not coz of their hygiene!
isn't it?

would they wanna seek higher 'training' to improve themselves?
i dare bet if they had a human brain,
they might very well lament that,
"i don't even haf a soul, nothing happens after i die!"

but as humans, we tend to be 'living in the moment.'..
why?
coz the reality of planning and experiencing
are just too harsh for us to gestate!

and more often than not,
we just wanna run away somewhere.
either to restart our lives, in hope of a clean slate
or to just live in denial, in a bid for a slightly happier lifestyle!

but believe it or not,
wherever we go, whatever mistakes we made.
it is not out there to get us down,
but to help us identify its hurts, so that we can be prepared!

and we often prepare ourselves,
coz we know we're not just accidental occurences,
but we're creations of purpose!
to be a creation, there must be a reason for it.

pple don't create a home just coz they feel like it.
they create it, so that it is somewhere they find comfort in.
even if they create it to look good or as a job,
it is still a reason to create!

and our Creator went a step further than other creators.
He fearfully and wonderfully created us..
in other words, He put lotsa thought and contemplation to it!
He wants the best for us.

although among all the hurts and disappointments,
it is pretty hard to believe or to be convinced
that God created us to love us
and not to find joy in torturing us!

but hey, living in the moment is just not our thing.
we're not made to live in the moment!
snap back and face the truth,
WE ARE MEN PURPOSELY MADE WITH A PURPOSE!

dog-syndrome.

2009-11-19T09:13:00.003+08:00

some of us have watched 'marley and me'.
i wonder if you can rmb dis part, nearing to the end.
where jennifer aniston tells of
how marley tend to move away knowing its time is coming.

i've not figured if that was a myth or a fact
that all dogs choose to die away from pple closest to it.
or is it just marley.
is that self-pity or is that consideration?

knowing how it'd hurt others,
it naturally chooses to be forgotten.
although its virtually impossible,
and somewhat naive.

but sometimes, going off to a faraway place
seems more conducive to rot away, isn't it?
or maybe it is just a cowardly act,
that it can't bear to see its close 'family members' hurt..

i think?

2009-11-16T17:51:00.003+08:00

i think the more i think,
the more i become inferior.
did i not give myself ample reasons and time
to evaluate on who i really am?

it sure seems like the more i think of who i am,
the more i find myself low and disgusted.
so why am i like that?
are there anybody out there who enjoys being low-esteemed?

coz i don't find it fun discovering myself either..

what's left?

2009-11-16T13:34:00.005+08:00

it has been a weekend of thoughts and intrigues.
first, it was the video we watched during cell,
by ravi zacharias.
the other, being the movie '2012'.

let me expound on the former further?
it was a long video,
but i brought home one thought wif me.
would i rather feel pain, or be unable to feel pain.

ravi zacharias, amongst other things, quoted a story.
where a girl who was diagnosed wif a rare disease
Congenital Insensitivity to Pain with Anhidrosis
called 'CIPA' in short..

if you want more info, here.
but in layman's terms,
it is basically a disease or rather, a disorder from birth,
the inability to feel pain.

some of us try so hard to 'mask' our fears,
some of us yearn so much for 'recovery'.
but dis girl, she was born without pain.
but to me, that was the most painful diagnosis.

because of CIPA,
she's gotta haf 4 teachers specially attached to her,
making sure that she doesn't suffer any cuts or bumps,
lest, she bleeds excessively unknowingly.

during her recess time,
she'd hafta put ice into her steamy hot food,
so that the food she place in her mouth,
doesn't scald her tongue or oesophagus..

day after day after day,
her mum aches in her heart.
uttering prayer after prayer at each sunset.
"all i ask for, is that she'd at least feel some pain"

at that instance, i thought to myself,
isn't pain, heartaches, disappointments such a blessing?
that girl didn't know what is dangerous,
she is literally in danger everywhere she goes.

for us, we feel pain, knowing that
certain things ought to be avoided.
we know we shouldn't go near a lighted stove,
or stand near an exhaust pipe of a motorbike.

even in heartaches and disappointments,
we know how to handle those upsets better in future.
we know what ought to be avoided,
and how to avoid in future.

so is pain really a curse, or a blessing?
is it God's way of averting us from a potential fatality?
if that is proven sound analysis,
den shouldn't our prayer of recovery be changed?

instead of asking God to take away our pain,
shouldn't we be thanking God for 'warning' us before its too late?
and at the same time,
pray and ask for discernment and wisdom to handle it?

think abt it..

on sunday, i finally got to watch 2012 wif 9 other friends!
although it was an expected plot,
where the world is coming to an end,
and how men would overcome it etc..

but from that movie,
i picked out one thing as i see the 'calamities'.
God is ALMIGHTY.
we're literally nothing, in every sense of the word.

i noticed how often we shake our heads in shock,
when we see buildings and man-made mega infrastructures collapse.
how pple were killed from natural disasters,
and how vast the disaster upon men was.

but we will hardly move a nerve,
when we see nature destroyed.
without the drama of crashes and fire and screams,
we wouldn't feel much 'pain' from that, would we?

in fact, we feel at ease or relieved when we see the calamity
strike a piece of no-man's land.
away from civilisation,
no calamity is too big to be considered one.

but looking at how an entire city slides into the engalfing waters,
just reminds me of how 'temporal' our 'state-of-the-art achievements'.
what remains, really?
what remains?

as i see how men run, hide and preserve living-kind,
just shows how ignorant and highly we think ourselves to be.
in actual fact, the world will come to an end,
but not as easy to be predicted.

we're so snobbish to a certain extent
that we think we could outsmart God.
using man-made technology to predict the end of time.
and to prepare ourselves for it.

the truth is, we can't.
even Jesus do not know the time of rapture.
so can we really prepare?
did the bible tell us to prepare storage for treasures?

no. the bible only tells us to be ready for the time to come.
ready not in terms of material-preservations.
but ready in our hearts, the one and only thing
that we can and ought to preserve!

are we ready for the time to come?
or are we just 'waiting' for the time to come?
will we only say the sinner's prayer at the last moment
in efforts to 'book a spot' in Heaven?

thank God, that He is a just God, and not just a God.
a Judge who needs no statements of case and defence.
He is the all-knowing God, who knows beyond the exterior.
He sees within..

so will last minute prayers work?
i don't know.
but it is really a matter of grace and discipline.
do rmb, God is gracious, at the same time, righteous!

dear Lord, i thank You for giving us a natural warning system.
an emotion that could detect pain, and avert from the worse.
and many warnings that You've gently given us..
we want to cling onto You!

thank You for choosing us.
thank You for assuring us that all would fade away,
but Your word will still remain.
dis day, carve your words in our hearts, Lord God Almighty!

in Your Son's gracious name we ask,
amen.

ireallywant.

2009-11-10T23:40:00.002+08:00

haf you ever wished that you've the ans to everything?
in dis scenario, i wish i had..

but i know in some scenarios,
i'd rather not haf the ans..

nay, O fickle being!

what is yours?

2009-11-09T09:00:00.010+08:00

and so again, i was on the west-bound train to work.
clutching a book in my hands,
wif wondering eyes and thoughts,
i looked out of the window and pondered upon a particular thought.

some of you might know,
that come 1jan10,
i'll be jobless.
naturally, fiscal concerns arose.

"the Lord will provide in times of need,
in His perfect will and timing."
and as i was trying to be assured by that thought
something else interjected.

it seemingly sounded like a loud disclaimer:
"in His eyes, not yours."
wow. that struck me!
and then i began to follow the trail of my thoughts.

what if God provides,
and gave me a sucky job wif sucky management and pay?
will i be thankful?
will i even acknowledge that its a gift from Him?

and that disclaimer clarified who i really was within.
a term said a tad too many times since ytd,
"self-interest of selflessness".
in this regard, i could reckon it was my self-interest.

i rmb quite a long time ago,
i was conversing wif one of my non-christian friend.
and she said,
"what makes you think heaven is a nice place?"

"what makes you think that whatever God likes, i'll like?"
"what makes you think that whatever you think is nice,
i'd think its nice?"
so is heaven really a nice place? or are christians in denial?

den suddenly, a rainbow came to mind.
and i asked her in return,
"are there any things on dis earth that you'd find, nice?"
"are rainbows nice?"

she pondered for a while and said,
"who wouldn't think rainbows are nice?
it seems like each time a rainbow appears,
a miracle has just taken place."

"there you haf it." i replied in glee.
anything you can conceive that is nice on dis earth,
was preconceived by the same God who made the heavens.
sometimes, its just our rebellious nature to deny beauty."

likewise, i constantly questioned
"what if God's perfect plan isn't perfect for me?"
is it still perfect?
i'd say that is our problem, not His.

the question shouldn't be asked as the abovementioned,
instead it should read,
"why do i think of myself higher than God who IS perfect?"
do i love and trust Him enough?

after reading 2 more pages,
i got distracted by yet another thought..
a recollection of what a friend told me in the past,
"my parents rich, doesn't mean i'm rich what."

many times we often look at what we don't haf,
instead of what we already haf, right?
like in this case for example,
my friend's family is quite well to do.

living in a landed property wif a couple of cars,
fully-furnished crib,
a healthy family outlook
filled with joy and love and harmony.

but yet, lamenting the fact that his/her allowance are meager.
the inability to buy certain things due to his/her limited spending power.
how the traveling was nearby,
as opposed to his/her peers who travels to europe etc..

seemingly forgetting in totality,
the fact that he/she could come home to a beautiful environment,
the security and love splurged on him/her.
is he/she rich?

in my friend's eyes, maybe not.
but where he/she lives and wears,
are provided by the family
and not by his/her own ability.

like God assures us in His word,
that we might share in His glorious splendour.
whatever is His, is ours.
but to what extent do we believe that?

must we haf our nametag on every item,
in order for us to claim ownership over it?
to what extent would we go,
to pursue something that we could rightly say its ours?

are there things in our lives that belong to us,
even though we did not work for it?
it just belongs to us, coz of our birthright?
well at least for one, we've salvation given to us coz He called us..

only You know.

2009-11-08T01:00:00.001+08:00

my heart, my desire
is to see my peers worship
my cry, my prayer
is to see Your children worship You.

choice?

2009-11-06T09:38:00.000+08:00

it seems clear now,
i wish you all the best from here.
take care now,
i know the Lord will watch over you..

another amazing acapella!

2009-11-04T23:13:00.001+08:00

conference photos!

2009-11-04T15:12:00.020+08:00

some of you might know,
last monday and tuesday i'd been busy at sentosa!
for a conference co-organised by my company.
it was beautiful man!

dis hotel we were at was 5+ star (since there's no 6 star)
it is called 'Capella'.
the rooms, i tell you..
damn nice la! likewise, the cost is damn nice too!

dis is the front of the hotel.

sheila, jun and me

uncle boo shaking the senior minister's hand,

wif my bosses looking on.

and that's the senior minister,

Mr Ho Peng Kee

dis was at the dinner.

the sapphire pavilion..

(which is also the venue for zouk out)

the string quartet during dinner

charlene (philippines) & marisha (indonesia)

lawyers whom i'm closer wif.

the dining venue

sapphire pavilion (indoors)

that's me, sazali and the girls!

from left standing: beets, rena, sazali

from left stting: carol, tini, flora

me and one of my ex colleague

from left sitting: henny (wif lovells law firm now) & beets

dis was at the end of the conference!

celebrating my CEO, minn's bday.

toasting to higher case loads bla bla bla..

that french guy beside me?

he's the same age as me.

the difference btw asians and europeans? vast.

and dis is the whole secretariat

wif uncle boo joining us for the celebration as ex-CEO.

we all looked happy huh?

or rather, i looked happy in those pics huh?

hmm..

i wish to think and be so too.

oh well.

right season.

2009-11-04T13:42:00.002+08:00

not too long ago,
at the ccr's 20th anniversary.
our archbishop, dr john chew has amongst other things,
reminded or rather, reaffirmed us of a keypoint.

there is a season for everything..
should ccr be given this current church building 20 yrs ago,
we would not have been able to handle it.
all things unfold in the perfect timing of God's, isn't it?

and today,
i've come to realise how 'unready' i am.
in a few areas in my life,
i've groaned about the things or position i didn't haf.

but i think the Lord has been always so faithful,
taught me in the gentlest way possible,
that i wasn't ready for any of what i haf today
if it wasn't bestowed on me a yr back..

be it a position in my office,
or a want for a girlfriend.
be it a slot for speaking at a seminary in church,
or a worship leading opportunity.

i admit that there were pockets of moments
whre pride got the better of me.
but God knew that it wouldn't be too pretty
to see me get lost in a bigger-sized shoe.

now that i've come to the last lap of my corporate self,
a stint which i'd confess, a tad too early..
taking a following break of 3 yrs to do some studying,
and prepare myself for the next season of 'slaying-the-dragon'.

an imminent barrier unfolded itself recently,
when the fiscal worry smacked right into the back of my head.
how am i gonna survive without a job for the next 3 yrs?
do i really hafta work and study simultaneously?

through dis 2 yrs out here,
the Lord has showed me wondrous ways that He can provide.
and dis time round, wif those experiences in mind,
my heart tells me its gonna be tough, but my head tells me to fret not.

i've been keeping my options open,
and will continue to do so..
in the mean time,
i'm, i've been and i will be blessed by my Father!

service?

2009-10-29T10:57:00.004+08:00

The strongest competitor to worship is service.

-Oswald Chambers

isn't it so true?
the speaker at the seminar elaborated ytd,
that more and more christians are losing their first love.
we no longer know the importance of worship..

we're all made to worship.
if we don't worship God,
we find ourselves worshipping other things..
simply coz we're wired primarily to worship!

some time back,
in matt redman's church.
the leaders felt the need to ban the band,
coz most of them are too occupied wif the technicalities.

they forgot the essence of worship.
it isn't abt music, isn't abt words..
nor was it abt technicalities, or the sound.
it was a lifestyle of worship unto our first Love!

and so matt redman wrote the song,
"heart of worship".
if we were to read the words,
or examine the lyrics coming out of our mouths.

we'd find that it talks abt worship beyond external praise.
it really isn't abt the words we sing,
or the number of hours we put to rehearse.
its abt our heart and expression of love to God..

service should nvr precede our worship unto God.
whatever and however we 'serve',
we do it BECAUSE we love God,
we don't serve in order to love God!

i can understand what it means to find rest in Him.
coz whenever i get burnt out (which is frequent)
i really yearn to just chill in my chair,
and hum a familiar tune to God..

and read His word and see how His nvr-failing love
reassure my service unto Him.
most of the time,
i find myself at rest!

it is essential for us in dis day and age,
to take time regularly to spend time wif God.
isn't it ironic if we say we're doing all these for the One we love,
yet we draw further from Him coz of the apparent 'acts of love'?

when we find ourselves overloaded,
and tired each night to even pray and spend time wif Him.
that is the most prominent sign,
of worshipping works instead of God.

take some time today,
even right now.
to listen to His voice,
to communicate wif Him in your spirit..

i'm coming back to the heart of worship,
it's all abt You.
it's all abt You, Jesus..

vv or uu?

2009-10-29T09:35:00.001+08:00

why does 'W' always pronounced as
'double-u' and not 'double-v'?
since it looks more like 2 'V's instead of 2 'U's.
hmm..

bro.

2009-10-27T22:56:00.002+08:00

if pple think my bro has 2 fathers,
our biological father and ME!
den i think i haf 2 mothers,
my biological mother and HIM!

*before rushing out of the house*
joel: where you going?
des: church.. busy ar?
joel: busy, but don't rush ar..

*just got back, bathing*
joel: papa, kor kor come back alr?
papa: ya, he's in the toilet.
joel: korkor, you got drive carefully anot?

homesick?

2009-10-27T14:32:00.000+08:00

each time i walk out of the conference hall,
it will be the PSA that catches first view of mine.
and somehow,
i kinda miss home..

its strange, but maybe i feel detached from you?
akin to the dread of tekong mentality,
i'd always wonder what are you doing now..

why am i feeling dis way?
i don't quite know.
why does it always seem to contradict?
i don't quite understand.

sweet.

2009-10-26T23:49:00.002+08:00

is it some fantastic harmony,
or is it coz they look quite good? (the left one)
are the girls on both ends sisters or twins?
they look super alike!

strength.

2009-10-26T10:57:00.000+08:00

Lord, may You please haf mercy on me.
it is really difficult.
i pray for double portions of strength and wisdom..

kinship.

2009-10-22T10:55:00.003+08:00

sometime dis wk,
drusilla asked me dis intriguing qn.
"why must we bear the consequences
that adam and eve made?"

honestly, i was taken aback for quite a while.
but thank God,
that He spoke to her through me.
and from dis, i've learnt a great deal too..

even i myself ask,
why must i bear the consequences of others?
in army, i was a specialist.
and according to the hierachy, i'm to take care of a section.

and those who know me then,
would know that i've a bunch of 'hokkien pengs'.
they are uneducated, gangsters, and loves to stir trouble..
i wasn't spared of their 'childlike character'.

and so, on many occasions,
i had to be punished for their mistakes and folly!
they fight in the canteen,
i had to be confined during the weekend.

and the reason?
failure to ensure order and discipline.
was i really in the wrong,
up till today, i don't know.

but through dis,
i too, learnt a huge lesson.
it taught me to be stricter on them,
even if it means to make enemies..

a weekend in camp,
was too much of a sacrifice.
a payment too hefty for someone else's fault.
an atonement too grave for being soft-hearted..

and even until today,
no matter how much i disagree wif that form of 'teaching',
i adhered by it even in my personal life.
i place punishments on myself if my siblings were to go overboard.

so back to the question.
honestly, how would you haf answered her?
i was stumped by the implications that might ensue
after telling her the ans.

but nonetheless,
dis was what i told her.
and i can dare say it wasn't culminated in my head.
it was advised by Him.

"that was because we're biased in our questioning.
it is abt accepting our 'family name'
abt being part of dis family.
both for the better or worse.

will we ask "why do we inherit whatever our parents earned?"
would we ask "why do my parents give me a place to stay?"
so then,
why do we ask "why must we bear our forefathers' consequences?""

it is a package which cannot be sieved through.
we cannot choose to accept what we like,
and disown the parts we don't like.
den that isn't 'acceptance', but bargain..

even in a r/s,
we humans tend to look for the best buy, don't we?
we're often drawn by what we like abt that person,
and then conclude that he/she's not my type because of a flaw.

i rmb v clearly in the past,
ps aaron told me dis,
"the only person you think is perfect for you,
is often the person you see in the mirror."

is there really 'the one' for us?
there was once somebody told me dis.
"if there is such a thing as 'the one',
den all it takes is just one person to disobey to screw it all up."

is there really a person out there whom we're made for?
or is there 'the one' lesson that we all ought to learn.
which is none other than acceptance.
love entails loads of acceptance..

and acceptance can only come,
when you do not think you're better than the other.
love our neighbour as ourselves,
do we accept them for who they are in the first place?

so we bear the consequences adam and eve made,
together wif the blessings of being in a family,
or even in a human race!
we're all individuals together.

King Father or Father King?

2009-10-19T12:09:00.005+08:00

in ancient china, for princes or princesses
who're blood related to the king,
they'll address him as 'huang ah ma',
which literally translates to King Father.

in thailand, even till dis day,
all princes and princesses who're blood related,
call their father, king.
and bow like any other royal subjects in the palace.

but interesting to note,
among the many children that the king usually has,
there is always one heir.
some call him crown prince, some call him heir.

in the bible,
Jesus is often revered as heir of the Most High King.
or one and only Son of the Heavenly Father.
it is undisputed that Jesus is part of the holy Trinity..

but what about us?
saints who are graciously called by the Most High King,
and lovingly spoken of by the Heavenly King,
are we royalty as well?

i watched 'anna and the king' over the weekend,
and it once again showed the 'immunity' royal children have.
that a little girl of barely 5 years of age,
has such an authority around her that subjects had to bow as she runs!

and she ran straight into the court,
where her father was having a meeting wif French consuls.
she did not knock on the door,
she did not bow or run backwards..

all she did was used her tiny hands
and pushed through the huge door by herself.
and ran right into her father's lap,
and whispered sweet nothings to her 'king'.

flashback to the starting of the show,
where a british lady, named anna,
barged into the court of the monarch
and demanded an audience wif the king.

king mongkut replied in anger yet patience,
"doesn't dis woman, know anything of protocol?"
but of coz as the story goes,
she was pardoned and in fact got quite influential in the palace.

but note the difference?
a royalty, and a subject.
royalty, did not do anything to earn an audience.
subject, did everything just to get a glimpse of majesty.

so who is God to us?
esp when the bible has so many 'impressions' or 'titles' for God.
do we see Him as a loving Father who is powerful yet tolerant,
or a king who is only powerful and we obey out of fear..

but having said all these,
pls do not get me wrong that we can 'disrespect' God,
or tarnish any protocol.
not having the need to meet God wif utmost reverence.

God surely isn't a god of many different personalities,
God surely isn't just a loving Father,
God surely isn't just a powerful King,
God is everything we know, and more..

some might refute or whine,
"aiya, he's at it again. is it really impt?"
well, it is to me.
or at least, that is where i know my identity in Christ lies..

if we do not know who our president personally,
would we just type a scrappy letter?
likewise, if we know the president personally,
would we then type a scrappy letter?

i guess its been quite a tussle for me for a while now,
some advised me that different situation calls for different 'modes of communication'.
so then, who am i really to God, or the Heavenly Father?

if i'm not the child of God,
why do i call Him Heavenly Father.
and if i'm the child of God,
why do i still hafta 'work' for a place in Heaven?

the ans that i quote from 'gotquestions.org',
salvation is definitely 100% God,
and 0% effort from man.
simply coz man are not even worthy to start from ground zero.

we started off as sinners right from birth.
how could we then be even qualified to 'earn' a place in Heaven?
we've been 'given' a place in Heaven,
because God, the Heavenly King AND Father loves us.

but does that also mean that we can squander our 'privileged right'?
by no means!
those who do not know and sinned, are ignorant.
those who knew and sinned, are blatant.

so after all these,
can i safely conclude that our r/s wif God,
is not by our choice by by His?
and it is our decision to keep it or squander it?

if so, den by 'working out' our salvation
isn't exactly a means to get to Heaven,
so that we could claim credit at the end of it.
it simply means out of love and reverence, we work it out!

often we try to 'work' so hard wif our own strength,
in hope to please God.
and in the midst of 'working',
we forget that we're 'children of God'!

one of the scenes in 'anna and the king' was also depicted
that the royal children are to put up a 'skit' for the king.
but in the end, the skit screwed up,
and the 'crown prince' chulalongkorn was dejected.

thinking that the king wouldn't be proud of him anymore,
but as we all know.
the king was still as pleased as he would be,
regardless of how the skit would turn out.

likewise, we can put on our best show,
but nvr ever fall into self-pity simply coz of human error.
don't let the devil haf a foothold in our 'tainted birth right'.
but rather, claim the promise that God chose to love us!

screwing up isn't gonna change the fact
that we're 'children of the Most High King'.
so long as we don't allow pride to seep in,
continue to yearn more for God in our lives!

when our parents give us a gift,
we cannot reject it.
but what we can do is either to
treasure it, or to throw it away..

likewise, our salvation in Christ' Heavenly Kingdom.
it is a gift.
but it is not a guaranteed free-entry.
the foundation (the cross) has been laid, are we building on it?

holiday.

2009-10-14T10:58:00.006+08:00

the first 2 weeks of october,
had been a really whirl of a time.
leading worship in both services,
and finalising 'thanksgiving' stuff, although not much..

but the part where the preparation for the song segment
is concerned.
it was quite a trying period where i confess,
i did put in 'extra' effort to live my life as Christ-like as possible.

being a human, there were definitely shortcomings from my end,
but well, i thought at least i put in the effort to try.
so as i thought,
self-righteousness is directly proportionate to annointing for worship leading.

apparently, as things go.
i couldn't really be a Jesus as i led worship..
but did that make my worship leading less 'holy' or displeasing?
i doubt so..

just to clear up any potential misunderstanding,
God loves His people.
and i'm leading not coz i think i'm good enough,
but because i wanna love His people as He does!

the crux of what i wanna say here is dis,
that i've just treaded on dangerous murky waters.
where i'm nothing more than a commitment-christian, am i?
only strive to be Christ-like for the sake of annointed-service..

i was greatly and largely affected when the speaker on sunday,
pierced right into the heart of my soul.
i was wrong.
i allowed naivety and self-work to take charge..

as much as i wanted to give my best to God,
i've compartmentalised my personal living into assignment-based.
a week before i lead that sunday,
i'll consecrate my life and be fully and wholly devoted to hearing Him.

what abt weeks i don't lead?
i rmb i was v tired, and suffocated by the monday after i led in main.
i had to plan the song set for youth and i barely had a 'breather'.
now, what dis breather meant?

am i really consecrated for Him in entirety? no.
after the sundays i lead worship,
i'd be having a 2 weeks 'holiday' of carnal life,
before i had to prepare for another 'holy week'.

such disgrace and disgust!
through dis 'yearning for breather',
it reveals that the core of my heart hasn't changed much
from the 15yr-old me, has it?

apart from external behaviour and thought processes,
deep down i just wished i could live like any non-christian.
'carefree' and 'no-holds-bar' kinda lifestyles..
such envy was sinful to its core!

i realised that the 'carefree' lifestyle that i yearned for,
only proved itself to be a shackle around my teenage folly.
baptism and sanctification that i've 'accumulated' through the yrs,
didn't really break the bond and foothold in my carnal life!

haf i not been a hypocrite all these while?
haf i not been more disgraceful than a sunday-christian?
am i really rooted in the spirit?
do i really love Jesus wif all of my life?

the ans, i regrettably confess. no.
i've sinned, beyond any reasonable mitigation..
what would Jesus do if He was a worship leader?
and so happen to lead worship only twice a month.

shouldn't a God-fearing, God-loving worship leader
be a 24/7 worship leader?
ready to sing praises to Him at any given point in time,
and not be feeling stifled coz of the lack of 'freedom' to live 'carefreely'?

Lord, i've sinned.
thank You for helping me realise
how deceitful my heart was.
Father, i wanna live for You alone, and mean my words!

appropriation.

2009-10-12T14:38:00.004+08:00

some of you might know or discover,
that i'm an avid runner.
not the loanshark kind,
but the usain bolt kind!

dis afternoon, as i was dressing up for work,
there were balls of dark clouds hovering menacingly in pasir ris.
and so i prayed for the rain to delay until i reach the mrt..
thank God, He wasn't as selfish as me. He allowed it to pour.

and my umbrella got lost by a friend of mine,
i'm left wif no umbrella!
so i decided to just brave the rain,
and run to the bus stop.

running that short distance from my voideck to the bus stop
wouldn't be much of a work for me, or at least i thought.
so i ran, and got drenched by the time i reached the bus stop..
when i stopped to dry myself wif futile attempts, SUDDENLY,

there was a surge of pain that surged through the top of my toes
to my spine, to my brain.
and finally sends out an inevitable cringing expression
onto the helpless contours of my facial scape!

i've had blisters!
on the first 3 toes of each foot.
it was disturbing,
and the cringe soon became a frown..

nonetheless, i took the first few brave steps
as though i was on the moon.
trying to get used to the 'pain'
and walk as though my feet were perfectly comfortable.

and when i got onto the train,
still trying to get myself dry,
and readjust my bad hair..
i was just thinking, of all things, blisters.

rmb, i was an avid runner.
i've only experienced leg cramp once in my life.
nvr twisted an ankle,
nor fractured a bone as a soccer player..

but these blisters, seemingly small and hidden,
caused me quite a bit of distress before i start work today!
and many thoughts ran through my head,
"i thought i asked God to bless me today? what happened!"

some of you might realise or know,
that i've just bought a new pair of dress shoes.
not coz i'm a vainpot,
but the previous one had to retire due to natural wear and tear.

and den, inter alia, 2 strands of thoughts struck me!
the first, i've these pair of new shoes,
its supposed to give me new confidence and comfort,
but in turn, gave me a load of pain i didn't get from the first!

many times, we feel 'fresh' when we first had something right?
say, when we just got a new bag.
we feel proud of it, coz its spanking new,
and its fashionable!

or even when we first enter into a pact wif somebody else,
we feel a rejuvenating sense of renewing.
as though, that was a new chapter in our f/s or r/s,
where no problems would come in the near future.

exactly on the contrary,
for shoes and alot of other 'new stuffs'.
its abt getting used to.
its abt readjusting to the comfort we previously had.

wif new confidence, comes new blisters.
likewise, as the Holy Spirit reaffirms our spirit.
it seems like our dirty linen are cleaned,
and we're all set to go out there and slay the dragon!

no, these couple of blisters taught me,
that not all new things are as rosy as it might entail.
being real in our 'walk' is one such daily renewal..
it is nvr promised to be a bed of roses.

akin to a pair of shoes.
by the time we get used to that pair of shoes,
we get all comfortable wif it.
but that also hail for preparation to get a new pair soon.

like towels as well,
when its new, it can hardly absorb much water.
and when its old and rugged, it sucks up any liquid content
and soon, you'll find a hole!

likewise in our walk wif God,
we might haf made a new covenant wif God.
but if we don't constantly renew our r/s wif Him,
one day we'll be worn out before we could even realise the 'hole'.

the second strand of thought that seeped into my brain is dis,
different shoes are made for different usage.
i may be an avid runner,
but that doesn't mean i can run in anything..

a pair of dress shoes are for walking,
and making that clog clog sound when you saunter on parquet!
not for running, nor sprinting.
neither is it for soccer, nor rock climbing!

but when i get blisters from running that short distance,
doesn't mean i'm a lousy runner,
or worse, i'm not cut out to run ever again!
i'm an invalid now.. NO!

it just means i'm running in the wrong pair of shoes,
and nvr should i run in that pair again!
likewise for many of us today,
esp leaders and leaders to be..

when we're discouraged, or blistered in our 'run',
do not let the devil tell you your time is up.
do not let the devil trick you into self-pity.
nvr let the devil haf its foothold in you!

but rather, its time to reflect on our lives.
are we running in the right pair of shoes,
or haf we tried to fit ourselves in other pple's shoes,
only to find ourselves battered and discouraged in spirit!

the Lord is our family-Shoemaker.
He saw us grow up, from a 4-inch foot to a size 10,
He knows exactly our sizes,
and makes us the perfect shoes for our feet.

He doesn't give us a pair of trek shoes when we're 4,
and expect us to go trekking just coz we've the right 'equipment'.
to be able to go trekking,
we need also experience and knowledge!

in the same fashion, God doesn't give us a pair of baby's mittens
when we're a toddler!
it may be comfortable, but we won't be able to fit anymore.
there will come a season of growth and stepping up!

friends, which stage are we in our lives right now?
are we running in the right pair of shoes,
we're made for a couple of gifts and talents,
are we using it correctly?

i guess its time to run in the shoes He made for us,
that we may find ourselves running further and wif more ease.
its abt time to start running the race,
wif the appropriate pair of shoes He made for us..

zip it?

2009-10-09T17:14:00.003+08:00

if i haf a suggestion,
but haf no solution.
should i still suggest it?
or should i keep it to myself?

i think the question here should read,
how will a suggestion without solution build the person or organisation?
if it doesn't build or edify one,
why suggest to break one?

a suggestion is healthy and constructive
IF it is put across nicely wif tact.
a suggestion becomes a degradation
ONCE we've no other reason to edify but to rant for that sake.

when i wanna suggest,
i better spend more time thinking of a solution to offer,
rather than think of how to put my point across
at all cost!

it is a seemingly simple common sensical issue,
but a surprisingly tall order when we find ourselves frustrated!
i read one of my friend's msn nick which said,
"common sense isn't that common apparently.."

impressions.

2009-10-09T12:51:00.005+08:00

since i'm working in an international firm,
its often interesting to hear 'first impressions'
from foreigners..
these are some that i heard recently.

deputy registrar from china: are you local, desmond?
des: err, ya?
DR: oh, i figured. coz at first, i thought you were korean
until i heard you speak on a few occasions.

assistant counsel from philippines: i like des' fri outfits.
it seems very british!

assistant counsel from indonesia: do you know i thought you're gay?
des: what?!
ac: i thought singaporean guys who dresses well are usually gay!
sorry..

it is comforting to know that God knows your heart,
beyond your looks and exterior.
comforting esp when you're misunderstood,
misinterpreted, and misconstrued.

but it is equally scary to know,
that God knows your heart beyond looks and exterior.
scary esp when you're hiding something to men,
hiding your dirty linen.

but regardless of how we feel,
it doesn't change the fact that God's all-knowing.
it doesn't change the fact that despite Him knowing all,
He still loves us the same..

how nice would it be if justices and magistrates these days,
are given the power to see beyond oral and written statements,
look right into their hearts and see their intent.
would we still need lawyers by then?

but of coz,
having said that, nothing can change the fact
that there's only one powerful God.
and that's the God, our Father!

once again i look upon the cross where You died,
i'm humbled by Your mercy and i'm broken inside.
once again i thank You,
once again i pour out my life..

flashbacks.

2009-10-01T11:31:00.002+08:00

are memories a gift or a curse?
generally speaking,
as human beings, we tend to wanna haf the best of both.
we like good ones but detest the bad ones..

would our lives be better without the ability to reminisce?
would our lives be more forward-looking without memories?
i don't know, but all i know is that
we haf memories, regardless of its nature.

just dis morning,
i was conjuring thoughts in my head, again.
and randomly, i was just thinking abt my life after NS.
how did it turn out..

those who follow my life closely
would know that i've been through many rejections.
a tad too many for anyone's liking and healthy morale..
but i'd say it made me hoo i am today!

as you all know,
i'd been working for round and about a yr and a half for now.
applied to 2 schs and got rejected from one,
and many many put-down remarks from colleagues and superiors..

but let's just dwell on how i got myself enrolled into sch today?
i rmb when i first started out in dis office,
i was still quite focused on just earning money and study finance.
somehow, my focus dwindled and swayed towards the legal sector..

and my inspiration came from countless perusal of successful CVs,
what sch and how they made it so far in their careers, etc.
that really spurred me to wanna improve myself,
and if God allows, to litigate for a living!

its funny how i forgot or overlooked the stringent entry requirements
of the law schools here in singapore.
i applied nonetheless wif confidence!
went on to do my SATs, improved on my general knowledge and so on.

but as the story goes,
i've got rejected and stuff like that.
after a long ponder and self-reflection,
i rmbed asking myself "was God really behind me?"

i was undoubtedly, disappointed.
disappointed at my past,
disappointed at God,
disappointed at my inability.

nonetheless, i moved on and decided to snap back to reality.
wif a diploma of my grade,
i could only settle for something of my second-best interest,
communication studies.

i figured that the training and preparation got me pretty meticulous
in my language and general local or world affairs..
and all these preparations wouldn't have been prepared
if i didn't sign up for law school last yr!

and so, i applied to unisim for the course, communication studies.
i wanted Major in Communications and Minor in English,
but that course was scraped wif effect last yr.
disappointed again, but i could handle it in stride.

and so, after much contemplation and prayers,
i went for communication studies.
dis time, i went wif the peace of the Lord.
notice the difference btw peace of the Lord and confidence.

not too long ago,
i received my acceptance letter from unisim.
it was again quite strange,
how i wasn't as elated as i would expect myself to be..

i just knew, i would get in.
though there were bouts of uncertainty and worry along the way.
but here i am,
a prospective major in communication studies!

where would dis bring me,
i don't know.
dis is a course wif just a bachelors,
that doesn't entail me a further study for masters or PhD.

but it doesn't matter, coz i know God will provide.
He has His plans, no matter how weird the situation may be.
in lieu of the challenges and difficulties ahead,
i wanna learn to not depend on adrenalin enthusiams, but wif persevering faith!

so after all these blabber,
i conclude that for me,
memories are a gift from God to me.
at least it tells me how He brought me up..

and for that,
i thank God for being my Jehovah Jireh.
and for that,
i thank God for grace that is sufficient for me.

bee.

2009-09-24T13:59:00.001+08:00

don't we all give up at a certain point?
after pumping in so much effort,
so much time, so much tears and pain!
we find ourselves battered, don't we?

dis morning as i was plucked in,
i stood at my usual fav spot,
where i face the train door and haf an exclusive
panel to view the outside world while commuting.

and so, i stood there and usually i was alone.
but today, i had a friend!
it was a bee.
it must haf lost its way and flew into the train..

so being a MAN,
i decided to be calm and composed.
you can imagine,
me standing abt 2 feet away from the door wif the bee!

being an insect of its size,
the brain can't be all that creative..
anything that looks like the surroundings,
it would assume that to be an opening to its liberty.

but obviously not.
so to much of its surprise,
it is flapping so hard,
but yet finding itself only moving up and down and not forward!

it really tried v hard, and seemingly in a systematic manner.
it would flap so hard that moving upwards is inevitable.
and when it reaches my forehead's height,
it'd fall to my waist height again.

so it wasn't all that pleasant,
having a bee to be hovering around your frontal
in an enclosed pocket of space
early in the morning..

but nonetheless, i composed myself.
looking seemingly intrigued by it..
and so the train progresses from pasir ris to kembangan
and the bee vacillates from desmond's waist to head to waist again.

finally at kembangan,
it found itself exhausted.
barely clinging on to the latch of the window panel,
looking as though its enjoying the scenery of its last moments..

dis time, i was really tempted to take out a piece of tissue,
and squish it!
it was the best opportune time and chance,
to prevent any further distress.

but i didn't.
i thought maybe i should see how it survives in the tunnel!
MUAHAHHAHAA!
so i left it as it is, drained and discouraged.

but pple who takes train often and far enough
would know that the train door opening switches sides at raffles place.
so from pasir ris to tanjong pagar,
the opening door has always been behind me.

only until raffles place,
it'll open at my side.
but will soon revert to behind me starting from tanjong pagar again!
so i thought, dis might be a breakthrough for the bee..

we're finally in the tunnel.
but the bee found a new strength at bugis!
it started its vertical routine again,
dis time it seems pissed..

and the pisser it gets, the pisser i get!
and true enough, it flew right pass me at city hall!
rmb, i was plucked in.
i could almost hear "HOW DO YOU PPLE GET OUT?!" as it flew past.

it brushed across my ear and i had no choice,
but to shake my head profusely like i'm in a trance!
damn.
but even more sadly, the bee flew to the other side..

the door was gonna open on my side, rmb?
but dis time, its raffles place.
the bee's nvr gonna get out..
due to its impatience and frustration.

such a pity, i thought.
if only the bee knew it was dis close to liberation.
what a sad ending,
if only the bee knew that the tunnel was only 5 stations.

many times we're like that, aren't we?
we're so limited in our understanding and view.
pale in comparison wif God's infinite plan and wisdom..
we couldn't talk to the bee, but God can talk to us!

many times, when we're faced wif a difficulty.
a situation where it is unfathomable,
a crisis or a dark era where it seems totally unfair
and more often than not, too overwhelming for us to take.

if the bee would endure a lil longer,
trusting that there is definitely gonna be a way out.
the nature of the switch of sides for the doors,
would allow the patient bee to be free..

but it took matters into its hands,
and made its own situation a whole lot worse.
now, its more probable to die in the cabin,
then to ever harvest pollen on its hind legs again..

i often ask myself,
why does God enjoy seeing me in pain.
what joy does He really get,
and why would a merciful Father do dis to His beloved child.

but now i'm reminded by a whole new perspective.
if only we trust that He'll provide.
He WILL provide.
but do we trust Him enough?

or do we rather take things into our own hands,
when we face death?
"i'd rather die trying, than to die waiting."
are we like that?

Lord, i thank You for the bee reminder.
Father, i'm sorry for taking things into my own hands.
may You now, take me as You desire.
coz dis life i live, i live for You alone..

september22.

2009-09-22T10:43:00.004+08:00

For we walk by faith, not by sight.

- 2 Corinthians 5:7

round and abt 5 yrs ago,
i rmb asking one of the church aunties,
des: does walking by faith means walking blindly?
i can't rmb her ans though..

maybe i was more interested in 'testing' her,
than to really seek an ans.
that could probably explain why
i couldn't rmb her ans more than the question i posed!

in any case,
my point is isn't to show how rebelliously inquisitve
a teen i was..
it was a genuine qn, that i sorta figured out by now.

is walking by faith simply walking blindly?
i would say not.
faith is something in which we believe in,
despite us not being able to see or explain it..

whereas walking blindly is more likely than not,
doing things on impulse, unmeditated.
"aiya, do alr den say."
that's walking blindly..

if we walk blindly,
we do not know where will our actions bring us.
but if we walk by faith,
we believe wif all confidence that we're gonna get there!

walking by faith is really not easy.
it is not a skill set to master,
nor is it an enlightenment to attain.
it is an advice, from the Teacher..

we can choose to heed it,
or we can choose to deny it.
in its context,
it was an encouragement, words of affirmation to the corinthians.

and even to us in today's context.
we ought to be prudent in our faith..
walk by faith, not blindly!
there is a thin line btw faith and gamble.

only when we're found to be truly rooted in His word,
that we can exude the confidence required by faith!
only when we're found related wif God,
that we can haf the confidence to rely on Him!

in corinthians, we're advised to walk while seeing
rather than walk after seeing.
we've to walk, before we can see the next scenery.
and not walk upon seeing the next scenery..

so let us continue to take meditated bold steps,
to see that the Lord is good and wif us!
and not be afraid and doubtful
that we only move when we see God's hand.

want one.

2009-09-18T10:45:00.001+08:00

i want what i cannot want,
and i cannot want what i want!
why is one so hard to want
when all he wants is just that one.

september17.

2009-09-17T11:32:00.005+08:00

Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto Myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.

John 14:1-3

as i diligently flipped my devotions calendar,
dis verses warm my heart as i commence the day.
i've heard too many sermons, or read too many verses
of Jesus coming back to judge, but not dis.

i could almost hear Jesus telling me that in person,
looking me in the eye
and gesturing wif his finger pointed Heavenward.
and wif utmost sincerity and love, He utters.

He did not tell me that He will come back like a thief,
He did not tell me that He is coming back to judge,
He did not tell me that He is going off,
at least not dis time..

He told me that He'll come back for me,
He told me that He's preparing a place specially for me,
He told me that He wants me to be where He is,
He told me that He's coming to fetch me Home..

i've a younger brother,
much younger than any conventional sibling-hood.
i could play the role of a brother and even of a father,
or i can play a role of a mentor and even a trusted friend.

and i know what it means when i tell him,
that i will come back for him.
and i would know whether he took me seriously,
and that he'd look forward to my return..

in retrospect, i figured..
that dis going and returning leaves me wif 2 options.
and it is entirely up to me,
to choose either scenario.

i know my Father leaves to prepare something for me,
dis gives me free time and space to do whatever i want.
in the first scenario,
i'd prefer to call it the good-boy scenario.

my dad leaves,
and i'm all alone.
i'd whip out my book and start reading,
making sure that i won't wander off.

and i will not make myself too comfortable wif the environment,
coz ultimately, i'm leaving.
and leaving won't be as hard compared to those of comfort.
so i stay focused and diligent to wait for my dad's return.

the other scenario is naturally,
the bad-boy scenario.
since i've the whole world to myself,
why not just see what i can do wif these 'toys'..

i climbed at the window to see what is it like out there,
not worried that i might fall off.
i get so comfortable wif the surroundings, thinking
"since i'm here, might as well be comfortable"

or even do something which dad has always warned me against.
since he's not here.
i'll just try and see what is so 'forbidden' abt it..
satisfy whatever cravings i haf which i cannot do wif parents around.

these 2 scenarios are real.
it is in fact happening in our lives..
where our Dad tells us that He'll prepare a place for us,
so that we can be comfortable when we get Home.

but now we're obviously living "in the meantime",
will we be a good boy, or a bad boy?
2 things that won't change in dis ever-changing world.
the world is temporary, and Dad's definitely coming back.

will our Dad come and find us waiting for Him in expectance,
or will He come and find that we're alr at "home".
we only haf dis lifetime to choose, or even shorter..
shall we try our best to be a good boy?

Father, i do not know when You're coming to bring me Home,
but i do know that You are coming back for sure.
Lord, help me to be diligent in my ways.
so that You may be pleased when You come and take me..

seasons?

2009-09-16T13:14:00.002+08:00

i was procrastinating BIG TIME today,
to the extent of googling myself!
and i clicked on the friendster link,
my one and only social network..

yeah, and so i clicked it
and i chanced upon dis on my 'bulletin board',
or rather, facebookers would haf called it 'wall'.
such old posts!

Andrew.
Posted
02/27/2005 2:34 am
oo lah lah. i'm so grey i feel gay. andi'm love sick! oh fuck it. ha.

Andrew.
Posted
01/11/2005 10:58 am
crazy freaking fella! so damn mushy! read already can die of lovvvvveeeee man! haa, thanks for everything man. i won't tell anyone about last night. heh!!!

the accident happened so long,
and i pretty much forgot what andrew's lingo were.
these zits of vulgarities,
and his nonchalence that sometimes got him outta trouble!

it was 4 yrs ago,
and now i can easily count wif 2 hands,
the number of pple visiting him.
it is quite sad, isn't it?

as time passes,
pple forget, pple drift.
but as funny as it might seem,
memories somehow catches up wif us, don't they?

some might debate that it is seasonal,
others say time change pple change.
the only similarity is perhaps,
friends continue to be dropped along the way.

nothing to whine or complain abt, really.
just a tinge of sadness resonating within my nerves,
that good things or times
are bound to end, whether you like it or not.

as sad or pity it might seem,
i do know that these picking up and dropping off 'friendster'
are ordained by God..
and i guess you can put it as God's timing?

i don't know abt you,
but i really miss old times.
and one question remains unanswered in my head,
will i see you in Heaven?

right?

2009-09-15T17:37:00.002+08:00

it takes alot to do the right things.
it takes alot of courage.
it takes alot of sacrifice.
it takes an awful lot of obedience..

dis time, i wanna do the right things.
and not just do things right.
i wanna obey Him,
not just okay Him.

Lord, help me get through dis.
Lord, help us get through dis.
it's not gonna be easy,
it has nvr been..

awakening.

2009-09-14T09:19:00.002+08:00

again, i've slipped into my comfort zone
a tad too comfortable dis time..
just embarking on daily routines,
and pissing myself off at the slightest bit.

its funny how i always had dis lil tingly feeling in me
all these while.
that kinda whispers,
"do qt, pray, read the bible."

but i so conveniently chucked them aside,
shouting out in my head.
"ha! i know you can't do anything to me, thing!"
and carry on doing what i am doing..

but as the days go by,
i can literally feel my brain getting wasted.
my mind has turned into a more criticising matter
than a productive one!

for the past few weeks,
i'd been struggling so hard within my skin,
to control my temper,
to not get so easily irked up.

and i got so frustrated and pissed at myself for being like that.
hence, that explains the lack of posts and inspiration..
those who'd been hanging out wif me often enough,
would realise that i seem to haf changed.

and so ytd, i decided to put all else aside at abt 10.30pm.
i just lied on my bed,
facing the ceiling and my limbs forming a 'da'.
i got so sick and tired of myself..

and so for the first time in weeks,
i uttered aloud,
"Lord Father, please take me back?"
that's all..

and suddenly i felt a surge of peace and joy in me again!
suddenly, all of my commitments and burdens
seem to be lifted away.
most imptly of all, i feel refreshed again!

how awesome is our God, isn't He?
when you feel so lousy and tired abt ourselves,
He nvr sleeps, He nvr slumbers,
when we are weak, He becomes stronger!

it is really true.
nvr ignore the Holy Spirit!
nvr think so highly of yourself,
that you do not need God in your life, coz you do!

and how apt is it to quote,
a hungry soul is an angry soul.
i'd been so comfortable wif not reading the bible,
so comfortable wif not praying aloud.

and see what happens?
my soul was dry, my spirit was weak.
and naturally, the flesh reflects the parchness of my heart.
ahh, how sweet is the healing water..

for those who are find yourself drifting away,
i'm sure there are echoes in your heart and mind
reminding you to spend some time wif God,
spend some time nourishing your spirit..

my advice to you from experience,
heed it, not hide it.
as real as your flesh is,
your spirit is too!

come, Holy Spirit, fall on me now..

castles.

2009-09-10T16:24:00.000+08:00

i wish i could wish.

anapology.

2009-09-10T09:52:00.002+08:00

Lord, i'm sorry for what i've done.
may i plead for Your boundless grace.

Lord, i'm sorry for what i've done.
may You take dis guilt of shame away.

Lord, i'm sorry for what i've done.
may You bless me wif a pure heart once more.

Lord, i'm sorry for what i've done.
may i be filled with Your love again.

DEStruction.

2009-09-03T12:43:00.002+08:00

what consumes you the most, is not the painful reality, but the unfounded lies you conjure in your mind.

- Desmond Hoo

uncertainty.

2009-09-01T08:55:00.003+08:00

haf you ever felt weird inside you,
that somehow you just couldn't comprehend.
haf you ever felt angry inside you,
that somehow you just couldn't understand.

recently, in fact for quite a while now.
there's dis strange thing in me,
that pulls the frustration plug on my behalf,
almost so discreetly that its dangerous..

there has been a constant war waging from within.
an ambitious mind, in a bid to take control of the whole entity of desmond.
and a humble yet increasingly weaken brain and physical flesh,
trying to build a wall to protect its fort.

my flesh and intellect knows and reports to me constantly,
that it is pleasing to the Lord,
if i was slow to anger and slow to speak.
as much as my brain can tell, my body finds itself incapacitated.

i could at the very least prevent my tongue from spewing,
but my heart was pounding faster at each second i suppress.
and more often than not,
i'm forced to walk away from the prospective crime scene..

what haf i become?
i don't know..
what had i done?
i don't know..

all i know, is that i should seek help.
and help can only come from the Engineer who wired me.
He should be able to do some fault-finding and rectify it..
and to do that, it is only by praying.

it is albeit tiring, i'm thankful for dis lesson.
for i know dis is a glitch in me that seeks urgent attention,
before i start hurting anyone else unintentionally anymore..
and to prevent that, i shall seek help from a higher Authority.

Lord, be my guide.
may You be my Healer.
Father, i wanna serve You as i am.
give me clean hands, bless me wif a pure heart, abba Father..

gift?

2009-08-28T22:25:00.002+08:00

when i came home,
my mum asked me candidly..
"hello, you're back?
eh, your bday coming leh. what you want?"

i just shrugged and said,
"don't know leh. no need anything la, really."
and then i went back to my room.
but it got me thinking until now..

what do i want?
what do i really want?
can i really haf what i want?
can it even be a gift?

and i sincerely asked myself what i want..
its funny how the first things that came to my mind,
weren't a honda integra and an eeepc.
those were among the last few more 'normal' wishlist items.

what i really want are these:

my sister to be able to get into a scheduled uni
my brother to get into a good sec sch
me to get into smu after unisim
for HOF to grow not only in numbers but in spirit
me to be understood, if not, at least not being maligned
me to express myself effectively and not stumble others
that being a christian be easier
friends who understand and not judge me
friends who give me space, but not leave me alone

can all these really be given?

writing.

2009-08-26T12:52:00.007+08:00

When something can be read without effort, great effort has gone into its writing.

- Enrique Jardiel Poncela

lately, i'd been thinking of my next step.
which is probably studies..
and it is without a doubt,
that essay writing is gonna be a big part of my training.

and wif a setback recently,
i've decided to go back to the basics.
i went as far as to google,
"how to write a good essay"

and the quote above caught my attention
as i peruse through the articles written by pple.
i'm really quite excited abt studies..
although i'm constantly telling myself to slow down.

there had been enough examples and testimonies,
that effort and hardwork isn't directly proportionate to results.
but before signing up for dis course,
i told myself the purpose of studies. interest, not recognition.

so as long as i learn the beauty and technicalities of communications,
i think i've scored a 1st class.
whether or not i ultimately get a 1st class,
would be entirely God's decision..

as i embark on my next milestone next year,
i pray that i'll be diligent.
that i'll still be persevering despite the many setbacks
and criticisms that lie ahead..

kempatei, lesmong!
(is that how you spell it alvan?)

art of worship.

2009-08-24T08:52:00.004+08:00

i'm sorry for the things i've made it,
when its all abt You.
its all abt You Jesus..
i wanna go back to the heart of worship.

dis conundrum i find myself entangled in,
mentally degenerating, mentally frustrating.
i wish i could share,
but i guess my best bet would be the air.

sometimes, maybe just sometimes,
i made some choices, which lands me wif no choice.
maybe now, but i beckon nvr,
that i find myself in spiritual stammer.

how often does such happen to me?
to me it seem to haf clocked perfect timing.
but to others, no doubt,
one time too many, too often.

as sad as death of a loved one,
most of us tend to shun away
or in a secular context, backstab the one particular
rather than going to him and ask if anything is bothering.

it is a painful experience to trudge through,
but his friends made it 10 times more painful.
often we find ourselves asking "what did i do?",
why not we try asking, "what haf i not done yet?"

then again, expectations were intended to spur.
once that intention is blurred,
it conveniently converts the spur to judgement.
almost too grey for one to discern..

ahh, Lord, i'm trying so hard
to go back to You.
coz my mind tells me its all abt You,
but my heart's too broken to reconcile such.

it is beyond my reach now, Lord.
it is beyond my reach now.
Father, would Your loving arms
reach out to me in tender mercy again..

i've waded too far into the unknown,
too dark for my comfort.
Lord Jesus, would You guide me out
of dis dark dark arena.

when.

2009-08-19T16:39:00.004+08:00

you know your office is too cold when:

your snickers bar left on the table is a tad-too-hard for a braced grown man to bite on.
you type 'demons' instead of 'desmond' more than 5 times daily.
you shiver the 2nd second you take your hands out of your pocket.
you feel cold on your upper lip when you inhale, and still feel cold on your upper lid when you exhale.
you find it so difficult to move your fingers as you type.
your finger nails are turning purple.
the tap water feels like boiling water.
your tea gets cold under half an hour.
ants crawling across your table exceptionally slowly and evidently not as agile, as though screaming out to you "squash me if you want, i don't care anymore!".
you quiver as you see the trees outside your office swaying.

i'm literally working in a fridge!
its interior is white everywhere and its cold everywhere,
and i don't think its because the building is previously known
as the 'White House', seriously.

rarely rally.

2009-08-17T09:30:00.002+08:00

i made an extra effort to watch the rally last night!
and i'd say i didn't regret a bit of it..
though many would reckon that rally's boring,
but i begged to differ.

maybe because i'm partially in dis sector,
i'm particularly intrigued at the way the PM coined his words,
and how he tactfully handled the epic touche topics,
religiosity and harmony..

he quipped, inter alia, a parable which i thought made some sense.
and it goes as such.

a woman has 4 children of different religion.
a christian, buddhist, jew and muslim..
which child would she love most?
it was an impossible qn.

but it has a sound answer to that.
if she had to choose which child to love more,
she'd choose the child who cares and respects his/her other siblings more.
that, i thought was prudent.

commandment no. 2 reminds us to love our neighbours.
love does not condone exclusiveness, does it?
love does not judge and think its self-righteous, does it?
for full definition, refer to 1 Cor 13..

although it is sad when PM mentioned that the government,
in order to be fair and working,
has to remain secular.
but i gave it some thought, and concurred.

God didn't put christians in just one country.
He didn't only make Christians, He made humans..
He made us all equal,
and there definitely isn't one supreme race cited by hitler.

and we're placed in a community.
we're not made to live in solitude in a faraway mountain..
we're placed where we are,
so that we who are called, can be his light!

we need not be radical and rebellious.
neither do we need to be exclusive, nor judgemental.
there is a difference btw being called to be different,
and being difficult and stiff-necked.

as much as we promote ethical religious values,
we must always love the sinner, hate the sin.
and by hating the sin,
we need not provoke and judge the sinner in the midst of it.

i guess as christians,
being tactful requires the spirit of discernment.
it is not easy,
but it is not impossible, in fact, it is essential to be effective!

we're called to be different, not indifferent.
so let us not form judgements in our heads,
when we see a behaviour or an act we detest.
but let us intercede in our heads, each time we see a difference.

modern day commandments?

2009-08-11T22:43:00.001+08:00

Here’s what the 10 commandments might look like:

1. no1 b4 me. srsly.
2. dnt wrshp pix/idols
3. no omg’s
4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)
5. pos ok – ur m&d r cool
6. dnt kill ppl
7. :-X only w/ m8
8. dnt steal
9. dnt lie re: bf
10. dnt ogle ur bf’s m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.

M, pls rite on tabs & giv 2 ppl.

ttyl, JHWH.

ps. wwjd?

in moderation.

2009-08-11T20:47:00.000+08:00

i'm sure all of us haf seen movements of water.
be it a trickle,
or a splash.
it is no stranger to us, is it?

as i was bathing,
a train of thought came trudging into my head.
at first, it was pertaining to evangelism..
and den i realised it could be applied in mentorship as well.

"information overload"
we've heard or seen dis phrase
a tad too many times.
it kinda makes sense, but we somehow insist our ways.

a drop of water travel a further way,
in comparison wif a splash.
we wouldn't wanna just clock as many pple we talked to,
than going in depth in r/s wif one new believer.

sometimes, we being impatient beings
tend to just pour out our years of bible knowledge
and christian experiences to new or non believers.
and den move on to the next person..

simply because its easier to splash than to trickle!
wif a splash, we cover a big surface area.
but nvr going far.
and it dries up quick enough..

but it takes an awful lot of patience and love
to slowly and consistently channel water onto the same track.
where water is 'dripped' at the same spot,
letting water find its way through a disciplined line.

and once the 'path' is paved,
water will find that its much easier to travel through,
and wif that, it can travel even further,
not having to worry that the path it left behind will dry up.

likewise, when we're patient enough to 'walk through' wif them
we won't need to be afraid that they'll haf shallow faith, would we?
so let us press on to serve them,
in patience and humility and wisdom.

in tandem.

2009-08-11T10:22:00.002+08:00

the first week into august,
was really quite a-gust!
been busy wif office shifting,
and a few other stuffs.

each morning i wake up at 7 wif body aches,
and i can't remember if i even exercised!
quite obviously, my english has deproved.
maybe coz i haven't been reading or talking much.

but i was privileged to catch the NDP
at the balcony of the muncipal building at city hall!
the famous balcony where presidents and ministers stand
to do their signature waves and rallies at elections and chingays.

i saw the marchpast and the fireworks,
not having to crowd wif smelly pple
nor a certain rowdy race in the midst.
it was splendid..

as the contingents marched through,
i suddenly had some thoughts striking in my head.
the contingents were lined up,
seemingly in accordance wif their discipline level..

the colour-party was the undisputed contingent
wif the most synchronised and pride marching.
followed by the best unit in SAF,
the red-berets and so on.

and as i was enjoying the marchpast,
and reminiscing the times when i was marching,
i had a bittersweet feeling within me.
there's just something abt drills and uniformity i guess?

some of you would've known,
that i've been in a uniformed group even before my voice broke!
and drills had nvr been more natural in my gait.
i just loved to see drills and do drills..

and as the contingents parade past,
suddenly, i was reminded of how God might view us.
amidst all the discipline and rigidity,
there was always the big picture to salvage our dirty linen.

as much as the contingents were intended to be in line, in step,
there're bound to be some pple wif faster steps,
slower steps, lower armswing, sloppy armswings, etc..
but it still looked beautiful, isn't it?

a saw the contingent as a body.
like our body-in-Christ.
each of us had a part to play..
and each of us are of a uniform responsibility.

there are different soldiers of different ranks,
and different appointments.
but they're in a contingent,
from the same unit, or the same discipline, they're the same!

unless one or two jokers try to out-perform others,
the contingent will be seen as one.
isn't it like our church?
a church, seen as a body?

we all haf different 'ranks' in our expertise,
or different appointments in our service in different ministries,
we're still ONE.
and God doesn't see how we excel individually, but as one.

like how i don't particularly notice a certain man's armswing,
i'd view the contingent as one in tandem!
so our role in church is nvr to out-do or compete wif one another,
but to do our part, so that the CHURCH can be in tandem.

likewise, we're not better than one another,
neither are we worse than one another.
we're made the same,
albeit wif different gifts and personalities..

i think service to God is not all that individualistic, is it?
serving as one, is a service too!
our parts to play are important.
in fact, it is crucial.

i've heard too many pple say dis to me,
"today's games damn sian. don't feel like going."
yet, when the same person plans the next event,
"wah, i hope pple would turn up.."

see how selfish we can be?
support is also a form of service and edification to the body!
how we support and encourage others who planned,
sometimes, just being there is alr a blessing to the organiser..

so let us be ONE,
doing our own small part.
let our service, big or small,
be a worship to God, be a service to church, shall we?

breakingpoint.

2009-08-03T10:06:00.000+08:00

how many more times, God?
just, how many more?

r/s.

2009-08-03T09:16:00.003+08:00

is God,
the One whom i praise and edify,
my pen pal,
or my Father?

there's a difference, isn't there?
we do love our pen pals too,
if we even haf one, that is..
we love our pen pals too, but only to a certain extent.

an extent where we've free reign of our 'writing efforts'.
when we feel like it, we write.
when we don't, we don't.
he's so far away anyways..

or is He my Father,
whom i claim Him to be.
that He is close to me,
mentally and metaphorically.

who accepts me for who i am,
even though sometimes we disagree.
who still IS my Father,
even though sometimes we get angry at each other.

do i share the same surname as jesus?
do i only love Him when i feel like it?
is there really an identity in Him?
who am i, really..

bon appetit.

2009-08-01T09:10:00.002+08:00

as i skillfully balance the mcdonald's tray in my right,
my eyes were on a lookout for a nice spot, al-fresco.
it wasn't difficult thought,
and i got to my seat early..

i know i'm one of the few in my social circle,
to still haf the luxury of having a saturday morning breakfast
in the CBD area.
and i was abt to enjoy what i'd call 'once-in-a-bluemoon-breakfast'.

as i looked at my watch,
and sauntered out of the quiet gantry at city hall.
i figured i had enough time for a relaxing breakfast,
and to embark on my favourite hobby, people-watch.

there were roughly a handful of commuters at macs dis morning,
the one which is usually packed on a weekday morning at city hall.
as i plunged my teeth into the soft and savoury sausage mcmuffin,
my eyes remained flickering, and watching.

there were a few characters that caught my morning gaze though.
and my mind started to 'blog'.
words and structures of 4 lines began to form,
and trust me. my brain isn't functioning well anymore!

dis version that you're reading now,
is the rough and crude version.
i'm sorry,
that is another reason why i should invest in a laptop!

so anyways, i classified these 'breakfast-rangers' into 2.
one, i'd call them 'seasoned-brangers'.
where you can tell that they've been eating alone
almost half their lives!

esp for the white-skinned,
they're seriously the most cool kinda seasoned brangers man!
c'mon, picture dis imagery wif me.
you'll find it so heartwarming.

a bald white man,
propped wif his oakleys.
wearing a tight-fitted renoma tee,
and a board shorts, wif his few-grand bicycle parked behind him.

flipping through the pages of a magazine or even a book,
and sipping his hot beverage intermittently.
looking up once in a while,
to make sure he still has his location in check..

how cool is that!
seemingly not bothered wif what's around,
enjoying the nature's greet of 'good morning!',
how awesome is that!

and so wif that imagery in mind,
i tried to emulate it.
after putting down my tray,
i pulled out my reader's digest and started flipping through.

but i realised that i'm still a typical desmond,
looking up more often than i should be looking down, reading.
not because i was constantly paranoid abt my geography,
but i was too drawn to people-watch in such a lovely setting!

so i decided to stop trying,
and flicked that imagery outta my wandering mind.
if there were other critical people-watchers like me,
they'd see me and think, "ha, loser! wanna act atas but cannot focus."

now the 2nd type of lone-brangers
is what i'd call 'shit-what-if-my-friend-sees-me-eating-alone-brangers'.
they're ALWAYS on a look out!
and you'll usually catch them munching before even sitting down.

gulping their orange juice even before their mouth is half-empty.
looking at their watches at each mouthful they take.
more likely than not,
you'll see them hunching in a corner.

these are the kinds who don't usually eat alone,
and would rather not eat at all if they had no partners for lunch.
if they're really hungry, the most risk they'd take
is to go out and da-ba something and scurry back to the pantry.

hmm, i've a friend who is seemingly ultra confident in herself.
each time i talk to her,
she exudes such self-confidence and persona.
but she doesn't eat alone! hor, p?

so i wouldn't say the latter type is low in self-confidence,
neither would i say the latter type is just shy.
maybe they just don't like to eat alone?
or maybe they just don't like to be caught eating alone?

but it was sucha great morning, isn't it?
as the land and sea changes its shift to provide wind.
and as the gentle sun rays bounce off your lathered skin,
ahh, what a great outdoor.

maybe one day, you should try it.
just get a book,
go to somewhere which is well-known for its weekday-busyness.
go on a saturday, its really a great blessing to just chill..

Lord, i thank You for sucha great day You've allowed me to enjoy.
Father, even though i don't deserve it,
You've blessed me wif it.
Lord, i thank You dis wonderful morning. amen!

naivity.

2009-07-29T10:16:00.003+08:00

its been while over a year,
since i'm thrusted into the working sphere.
heard one too many complaints
about how the working world is shrewd..

i still rmb when i was in sch,
clad in school uniform.
used to be 5 1/2 day week for me.
teachers and parents quizzing me on what i wanna be.

the picture or impression i had of professions,
haf seemingly been tainted ever since i'm in the workforce.
or has it been that i was too naive,
when i was young.

had the teachers in sch been painting picture-perfects,
that when graduates go out to work,
they get a culture shock
and look upon a wishing star, hoping to go back to sch.

or had the working world been always dis 'dirty'?
always been waiting for the green horns to come in,
so that they can swallow them up,
to gain higher social standings..

i can't help but picture an imagery of hades.
where long time demons waiting at the gates of hell,
ready to pounce on the souls of the 'newly-dead',
so that they can suck in their souls to magnify their powers.

i was talking to one of my friends,
who really aspired to be a nurse.
she studied for it,
aiming to do well, so that she can serve the needy at her best.

its only been less than 6 mths,
that she's been into her 'ambition'
by now, the pure intention to help the needy
seem so muddy and foggy..

dragging her feet to work day after day,
barely had enough happiness to influence the patients.
the cause of dis dread is more than obvious,
what i'd term it as 'DEvouring MONSters'.

drained and sucked dry by her superiors,
and even colleagues of the same 'rank'.
backstabbing, malignation, gossips.
all these uncalled for blackholes..

it is funny how 'seasoned adults',
who'd been in the working world for a long time by now
survived dis ordeal.
maybe they'd learnt from the past, and now its their turn to pounce?

i rmb in the army,
when we just became sergeants,
the older batch of sergeants will throw everything to us,
we were like their offload-trolley in a long long time.

and my colleagues were telling me then,
"the next batch of sergeants come,
they're gonna get even more from me."
dis is like a vicious cycle, more vicious than each previous.

the worse part is,
unlike church setting, there is a mentor.
in dis case, you're nothing but their 'saviour'
who finally came and they can offload whatever they've on you!

and when you tell them of your 'grievances',
they'd capitalise on the opportunity to pile you wif more work,
and say, "so and so is not competent enough"
during any given board meeting.

so there you go,
off to pack your boxes and leave.
thinking to yourself,
what am i really here for..

schools should focus on work ethics,
as much as they focus on their specialisation, shouldn't it?
so what if you've great litigating skills, or operating skills,
when it comes to people management, its a different ball game!

its appalling and at the same time, sad.
to know that most of the time,
pple are tired of their jobs, not because of what they do,
but what others do to them!

ahh, disgusting.
i can't wait for my stint here to be over.
or maybe,
i might even be fired in no time! whatever.

hoax!

2009-07-28T13:12:00.003+08:00

my dear friends who happily forwarded the sms,
that said S$49 worth of talktime will be offset
if you forward that sms to 10
IS A HOAX!

http://www.straitstimes.com/Breaking%2BNews/Singapore/Story/STIStory_409048.html

for those who haf free smses,
lucky you.
for those who don't haf free smses,
now you've gotta pray for 10 free smses!